my cards

Question 1

Where the language needs to be repaired, cleaned out, I will bring in my words like a fountain.
It’s our mobility we’ve forgotten – I’ve been thinking about that nonstop since coming to utah– what are these invisible walls shutting us off against freedom of movement? The wildness of impulse? We’ve benlieved the lie of being civilized so deeply that we no longer remember true instinct. When we gather in groups we don’t remember the thrill of dancing or the power of ritual. We don’t know how to discuss or generate new timelines to guide us out of the past. We’ve forgotten the power that comes from within and between us, and only know about the power that keeps us in fear.

Answer 1

I’m trying to forgive myself for existing the way that I am

The voice of programming
The surveillor
The one always taller, more knowledgeable than me
The one who faces the people and governs them

As long as that role exists and is valued, we will not be free

As long as we leave that spot open to the energy that can benefit most from filling it.

Question 2

I had to choose life. The bare face of it. I don’t think I wanted to be happy when I was grieving. It got to where my joy, trapped in my body, was breaking me.
We are propelled to live. We cannot stifel it. Movement and life are the same. I thought by not moving I could stop life. But as long as your heart is beating you’re compelled to act out life. It’s a role you can’t reject or hide from.

Answer 2

I saw my highest self and it crushed me

I’m trying to forgive her for revealing her face to me. I’m trying to let her inhabit this body. But I’m resisting it.

The question in my base is yes or no
It is the question that keeps life going
Its unanswerability is the momentum behind all manifestation.

Awake comes from your base – if you did not have this trigger you would fall asleep – awake means you have trapped energy that needs to be released – all action, movement and speech is the release of energy. Sleeping is inhaling – we receive what we will give the next day with our movements.

To live in response to your body – in response to the question yes or no which sits you upright and makes you alert – to let yourself be propelled by this question, not intimidated by it
There is nothing to figure out – there is a natural propulsion that moves everyone, and we take it as an existential crisis. To die or to live – we cannot and are not expected to decide. There is only the friction between yes and no to guide us.

If you can find it in your body – and your resistance to it – you can locate your entire psychology, the way you cope with this question and your efforts to resist the unknowns it brings up for you.

To live as the creature you are – to live compelled by your own inner urgency (which used to be the source of your depression and anxiety) is the entire reason we’re all here
Expression comes forth out of friction – polar signals the body is pressed to find something to do with
You keep the current going–thats all it is–you remove the obstacles interrupting your own flow and rhythm, the way you come out into the world
A lot has been put in the way of honest/full expression because it’s the most powerful thing there is. It’s freedom – fully inhabiting, fully knowing

Question 3

Purging misogyny from my psyche - I am going to let myself go
(the woman who lets herself go is the enemy to this machine)

Answer 3

The tunnel is the length of your resistance

Question 4

The reason I am doing this is because I believe artists have carried out a task for a long time that they can no longer be given the burden of doing in isolation. Too much is happening for a handful of scattered artists to listen and respond to. We’ve ridden on the backs of their self-trust for centuries.
They are not more gifted or brilliant than you are.
They know a desire you simply don’t trust yourself to follow through.

All of us are regaining our instincts. We’ve been coddled by this machine. It holds us inside its walls, and only gives us tasks that can be completed inside them.

The uncommercialized artist is someone who enters uncharted space for the hell of it. In a world that’s been so colonized by one monolithic structure, we depend on art for freedom. It is a path outside this. But the experience of art is not enough. We need on a large scale the instincts that bring a person to make it. The focused gaze resting on unknown territory. We need to know how to interact with the unknown or we will always trust someone more gifted or knowledgeable to give structure to it.

Answer 4

mormon religion is to outer darkness, what this reality has done to the space outside it

Question 5

the way leila felt restrained by relationships – the way relationships have been used to tie us more to this machine and keep us locked in the traps of judgment and approval – the way relationships are the places where this reality is validated and enforced

tie this into the idea that our natural magnetism toward each other has been co opted

Answer 5

The question of instinct is the only question. Am I doing this right. We create rote memorization of behaviors and movements that seem effective and safe from the big question. We’re all safeguarding ourselves against the only thing that will give us our freedom and joy

Question 6

The message I got in my dreams last night was to forget myself a little more. To not rely so much on my confidence, well being, or mental fortitude to do the work. Much is being done behind the scenes to get me in a fit state to do this, and I can rely on that instead of spending time each day distracted by the question of whether I am able and capable. Don’t question it. Questioning is delaying. Questioning is fearing. It’s what stands in the way of me and channeling, that fluid relationship I want to achieve, so I can act whenever I want to.

My dreams have been playing back over encounters. A voice is alongside me, pointing things out, gently allowing my frustration and confusion as I struggle to learn why I feel bad. I receive all this and test my knowledge the next day. Over and over. Dreams train me. This is battle – how tempting it’s been to forget that. I am closing up all the holes one by one – where the enemy has gotten in. Trauma prepared me for psychic attack and the greate resetting of boundaries that comes after. You don’t heal back to the way you were before. You build a fortress around your joy and weed out every single thing that tries to dampen, exploit or suppress it. Fuck every force that acts in suppression of joy. We are the stars. Our light comes from the heart of the cosmos. What harms and blots us out will soon be what we refract effortlessly, so loud will be our joy and expression. There is nothing you can do to stop the growth of me. All this scarcity turns to abundance in my hands.
I do not have special skills. We are born with an armor we are taught to set down. How embarrassing, how unscientific, to rely on the strength of your own intuition, to sharpen your words like a sword, to know deeply that the love between us can prepare us for any death, any change, that this is the fabric by which we are malleable, always adaptive to the new world changes bring to us, and so there is no reason for fear.
There is no justification for fear, no matter how hurt you’ve been, and often it’s the ones who’ve been hurt the most that finally say fuck it and break out of fear’s shackles. There is only a mind still leaning on a backup story, not yet able to stand alone with its own inner knowledge. We say words we’ve heard others say because we don’t trust our own tongues to improvise. We move our bodies in a memorized way – memorized gestures and expressions we’ve seen others use without judgment being passed on them. We do what we have observed to be safe.
We’re all living in response to this surveillor who seems to know all our thoughts and movements, and who alone possesses the power to measure them. Like hostages, we try pleasing him. Attaching ourselves to him at times in the name of religion and righteous behavior. But does it ever work? The endless stream of actions we take to avoid trauma? Anyone who’s trying to heal will tell you no, your system simply crashes one day and you are forced to see what conditions you’ve been living under. Then you have to grieve. Many of us rediscover the child who first learned fear, and we ask her to forgive us, because we traded her joy for a place in this global network of isolation and self-questioning that causes us to either copy or condemn each other, whichever feels safest in our assessment of risk. It’s her we make reparations for, because she knew and understood what we are now having to work so hard to remember.

