ChaMy Flashcards
if you instead ask, “Can I make a great pitch?”
the research has found that you provide yourself something that reaches deeper and lasts longer.
Negative emotions, she says, evolved to narrow people’s vision and propel their behavior toward survival in the moment (I’m frightened, so I’ll flee. I’m angry, so I’ll fight).
“Positive emotions do the opposite: They broaden people’s ideas about possible actions, opening our awareness to a wider range of thoughts and . . . making us more receptive and more creative,
Ask yourself: “Can I move these people?”
As social scientists have discovered, interrogative self-talk is often more valuable than the declarative kind.
But don’t simply leave the question hanging in the air like a lost balloon. Answer it—directly and in writing. List five specific reasons why the answer to your question is yes.
Try actually counting the nos you get during a week. Use one of the many free counter apps available for smartphones and tally every time your efforts to move others meet with resistance.
you might be more surprised by something else: You’re still around. Even in that weeklong ocean of rejection, you’ve still managed to stay afloat. That realization can give you the will to continue and the confidence to do even better the following week
Negativity and negative emotions are crucial for our survival. They prevent unproductive behaviors from cementing into habits.
They deliver useful information on our efforts. They alert us to when we’re on the wrong path.
It is in fact the discovery and creation of problems rather than any superior knowledge, technical skill, or craftsmanship
that often sets the creative person apart from others in his field
The most important thing they do is find the right problem to solve.
“the potential to be good at something can be preferred over actually being good at that very same thing.”
That uncertainty can lead people to think more deeply about the person they’re evaluating—and the more intensive processing that requires can lead to generating more and better reasons why the person is a good choice.
The lesson: Clarity on how to think without
clarity on how to act can leave people unmoved.
The catchers took passion, wit, and quirkiness as positive cues—and slickness, trying too hard, and offering lots of different ideas as negative ones. If the catcher categorized the pitcher as “uncreative” in the first few minutes, the meeting was essentially over even if it had not actually ended.
But for pitchers, landing in the creative category wasn’t enough, because a second process was at work. In the most successful pitches, the pitcher didn’t push her idea on the catcher until she extracted a yes. Instead, she invited in her counterpart as a collaborator. The more the executives—often derided by their supposedly more artistic counterparts as “suits”—were able to contribute, “the better the idea often became, and the more likely it was to be green-lighted. The most valuable sessions were those in which the catcher “becomes so fully engaged by a pitcher that the process resembles a mutual collaboration,” the researchers found.
The lesson here is critical: The purpose of a pitch isn’t necessarily to move others immediately to adopt your idea.
The purpose is to offer something so compelling that it begins a conversation, brings the other person in as a participant, and eventually arrives at an outcome that appeals to both of you
When I make a statement, you can receive it passively. When I ask a question, you’re compelled to respond, either aloud if the question is direct or silently if the question is rhetorical.
By making people work just a little harder, question pitches prompt people to come up with their own reasons for agreeing (or not). And when people summon their own reasons for believing something, they endorse the belief more strongly and become more likely to act on it
utility and curiosity. People were quite likely to “read emails that directly affected their work.” No surprise there.
when they had moderate levels of uncertainty about the contents, i.e. they were ‘curious’ what the messages were about.
What do you want them to know?
What do you want them to feel?
What do you want them to do?
If you’ve got strong answers to these three questions, the pitch will come together more easily.
“Instead, we should recalibrate our approach so that it’s concrete and personal—
and not for softhearted reasons but for hardheaded ones.
Raising the salience of purpose is one of the most potent—and most overlooked—methods of moving others. While we often assume that human beings are motivated mainly by self-interest, a stack of research has shown that all of us also do things for what social scientists call “prosocial” or “self-transcending” reasons
we ourselves be serving, but we should also be tapping others’ innate desire to serve.”
“This is what it means to serve: improving another’s life and, in turn, improving the world. That’s the lifeblood of service and the final secret to moving others.
When we first meet someone, we instinctively assess whether that person is a potential friend or foe and whether they have the power to enact those intentions. Power and intentions are what we‘re aiming to assess.
―Could you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?‖ To answer the first question, we try to assess how much power he or she has. To answer the second question, we try to assess how much he or she likes us. When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.
The equation that produces charisma is actually fairly simple. All you have to do is give the impression that you possess both high power and high warmth, since charismatic behaviors project a combination of these two qualities.
―Fight or flight?‖ is the power question. ―Friend or foe?‖ is the warmth question.
A final dimension underlies both of these qualities: presence.
When people describe their experience of seeing charisma in action
you also feel that he‘s completely here with you, in this moment. Present.
After dining with Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest person in England.
But after dining with Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the cleverest person in England.
Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:
Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
Pause for two full seconds before you speak.
Not only can the lack of presence be visible, it can also be perceived as inauthentic, which has even worse emotional consequences.
When you‘re perceived as disingenuous, it‘s virtually impossible to generate trust, rapport, or loyalty. And it‘s impossible to be charismatic.
even a minor increase in your capacity for presence can have a major effect on those around you
Because so few of us are ever fully present, if you can manage even a few moments of full presence from time to time, you‘ll make quite an impact.
remember to use one of the quick fixes—focusing for just a second on your breath or your toes—this will instantly bring you back to the present moment.
