Lines

Question 1

…Does this mean you have an Idea?

Answer 1

Chief, my metaphorical balls are so lacerated you’d think I had a hypothetical crocodile in my trousers. As you know, its been a few months since you outlined the pot noodle brief, and I don’t mind admitting these past few months have been as fertile as a dead eunuch.

Question 2

But no longer.

Answer 2

I think not Sir. YOU’RE PROBABLY AWARE THAT we have recently acquired the London Associated Press.

Question 3

…and I certainly don’t let that stop me

Answer 3

And why should you?

Question 4

…but its all good publicity…

Answer 4

Uhm actually, Chief. I’m targeting something a little more specific here…

Question 5

I see, well let’s have it then, lad.

Answer 5

Well Sir, I was CHECKING OUT the titles we’ve acquired, looking for a decent male adult-interest magazine. They have some bloody interesting articles on vintage sports cars- those male adult-interest magazines, you know.

Question 6

…nothing dirty or shameful in that.

Answer 6

I guess I was trying to take my mind off pot noodles, but no go, I’m afraid. (paces) I was restless, fretful. I could feel it, I could smell it!

Question 7

Or have we moved into male adult-interest magazines?

Answer 7

Still the idea Chief… I knew it was close… I’d seen something in one of those magazines… But I couldn’t recall… The little Vodafone I keep in the back of my head was trying to dial me, but I guess my brain must have been in a meeting… Then suddenly…

Question 8

Your brain took the call!

Answer 8

Exactly. The paper I’ve been trying to remember was a magazine for hay fever sufferers, The Peoples Hay Fever Listener Examiner Gazette Magazine - Phlegm. (Hands it over) Or to put it another way; a Pot Noodle. It says here Chief, and get this… They have just invented a machine which is guaranteed to suck in pollen infested air, extract the pollen, and blow the air out again!

Question 9

I have no objection to milking a few snot noses…

Answer 9

Hmm, yes, but…

Question 10

…then I am unaware of it

Answer 10

I was…

Question 11

feather treatment from Lockheart Holdings…

Answer 11

I should say not, but…

Question 12

But really, Phillip, your secretary should be doing this sort of thing for you.

Answer 12

Chief, hear me out! It says here that the machine takes in oxygen from the air, cleans it, and stores it ready for when Cyril Snotnose feels a tickle coming on, when he can give himself a blast of pure, cool oxygen…

Question 13

Stores oxygen? What, like a scuba tank?

Answer 13

(v/ excited) YES! But more so… the ad says it incorporates a revolutionary compression process which allows considerable quantities of oxygen to be extracted from the air, and stored for when the sufferer needs to flood the environment with pure nose fodder!

Question 14

…but I really don’t see

Answer 14

Chief, think bigger, think stunningly big. Think first class cabin baggage allowance. What I’m talking about here is designer air!

Question 15

My God, it’s enourmous

Answer 15

I’ve done some research in sister fields, Sir. Water, for instance, you can have no concept on how big the ponce water market is, and after all, when you come down to it, what is Perrier? A multi-million pound industry, selling people stuff that falls out of the sky. The French must be absolutely pissing themselves, that’s probably what gives the stuff its acrid taste.

Question 16

…absolutely colossal here. Talk me through your thinking so far.

Answer 16

Picture our target consumer, right? I had graphics knock me together some visual backup. His career is in ascendant mode, his other car really is a Porsche. He wants the very best kind and he intends to get it.

Question 17

I like him already.

Answer 17

He has a home gym that looks like an iron lung factory. His yogurt is so alive it shuts the fridge door for him. His muesli is coarse enough to prize open the buttocks of a concrete elephant and his chickens are so free-range he meets them for drinks at his club. And what is he breathing? What is he breathing, Chief?

Question 18

You tell me, Phillip, You’ve done the research.

Answer 18

Bus drivers’ farts! That’s what he’s breathing. He is breathing the same stuff that people in the North are burping their Vitmo into. Have you any idea of the cocktail of natural fumes a dog emits when it’s on heat…?

Question 19

Pretty gruesome I should Imagine.

Answer 19

There are guys out there pulling down six figure incomes to be forced to breath that stuff! Something has to be done.

Question 20

We have a potential Pot Noodle in the building… Carry on, Phillip.

Answer 20

Picture it, Chief. You have two wine bars, Okay? Both are so crowded it takes 3 days to get a drink. Both have got girls slooshing the plonk with legs sufficiently frisky to revitalize the British motor industry. Both have got a large blackboard that says something indecipherable about game pie.. But get this, only one is offering pure sparkiling, garunteed filtered, cleansed and mineral enriched private air Now which holstery do you think our free wheeling troubleshooter who wants the best is going to patronize?

Question 21

…is a stallion stiffy

Answer 21

It’s a whale whopper

Question 22

It’s an elephants apendage

Answer 22

It’s a dinosaur dong

Question 23

It’s the giant’s giblets. How do we go about aquiring the thing?

Answer 23

Chief, I’m way ahead of you. You’re still training for 1992 in Barcelona, I’m on the way to Manchester for ‘96. I have brought up the patent in perpetuity. I also took the liberty of indocrinating one or two more junior top-level executives into the project. (He hits the intercom) Sandy, bring in Suck and Blow!