Flashcards in ch 9 / 10 / 11 Deck (63)
close union, contact, association, or acquaintance
dimensions of intimacy
physical, emotional, intellectual, and shared activites
process of deliberately revealing information about oneself that is significant and would not normally be known by others
one-on-one disclsure that is usually more comfortable than more public revelations
incremental self disclosure
small disclosures build confidence to reveal more important information later
relatively scarce self-disclosure
most common early in relationships and at crucial times later. Not frequent in mature relationships (where partners know each other well)
self- disclosure in positive relationships
most productive when delivered in a constructive manner, even if the information is difficult; have the strength to handle such revelations
social penetration theory
contains both breadth (range of subjects being discussed) and depth (shift from relatively impersonal messages to more personal ones)
ritualized, stock responses to social situations
most criteria of being intentional, significant, and not otherwise known
every time you offer a personal pinion, you are giving others info about yourself
most revealing out of teh four levels of measuring depth of disclosure
"getting it off your chest"
one act of self-disclosure begets another
"talking the problem out"
to make ourselves more attractive
may increase your control over the other person and sometimes over the situation
fear of disapproval
risks of self disclosure
rejection, negative impersonation, decrease in relational satisfacion, loss of influence, and hurting the other person
the emotional tone of the relationship; determined by whether or not people feel valued by the other and to what degree
messages that convey valuing; they say "You're important", "You exist", "I care about you"
messages that convey devaluing; they say "You're not important", "I don't care about you", "You don't matter"
messages that float somewhere between confirming and disconfirming; they say, "You're wrong, but I might value you"
Types of disconfirming messages
Impervious Responses, Interrupting, Irrelevant Responses, Tangential Responses, Impersonal Responses, Ambiguous Responses
types of disagreeing messages
Aggressiveness, Complaining, Argumentativeness
types of confirming messages
Recognition, Acknowledgement, Endorsement
disconfirming message; doesn't acknowledge the other's message, essentially, it's ignoring the other person
disconfirming message; speaking over someone; occassional interruption is seen as fine, causes problems when it becomes routine
disconfirming message; a comment that is completely unrelated to what the person just said, ex. "I had a terrible day" "Hey, we need to talk about the weekend"
disconfirming message; uses part of the other's message to change the topic, ex. "What color do you want to paint the walls?" "We shouldn't paint the room until we move the piano. Will you help me move it?"
disconfirming message; have lots of chiches and never really respond to the speaker, ex. "Someone broke into my house last night." "Well, that life's. You live and you learn."
disconfirming message; messages that have more than one meaning, are very vague, ex. "Will you help me move my piano?" "Uh, probably." "On Saturday?" "Maybe. Bye!"
disagreeing message; attacking the self-concepts of other people in order to inflict psychological pain on them; the most negative of the disagreeing messages
disagreeing message; a way of communicating dissatifaction; is not necessarily bad, can be healthy; use behavioral complaints, not complaints on personal characteristics, ex. Good = "You interrupt when I'm on the phone.", Bad = "You're inconsiderate."
disagreeing message; presenting and defending poisitions on issues while attacking other's positions, the most positive of disagreeing messages; is positive when attacking issues, not people, ex. an attorney
confirming message; the most basic of confirming messages, shows the least support of the three; is simply saying "You exist", "I know you're there", ex. returning an email or phone call
confirming message; agreeing with (at least part of) a speaker's message; the strongest of confirming messages; does not have to agree with everything someone says, ex. "I can see why that would be upsetting."
escalatory conflict spiral
a way that disconfirming messages reinforce one another; one disconfirming messages leads to another; it grows and grows until it reaches an all-out war
de-escalatory conflict spirals
a pattern through with people grow apart; they lessen their dependence on the other and care less and less about the relationship
guarding against an attack against the presenting self
Jack Gibb's list of behaviors that make someone defensive and their counterparts (behaviors that lower defensiveness); Included:
1. Evaluation vs. Description
2. Control vs. Problem Orientation
3. Strategy vs. Spontaneity
4. Neutrality vs. Empathy
5. Superiority vs. Equality
6. Certainty vs. Provisionalism
Evaluation vs. Desciption
evaluation - judgmental comments, ex. "You're such a pig!"
description - focuses on speaker's thoughts and feelings, ex. "When you don't clean up after yourself, I get frustrated."
Control vs. Problem Orientation
control - imposing one's will on another without regard for their needs or wants, ex. "We're going to eat Chinese for dinner."
problem orientation - focus on finding a solution that works for both people, ex. "I'm craving Chinese. Are you ok if we get that for dinner?"
Strategy vs. Spontaneity
strategy - using manipulation and underhanded tactics to get one's way, ex. "Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week."
spontaneity - being honest with others in conversation, ex. "I'd like to go out to dinner more often."
Neutrality vs. Empathy
neutrality - indifference, lack of concern, ex. "Well, that just how life goes."
empathy - putting yourself in another's shoes, ex. "I know you put a lot of work into that project."
Superiority vs. Equality
superiority - any message that suggests "I'm better than you", can be superior in content or the way the message is delivered, ex. "That's not the way it's done."
equality - a message that says "We're in this together", ex. "If you'd like, I can show how it's worked for me."
Certainty vs. Provisionalism
certainty - being sure that one is correct and that nothing else is possible, ex. "You don't know what you're talking about!"
provisionalism - being able to acknowledge that one doesn't know everything, even though they may have strong opinions, ex. "I've never heard anything like that before. Where did you hear it?"
clear message format
is a way to express oneself without threatening others; it includes five parts:
1. description of behavior
2. an interpretation of the behavior
3. a feeling
4. a consequence (can be for self, others, or the receiver)
5. an intention (can be your stand on an issue, a request for others, or what you plan to do)
ways to respond non-defensively to criticism
ask for specifics, guess about specifics, paraphrase, ask what the critic wants, ask about the consequences of your behavior, ask what else is wrong, agree with the facts, agree with the critic's perception
A lose-win conflict style in which the communicator submits to a situation rather than attempts to have his or her needs met.
A lose-lose conflict style in which the parties ignore the problem at hand.
A conflict management style that seeks win-win solutions
A win-lose approach to conflicts that seeks to resolve them in one's own way.
Complementary conflict styles
relational conflict style in which partners use different but mutually reinforcing behaviors.
An approach to conflict resolution in which both parties attain at least part of what they wanted through self-sacrifice.
An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals.
An unacknowledged repeating pattern of interlocking behavior used by participants in a conflict.
(See Passive Aggression) An indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness.
A criticism or demand that threatens the face of the person at home it is directed.
parallel conflict styles
A relational conflict style that in which the approach of the partners varies from one situation to another.
An indirect expression of aggression, delivered in a way that allows the sender to maintain a facade of kindness.
relational conflict style
A pattern of managing disagreements that repeats itself over time in a relationship.