Answer 6

It should not take the strength and mental fortitude of a warrior to do this. To live self propelled by love and desire for expression. But it does, and so we require training. In an invisible battle, every day, we are fighting an illness that brings weakness to our whole species. Healing it in ourselves, we learn strength and can teach it to others. We also learn this illness – it becomes a familiar – and we understand that fighting it is our rite of passage to become strong and wise as a species. We need this illness, for a time, to understand the pain that comes from holding onto it, believing it, using it to shield ourselves from our true calling, which is uniting and building. In understanding the role of this illness, we can forgive ourselves for being so attached to it, and we can minimize the exhaustion that comes from resisting it. The purpose of this process is not to focus on the problem that plagues us but to redirect all our faculties toward the real purpose on our lives, which humanity has been avoiding. We are training ourselves to align with this purpose, to strengthen any areas where we’ve been practising avoidance, and then, when it’s time, to find others who are ready to build with us.

Question 7

Dissociation gives you a look at what you are in. A mind looking down at a body. You can allow yourself to see your interaction with the world, and you can train yourself to do this without fear.
Trauma will teach you fear, and fear, when lived in for months or years, can teach you the way out of it. Trauma pushes you straight into fear, it’s a den of vipers. And the only way to survive is to tame them. I stopped living with fear in my body because I just couldn’t sustain it anymore.

Answer 7

If I resent this story I resent myself

Question 8

Collective trauma looks to me like a one way ticket to mobilizing and finding personal power

Answer 8

This separation, on a global scale, is the separation between us and action. They teach us not to control ourselves, so they can do it for us.

Question 9

Your nervous system is your physical understanding of boundaries. Most of trauma work is resetting boundaries on all levels physical and psychic. Your relationship with these boundaries is your power.

Answer 9

The world needs to name its new experiences – we are like a growing child and our vocabulary __________________

Question 10

The only way to gain control of myself is to surrender but not give in
Any adversity that comes my way is but a moment in time that I cannot allow into my space unless I choose to
If I control myself, no one else can
Any institution or person that tires may be able to for a season, if I forget myself
If I remember myself, any adversity can easily be overcome
Any adversity I can overcome, I can do so bc I am in control of myself
Ultimately: I can overcome any adversity because if I am in control of myself, nothing can control me
Control is gained through the rejection thereof

Answer 10

This reality is a manifestation of the avoidance of pain
America is the avoidance of pain
Pain needs room to breathe, it lives on open air and being spoken
Allow it in your body. Your pain is your awareness of being alive.
Seeing it in yourself you will see it in everything
The pain that makes grass grow even as we walk on it
The pain is born out of all these lives pushing against each other – we are all alive at once
Coming and going
We cannot do anything without hurting each other
Every person carries the pain of all the lives pressing against them, constantly awakening and mirroring their own

Question 11

The world with all its life forms is set up so that we eat each other. We need each other’s hide. We need each other’s roots. We need the womb of another to come into being.
You cannot avoid this pain of coexistence. Life and death come out of our relationships. We make way for each other to pass through.

Answer 11

I can’t look away from the face of america. I know there are things going on elsewhere that deserve my attention but when I look in my heart all I see is the struggle going on here and what needs to happen. We’ve run ourselves so far that tit isn’t about what we want anymore. Everything rising up is a response. And I think we all know it.

I keep watching the faces of cops while the protestors shout at them. Total avoidance. This does not apply to me. How many of us can say that before this country collapses? We are a country or toddlers without parents. Whose country is this? No one seems to have taken real ownership of it. The people in “power” and the ones who support them are just children who don’t want to share their toys. They know the idea of ownership and are seeing how far it will get them. But in the hands of a child, ownership is just saying “no, this is mine.” It requires that there be someone getting denied what you have.
Once the person asking for your toy receives it, the whole game is over.

How long will this game go on, and what will be the punishment for the ones who humiliated us like this? Part of what makes the fight so exhausting is knowing that the oppressed are so much smarter than the ones holding power away from them. They have aged all this time and grown wiser.
This whole system gets by on hoarding and avoidance of loss. It does not take any amount of intelligence to hold your fist around something and not let it go. And we all look so dumb trying to open that hand.
The fight is so real in some ways but it was also made up. They wrote it. They wrote a story in which they decide who lives and who dies, and what each person is given. The earth is a resource to all who live on it, but they made it out to be otherwise. And build a monopoly on that premise. Because they constructed a physical reality around this story, we all have to play along. Even though we know our survival was not theirs to begin with.

Because I am a white woman I am on both sides of this game. I enjoy survival while also knowing the threat of its loss. And I’m always aware of the white american man I’m connected to no matter what I do to remove myself. He is there, justifying. He still won’t let go.
As white women, we like to think we can convince them. Coax the hand open. We are the counterpart to selfishness, and also (when our survival looks to be at stake) we are the defender of it.

