Active Listening Flashcards
(97 cards)
1
Q
Do not expect anything from new encounters,
A
whatever and whoever they may be
2
Q
Do not be surprised if people…
A
do not behave as you want, or if they leave you
3
Q
Do not be surprised if the people you actively listen to…
A
do not actively listen to you in return, or greet you with the same level of attention and curiosity
4
Q
Everybody is…
A
self-motivated.
5
Q
Do not expect the people you want to be friends with…
A
to want to be friends with you.
6
Q
Do not expect people you try to be nice to…
A
to always treat you with the same level of niceness, if at all.
7
Q
Do not try to make close friends with everyone, esp. those who seem interesting, cool, or give you attention…
A
Because people aren’t looking for their next friend soulmate from you. People go into conversations looking for fun not deep soul connection, so keep things light and be that fun.
8
Q
Other people are not responsible for…
A
filling your emotional voids, or curing your loneliness, or healing any internalized hurts you have.
9
Q
People always have their own emotional shits to deal with, so…
A
they are not here for nor wanting to help you out with yours. You have got to rely on yourself for inner workings and healings.
10
Q
Make sure that your comments are …
A
light / positive / funny / relaxing… people will back the fuck away if they find anything serious/sad/needy/insecure/stressing/negative in what you’ve just said to them
11
Q
In all non-professional situations (like with Chris’ friends or so), Pretend that you are…
A
the embodiment of a positive, goofy, easy-going person who just wants to chill and have fun
12
Q
People do not need you, so you gotta remember that…..
A
you do not need them either. fuck em.
13
Q
When you are telling a story or explaining something, say it:…
A
concisely / pleasantly / make sure it is a light but an interesting topic. Do not bore people with millions of details, even if you think they’re necessary
14
Q
Do not bore people with serious conversations, unless:
A
they themselves open up about a serious topic, and show they are comfortable discussing it with you
15
Q
Number one rule is to:
A
not get attached, but instead have fun.
16
Q
You and your problems are infinitesimally small compared to ….
A
the universe.
17
Q
The universe is infinitely bigger…
A
than you and your problems.
18
Q
Charisma does not equal perfection. Therefore,
A
a charismatic person is not a perfect person.
19
Q
When you admit to weakness (in a light, and non-extreme way)
A
people connect with you more and see you as more likable. So, embrace your imperfections (in a light, and non-extreme way)
20
Q
Do not feel the need to be…
A
perfect, impressive or superior.
21
Q
Real Charisma comes from…
A
authenticity, vulnerability and honesty.
22
Q
The easiest way to speak less, and listen more is to…
A
ask tons of clarification questions.
23
Q
Do not stay surface level in conversation. Instead…ask follow-up questions and ask for examples. This will help you…
A
understand more about the topic at hand, and increase connection with others.
24
Q
When you are speaking,
A
you are not learning. so listen to learn and thirst to learn.
25
“Spontaneous Trait Transference.”
This describes that when you speak ill of someone else, people can’t help but associate that same trait with you. So, if you say someone is mean and shallow, the person listening can’t help but assign those traits to you as well.
26
Never, ever....
speak ill about people.
27
If you want to talk about someone,
try gushing - speaking pleasantly and affectionately well about them
28
Pick someone who you adore,
and share all of their awesome qualities. speak genuinely about people you respect and admire.
29
Why is no one truly boring?
Because All you have to do is ask. Everyone has an incredible story within them. All you have to do is listen. You are awesomely charismatic. All you have to do is be interested.
30
Why are you are responsible if you are bored?
People who are good with people take responsibility. They don’t passively participate in conversation hoping the other person will share something interesting. They actively engage, hunt and delight.
31
rather than skeptically listening to people’s goals and ideas,
charismatic people offer encouragement.
32
Make sure to always:
give credit where credit is due, and to give genuine compliments
33
Don't feel you have to do things for people in order for them to like you.
Be as nice as the next person, but nothing more. Learn to draw people to you through other aspects of your personality.
34
Monitor your motivations and change course if you catch yourself thinking,
"If I do these nice things for this person, I'll get something out of it."
