Oral Test (Blue Text Only) Flashcards
Four strategies for a collaborative alliance
o Hugging Until Relaxed
o Heads on Pillow: Looking into Each Other
o Feeling while Touching: Hand Holding, Face Touching, Kissing.
o Eyes Open Orgasm and Sex
Hugging Until Relaxed directions
Can be used as part of treatment of erectile dysfunction, orgasm difficulties,
1 of 4 strategies for building a collaborative alliance
o Directions:
1.Stand with both feet on the floor about a foot away from your partner. Get balanced on your own two feet.
2. Now shuffle forward and put your arms around your partner while maintaining your own balance.
3. Refocus your attention on yourself. Calm yourself down. Way down. Relax your body. Quiet your mind. Progressively slow your heart rate and deepened your breathing.
Do this for at least ten minutes.
o Quieting yourself while in physical contact with each other creates body learning which powerfully impacts your brain.
o Your brain maps you partner mind through their body. How does your partner body feel to you—tense and rigid or soft and relaxed. Perhaps they were less than eager to do this with you. When you partner relaxes, you feel a kinesthic shift in your partner body through your body.
o Now the first time you try, you might be surprised at how long it takes to calm down. Some people never calm down during their first attempt at hugging till relaxed. It doesn’t mean you failed, or you are doing it wrong. You are merely seeing how much anxiety you and your partner carry around. But as you do it more and more, you will calm down more quickly, became more relaxed and achieve a deeper focus. Pretty soon the phone might ring as you are doing it and you barely notice it.
Heads on Pillows directions
Can be used to treat erectile dysfunction
1 of 4 strategies for building a collaborative alliance
o Lie down in bed on your sides
o Face each other
o Keep your heads on separate pillows.
o Calm yourself down.
o To do it you and your partner lie down on your sides facing each other. Each of you puts your head on your own pillow, placed just far enough apart so that your partner doesn’t look like a cyclops. Then lie there, soften your gaze and look into each other’s eyes until you have calmed down.
o This is not about staring, it’s about opening your mind to each other, and getting more comfortable allowing yourself to be mapped and seen.
o Both Hugging until Relaxed and Heads on Pillow train your brains to be more comfortable in each other’s presence.
Feeling while Touching directions
Can be used to treat erectile dysfunction
1 of 4 strategies for building a collaborative alliance
o To touch without feeling is common. You can avoid feeling your partner during kissing, foreplay, and sex.
o Feeling while touching doesn’t have to involve drastic changes in behavior. One partner touches the other, while both of you mentally follow your pain of physical connection as it moves. Instead of focusing on your sexual technique or on your physical sensation, focus on feeling each other.
o Feeling while touching requires a renewed collaborative alliance rather than new physical positions. You can start with any way that you can feel each other.
o I suggest starting with hands, face, and arms rather than breast/chest, buttocks, and genitals.
o Once you recognize what feeling your partner is like and being felt is like …
o Follow the connection as the two of you expand your range of touch. Let that feeling be your guide as to what to do next. When you can’t feel your partner, stop briefly and return to doing what you were doing when you could feel. Discipline yourself to stick with what works and stay in the moment with your partner. That is your collaborative alliance. There is no technique or sequence to follow. It’s just you and your partner and what is happening between you.
o Some talking works. Profound silence can be perfect.
o Slow-paced touch usually works better.
o Try and make the bridge from heads on pillow to feeling while touching
o You partner touches your arm. You let your mind follow your partner’s touch. Partner felt her opening to his caress.
1st component of feeling while touching
Follow the connection
o Stop your mind wandering and increase your in the moment involvement during sex.
o When partner is touching, focus attention on the points of physical contact. As partner touch shifts, move attention with it. Sometimes watching partner touch, can help them stay focused.
o Don’t just focus on the mechanics of touch. Try to feel partner’ intent.
o Be open to partner’s touch for it to have optimal impact
o Allow your partner to touch you. This doesn’t involve making yourself vulnerable. It involves holding on to yourself, which minimizes your vulnerability.
o Open yourself emotionally if you want to connect physically with partner.
o When you are touching partner, focus you attention on the person inside partner’s body, rather than on the surface of their skin.
o Reach out to your partner in way that covey you are trying to touch minds and hearts.
o Relax and let them feel you through your touch. Try to help your partner feel good but don’t presume you know what will do that.
o When something strengthens your sense of connection, do more of it. Stop doing things that don’t work.
2nd component of feeling while touching
Lean into partner touch
o Move your body toward partner’s touch, rather than pulling away. It only takes a millimeter because it has a lot to do with intent.
o Pulling away changes how your partner’s touch feels to you.
o Handholding in the early stages of a relationship epitomizes leaning into each other touch. When it works, people experience it as melting into each other.
o A large part of leaning into your partner touch involves relaxing.