Question 12

Control has been the study of my life, all the ways I am navigating it just by existing. This world eats itself continually. It isn’t full of danger but opportunities to be confined. So much of your experience is what you allow. But there’s a paradox to it that I always find myself toying with. Because the confinements we experience are very real. We all encounter them, every life force on earth is met with trappings set up for it. And yet it seems to be our agreements to those trappings that truly bind us. This is the main interplay I sense in the world right now. And I don’t know how it all plays out. Like any paradox it can go on forever without resolution, but the use of any paradox is its unsolvability. It provides momentum – an unanswerable question that triggers the life force in us to wake up. We are more alert when we are toying with two opposite truths. It has to do with survival – the question of death presents itself in every moment that you are alive, so for your whole life you are being met with both forces and deciding where to put the friction that choice brings. All of life is triggered and propelled by these conflicting truths we’re capable of holding. So their unanswerability doesn’t phase me at all. The ending is irrelevant, it’s about the momentum.

Answer 12

A face turns into a mask when the wearer outgrows it

Freedom requires constant updating – freedom is a continued momentum kept by a focused and playful mind

I had to learn my captivity in order to disavow it

This is my creative process – finding traps and freeing myself from them

Question 13

We give our power to what we see as powerful. If our definition of power is an image of an abuser, then we cannot be surprised when we find ourselves being abused. Why have we accepted such a narrow understanding of the thing that, if properly understood, could save us from self destruction?
Our language gets narrowed down while we aren’t watching.

Answer 13

When will the world come back together? There’s a language we can all understand. We take part in a silent conversation that just needs to be brought to the surface. We’re all hiding this secret we know and have built our defenses around. Every night when we sleep the walls come down, and then in the morning we reinforce them. We’re wearing the wrong armor. The two were switched out when we weren’t looking.

Question 14

Making art is making boundaries. You get to determine the conversation you want to have and the way you want to reveal yourself to the world.

Answer 14

Speaking is also remembering. That’s why it’s so important to keep speech alive and not let ourselves talk from a place of emptiness. There’s a way of speaking that allows your voice to transmit true memory.
We talk to distract ourselves from what we’ve forgotten

SPEAKING AS THERAPY and the way kids who hear their voice reading could focus better – seeing speech for what it is could heal the world

Question 15

This body is a meeting place for a decision

This moment is a meeting place for a decision

Answer 15

Why are so many women experiencing post partum depression and autoimmune disorders after giving birth?
Who is protecting women from trauma?

Question 16

Teach me how to hold this rhythm

Answer 16

The image of the sphere which is the place of rhythm

Question 17

The way I inhabit this space is the way

Answer 17

Writing is a way for you to travel while tethering yourself with every word
People who have places to go within themselves can get a lot of use from writing

Question 18

All turmoil both inner and outer is an outcome of displaced control

Answer 18

Chaos is just the untrapping of energy – unrest comes when we haven’t released something. Groups of people all experiencing something tend to circulate energy together. There needs to be a healthy way to make conscious what’s been unconscious and bring things to light. If the way of the group is to shun its own unconsciousness and live in denial of what’s trying to surface, you’ll create basically a pressure cooker. You opt for chaos, which will hit you when you aren’t expecting it.
Every group has a form of rigidness or defensiveness that is socially accepted as rational. Defensiveness (out of defensiveness) can make itself an entire school of thought. All that combined energy that could be used to understand the group energy and help guide its direction is instead used to stifle or repress the energy that feels bad. When we divert our energy to doing that, or when we fight against the people who seem to be stirring the pot, we leave ourselves open to any kind of domination. Groups should not brace themselves against each other, just like one individual shouldn’t be his own enemy. They should brace themselves against ulterior control.
All energy needs to embrace itself, and know itself, so that what truly does not belong is easily identifiable and can be tackled in one motion. Disagreement among its own parts is not the problem of a goup – it’s something that must be understood and resolved so that everyone can free up their energy again. We exacerbate problems so much by ignoring and repressing them. Stress is not good for a body. We get nothing from the avoidance of pain.

Question 19

We all know one thing. Most of us just let ourselves be taught the denial of it. By adulthood we’ve internalized our own concealment so deeply that we no longer see what we held and hten hid.
It was the joy they felt in the garden that made Adam and Eve want to cover themselves.

Answer 19

The power of my listening combined with total certainty of understanding
I look at things knowing I can transform them
I’m learning a gaze can be life giving

Question 20

I’ve learned my water is always breaking – only this water spells urgency

Answer 20

I had to find the center of the wheel
From which I could reach out and meet everything
Learning your place of contact is learning your center – from the center you can move the whole wheel forward

Question 21

The only way to see the world is to create space between you and it. Learning your gaze you can learn the angle from which you come at life. As you watch the world you watch yourself watching it. The life in you meeting the life outside you. We don’t get to find that until we take time and space for it. You don’t have to live in default relationship with the world. You can reset it to be the connection your life wants to make. [women i know who live on high speed without ever having had a reset, and the women whose lives break down when they havent had it, haven’t grieved – this earth will have her grieving, we will no longer punish her with our avoidance of pain]

Answer 21

This dynamic needs fuel. The energy of its participants. We turn this world around and around with a give and take of our choosing.
We wanted to perform labor we would not have to decide the aims of.
Even our fight is contained in the bondage of this power agreement
We have agreed that our oppressors will receive this fighting energy. Either we work for or against them, either way our energy is still theirs.

Question 22

Because they have hold of our means of survival, we think their reality is real

Answer 22

When I look at every single thing going on in the world as a concerted effort to suppress our joy things make a lot more sense

Question 23

The world learns with music and language

Answer 23

We made up these roles and filled them
Because we saw paintings of chris on the cross and thought his suffering was a mandate. We used him to feed our guilt. We used jesus to validate the same doctrine as the pharisees. The same enforcing voice. The limitation of life force has gone on for so long and has used many instruments.

Question 24

Joy contains inherent risk

It is the open field the animal is hesitant to step into

Answer 24

When you look into something, you can unlock the key of it

Question 25

Simplicity in language It gives you the fundamentals with which you can build cities I give you the voice that sees to the heart of something and distills its contents It is how these words are put together that will walk you through what truth they are trying to communicate. You can give someone something to walk through. I write you a path -- these lines are meant to be walked on, in order to be understood. I placed these words like stepping stones so you can have the experience of putting one foot here, and then here, and then here, and as you go it is not the stones but your feet that do all the connecting. I give you simplicity so you can hear yourself in it.