This full presence will show in your eyes and your face, and will be seen by the person who‘s talking to you. By giving them just a few moments of full presence, they will feel respected and listened to.
Remember that every time you bring yourself back to full presence, you reap major rewards:
you become more impactful, more memorable, and come across as more grounded. You‘re laying the foundation for a charismatic presence.
Being seen as powerful means being perceived as able to affect the world around us, whether through influence on or authority over others, large amounts of money, expertise, intelligence, sheer physical strength, or high social status.
We look for clues of power in someone‘s appearance, in others‘ reaction to this person, and, most of all, in the person‘s body language.
Warmth, simply put, is goodwill toward others. Warmth tells us whether or not people will want to use whatever power they have in our favor. Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following:
benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it‘s evaluated more directly than power.
The combination of power and warmth would have been very rare and very, very precious:
a powerful person who also viewed us kindly could mean the difference between life and death in critical moments. Figuring out who might want to help us and who has the power to do so has always been critical to our survival.
But we‘ve been interacting well before this through nonverbal modes of communication. As a result, nonverbal communication is hardwired into our brains, much deeper than the more recent language-processing abilities.
This is why nonverbal communication has a far greater impact.
our body language expresses our mental state whether we like it or not. Our facial expressions, voice, posture, and all the other components of body language reflect our mental and emotional condition every second.
. Because we don‘t control this flow consciously, whatever is in our head will show up in our body language.
If your internal state is anticharismatic, no amount of effort and willpower can make up for it. Sooner or later, some of your underlying thoughts and feelings will show through.
On the other hand, if your internal state is charismatic, then the right body language will flow forth effortlessly. Thus, the first step in learning charisma—and what the first part of this book is all about—is developing the various mental states that produce charismatic body language and behaviors.
The internal skills necessary for charisma include both the awareness of your internal state and the tools to effectively manage it.
To know others is knowledge. To know oneself is wisdom
Because your body language telegraphs your internal state to those around you, in order to be charismatic—to exhibit presence, power, and warmth—
you must display charismatic body language.
Because your mind can‘t tell the difference between imagination and reality, by creating a charismatic internal state
your body language will authentically display charisma.
Stanford researchers conducted experiments showing that when people try to hide their real feelings,
they provoke a threat- response arousal in others.
Any physical discomfort that affects your visible, external state—your body language—even slightly may affect how charismatic you are perceived to be.
When interacting with someone, assume that he or she will feel (at least on a subconscious level) that whatever you do relates to him or to her.
Counteracting charisma-impairing physical discomfort is simple:
- Prevent
- Recognize
- Remedy or explain
When you‘re choosing a location for a meeting, take comfort into consideration. Ask yourself what the temperature and noise level will be like. Ensure that you‘ll be well fed;
don‘t let yourself (or your guests if you‘re hosting) get too hungry. Think about your energy level, and the energy level of the people with whom you‘ll be interacting. Is the meeting very early or very late? Signs of fatigue can easily show up in people‘s body language as lack of enthusiasm.
Awareness is the second step in dealing with physical discomfort. Check in with your face from time to time; notice if it is tense.
This is where the ability to stay present will help you yet again: the more present you are, the better your chances of noticing if your body language is showing tension.
It affects both how we feel and how we‘re perceived. Mental discomfort can result from anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt, all of which
are forms of internal negativity, and each of which can handicap our personal charisma potential.
Knowing how to skillfully handle mental discomfort is even more important
than knowing how to handle physical discomfort.
Anxiety is a serious drawback to charisma. First, it impacts our internal state:
quite obviously, it‘s hard to be fully present while you‘re feeling anxious. Anxiety can also lower our confidence. Anxiety, low presence, and low confidence can show up directly in our body language, as well as reduce our ability to emanate warmth.
our minds are fundamentally uncomfortable with uncertainty. The minute our brain registers ambiguity, it flashes an error signal
Uncertainty registers as a tension: something that must be corrected before we can feel comfortable again.
It‘s worth learning how to handle uncertainty, not just because it increases charisma but also because the ability to be comfortable with uncertainty
and ambiguity turns out to be one of the strongest predictors of success in business.
Responsibility Transfer
- Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.
- Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head.
As you exhale, let that air whoosh through you, washing away all worries and concerns.
- Pick an entity—God, Fate, the Universe, whatever may best suit your beliefs—that you could imagine as benevolent.
- Imagine lifting the weight of everything you‘re concerned about—this meeting, this interaction, this day—off your shoulders and placing it on the shoulders of whichever entity you‘ve chosen. They‘re in charge now.
- Visually lift everything off your shoulders and feel the difference as you are now no longer responsible for the outcome of any of these things. Everything is taken care of. You can sit back, relax, and enjoy whatever good you can find along the way.
Few things impact people‘s performance more than how they feel about themselves.
