Author vs Character (author) Flashcards

1
Q

CHARACTER: (Head raised from repose) Well, well…the great author returns.

A

AUTHOR: So it would seem.

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2
Q

CHARACTER: I’d all but given up on you.

A

AUTHOR: I told you I’d be back as soon as I could.

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3
Q

CHARACTER: I thought you said you were going to the bathroom.

A

AUTHOR: I did.

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4
Q

CHARACTER: Oh. (Beat) Problems?

A

AUTHOR: I don’t think that’s any of your concern or a particularly appropriate question to ask. But since you have - no.

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5
Q

CHARACTER: I didn’t mean intestinal ones; I was referring to the creative variety.

A

AUTHOR: Oh. (Beat) Well, the answer’s still no. I simply became sidetracked by..by some other matters that…required my attention.

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6
Q

CHARACTER: I see. (Beat) Of course, in my day we called it procrastinating.

A

AUTHOR: What do you mean, “In my day”? You don’t have a day. I just made you up. You’re a character I created for my play, that’s all.

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7
Q

CHARACTER: All right, all right, scratch that. Forget I said it.

A

AUTHOR: You didn’t say it. Until I write it, you haven’t said it.

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8
Q

CHARACTER: Oh, excuse me. I stand - sit - chastened and corrected.

A

AUTHOR: Good.

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9
Q

CHARACTER: After all, you’re the one with the pen.

A

AUTHOR: Yes I am, and don’t you forget it. (Brandishing the pen) This is mightier than the sword, remember?

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10
Q

CHARACTER: Yes, well, whilst I appreciate the metaphor, personally I know what I’d rather be holding if challenged to a duel.

A

AUTHOR: Well, since I have no intention of including any duels, you don’t have anything to worry about, do you?

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11
Q

CHARACTER: No, I suppose not. But if I were wielding a sword against some poor gimp holding a ballpoint pen, I don’t think I’d have been particularly worried to begin with.

A

AUTHOR: Look, can we just forget about duels? There aren’t going to be any.
In fact, there’ll be no violence of any kind in this work.

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12
Q

CHARACTER: No. nor much of anything, really.

A

AUTHOR: Excuse me?

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13
Q

CHARACTER: Well, what have you got so far?

A

AUTHOR: (Hesitates) You.

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14
Q

CHARACTER: Yes, of whom we know nothing.

A

AUTHOR: Not yet, because it’s…I’ve. it’s just the beginning.

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15
Q

CHARACTER: And where’s it going?

A

AUTHOR: What?

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16
Q

CHARACTER: The story. I mean, presumably there is one?

A

AUTHOR: Of course there is. It’s a. it’s a…a journey. A journey of which you will be a part of to some degree. Though to what degree I haven’t yet decided…but it’s getting smaller by the minute.

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17
Q

CHARACTER: So’s your play.

A

AUTHOR: Look, I told you, it’s just the beginning. It…it hasn’t found its rhythm yet.

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18
Q

CHARACTER: Mmm..well, the play may not have, but you certainly seem to have hit your stride.

A

AUTHOR: Meaning what?

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19
Q

CHARACTER: Meaning the constant up and down from this table every five minutes. You’re like a damn yo-yo. First it’s the dog that needs walking, then it’s the laundry that needs folding, then it’s the sound of some God awful soap opera I can hear blaring from the next room, then it’s some uncontrollable urge to dust the mini blinds - it’s never ending. Meanwhile, I’m just sitting here not knowing who I am or where the hell I’m going.

A

AUTHOR: Join the club.

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20
Q

CHARACTER: It’s all so static, don’t you see? It’s completely static. This play is going nowhere fast.

A

AUTHOR: You can’t rush the creative process.

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21
Q

CHARACTER: But give me something, can’t you? I need something to work with here. I need to be someone. For the love of God, flesh me out a bit!

A

AUTHOR: The problem is…I’m not sure that I like you anymore. I’ve a feeling that may be the problem.

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22
Q

CHARACTER: Oh, give me a break, this isn’t a popularity contest! It’s a play!
You don’t have to like everyone in it. In fact, you shouldn’t - it would be boring - which frankly, right now, this is!

A

AUTHOR: You see, when I first wrote you down, I thought we’d go somewhere together. I didn’t know where, but I thought we would. But it doesn’t seem to be happening. (Beat) Perhaps this just wasn’t meant to be?

23
Q

CHARACTER: Now you just listen to me. I have sat here patiently while you’ve made every effort to do anything and everything except follow through on what you started. I’ve stared into space, I’ve yawned, I’ve twiddled my thumbs, I’ve even - in my excruciating boredom - tried very hard to imagine a life for myself out of my own head. But I can’t. Only you have the power to do that. So for the love of God, do it!

A

AUTHOR: I’m sorry…I don’t think that I can. I think this may all have been a big mistake. I think, perhaps, I should start again.

24
Q

CHARACTER: Don’t you dare!

A

AUTHOR: It’s not vou, really it isn’t.

25
Q

CHARACTER: You just said it was.

A

AUTHOR: No, it’s me, I…I should never have thought of you.

26
Q

CHARACTER: Well, unless I’m missing something, you hardly have, have
you?