Answer 25

I am understanding Our agreement to be restrained If we wanted to have something to hold ourselves to Why could it not have been

Question 26

We could have built a universal language of our pain | instead we built empires for silencing it

Answer 26

We do not have to see one truth We only have to do away with all this punishing

Question 27

You can believe things are the way they are or you can believe they are the way You are

Answer 27

Written word You speak what cannot be spoken Our mouths fear saying too much Being caught understanding

Question 28

My pen is my skirt brushing the floor as my hand dances ``` Space around me and I am Whirling it I form slowly a center I move from the eye of this delicate storm I whipped up into being ```

Answer 28

``` I am one person understanding the rhythms that guide better worlds I happen to have the apparatus in me that will Birth it ```

Question 29

I can clear any energy I want to This is what liberation is to me When you release one thing you can feel a surge of another. Holding on with energy is rarely the way to go. It wants to be directed (and by being directed, set free)

Answer 29

Steady and stable confidence I am taking myself through this One part of me is lost and the other is guiding I’m the one on the ground going through this obstacle course not to get to the end but to learn how to go through it I’m perfecting something and being thorough about it. But I’m doing it for the one guiding me. I go where I take myself.

Question 30

You cannot know unknowns and that is not the point. Unknowns are not simply “what is not known.” the unknown is a way of opening oneself. There is a presence that teaches. It does not discern for you but calls you to discern for yourself. We call it the void or the unknown because it brings up that unknowing in ourselves. But it would be better not to project that onto this presence. It teaches you to know and not know. One part of you is blind and the other is guiding. How can you know them both? My life is this constant opening out. I designed it so i would be honed and perfected through deliberate contact with this presence. It might be better called an Oracle. I meet it every day with my entire self. We get to work conversing. It asks the questions and i search for what will be my response. Then i write it down and listen for what i still feel i do not know. In my blindness i find the me that sees. The oracle sees you both and you cannot stand before it without accepting this reality. The other truth it will show you without sparing your fear is that you learn whatever you feel capable of not yet knowing. Thus our fear of not knowing is what stands in the way of us understanding all things. What the oracle teaches is the necessary confrontation with fear -- fear of not knowing (of being the self that is blind) and fear of knowing (of being the self who guides). These are the resistances that rise up, and this is for a reason : these two selves need to combine. [read for the rest of it]

Answer 30

Everyone who’s here was taught to be in this reality properly. Simply to be in accordance with it and transact with it. But when are we taught to learn our own reality? And actualize it? We inherit all this and think what we see is true, and that more truth can’t be found elsewhere. There is another way to inherit the earth.

Question 31

I think resetting is like a sacred woman thing. Resetting in whatever form. The type of power we’ve standardized is unrelenting. It is power because it keeps going without halt. It’s almost like you get rewarded for being as unfemale as possible.

Answer 31

The world is more than what we made of it We only inherited an idea of a world We inherit all that has been accepted into it (resetting)

Question 32

There’s this practicality in the reasoning behind everything thats very hard to pierce through. None of this is practical. We only view it that way because it’s a continuation of what’s already been done. What is efficient to this system does not matter if the system itself is not efficient.

Answer 32

The self destructiveness in whiteness and wealth | Whiteness became self destructiveness as soon as we accepted the wrong idea of thriving

Question 33

The tunnel is shaped by imprints left on it and as we pass through, we become the other side of those impressions. We are an outcome and manifestation of them Everything we experience and call knowledge is intergenerational How can you see what is wrong with it when you are it? Having a self that stands outside reality is what gives you endless power for liberation Not rejecting reality altogether but choosing in what ways you want to interact your self with it

Answer 33

Claiming your self as your own I see all this entanglement with reality and it’s not healthy. Because that shit changes We only give ourselves the illusion it doesn’t. And so we create stagnancy, because we don’t want to experience change as loss of self This world is not us. We just inherited it. And the ones after us will inherit our understanding of it. The gaze that holds it in focus. So in my view more than infrastructure we need to be building an understanding. Cleansing our understanding. And in order to clean something of toxins you need to remove yourself from it a bit, so you can see clearly. If you identify too much with something you’re going to do a bad job of raising real questions about it. The you who experiences this reality is the you who is going to be most susceptible to the fear that comes with changes. Having backup selves in all other realities will be helpful. Make a home for yourself everywhere. Because this world is just one place where you are having an experience.

Question 34

Your self is not limited by this reality. You do not have to fit into this tight space. We are anxious because this reality does not make room for us and rejects many new things brought into it. We’re anxious because we have to exist as if we did not know things are wrong here. The reality of things as they are feels stiff and rigid and like we have to live up to it. But it isn’t doctrine if you have other truth you are ready to bring into it. You can bring yourself into any space if you know the self that exists in all spaces. Theres no opposition between them if you do not accept that perceived opposition. Others may perceive you to be counter to their reality, but your belief that you are not in opposition with things can often obliterate any opposition a person or institution tries to throw your way. People believe in opposition when their reality appears to validate it. That is what you can obliterate. I’m starting to believe people are not stupid, they only need to be given permission. We inherited this world -- meaning we inherited a whole network of perceptions and relationships. More than just questioning and reworking some of those relationships, we need to rework our relationship with world as a whole. The reality of things as they are is not doctrine. And i think the push to make it so has deep roots in misogyny. When you make only one reality valid and believable, youre better able to control everyone who lives in it. And when you make their survival dependent on their ability to assimilate to that reality, you have their mind and their body in a world you can manipulate.

Answer 34

All rigidness is a religion. We believe in it. We find leaders for it. We think we deserve it. And worst of all we mistake it for stability

Question 35

I think the lesson we’ve learned is that no one can dictate relationship for us and it cannot be escaped by ideas of hierarchy Even those who oppressed us were afraid They did not know what to do with all this life Their answer was to oppress it And we let them because we knew and understood their pain I’m living now out of my own volition And i see that what i speak births worlds for me I have to accept this world without fear. I am human and so i exist in awareness of relationship. I see all this life and the way it grinds and pulls against itself. And still i find it in me to speak into it what i’m willing to surrender and be an equal part of is what i’m able to find self control and autonomy in. its a paradox i never thought i could embody and live with and every day its a conscious decision. What i limit in my world i also limit in me. And i love myself enough now to allow for all expansion.

Answer 35

Just because someone sees you from the outside does not mean their perception is more reasonable. The sense of being seen guides more of our behavior than the gift of seeing. We turn it off. We don’t see anymore because seeing is not what is rewarded. People like you when you perform the act of being seen in a way that pleases or intimidates them. People like it when their respect is gained by someone else’s behavior. And we have a whole definition of beauty based on that.