35
'nice' people may believe that if they do nice things for someone,
then it's 'only fair' that that person give them what they want in return (e.g., "If I do
favors for this guy, he'll like me and want to be friends", "If I'm an extra good listener to this girl, then she'll appreciate it and include me in her inner circle.").
36
It's important to accept that "niceness" isn't an inherently valuable currency,
and when you're extra nice to people, they don't have to give you anything in return.
37
Only be 'nice' when it's something you'd be happy to do for its own sake,
with no expectation of any benefits for yourself....People do not owe you anything at all, even if you throw extra niceness at them. they do not fucking care for the extra niceness.
38
Great friends aren't friends because someone was worn over by the other's 'niceness' or 'overly-niceness'
It's because of factors like having similar interests and values, sharing the same sense of humor, whether they have fun together, etc.
39
If a "nice" person does something for another person in a conscious or unconscious attempt to win them over, the other person will still take it and enjoy it in the moment...
but it's not going to sway their overall opinion on whether you would be desirable as their friend. ...comes down to way more other factors.
40
The fact is most people don't place a huge amount of value on above-and-beyond niceness because
the majority of humans are pretty nice anyway. So your 'niceness' is absolutely nothing special in their eyes.
41
Being fairly nice is a bare minimum social expectation because.
When people are choosing who to be friends with, people place more importance on other factors like having similar interests and values, sharing the same sense of humor, whether they have fun together, etc.
42
Your version of being "Nice" that you need to avoid doing is:
Being overly giving, thoughtful, and considerate as a way to get people to want to spend time with you..... because you're doing basic level human decency here that is not impressive, memorable, nor will it score you points with anyone. it has never ever worked for you, so Brittney stop doing this please, you are hurting yourself.
43
You get more leeway to have so-so fashion sense if your other social skills are strong, like if they:
```
Have good posture
Have self-assured body language
Make good eye contact
Speak with a confident tone of voice
Seem comfortable speaking in a group
Have a knack for making funny or interesting comments
Seem genuinely friendly
```
44
If you have faith in your ability to win people over with your social skills
you may not feel as much need to dress to the nines.
45
One broad way to do better with people
is to lighten up a bit
46
Have a realistic idea of what to expect in social situations by...
understanding to keep things light, fun, and positive. do not take yourself so seriously, and do not take social situations so seriously either.
47
Don't take yourself too seriously --Uptight people often see themselves as important, refined, intelligent adults who are above the silliness normal folk engage in. They think they have to come across as contained and in control at all times.
it's okay to be a normal dopey human. You can watch dumb movies with your friends while gossiping and making crude jokes. You won't lose your Intellectual card. No one will care. In fact, they'll probably appreciate it. No one's keeping track of whether you're always acting sophisticated.
48
There's nothing wrong with light, brainless fun
Being serious has its place, but there's nothing wrong with having a good time either
49
how to not be uptight:
Just loosen up, and understand that you don't follow 'the rules' 100% of the time, and it's unrealistic for everyone to do the same.
50
Uptight people dislike faux-dangerous things because their uptight worldview...
gives them a tendency to see things as more sketchy than they actually are. Like they may see drinking as this horrible thing to do, when 95% of the time nothing much happens when people do it. Or they may see something like houseplaying as beneath them. Just loosen up.
51
Accept you can't control everything
At the root of some people's uptightness is a need to be in control and have everyone act the way they want them to. If you can let this need go, and just accept that people are often going to behave in a way you may not like or expect, it can do a lot to help you take on a more relaxed mentality.
52
Be amusing and joke around
In one way or another, fun people are often funny. Sometimes it's because they're purposely being a comedian and trying to make their friends laugh. With other people it's more that they have a naturally amusing personality, and can't help but be entertaining as they go about their lives.
53
Introduce people to fun new activities and situations, Fun people also have a knack for bringing the people they're with into fun situations.
Rather than make a normal response to an event, they'll be a bit more spontaneous and unpredictable and get all their friends involved in something memorable.
