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Uncategorized > Clean Jokes > Flashcards

Clean Jokes Flashcards

Know more quick and easy jokes.  You will be knocking the crowd dead in no time.

1
Q

What is a synonym?

A

A word you use for others when you can’t spell other ones.

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2
Q

Which is correct: yolks of eggs are white, or yolks of eggs is white?

A

Neither because yolks are yellow!

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3
Q

Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?

A

He wanted to watch time fly.

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4
Q

Where does a wasp go to the bathroom?

A

At a BP station

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5
Q

How does a crazy person go through a forest?

A

They take the psycho path

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6
Q

What do you get from a pampered cow?

A

Spoiled Milk

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7
Q

What do you call an unemployed jester?

A

Nobody’s Fool

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8
Q

What does the sign on the door of a maternity ward at a hospital say?

A

Push! Push! Push!

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9
Q

Why do they always lock the bathrooms at gas stations?

A

They are scared someone might clean them!

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10
Q

Why did the child study in the airplane?

A

He wanted a higher education.

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11
Q

Why was the Egyptian girl worried?

A

Because her daddy was a mummy.

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12
Q

Why did mickey mouse take a trip to outer space?

A

Because he wanted to find Pluto

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13
Q

What did the ground say to the earthquake?

A

You crack me up!

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14
Q

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?

A

Because then it would be a foot.

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15
Q

What goes up when rain comes down?

A

An umbrella.

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16
Q

Why is it so difficult to play a game of Uno with foreigners?

A

Because they always go for the green card.

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17
Q

Why are scuba divers always scoring low grades?

A

Because they are below C-level.

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18
Q

Why should men avoid the letter a?

A

Because it makes men mean.

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19
Q

What do ufo’s and smart blondes have in common?

A

You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

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20
Q

Why do men like blonde jokes?

A

Because they can understand them.

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21
Q

If a brunette and a blonde are thrown off a building,who will land first?

A

The brunette, because the blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

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22
Q

What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A

Reservations

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23
Q

Why will we never get rid of math teachers?

A

Because they always multiply.

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24
Q

If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea . . .

A

then does that mean one enjoys it?.

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25
Q

If Webster wrote the first dictionary . . . .

A

where did he find the words?

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26
Q

Do you say prayers before eating?

A

No, thank god I don’t have to, my mom is an amazing cook.

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27
Q

If you lose your dog, why shouldn’t you place an ad in the newspaper?

A

Dogs can’t read.

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28
Q

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A

Because they have big fingers.

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29
Q

What did the blonde do when she missed the 66 number bus?

A

She took the 33 number bus twice.

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30
Q

Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?

A

Sunday; Monday is a WEAK-day.

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31
Q

Why did the blonde stand in front of her mirror with her eyes closed?

A

She wanted to see what she would look like sleeping.

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32
Q

Why won’t televisions ever take the place of newspapers?

A

Because you can’t wrap food in a television.

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33
Q

Should women have children after 35?

A

No, 35 children is enough.

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34
Q

If you have five apples, and the student next to you take three of those apples, what will you have?

A

A fight.

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35
Q

How were the exam questions?

A

They were easy but I had trouble with the answers

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36
Q

Wife: Why are you home so early?

A

Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

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37
Q

Why do you take your wife to night clubs?

A

By the time she gets ready, no other place is open.

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38
Q

Who’s the leader of the hankies?

A

The hankerchief.

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39
Q

What happened to the paper shop uptown?

A

It blew away!

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40
Q

Why did the rooster cross the road?

A

To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

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41
Q

Why did tigger have no friends?

A

Because he played with Pooh

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42
Q

What is a lottery?

A

A tax on people who are bad at math.

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43
Q

What do you call a smart blonde?

A

A Golden Retriever

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44
Q

What do you call a woodpecker without a beak?

A

A head banger

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45
Q

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A

She didn’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

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46
Q

How do a blonde’s brain cells die?

A

Alone

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47
Q

Why did the scarecrow receive an award?

A

He was outstanding in his field.

48
Q

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

A

Because he was a fungi.

49
Q

How do you make a kleenex dance?

A

You put a little boogie in it

50
Q

What do you call two Spaniards playing basketball?

A

Juan-on-Juan

51
Q

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?

A

Bugs Bunny!

52
Q

What 8 letters can you find in water?

A

H to O.

53
Q

Did you hear sky sports just got the rights for the origami world cup?

A

Its going to be paper view.