Question 36

As your awareness increases so does your awareness of anxiety Animals who are prey are more anxious because they have to be more aware. Is the natural empathy/nervousness/intelligence we see in women just an adaptation we developed to know/understand/anticipate the predator?

Answer 36

Things make more sense after trauma. But it’s hard to point out to others what I see in the world as enforced trauma and the manifold responses to it. Trauma is how this world functions. Everything that happened to me is happening on a broad scale. What felt normal to me at the time turned out to be me making deals with a parasite. My energy was so much his that i did not see it from a place of ownership and so could not separate me from the toxin that made my system his. It wasnt my mind that got me out of it eventually as much as my body which just couldnt sustain it anymore. Only then did my thoughts become conscious. The body of this world will very quickly recognize what it can no longer sustain, and it will drop it. Healing from a parasite takes longer, but i think the physical agreement to be driven on by it will end very suddenly. Only after that will more people and whole societies see the dissonance thye held for so long but thought of as an integral part of their reality. Without this stress, we’ll see illness on a worldwide decline.

Question 37

I can feel something descending snaking around through the air drums beating and a woman rising up from the ground whatever we did that summoned her is about to be ___________ back to us in a language we have shunned

Answer 37

You have to create an environment for yourself, you have no choice

Question 38

Liberation to me does not mean changing the system. It means changing the eye whose gaze holds it suspended. It means changing the way the system is inherited by those after us. Will they be taught creation’s laws, or will they accept this world as law itself and not the outcome of intention manifesting.

Answer 38

We are learning that things can be recreated. Not just rearranged. Not just rebranded under a new name or leader. This reality was made by exertion. Is maintained through exertion. It is breaking its back. When the gaze is not liberated the object of it is bound by the same restraints.

Question 39

Fighting will only keep us here. In this reality. Rest to imagine new worlds. Learn new laws. Then start building by them. ****active imagination***

Answer 39

I give myself freedom to connect to all things I let go into this river where all things move in one direction not static movement but a movement that is formulated and acted out within every moment

Question 40

I create my own doubt just like I create my belief. I am my own religion now. I create my own laws and outcomes.

Answer 40

I decide if I am moving and how freely (healing from religion, "The main technique of restricting a woman's right to pleasure is to make her fear her own body" (from politics of pleasure)

Question 41

I see myself now from inside a glass ball through crystal I am directing music things sing to me asking me to help them sing together I become an instrument that harmonizes all others

Answer 41

********* I cleared way for this. I am on another level now that I have dug my way through the walls reality built for me. I was in reality but now I am in the one I am creating. Outside of reality there is empty space waiting to be developed into the dimension of reality. We have to learn our way out of the prebuilt one so we can learn how it is built. And then build one ourselves.

Question 42

My search for worthiness and self assurance cannot override my search for the next layer. To remember my worth I have to remember the bigger search I am on. My mind simply wants the feeling of searching. So why not be on a search of my own active navigation.

Answer 42

Truth needs this distillery What I’m doing is filling, unfilling, and being filled again with the next thing I empty myself completely into this And see if it will keep bringing more in return for me

Question 43

The biggest thing I know about humanity is we learn through work and playing

Answer 43

We didn’t set up reminders for ourselves -- we have to set them in place for the ones who inherit this

Question 44

When we heal the narcissist we heal everyone -- we create safe connection All we need is safe connection -- and narcissism is one symptom of a disease we all have carried

Answer 44

Our mind/heart split

Question 45

We are learning whether we want opposition or are just dependent on it

Answer 45

It all seeks intersection (dosidomifa song) Bodies seek immolation which will bring us back to life in greater vividness ^tie this into death, dying many times over

Question 46

With these words I find foreignness And create familiarity (language as distance and the closing of it)

Answer 46

Nothing can be terrifying. The artist cannot hate herself. [how can a creator hate her world?]

Question 47

This is the part where we learn that laws of nature do not necessitate religion or constant punishing

Answer 47

We overcorrected and we’re starting to see that the tension we’ve held is not natural and it is not mandated by those better or more knowledgeable than us. We can love life. And see it as a space in which to move freely. The grief is that we let ourselves be convinced of things that hurt us. And we lost our childhood for it.

Question 48

I’m here for this unleashing -- the ultimate creative risk -- us trusting that we wrote this story and are just acting out the living of it and filling out its details and color. We decide whether we will move freely in this or act our of someone else’s control. We can fixate on what overwhelms us or we can hold it in a trance and move with it.

Answer 48

Nothing is foreign or ugly to us. We know al these materials. We will learn all their laws and not kill ourselves overthem anymore. We have been acting out a dream of suffering and righteousness. We all directed it where we wanted to, toward others or toward ourselves. I am understanding now that what I thought was evil was just a habit of suffering which invited evil. Exploitation is suffering. And it is permitted by suffering. When you subjugate another you are role playing the subjugation of yourself. We all know the self and we treat it the way we feel we deserve. This world scares us. We regimented it. We did what we could to make it feel safer. I don’t blame us anymore. I’ve gone months and years acting as my own autocrat. Harming my world with insistence. At the time I knew no other way. Maybe when christ came we took what he said in love and used it to punish ourselves out of fear. Maybe he taught us life but did not teach us how we can lovingly guide ourselves through it. You can love one another all you want and still hate yourself. Which leaves the door open to every form of punishing.

Question 49

I see us right now. None of us want to be here.

Answer 49

Why did we create such unlivable conditions for so many beautiful people. Why did we not take beauty and run with it. I see our heart. We have something lodged here. And we hold it here because we think we deserve it.

Question 50

The world can be anything. One set of materials can make completely different things, depending on the relationships that are established between them. I am learning the laws of things, so I can create worlds by them.

Answer 50

The global food network was not made to teach people how to gather their own sustenance--the outcome is that we fear foraging, we fear self sufficiency and we fear the world that feeds us. We need this separation

Question 51

This machine runs on addiction | Machines by their nature make us reliant on them

Answer 51

Reality validates. But it also teaches. And often what is being validated is only what is being taught. Religion makes itself needed by understanding our needs and filling them while inserting its aims into them. So as we eat what it gives us, we are not only receiving the sustenance we need, we are also eating what they intentionally put into it. Understand what you need and fill it without reliance upon those who have built a system to feed you only halfway. Some people who say they want to help you actually just want you to depend on them for help.

Question 52

We have no leaders. We’ve all been crippled by your agreements with this machine. It teaches us not to care about our real evolution. Only about functioning better and better inside this machine.

Answer 52