54
Help people have more fun themselves than they normally do. Fun people are good at convincing us to let loose a little more, not be reserved:
Sometimes it's because their own enthusiasm is infectious. At other times they have a skill for applying some light, harmless peer pressure (to get you to do something you'll like anyway).
55
Purposely try to have fun. Fun people are pretty skilled at seeking out good times, or creating them out of nothing because:
Fun people know how to amuse themselves. Hopefully the situation they find themselves in will be fun from the get-go, but if it's not then they'll stir something up. They'll end up chatting to some new people. They'll suggest something to do. They'll inspire their friends to get into some wacky situation and see where it leads.
56
Get in touch with your goofy, immature side
Having fun often means being more silly and childish than normal. You have to shelve the more sober parts of yourself and temporarily regress to a goofier, freer side of your personality. It means laughing at dumb jokes and stupid antics, instead of being serious and judgmental about them. You can do this without alcohol.
57
Be a little more crazy and reckless than you would normally
being more spontaneous and uninhibited relative to your normal self. in fun situations being a bit more wacky or reckless relative to the usual you isn't seen as a big deal.
Or to use a cliche: Say "yes" to more things than you normally would. If a situation comes up where you have a chance to do something memorable and entertaining, throw caution aside and go with it.
58
Being less "un-fun" by:
Keeping the things you say:
light/positive/fun/funny and honest
And just being a great active and interested listener
59
Don't be the person who never wants to do anything
- don't be the person who never wants to do anything new.
- don't be the person who never wants to do anything *period*, and who always wants to stay in.
- be reasonably open to new suggestions and don't expect friends to always want to do more humdrum things with you.
- don't be the person who wants to quit everything halfway through.
60
Wherever you are, don't just hang back and do nothing
If there's one thing that identifies less fun individuals, it's that they never seem to be doing much.
You can go a long way towards being more fun if you just make an effort to participate when you're out doing things with people.
61
Don't be too picky about what you require to be entertained
Make the best of whatever situation you're in. Focus on the positives instead of the negatives. Don't feel you can only have fun under the perfect circumstances.
62
Don't sit back and wait for the amusement to come to you - create a good time for yourself, regardless of the situation. to do this, you need to:
take the initiative to try to meet some new people or get involved in a fun activity. Do not hang back and wait for people to talk to you, and then get resentful when they don't.
do not be passive. do not think you can only have fun if things largely out of your control flow towards you. you have the power to create the entertainment you want.
63
Don't be a downer
When people are having fun they're sensitive to anything that may bring down their mood. Don't complain.
Don't bring up inappropriately depressing and heavy topics for the circumstances. Time with friends is about blowing off steam, not venting about heavy or sad shit.
64
Don't be overly serious
Having fun often involves letting loose and acting less proper and controlled than you normally do. Lighten up a little. You can't bring rigid, serious, humorless sensibilities to fun situations.
65
Don't see having fun as immature or beneath you
being able to joke around and have a good time is just a different way of acting. It doesn't detract from your more intelligent or serious traits.
66
An uptight person who rigidly thinks people should never jaywalk, or always be completely polite and urbane,
will go crazy due to their uptightedness
67
Uptight people suffer because they often expect people to follow abstract concepts to the letter, such as:
like thinking everyone should be thoughtful and considerate. In a broader sense, they want everyone to act perfectly, and get upset when that doesn't happen.
68
Uptight people - you - can make peace and loosen up by:
accepting the fact that most people dont follow smaller 'rules' 100% of the time. They bend, and selectively ignore them. If they don't get caught or hurt anyone, what does it matter? The effect following a rule or not will have on everyone's good time often comes into the equation.
69
There are certain social activities uptight people often get annoyed about. Anything that involves people acting loud, stupid, and immature will do it....
Don't overreact to certain activities - 95%+ of the time, absolutely nothing bad happens, and it's just good fun.
70
Two aspects to being more fun:
behaviors that activitly make you more fun
avoiding traits to avoid that make you less fun
71
Being fun is a trait people generally appreciate in others. If you can be more fun
people will enjoy being around you more.