54
Q

Did you hear about the crosseyed teacher?

A

He couldn’t control his pupils.

55
Q

What fruits always come in two?

A

Pears

56
Q

Why did the wife hit the husband with a chair?

A

Because she couldn’t lift the table.

57
Q

Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?

A

I have been married to him for 10 years, now I should make him happy?

58
Q

Why should you treat your children well?

A

They will pick out your nursing home one day.

59
Q

If it’s God’s responsibility to forgive Bin Laden, what is our responsibility?

A

To arrange the meeting.

60
Q

What did one magnet say to another?

A

I’m attracted to you

61
Q

What do you call a ship at the bottom of the sea that’s shaking?

A

A nervous wreck

62
Q

What did the rug say to the floor?

A

I’ve got you covered.

63
Q

Why do people in Arkansas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?

A

Because 17 and under isn’t allowed.

64
Q

What do you have when you have a deer with no eyes?

A

I have no I-Deer.

65
Q

Why don’t aliens eat clowns?

A

Because they taste funny.

66
Q

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?

A

A liar.

67
Q

Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?

A

Customer: What other colors do you have?

68
Q

What did one ghost say to another?

A

Do you believe in people?

69
Q

What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?

A

A LOCO-motive.

70
Q

What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

A

Everyone can chop beef.

71
Q

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A

A FSH

72
Q

How do you know carrots are good for your eyesight?

A

Do you see any rabbits wearing glasses?

73
Q

Two peanuts walk into a bar . . .

A

One is a salted.

74
Q

Where does a one legged waitress work?

A

The I-Hop

75
Q

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

A

Dam!

76
Q

What do you get when you cross a patch of poison ivy with a 4 leaf clover?

A

A rash of good luck.

77
Q

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife sleep?

A

Because of his Coffin

78
Q

What is a celebrity?

A

A person who works hard all their life towards being known, and once they are known, they wear dark glasses to be avoided.

79
Q

What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

80
Q

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?

A

Boy: Not really, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter

81
Q

What’s the difference between mother & wife?

A

One woman brings into the world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so.

82
Q

Why don’t skeletons ever go out on the town?

A

Because they don’t have any body to go out with.

83
Q

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person’s corn flakes?

A

A cereal killer.

84
Q

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A

His lips are moving

85
Q

Why don’t oysters give to charity?

A

Because they’re shellfish.

86
Q

What would you call this country if everyone had a pink car?

A

A pink carnation!

87
Q

How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?

A

Its a chew

88
Q

Why aren’t there any WalMarts in Afghanistan?

A

Because there’s a Target on every corner!

89
Q

How do you make holy water?

A

You boil the hell out of it.

90
Q

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

A

It had a virus

91
Q

Did you hear about the guy whose left side was all gone?

A

He’s all right now

92
Q

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A

Polaroids

93
Q

What would you call a musician who doesn’t have a girlfriend?

A

Homeless

94
Q

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A

45 lbs.

95
Q

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common?

A

Men always miss them

96
Q

Did you hear about the man that got his credit card stolen but decided not to report it?

A

The thief was spending less than his wife did

97
Q

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

A

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

98
Q

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

A

Because they keep their eyes peeled.

99
Q

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

A

Is it mine?

100
Q

Where does a one-armed man shop?

A

At a secondhand store.

101
Q

What did the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do last night?

A

He stayed up all night trying to decide if there really was a dog!

102
Q

What did the Zero say to the Eight?

A

Nice belt !

103
Q

Why was the 6 afraid of the 7?

A

Because 7 8 9.

104
Q

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

A

It’s called On & On Anon.

105
Q

If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A

No time at all it is already built.

106
Q

If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A

Very large hands.

107
Q

How did the farmer fix his jeans ?

A

With a cabbage patch.

108
Q

Did you ever hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?

A

He was accused of buttering up his teacher.

109
Q

Why is a hospital gown similar to health insurance?

A

Because you�re never as covered as you think you are.

110
Q

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened offices on the same street?

A

They were arch-enemies.

111
Q

How are some people like slinkies?

A

They are not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

112
Q

How smart are dolphins?

A

dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

113
Q

What should you do when a man steals your wife?

A

there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

114
Q

There were three third graders walking down the street: a redhead, brunette, and a blonde. Which one had the best figure?

A

The blonde, she was 18.

115
Q

How do you know when a blonde’s been sending e-mail?

A

You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

116
Q

Doctor: Has there been any insanity in your family?

A

Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.

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