Humor

Question 1

✭ How good of wrap job is this from as scale of 1 to stepdad?

Answer 1

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Question 2

✭ Either you can be good at wrapping Christmas presents or you can be sexy. You can’t be both.

Answer 2

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Question 3

I thought about it but then I went on with my life

Answer 3

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Question 4

Do you want a Maserati? You gotta work bitch.

Answer 4

Britney Spears

Question 5

It was bittersweet. It was like eating Megan Fox’s pussy and then she farted in your face.

Answer 5

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Question 6

✭ There are three things the Dali Lama says you should always accept: a pillow, and outstretched hand, and a condom.

Answer 6

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Question 7

✭ We call it “Aesthetic Promiscuity”

Answer 7

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Question 8

I have to go. I layed toilet paper on the seat back there and it’s waiting for me

Answer 8

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Question 9

Does it ever freak you out that mankind is living on top of a hot pocket?

Answer 9

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Question 10

✭ Ana de Armas lives rent free in my head

Answer 10

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Question 11

We’re trying to skip dating and marriage and skip straight to functional divorcees

Answer 11

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Question 12

Have you ever looked at someone and thought: he’s definitely got someone locked in his basement?

Answer 12

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Question 13

✭ If you put a crouton on that then it makes it a salad?

Answer 13

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Question 14

If you have to ask yourself if it’s too early to drink wine then you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends

Answer 14

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Question 15

All you need is love but wine doesn’t hurt either

Answer 15

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Question 16

That’s about as wanted as an unsolicited dick pic air-dropped on a Delta flight

Answer 16

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Question 17

(sniffs whiskey) smells like my dick isn’t working tonight

Answer 17

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Question 18

✭ Michael Myers staying relevant

Answer 18

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Question 19

I’m a big fan of it…there’s an app for it

Answer 19

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Question 20

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Underwater LEGO construction diver

Answer 20

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Question 21

Procrastinating is like masterbating. It feels good at the time but in the end, you’re just fucking yourself.

Answer 21

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Question 22

✭ Looks like the aftermath of a ______ gone horribly wrong

Answer 22

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Question 23

✭ Thelma over there while she looks sweet and innocent is a savage with loose morals

Answer 23

Jay Cutler

Question 24

Walking around eating some pretentious fruit like a pear

Answer 24

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Question 25

That is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

Answer 25

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Question 26

Looking at you like you're a tasty little snack

Answer 26

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Question 27

You're going to get older: first you're going to forget names, then you'll forget faces, you'll forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you'll forget to pull it down.

Answer 27

George Burns

Question 28

✭ Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air

Answer 28

Jack Benny

Question 29

✭ Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

Answer 29

Henry Youngman

Question 30

He knew he was an unwanted baby when his bath toys were a toaster and a radio

Answer 30

Joan Rivers

Question 31

God gave man both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood to supply them both at the same time

Answer 31

Robin Williams

Question 32

When I was kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized God doesn't work like that so I stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

Answer 32

Emo Phillips

Question 33

Life in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you

Answer 33

Fred Allen

Question 34

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart

Answer 34

Fred Allen

Question 35

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare

Answer 35

Fred Allen

Question 36

✭ Babies cry on airplanes because they're upset that gay people are getting married

Answer 36

Louis CK

Question 37

Joseph Smith, or as I like to call him: American Jesus

Answer 37

Yannis Pappas

Question 38

Dude's he a fucking leader. Bit off his own umbilical cord and said "Follow me!"

Answer 38

Yannis Pappas

Question 39

We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It's like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy's.

Answer 39

Jim Gaffigan

Question 40

I did the research, it was cheaper than a divorce so I took my kids to Hawaii

Answer 40

Jim Gaffigan

Question 41

Everyone says they know someone who looks like me. He mows my lawn. We don't even pay him to do it, he just does.

Answer 41

Jim Gaffigan

Question 42

Rocked us harder than a nanny with Parkinsons

Answer 42

Andrew Schulz

Question 43

Left our house less than Anne Frank in a hailstorm

Answer 43

Andrew Schulz

Question 44

Tongue punching elevator buttons and deep throating doorknobs

Answer 44

Andrew Schulz

Question 45

People freaked out over toilet paper. You'd think people would stock up on bread, eggs, pasta. But apparently the only thing the millennials were eating was ass

Answer 45

Andrew Schulz

Question 46

Coronavirus really squashed the momentum for the body positivity movement

Answer 46

Andrew Schulz

Question 47

We need to get back in schools before a parent has the first home school shooting

Answer 47

Andrew Schulz

Question 48

I need pain for street cred. I need somebody to lock me in the basement and finger my asshole for a month.

Answer 48

Chris D'elia

Question 49

That's like asking do you have a pen? No Do you have 2 pens?

Answer 49

Chris D'elia

Question 50

We're matching each other's energy like to gay lovers in a steam room

Answer 50

Bert Kreischer

Question 51

That woman's there for the love of the game not the paycheck (woman giving blowjob in porn)

Answer 51

Bert Kreischer

Question 52

You sold me the circumcised shotgun. I want the uncircumcised one were you can pull the hood back.

Answer 52

Bert Kreischer

Question 53

Playing kickball my daughter probably thought she blew out her pussy. I tore my twat. I blew out my couch, Coach.

Answer 53

Bert Kreischer

Question 54

Take a whore's bath: pits and pussy

Answer 54

Bert Kreischer

Question 55

How does one become an abortion doctor? Well, I want to work with kids but I want to meet chicks who fuck, you know.

Answer 55

Bert Kreischer

Question 56

Hey do think on 9/11 someone at corporate 711 was linke, "That was close. Missed that by 2 months."

Answer 56

Bert Kreischer

Question 57

✭Ladies you've got to step up your blow job game. You're still playing JV basketball, and the gay guys are the Harlem Globe Trotters.

Answer 57

Bert Kreischer

Question 58

✭Laughing hysterically like to homeless guys that found a ham sandwhich

Answer 58

Bert Kreischer

Question 59

Motioning on how to get a girl off... "Cinnabons" "Paint the fence" "In the garage but up where you keep the bikes" - "Come hether bikes, come hether"

Answer 59

Bert Kreischer

Question 60

Can you not be the person I own a home with and be a whore for 5 minutes?

Answer 60

Bert Kreischer

Question 61

She's had two kids, she's not rockin' the original rims and tires.

Answer 61

Bert Kreischer