2. Expressions of human needs

Question 1

During a conflict, which party or parties are responsible for your feelings - yourself, the other person(s), or you are both jointly responsible?

Answer 1

You are 100% responsible for your own feelings.

Question 2

When you take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, you open the door for you to feel guilty feelings. True or false?

Answer 2

True.

Question 3

You can never take responsibility for anybody else’s actions. True or false?

Answer 3

True. Think of it like “how can you be response-able when you are not in control of the response?”

They are responsible their interpretations or the feelings that follow those interpretations
They are responsible for what they say and do
And we are responsible for how we take it
And how we take it will depend on our feelings
Therefore our feelings are a result of what we choose to do

Question 4

Where do our feelings arise?

Answer 4

Our feelings are a result the choices we have made, and are making, about what to do.

Question 5

What is the format for expressing feelings?

Answer 5

I feel [feeling] because I …..

For example, I feel frustrated because I am unable to perform without the right equipment.

Question 6

What is the most likely cause of your feeling angry?

Answer 6

Judgements you made that caused you to decide another person’s actions were sick, stupid, inappropriate, etc.

Question 7

Does someone else’s behaviour ever make you angry?

Answer 7

Almost certainly not.

Judgements you made that caused you to decide another person’s actions were sick, stupid, inappropriate, etc. are what make you angry.

Question 8

Why do the judgements of others cause us to feel depressed, guilt or shame?

Answer 8

Trick question. They don’t. It is our own interpretation of ourselves that make us have those feelings.

Question 9

When we communicate with others we want to do it from what viewpoint?

Answer 9

We want to communicate from life, and from our needs.

Question 10

When we communicate with others we do not want to do it from … ?

Answer 10

From those thoughts or judgements we might have about them.

Question 11

Is there anything useful that arises from the moments we have feelings of anger, guilt, shame or depression?

Answer 11

Yes. We can use those moments to identify that we really aren’t connected to our needs, and are up in our heads analysing in a judgmental way

Question 12

If our needs are always our root, why is communicating them so difficult?

Answer 12

Because of history and social conditioning, and the kind of language and attitudes we have been coerced into using in order to survive.

Society teaches us not to be needy. So if we follow suit and deny and ignore our needs, they will never be expressed, nor met.

Question 13

How do you interpret the statement “you never undestand me”?

Answer 13

Their need for understanding is not being fulfilled.

Question 14

You do you interpret the statement “you love your work more than me”?

Answer 14

Their need for intimacy is not being met.

Question 15

When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluation, interpretation, and images others are likely to hear what?

Answer 15

Criticism.

Question 16

When others hear what they think is criticism, how will they react?

Answer 16

They will invest their energy in self-defence or counter attack.

Question 17

What is wrong with stating that your child is lazy when they don’t pick up their coat?

Answer 17

1. It conveys no need and is not proper communication
2. It doesn’t make the task of picking it up a joyful one

Question 18

If we deem a co-worker as being irresponsible for not carrying our a task as we would like, why should we not make them change that behaviour (by forceful means)?

Answer 18

Because it won’t make for a joyful situation. Them changing their behaviour on its own will provide no joy. And them being forced to change behaviour will likely bring some form of resentment.

Question 19

Almost always, conflict resolution is what?

Answer 19

Translating peoples’ judgements into needs.

Question 20

What are needs?

Answer 20

Accurate expressions of what is alive in somebody.

Question 21

In all relationship conflicts, what is the most significant and often most difficult part?

Answer 21

Identifying each other’s needs. All conflicts can be resolved within 20 minutes from when this is done.

Question 22

Different cultures have different needs. True or false?

Answer 22

False. All needs are universal.

Question 23

Is it possible at times to have a need for not spending money?

Answer 23

No. Not spending money is a strategy for getting a need met.

Question 24

If our language is not a language of needs, what kind of language do we have?

Answer 24

We have only a language for implying wrongness when our needs are not getting met.

Question 25

Can you name the twelve basic needs?

Answer 25

1. Sustenance
2. Safety
3. Empathy (the human need, not the intellectual one)
4. Honesty
5. Celebration
6. Play
7. Rest
8. Creativity
9. Love
10. Community
11. Autonomy
12. Meaning and purpose

Question 26

What is the need for food, shelter and clothing called?

Answer 26

The need for sustenance.

Question 27

Why is the word “love” one of the most misused words in our language?

Answer 27

Because it is always associated with a feeling when it is in fact a need.

Question 28

The need to contribute to life is the need for what/

Answer 28

Meaning and purpose.

Question 29

In what way do men most commonly sacrifice their needs?

Answer 29

In denial. Men are conditioned to believe that having needs is a sign of weakness.

Question 30

In what way do women most commonly sacrifice their needs?

Answer 30

Duty. In caring for others.

Question 31

What happens when we don’t value our own needs or don’t express them with confidence?

Answer 31

Nobody else values them.

Question 32

When you take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, what is the consequence?

Answer 32

You become out of touch with your needs. And if this is at your own expense then you will end up resenting the partner you’re doing this for.

Anything you end up expressing at this point will appear as a criticism.

Question 33

What are the three stages of “emotional liberation”?

Answer 33

1. Expressing and getting your own needs met
2. Empathy
3. Acting out of compassion - never out of fear, guilt or shame