The tension we feel is the conscious mind running on ______ for centuries without release. The release is always unconsciousness making itself known

Question 53

power as the degree to which you ostracize the feminine and prioritize hyperconscious over the unconscious

Answer 53

the dynamics rn between men and women, men in path of least resistance, women kept in trauma and attachment, waiting for moments of connection or laboring to teach their men

Question 54

write about sex and women's bodies, how much of this is done to drive women out of their bodies, how much of this is for the purpose of trauma

Answer 54

rewrite abt. colonizing indigenous land bc they weren't using it efficiently enough

Question 55

everything we see happening in reality is what we think we deserve this survival is our lie

Answer 55

finding and helping the self that interacts -- be specific abt we aren't healing self and world as much as we're healing that place of interaction

Question 56

real issues vs planted ones -- enforced tail chasing

Answer 56

false binaries, socialism vs capitalism, etc

Question 57

"the narcissist is always centered in the empath's story"

Answer 57

"most people these days are unrecognizable"

Question 58

tension and release -- 800 year corset

Answer 58

adults need to learn how to carry themselves into better places no matter where they are in the physical world

Question 59

allowing oneself to be distracted bc of underlying assumptions of unworthiness -- this corset is distracting,, heels are distracting, they are meant to constrain you in this way -- self absorption so you are not adding to collective energy

Answer 59

everything is divided into two things: life and the stopping up of life. we come up against a wall when we've stopped up too much (pressure fucks up the system) and then have to release it. we act out in our own personal/private worlds the same things that are unsustainable in the outside. we believe reality is bigger and stronger than us & so we separate ourselves from it, isolating in our own grappling with the pain this story creates

Question 60

Trust -- what danni said is needed to integrate all this -- knowing that nothing is foreign to you

Answer 60

artists are the ones who are learning to trust and work with unstructured space -- we have valued structure more than the creating of it. we have made ourselves less than structure. smaller and weaker than it. the artist stands equal to the space she works in. she empowers her gaze. she becomes bigger to hold conversation with big things. we are not smaller than this reality and we are not isolated from it. what we are already creates our reality, so why not shift to the designing of it.

Question 61

feminine/masculine -- how we've both been crippled

Answer 61

write abt how to be a creator, how to see things as a creator, and so find freedom from categories, labels and judgments

Question 62

we limit our options -- the hypermasculation of thinking, the way we've narrowed ourselves into boxes and binaries

Answer 62

unhealed connection -- the food of life i talked to danni about

Question 63

we need to be stronger, not to do more heavy lifting but to be more upright

Answer 63

the only enemy is the mind's urge to narrow itself

Question 64

we have no leaders

Answer 64

the anxiety and depression of extrication, other obstacles to leaving the machine

Question 65

harvesting human energy -- this is an attack on the heart

Answer 65

healing is life

Question 66

what khensu said about vulnerability

Answer 66

spells on the body

Question 67

lsd was once used to control us but now we are using it to wake ourselves us. anything used for evil can be used for good. we an watch their moves and wake ourselves up with them -- trump forced an awakening

Answer 67

"trust and distrust, and how the two are not always as simple as mere opposites"

Question 68

writing is problem solving -- when oneness is needed, language is the instrument -- i will take polarity and make oneness out of it

Answer 68

training my focus -- i did not have ADD once i rejected the system that stigmatized my way of thinking -- that diagnosis and its medication is part of the rejection of childhood and the feminine, a narrow understanding of time

Question 69

These debates are sanctioned. If we all view each other as insane and irresponsible we will further depend on a system that keeps us in line.

Answer 69

religion is used to justify invasion

Question 70

This world is run by a dream of self destruction. only the opposite of it can cure it. The woman who creates. And so she is the target of this dream. Her defenselessness assures its continuance. The world moves around her as a vortex of mirrors. Reflecting her weakness back onto her. This is not a man’s world. Not even close. These men were created by the brokenness of woman. Harsh sounds forced into the ear in her that listens. A woman is a test of how much she can internalize. What we internalize powers this world. Allows this world. If the brokenness of the woman is kept intact, so is the brokenness of the lives that come through her.

Answer 70

feminism is a boundary

Question 71

I'm writing what it feels like inside this machine -- what it feels like with walls around you

Answer 71

the alpha male - his idea of strength weakens him

Question 72

this was built in the physical to imprint itself on the eye that looks through you and is non physical. the ground is the mirror to the sky. the ones who built this reality are trying to get a message to the sky. when i write i am also on the ground, i am the book in your hand, trying to send a message to the eye that looks on it.

Answer 72

i am describing this reality as an atmosphere. we believe everything we see. and so we let anything happen to us.

Question 73

women are channels -- we will let so much run through us that this water will become more us than them, and we will all remember how good this water tastes when it is not poisoned.

Answer 73

They're fucking with creation -- the passage to creation -- the woman as she shapes life -- they want their imprint on each living person

Question 74

there is life and there is the urge to trap life -- our minds want one way of doing things -- the mind is a stricture

Answer 74

this entire reality is built off of hatred of women, and so there are very few women -- why would you want to be what is hated -- so most women make themselves whatever is least hated -- the artist hates herself -- and so creation is poisoned with self punishment

Question 75

We let most of our relationship be childhood relationship. one toddler shouting at or taking comfort in another. something is stunted in our relationship. There are walls between us limiting our growth.

Answer 75

the anxiety of our separation -- waking up to it -- not relying on fundamentalism anymore -- we have been self soothing -- it is constant maintenance to keep up our avoidance and not let it lie

Question 76

oneness has to protect itself against separation (a paradox). it has to draw a boundary. it has to learn separation by allowing it into itself. every poison was first eaten. we act out trauma and the healing of it.

Answer 76

The moment to moment decision of whether to hold yourself off from oneness From this decision springs everything In these bodies it’s always both Control of separation and surrender in oneness One question asked and returned with two answers Yes and no Death is return. Going away is life.

Question 77

writing out of the wound -- the wound is the portal to oneness

Answer 77

These structures were built for only one way of being in a body

Question 78

narrowness in men

Answer 78

every major corporation established themselves through monopoly. monopoly is the path of this reality as a whole.

Question 79

worthlessness in men

Answer 79

fearful thoughts feel like they grate against me. there's this pain. and when i notice it i remember i'm always feeling it. fearful thoughts. constricting thoughts. when i dream is when i release myself into dreaming.

Question 80

men and the use of the conscience

Answer 80

the boyfriend/earth model, the corset, this plays out inside every person

Question 81

men and gaming - hierarchy

Answer 81

this is our period of conscious separation - between men and women

Question 82

it's not one man but one structure kept in place by many (or keeping itself in place). a CEO is simply the one who could lose himself most to this structure, and become the agent of it. the more fully you lose yourself the more you are rewarded. and kept dependent on your reward. this system of power is a test of what you will trade for its security and how well you will be able to ignore in your edifice of power all those who have never seen a glimpse of it.

