Act 1 Scene 1

Question 1

So, the fella’s wife says, “Alrighty. But where did I park the car?”

Answer 1

She lost the car!

Question 2

She lost it!

Answer 2

Oh, goodness, no!

Question 3

Hey Millie, where you folks keep your olives?

Answer 3

Icebox.

Question 4

And reveal my secret recipe? Now stay put, prepare your tastebuds! Six Baxter Specials, coming right up!

Answer 4

Please, everyone, eat up. If there’s any of Norma’s canapes left over, I’ll eat every single one!

Question 5

… anything from potted meats to light, fluffy biscuits, every time!

Answer 5

I wish I’d had Spry when I was suffering the curse of Bride’s Biscuits!

Question 6

So do I!

Answer 6

Oh, you!

Question 7

Hey Millie, got any seltzer?

Answer 7

Under the sink.

Question 8

How ‘bout sardines?

Answer 8

No, sorry.

Question 9

That’s okay, I’ll make do. (EX Jim)

Answer 9

Sardines? (w Bob)

Question 10

Perhaps I should give Jim a hand.

Answer 10

Yes, darling, I think that’s best.

Question 11

Your Bob is so debonair, Mildred.

Answer 11

Oh, please, it’s Millie to friends.

Question 12

… I came up with the name for our annual Bazaar last year!

Answer 12

What’d you name it?

Question 13

… Maybe we’ll just call it the Spring Fling and hope no one notices.

Answer 13

I find with a proper diversion, people will overlook anything.

Question 14

Oh, I don’t smoke. But I try to keep one handy in case someone else wants one.

Answer 14

Isn’t that just adorable? Norma, I’ll have one.

Question 15

Oh, let me! (Kitty rise)

Answer 15

Looking for the powder room, Kitty?

Question 16

No, I try not to be around smoke when I’m wearing fur. It’s such a devil getting the odor out.

Answer 16

Well, let me take your wrap. I’ll put it in the closet.

Question 17

Since 1931. So, almost twenty years.

Answer 17

That’s so marvelous! Can you picture what we’ll be like with our boys after all that time?

Question 18

… How about you?

Answer 18

I don’t know, you might do well in typing school.

Question 19

Not that, you goose! How’d you girls meet your husbands?

Answer 19

Well, I met Bob through Norma.

Question 20

Millie and I have been girlfriends for years. When I first moved to D.C., we shared a room (cut off)

Answer 20

At the Susan B. Anthony. She was in secretarial school, I was working at a darling luncheonette (cut off)

Question 21

… Said it was cheaper than buying all those new handkerchiefs.

Answer 21

That is adorable! I have never heard that story.

Question 22

… When your country calls, you answer.

Answer 22

I’m glad my country’s letting me stay home. Heaven knows I’ve enough to keep me busy.

Question 23

My word, Millie! What are you using on this desk to get such a brilliant shine?

Answer 23

Foster’s Furniture Creme! It gives a glorious sheen without waxy residue, and with its patented long-lasting gleam, Foster’s cut my cleaning time in half!

Question 24

Six Baxter Specials, as promised!

Answer 24

Oh, nummy nummy nummy!

Question 25

Would anyone care for a cigarette?

Answer 25

Perhaps later Bob. Kitty's wearing fur and it's such a devil to get the odor out.

Question 26

Alright then. Well, I'd like to propose a toast.

Answer 26

Let's see if he can finish before the ice melts.

Question 27

... And to Mr. Sunderson - it's been a pleasure to work for you, but even more so to welcome you and your lovely wife as new friends.

Answer 27

Hear hear! (with Jim & Norma)

Question 28

The next step?

Answer 28

The next bold step.

Question 29

Persons vulnerable to blackmail. Drunkards. Loose women. General moral turpitude. Deviants.

Answer 29

Oh, I don't know if I should be hearing this.

Question 30

Surely you'd find them when you check for mental illness.

Answer 30

Oh, yes, wouldn't you?

Question 31

That's not it.

Answer 31

Can't argue with science.

Question 32

I've got an appointment tomorrow, care to join?

Answer 32

I'd have to check my book.

Question 33

Go ahead.

Answer 33

Of course. Tomorrow, you said? (go to desk) Drat. I've got the butcher tomorrow, all the way over in Columbia Heights. Takes a whole afternoon.

Question 34

Really?! Where?

Answer 34

... U Street

Question 35

I'll call you tomorrow, Millie! Ta!

Answer 35

Ta!

Question 36

Mrs. Baxter, Mr. Baxter. Mrs. Martindale, my thanks for your gracious hospitality.

Answer 36

Again, soon!

Question 37

EX Theo, Kitty, Bob

Answer 37

Oh Christ. I hope there's a fucking butcher on U Street.

Question 38

Simplicity, babe. The more elaborate the story, the harder it is to keep afloat. That's what you always tell me.

Answer 38

I tell you that because you're truly quite terrible at inventing stories. What the hell was the flapdoodle with the handkerchiefs?

Question 39

You've lost me.

Answer 39

Oh, Jimmy, I wish you'd heard. Told of your whirlwind courtship, and this incurable sentimentalist included enough discarded handkerchiefs to fill a Chinese laundry. I had to bite the inside of my cheek. I might have bled. I think I did.

Question 40

Well, apparently now we're looking for homosexuals. And drunks and whores. Goody.

Answer 40

But how can you (cut)

Question 41

Because Bob designed the system. Now stop worrying, both of you.

Answer 41

All this work for that gas bag and his dingbat wife. Now I've got to go all the way to Columbia Heights to get my nails done.

Question 42

And find a butcher. Norma's right, you should keep your stories simple.

Answer 42

I can't help it, I'm a creative soul. I used to write poetry, you know, in college.

Question 43

You came alive as a woman, and were forever changed.

Answer 43

Yes. Well, I was. I should try writing again. I was pretty damn good. Jimmy, go next door if you're just going to lie about. You and Bob have your own sofa.

Question 44

You do not! You stop that!

Answer 44

My God, are there stains? Get up right now!

Question 45

We're not indecent about it. We put down a towel.

Answer 45

Ew! One of ours?

Question 46

Grow up. Sex is messy. Bodies leak things. Think of everything that pours out of your lady parts.

Answer 46

You are so crude!

Question 47

Only when they come bearing crepes and French poetry.

Answer 47

You're both evil, hateful people.

Question 48

No, Norma, that was me walking through a door. I know it's all a bit foreign to you, but man sex looks totally different.

Answer 48

That's it, you two are like children, we are getting a plastic cover.

Question 49

Let's have her over!

Answer 49

You boys could help with cleaning up!

Question 50

That's woman's work!

Answer 50

Jimmy Baxter, get up right now, you do not want to get your ass kicked by a dyke!

Question 51

But people like us have nothing to worry about.

Answer 51

How did I end up doing all the work in there?

Question 52

Goodnight girls.

Answer 52

G'night Bob. G'night Jimmy.