Eyes open sex and orgasm directions
Can be used to treat erectile dysfunction
1 of 4 strategies for building a collaborative alliance
o Another collaborative alliance method is gazing deeply into partner’s eyes in the middle of sex.
o You might have to say look at me because many people have sex with their eyes closed, in the dark or watching tv in the background.
o Don’t be surprised if your partner says why are you looking at me? Am I doing something wrong?
o You might respond:
I want to do more than trade orgasms with you.
I want more contact when we have sex.
o Sex becomes more than a physical act. It becomes an expression of your mind and heart.
Erectile Dysfunction treatment Step 1 of 5
Alone:
• Sensate Focus 1 alone (full body touching without chest and genitals).
With Partner:
• Sensate focus 1 (Full body touching w/o breasts/chest and genitals. If you don’t have a collaborative alliance, figure out a way not to get lost in sensations.)
• SF partner take turn focusing on their own physical sensation while being touched. Lie back, relax and not focus on your partner and tune into your body. For most it is antithetical to intimacy. Many find it like the cadaver sex they are already having.
o Take turns giving and receiving rather than touching each other simultaneously.
o Focus on the point of contact. Don’t focus on the mechanics. Try and feel your partner’s intent. Follow the Connection
o When touching, focus on the partner inside your partner body. Rather than on the surface. Relax and let the partner feel you.
o Making contact: “leaning into” your partner’s touch.
Erectile Dysfunction treatment Step 2 of 5
Alone:
- Sensate Focus II alone (full body touching including breast, chest and genitals but not to orgasm)
- Playing with a Soft Penis. Goal is to be okay with a soft penis.
With Partner:
• Sensate Focus II (full body touching including breast, chest and genitals but not to orgasm)
• Partner Playing with Soft Penis
Erectile Dysfunction treatment Step 3 of 5
Alone
• Sensate Focus II alone (full body touching including breast, chest and genitals but not to orgasm)
o Incorporate Losing and Regaining Erections into SFII. Goal is to know that he/they can lose it and gain it back. If can’t gain it back, no problem.
With Partner:
• Sensate Focus II and Losing and Regaining Erections. (If he can’t get another erection, handle it different)
Erectile Dysfunction treatment Step 4 of 5
Alone:
• Sensate Focus III (full body touching focusing on chest and genitals to orgasm)
With Partner:
• Sensate Focus III
• Oral Stimulation
Erectile Dysfunction treatment Step 5 of 5
- Rubbing penis against vulva or anus
- Stuffing (vaginally or anally) if possible
- Sensual penetration
Sensate Focus 1
- Ideally, both partners are undressed, showered, and free of watches or jewelry.
- Designate one partner as the “toucher” and the other as the “receiver” to get things started. The receiving partner should primarily focus on their own sensations while being touched. For the moment, they are not to reciprocate touching. Instead, the receiver should simply notice the sensations—not in terms of evaluating or analyzing them but experiencing the touch fully. The receiving partner should, however, speak up if the “toucher” does something physically or psychologically uncomfortable.
- We recommend this touching continue for at least 15 minutes—especially since, at the beginning, it may seem a bit awkward or unnatural, and a few minutes might be needed to get past the initial strangeness. On the other hand, we urge touching not be prolonged to the point of boredom or fatigue for either partner.
-Vary the types of touches. Notice the different textures of skin on different parts of the body. Vary the firmness and tempo. Touch with whole hand versus fingertips.
Below are three points of clarification about the process:
• If you find yourself becoming sexually aroused, avoid turning this exploration into a sexual encounter.
• Either partner can ask to end the touching session. If you start to fall asleep, try again another time when you are both well-rested.
• The point of sensate focus in not to give your partner a massage (although that may be wonderful on another occasion) or to touch in a way that you think will make them happy. The point is to allow the person doing the touching to take in a variety of sensory experiences and to notice what they feel like, without any distractions or “shoulds.”
The second part of this exercise simply involves reversing the roles. Unless necessary, try not to take a break before switching. Avoid comparing touching styles. There’s no reason to take the same approach to touching or use the same touching sequence; you are two different people with individual feelings, instincts, and perceptions.
Some couples enjoy repeating Sensate Focus 1 for a series of days. Often, they notice things differently each time, and they also try out variations in technique and timing that allow them to experiment-in a non-pressured way with their sensual perceptions. The decision on whether to repeat this exercise or to move on to the next step is flexible: there’s no test to pass before you “graduate” to the next level.
Sensate Focus II
Include genital and/or breast/chest touching
Add lotion
Mutual touching
In this next step, the breasts/chest and genitals are included in the exploration. Kissing and penetration are not. Even though the “ban” on touching the breasts and genitals is no longer in effect, the toucher should not change the nature of the overall touching experience. The point is not to try to be turned on or to make something happen for your partner, but to pay attention to your sensations in the context of exploring your partner’s body as a sensual, sensory tactile experience.
If the impulse toward sexual touch is overwhelmingly tempting, think back and try to repeat some of what you learned in the previous step of sensate focus. Slow things down.