Answer 82

this is the body made into machinery -- the body operated by another

Question 83

It is the choice of whose story you will believe. This fight plays out in our bodies. At the floor of our bodies. The world’s stage.

Answer 83

You can command your own experience. You can do it calmly like a child arranging his toys.

Question 84

this is the choice between light or darkness moment by moment and inside your body it is the choice between embracing or rejecting your experience for All that it is. I have to actively remind myself "This is my body." because this fight is the fight over it. listening to yourself or in some way berating yourself. you are the free being or you are the trapper and the warden of him.

Answer 84

why is this reality so supportive of the woman being driven out of her body why do so many aspects of it encourage that state of non being

Question 85

This reality works by creating a fight where there isn't one. It jeopardizes your safety just so the fight for it feels real.

Answer 85

This gaze creates truth just by looking.

Question 86

affirmation: | This energy is mine. My field is mine. It is not anyone else’s. Religion is used to justify invasion.

Answer 86

What are your thoughts on the last part, about it being justifiable? I've read the quote before that one but never the mother part noteventhetip: the jenny slate property comment comes to mind. how they view their mothers as partial owners of themselves as children, but ultimately they view their mothers as property of their fathers and you don't damage another man's property unless you want to damage him

Question 87

"i think men are just primitive, possessive, and selfish and that's what every issue of theirs boils down to"

Answer 87

i am learning time and what is required to navigate it. time which is space for manifestation. these bodies are working this space. there is everything to learn in it. this global body learns things all at once. and this is what we're learning right now. the demands of freedom, if we want it. what is required to not lean on confinement anymore. it is an active process. we are learning that there is no taboo space. there is only taboo navigation of space. our misunderstanding about this brought us here.

Question 88

"most of white america has no culture outside of consumerism so burning down a chili’s is like destroying a family heirloom"

Answer 88

weakening of men, weakening of women, weakening of children

Question 89

sexual abuse is creative abuse

Answer 89

misuse of energy -- the lie of working for something -- my energy is enough to manifest time in its own way

Question 90

clinging too quickly to what is knowable is a symptom of this reality/our influence under the man who built it

Answer 90

navigation in life -- you go as far as you bring yourself

Question 91

the heels thing -- self absorption is self containment

Answer 91

seeing things as a creator means freedom from categories, labels and judgments

Question 92

monopoly

Answer 92

suspension of ownership -- as long as this is unclaimed space, the fight for it will keep going

Question 93

concealment of earnestness -- even our artists are infected by the disease of self effacement. they do not want you to recognize the heart behind their work. they efface it with reality.

Answer 93

this system is one insecure man doubling down over ten generations. he wants to secure his way of existing by belittling and punishing all others.

Question 94

In male-female relationships, power and protection have to be reciprocated. These were stripped of men, which stripped women of their natural need for reciprocation. We had to be alone, we had to go into hiding. Our world had to go underground. It could not be left vulnerable. The men overhead were bombing. Trying to snuff each other out, and forgetting about safety with women. We raised ourselves into narcissism. We raised the empath. Both are the outcome of an attachment, a connection that’s been messed with. One is waiting for connection she’ll never receive. One left the house and is out bombing things. There is a tight ball of pain between men and women which they see when they look at each other. Male and female have been kept apart from each other. And we’ve searched to name every other problem but this one. When i look around i seen an elaborate deflection from it.

Answer 94

When the empath comes out of hiding she is no longer an empath. Like many things, it turned out to be nothing more than a space between her and the world, keeping her from feeling it clearly. The empath does not have to force connection. Connection naturally springs from her and abides by her terms for it. She does not have to submit to someone else’s inconsistencies for connection to be promised. The empath leaves herself open hoping someone will come in and give her the desired connection this world has deprived from her. The narcissist is the filling of that opportunity.

Question 95

misuse of structure -- structure used to efface, so you no longer recognize non effacement

Answer 95

enforced chaos built to give us the impression that our structures were built to give necessary consistency

Question 96

dying -- this system blocks dying and effaces it -- it is the obstructed tunnel

Answer 96

masculine tropes were made to weaken men, not strengthen them

Question 97

a woman is managed property -- men fighting to manage it

Answer 97

the moment we broke a way was the moment we questioned our relationship to the ecosystem. we are trying to do ourselves what can only be done as an ecosystem. we cornered and cordoned ourselves out of a false perception of our place in the ecosystem. we banished ourselves from the garden. when we undo this story we undo the harm that sprung from it.

Question 98

Creating is learning how to let yourself create and finding the blocks you put up to it -- learning to not mistake your ability to practice Not Knowing with not knowing how to be creative

Answer 98

men literally just need to learn accountability, all the horrible shit they do and the illnesses they create for themselves are just acts of avoidance either of the past or of future consequences

Question 99

The self destructiveness in whiteness and wealth | Whiteness became self destructiveness as soon as we accepted the wrong idea of thriving

Answer 99

We’re living blinded by reality instead of creating with/alongside it ******

Question 100

This is the part where we learn that laws of nature do not necessitate religion or constant punishing

Answer 100

I am learning more about the ones who run this. And the ways they secure our involvement. This year I have seen how they use our bodies to make things real. To be believed. Whether it is pandemic or child trafficking or the murder of black citizens. They will us to believe in all this. Like spells acted out upon a body.

Question 101

The war on indigenous people was not about land, but the proper use of it, and of the life force of those working in tandem with it THIS IS ABOUT LAND territory and the use of it

Answer 101

this entire reality is built off of hatred of women, and so there are very few women -- why would you want to be what is hated -- so most women make themselves whatever is least hated -- the artist hates herself -- and so creation is poisoned with self punishment

Question 102

We fall into ranks with each other -- our strength which is our capacity for connection is now used to weaken us -- self diminishing -- self concealing -- mirroring others in preference over the self. Foucault -- prison mentality -- we fall into ranks, we self punish, we watch ourselves, we hold ourselves in line, we measure ourselves, and we mirror others as they do this too. There is this itch, this constant desire or compulsive habit to berate the self and level with others. The end desire is connection and this system encourages self diminishment as the means for connection. In this world, love is a weakness. You don’t stand strong in it, you find hiding in it. You exercise your weakness -- in this sado masochistic society we want to do anything to receive the connection held off from us, and so we allow the sadist and we allow him to teach us to be the masochist. How many compromises will we make for the love we want. A woman is a test of how much she can compromise. We compromise the self in our search for safety in others. We do not feel safe inside this machine. And that drives us toward each other. Toward being perceived by each other. We leave our selves open to being perceived by this panopticon. In our stripped down state we must diminish the self until it is no longer visible and vulnerable.

Answer 102

what women will do for love

Question 103