Athletes will tell you that a bad mental state will affect their performance no matter how well prepared they are physically. Psychological negativity can have real physical consequences.
the threat response impairs analytic thinking, creative insight, and problem solving
This kind of negativity doesn‘t just affect our actual performance, it also affects how others perceive us.
Self-doubt, simply put, is lack of confidence in our own ability to achieve something: we doubt our capacity to do it or our capacity to learn how to do it. Worse, it is the fear that there is something essential that we lack, something necessary but unattainable, and that we are just not good enough.
In one of the manifestations of self-doubt, known as the impostor syndrome, competent people feel they don‘t really know what they‘re doing and are just waiting for someone to expose them as a fraud.
Prevention is optimal: plan ahead to ensure comfort in clothing, location, and timing. Aim to stay aware of any physical sensation of discomfort.
If physical discomfort arises during an interaction, act promptly to alleviate or explain it.
Understand that mental negativity such as anxiety, dissatisfaction, self-criticism, or self-doubt is normal
and something that everyone experiences.
To destigmatize, remind yourself that this internal discomfort, whatever it might be, is a normal part of the human experience and a by-product of one of our brain‘s survival mechanisms.
It helps to think of others who have experienced what you‘re going through, especially if you can think of a person who is like you, but maybe just a step or two ahead—a person you both relate to and admire.
shame is the real killer. Of all the emotions that human beings can feel, it is one of the most toxic to health and happiness.
Brené Brown defines it as ―the fear of being unlovable: Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
Shame hits us so powerfully because it conveys a message about our fundamental acceptability as human beings.
And in basic survival terms, if the tribe rejects you, you die. It is a life-and-death situation. The brain equates social needs with survival; being hungry and being ostracized activate similar neural responses
Knowing how to remove the stigma of shame from difficult emotions and experiences is absolutely critical to charisma. Often, it‘s not what we feel that is the most painful—it‘s our shame about feeling this way that really does the damage.
Once we see this feeling as normal and even something to be expected, it becomes much easier to bear.
destigmatizing:
- Remember that uncomfortable emotions are normal, natural, and simply a legacy of our survival instincts. We all experience them from time to time.
- Dedramatize: this is a common part of human experience that happens every day.
- Think of others who‘ve gone through this before, especially people you admire.
- See it as one burden shared by many. You are part of a community of human beings experiencing this one feeling at this very moment.
One of the main reasons we‘re so affected by our negative thoughts is that we think our mind has an accurate grasp on reality, and that its conclusions are generally valid.
This, however, is a fallacy. Our mind‘s view of reality can be, and often is, completely distorted.
As Churchill said, failure is seldom fatal, and just realizing that
even the worst-case scenario is survivable can bolster your confidence.
Don‘t assume your thoughts are accurate. Just because your mind comes up with something doesn’t necessarily mean it has any validity.
Assume you‘re missing a lot of elements, many of which could be positive.
Assign a label to your negative experience:
self-criticism, anger, anxiety, etc. Just naming what you are thinking and feeling can help you neutralize it.
Imagine seeing yourself from afar. Zoom out so far, you can see planet Earth hanging in space. Then zoom in to see your continent, then your country, your city, and finally the room you‘re in.
See your little self, electrical impulses whizzing across your brain. One little being having a particular experience at this particular moment.
when a difficult experience arises and risks impairing your charisma levels, rather than trying to suppress or ignore your internal difficulties, consider a few alternate versions of reality.
Conjure a few different scenarios that would induce you into a more useful mental state.
I imagined—as vividly as possible, with sensory- rich details—that my publisher had somehow given me an insane one-month deadline to write the entire book.
And I was amazed at how fast this completely imaginary deadline became emotionally real. I even felt a knot in the pit of my stomach, a physical reminder that the clock was ticking.
The key questions are: Which mental state would be most useful in this situation? And which version of reality would help you get there?
For charisma, you can use this technique whenever a situation threatens your level of warmth or confidence. For minor events, simply imagining an alternative explanation is often enough to reduce anger or impatience and generate compassion instead.
Rewriting Checklist:
- Take a deep breath and shake out your body to ensure that no physical discomfort is adding to your tense mental state.
- Dedramatize. Remind yourself that these are just physical sensations. Right now, nothing serious is actually happening. This only feels uncomfortable because of the way your brain is wired. Zoom out your focus to see yourself as one little person sitting in a room with certain chemicals flooding his system. Nothing more. 3. Destigmatize. Remind yourself that what you‘re experiencing is normal and everyone goes through it from time to time. Imagine countless people all over the world feeling the exact same thing.
- Neutralize. Remind yourself that thoughts are not necessarily real. There have been many times when you‘ve been certain that a client was disappointed, only to discover that the exact opposite was true.
- Consider a few alternate realities.
- Visualize a transfer of responsibility. Feel the weight of responsibility for the outcome of this situation lifting off your shoulders. Tell yourself it‘s all taken care of.
The answer, surprisingly, is to delve into those very sensations of discomfort. That‘s right. Though it sounds counterintuitive
rather than trying to suppress, ignore, or power through them, your goal is to give your full attention to the very sensations you‘d instinctively want to push away.