At this juncture, the receiver puts a hand on top of the toucher’s as they continue exploration. The intention of this “hand-riding” technique is not for the receiver to suddenly to take the lead in directing the action but rather to provide a simple, quick, effective way to transmit additional information to the toucher as they explore in a non-goal directed manner; however, the receiver has the opportunity to provide nonverbal feedback about subtle preferences.
If the receiver become sexually excited, the toucher doesn’t need to direct their attention to genital stimulation, but if their partner wants to receive further genital touching, either partner can provide stroking (with or without hand riding to guide tempo and firmness). If either partner feels the touching has turned into an obligation, it’s advisable to stop.
Here are a few additional pointers to keep in mind:
• Feel free to move into positions different from the one suggested (although generally receivers report feeling especially relaxed in the position described).
• Receivers should give their partner signals while being touched in the genital area, so the toucher doesn’t guess at what is preferred. It isn’t necessary to know in advance what will feel pleasing, only to be open to feedback.
• Abstain from kissing, as it often pushes people into “cruise control” when it comes to sensual/sexual behavior, and what you are trying to accomplish here is to break old patterns, not solidify them.
• If the receiver finds they aroused enough to orgasm, it is okay to let orgasm occur. Don’t however, try to make it happen
As in Sensate Focus 1, either participant can say “I’d like to switch” during Sensate Focus 2. There is no specific time requirement or limitation, although once again, try to avoid having either person becoming bored or tired. Be sure both partners experience both roles before ending. bored or tired. Be sure both partners experience both roles before ending.
Sensate Focus 2: adding lotion
One of the ways to enhance sensory awareness is to alter the medium of touch. Adding lotion or oil creates a slicker, silkier dimension. Whichever approach you choose, the point of the exercise is still to focus on sensation (not massage).
Sensate Focus 2: mutual touching
Now, it’s time to extend the scope of the touching experience by removing the artificiality of “your turn/my turn”. This gives each person the opportunity to use their newly improved sensory awareness to focus simultaneously on fingertip sensations from touching your partner and on the physical sensations your own body registers from being touched.
Continue to refrain from kissing, orgasm, and penetration. Remember, what you are trying to achieve here is a way of adding new sensual dimensions to your lives.
If you decide that you are becoming too sexually (as opposed to sensually) focused, it’s perfectly fine to lie back and let your partner do the touching for a while. It’s also useful to direct attention to less sexual areas. Try to steer clear of sexual fantasy during the exercises.
One variation in the mutual touching is to incorporate oral stimulation as part of your sensual play. This doesn’t mean oral sex per se; it means using your lips and tongue as a way of sensually exploring your partner’s body. There is a big difference in these two intentions. If you’ve engaged in oral sex before, see how different it can be when you approach it as sensual exploration.
Another variation you might want to try is changing the scene of your sensate focus activities (e.g., from the bed to the shower). This can provide an interesting change of feelings and perceptions.
Sensate Focus III
Is exactly like Sensate Focus 2 but in addition there can be more focus on how to stimulate the genitals and breast/chest to high level of arousal and/or orgasm.
Sensual penetration:
Now it’s time to include sensual (rather than sexual) intercourse. In this version of sensate focus, you extend the gains made in emphasizing your awareness of physical sensations into the realm of genital contact. Here again, the goal is to discover what feels interesting and pleasurable.
Start this exercise with a period of general body (non-genital) touching. Allow yourselves to get into a rhythm and focus be aware of what your fingertips are telling you and don’t worry about becoming aroused.
Gradually extend the scope of the touching to include exploration of the breasts and genitals. Don’t be shy about using the hand-riding technique to show your partner what you like but avoid directing every move.
When you are both comfortable, move into a position that could allow for penetration—but do not insert a penis, finger, or other object yet. Use the same principles of sensate focus you’ve been using to continue your touching, but now extend the touching so your genital areas can touch, too. Explore all the sensations of touching and rubbing.
At this stage, the “recipient” doesn’t need to be a passive participant. They can actively touch anywhere that is interesting or pleasurable, too. Notice the sensations you both are receiving from this type of contact. If sexual penetration is desirable, start with only partial penetration.
Go slowly and take time to fully feel the sensations of warmth and contact. Hold absolutely still for a few seconds; see what different sensations subtle movements produce. Slowly withdraw for 20 or 30 seconds and then resume penetration or intercourse.
Once you’ve tried such sensual variations, you may certainly want to move deeper or faster. Some couples find it’s enjoyable to establish a quicker, shallower thrusting for a while. (In fact, many women find this especially sensual, since nerve endings in the vagina are more heavily concentrated in the outer portion of the vagina). However, you proceed, try to keep your focus on sensations, and give yourself the opportunity to enjoy this “new” way of having intercourse.
If you enjoy sensual intercourse and want to use this approach from time to time, let your partner know in advance what you’re desiring. Communication is key to a healthy sensuality and sexuality.