72
A simple formula for increasing the chances of connection and likability:
being an active and interested listener +
keeping your responses, comments, and topics positive/light/fun/funny +
behaving positively/lightly/fun/funny/easy-going =
people (not guaranteed but) more likely to view you as likable and more likely to want to keep you around
73
What is the simple default setting to be in in order to increase your chances of being viewed as more likable?
Being an active and interested listener, who is positive/light/fun/funny/easy-going in everything they do, say, and behave to others and when others are around
74
If you want to increase the chances of people liking you more, the two best things you can do are:
- be an active and interested listener
| - make it so that everything you do, say, and behave is that of a positive/light/fun/funny/easy-going person
75
As a curious person and active listener, see learning as something fun:
think of learning as something fun, you will naturally want to dig deeper. So look at life through the glasses of fun and excitement and enjoy the learning process
76
Keep an open mind by:
Being open to learn, unlearn, and relearn. Some things you know and believe might be wrong, and you should be prepared to accept this possibility and change your mind.
77
Ask questions relentlessly - but
avoid making it an interrogation. ask with genuine warmth and with a sincere willingness to understand
78
If the person does not respond, let them go their way. There's a difference between being "outgoing" and "pushy." You don't want to force interaction on someone who isn't interested.
Be friendly, but not pushy. Once you’ve introduced yourself and asked a question or two, move on if the other person seems disinterested.
79
the paradoxical secret of charisma is that it’s not about trumpeting your good qualities, but
making the other person feel good about themselves.
80
Real charisma makes the other person feel important;
when they finish an interaction with you, they feel better about themselves than they did before.
81
People fundamentally want attention – they want to be
recognized and acknowledged.
82
Focusing all your attention on one person and their conversation is
hard as hell, but it's fully worth it to connect with or learn more about them
83
“people with charisma possess an outward focus instead of an inward one...
They pay attention to other people, and they desire to add value to them.”
84
presence is defined as the ability to be fully present in the moment, to be so focused on the person you’re talking to that you can
make them feel like they’re the most important person in the world at that time.
85
If you can get into the right mindset of gratitude, goodwill and compassion,
most of the behaviors and body language will take care of themselves.
86
charisma is not so much a gift as a learnable skill that has a lot to do with
the ability to be fully present
87
You can only be empathic and place yourself in another person’s shoes if you are fully attentive to them
which you are obviously only able to do if you are completely present with them.
88
Good listening skills:
the ability to truly hear what someone is trying to communicate to you, both verbally and nonverbally
89
If you are distracted or thinking about what to say next
not truly present—you are not truly listening.
90
When you are present and looking someone in the eye,
the impact of that connection can be powerful. In addition to feeling heard, because of your empathy and good listening skills, people actually feel seen.
91
Self-confidence: the ability to act authentically and with assurance without worrying about what other people think.
When you are fully present, you are focused on others rather than yourself. As a consequence, you naturally come across as confident: instead of worrying about what others are thinking of you, you are composed, genuine, and natural.
92
A huge key to self-confidence is:
focusing on others than yourself...being presence with others without worrying any yourself in any way
93
When you are one hundred percent present with your audience,
you are able to understand where they are coming from and how they are interpreting your words. Only then can your words be sensitive and appropriate. When you speak skillfully, you will be truly heard.
94
Charisma, simply put, is
absolute presence
95
Being present is a learnable skill. it increases with practice and patience, and having a
moment to moment awareness of what is happening and paying attention.
96
To feel ease about social situations:
-go into it viewing it as a fun learning experience
people are a part of the world, and learning about them helps you to learn about the world
- view learning as fun!!! and exciting. therefore, you'd meet everyone with fun excitement to actively listen to them
-go into it being fun/light/positive/funny/excited to learn
-go into it being a fully present, fully focused, active listener
97
If you want to make friends...
- release the idea - do not chase anyone it never works
- go after the idea of learning about people, and being curious about people, and actively learning about people
- be a wildly present, active listener who is fun/positive/light in all they say and do