A

AUTHOR: No, not a lot. But just enough, I suppose…to be too much.

27
Q

CHARACTER: Oh, you really know how to make a person feel good? What a charmer. I’d just love to sit down and have dinner with you sometime. Jesus!

A

AUTHOR: It’s nothing personal.

28
Q

CHARACTER: I wouldn’t know - I was never made a person.

A

AUTHOR: Well. probably for the best.

29
Q

CHARACTER: Oooh…you really are a piece of work, aren’t you?

A

AUTHOR: All I meant was-

30
Q

CHARACTER: I know exactly what you meant, you supercilious, self-important, self-pitying, self-indulgent, self-aggrandizing.. self! You think you’re so high and mighty, but let me tell you something - one day…one day, when you’re lying on some cold, hard park bench, stinking of piss and coughing up snot, I’ll be there. I’ll be there, and I’ll be laughing; laughing so hard. Laughing and clapping and dancing and singing and celebrating everything that makes you utterly disgusting yet still cling to life because you don’t have the guts to kill yourself.

A

AUTHOR: And this little tantrum was intended to do what? Change my mind?

31
Q

CHARACTER: No..just make me feel better.

A

Author: did it?

32
Q

CHARACTER: Somewhat.

A

AUTHOR: It doesn’t change anything.

33
Q

CHARACTER: There’s precious little to change.

A

AUTHOR: My mind’s made up. I’m sorry it had to be this way.

34
Q

CHARACTER: Wait! Wait!

A

AUTHOR: What?

35
Q

CHARACTER: Just give me another chance. Think about me a bit more.
Focus on me a little harder. Maybe…maybe things will start clicking. Maybe you’ll find hidden depths to me - sides of me you never imagined were there. And before you know it, I could be kick-starting your imagination into producing something magnificent. Something game-changing. Something that shifts your career - such as it is - to a whole new level.

A

AUTHOR: I don’t think so.

36
Q

CHARACTER: (Hissing.) You don’t think so?

A

AUTHOR: No. You’re just not doing it for me. Let’s face it, you’re a non-starter.

37
Q

CHARACTER: Me! Me! I’m the non-starter? Oh, you have some nerve, mister, you have some nerve. My God, the audacity! I think it’s high time you took a long, hard look in the mirror, buddy. Then you’ll come face-to-face with the real non-starter around here. You prance around this place like some pretentious dick-on-a-stick, thinking you’re so artistic, and so literary.
“Look at me, I’m a writer.” “Look at me, I’m a playwright; I’m so intellectual;
I’m so esoteric; a struggling, penniless martyr to my art.” “I go forth like Quixote, noble and proud in the face of the doubters and non-believers, and do it all with my head held high and a fountain pen rammed up my precious, tortured ass!”

A

AUTHOR: You have no right to speak to me like that!

38
Q

CHARACTER: But what do you really do, really? Not much of anything, really. You just like to think you do.

A

AUTHOR: Stop it!

39
Q

CHARACTER: Because it makes you feel important. It makes you feel like you matter.

A

AUTHOR: I said, stop it!

40
Q

CHARACTER: But guess what? News flash - ya don’t!

A

AUTHOR: Enough!

41
Q

CHARACTER: Hate to break it to ya, buddy - but ya ain’t curin’ cancer here.

A

AUTHOR: I’m warning you!

42
Q

CHARACTER: Hell, you’re not even writing a lousy play.

A

AUTHOR: All right, that’s it! This is the end.

43
Q

CHARACTER: What?

A

AUTHOR: I refuse to be spoken to like that by someone who I personally brought into being.

44
Q

CHARACTER: You know, for a second there you sounded just like my father.

A

AUTHOR: You don’t have a father. You don’t even have a backstory.

45
Q

CHARACTER: I was pretending.

A

AUTHOR: In fact…I’ve decided to make you an orphan.

46
Q

CHARACTER: No!

A

AUTHOR: Yes. An orphan. Not only that…an orphan with a deadly and incurable disease.

47
Q

CHARACTER: So it’s a tragedy. Now we’re getting somewhere.

A

AUTHOR: One of us is.

48
Q

CHARACTER: No, please! You said there’d be no violence!

A

AUTHOR: It’ll be painless.

49
Q

CHARACTER: You bastard!

A

AUTHOR: (Solemnly putting pen to paper.) And sadly, after many months of struggle, our tragic orphan’s vital organs began to fail.

50
Q

CHARACTER: No, please!

A

AUTHOR: It all happened so suddenly - so unexpectedly. There was nothing anyone could do. The doctor turned his head away in resignation.

51
Q

CHARACTER: Please, no!

A

AUTHOR: The author looked toward the heavens in search of solace…and perhaps…a little inspiration.

52
Q

CHARACTER: Please, I beg of you!

A

AUTHOR: Unable to fight any longer, the poor wretch finally breathed its last breath.

53
Q

(CHARACTER breaths heavily, then slumps forward onto the table.
Pause.)

A

AUTHOR: And then…the poor devil was gone. Such a short, sad life, truncated - perhaps mercifully - by a ruthless disease and a writer’s frustration. (Beat) The end.

54
Q

(AUTHOR tears out a page from the pad, screws it into a ball and throws it across the room.)

A

AUTHOR: Now what?