``` Contentment is an access point It can take you where you want to go The moment can be a portal It only needs to be opened The eye that sees into it travels through it and guides its own direction its life is the tunnel it digs your life is a tunnel you bore through the body of things there is an effort to keep you in separation, and make you believe you have to dig to somewhere (work for time) as if time were your master. The truth is you’re not digging the tunnel to somewhere, you’re trying to make it wider. You work with the light at the end of it to let more come through it. ```

Answer 103

America: We are only in one dimension with each other. Dancing around each other according to an unspoken and learned choreography. We spend our lives perfecting our dance. And then we pass away.

Question 104

The man is younger than the woman | She has more origin

Answer 104

This is a simple act of seeing, believing, and then telling. I am liberating myself from the mind that does not believe itself. I will trust my judgment even as it walks me through what I fear. What I used to tremble at it will show me again. And what I see is that what I feared was myself, my own incapacity. I did not believe I could see into things and my fear colored every situation. What I have learned is that certainty of understanding--certainty in the eye that seeks understanding--transforms all situation. Where you are situated is not where you are vulnerable, it is where you stand, seeing. From this eye all surroundings are informative. All context, all predicament, is there to be looked into. You liberate interaction by believing you are worthy and capable of it.

Question 105

It is the choice of whose story you will believe. This fight plays out in our bodies. At the floor of our bodies. The world’s stage.

Answer 105

revise the boyfriend scenario, men and women separate from each other, the wound between them

Question 106

women clinging to confinement -- women clinging to religion -- the landowner's wife chose confinement -- stockholm syndrome -- we want the limitation because it's all we know now

Answer 106

Being a woman is a constant effort to keep myself from being driven out of my body. Which they do by leading me to believe I cannot command it myself. The only thing for me to do is to learn to command my body and see that its command was never challenged in the first place. It was only one perception of many that could have been experienced in that stretch of time. I happened to believe that one was for me. (this applies to me only probably, not to the abused woman)

Question 107

This gaze creates truth just by looking. write about gaze

Answer 107

note to self: Be commanding of your world, even when you don’t feel like it. This way, your target will never be switched out for anyone else’s. The false perception that acts as the devil in your world is one perception of many available to you. You are growing out of a habit of seeing this perception and believing it is for you. And immediately despairing over it. You know now that you command perception which guides and harnesses your world. The trick is to do this at all times, even when you are tempted to believe that something is preventing you from being able to do it. Those blocks are always illusory. You can command your world from any place, any angle in it. There are many states of being here and because it is your world all of them are inhabitable. None of them are objectionable. Religion led you to believe that. You can be anywhere in your world, any state of being, and be non condemning. And if you find yourself somewhere you’d rather not be, there are many other views available to you. And you are allowed to imagine them, and live in them. Religion taught you the urge to suffer inside something out of a hunger for self punishing. In religion there is no active imagination. Because then you would be able to create worlds outside it.

Question 108

susepension of ownership -- as long as this is unclaimed space, the fight for it will keep going. I feel this fight inside me and i continue it. It is the belief that my body, my energy, and my time are still up for grabs. It is the belief that i might not know best what to do with them. This suspension of ownership allows turmoil to enter my space. It is the same on every other scale. This world is in suspension of ownership. There is a fight to claim and make use of this space. And the bodies moving in it.

Answer 108

All wars are led on because one or both parties sees profit in it. (or the party that stands outside them both, profits from both.) a war is an offering up of bodies for the acting out of violent disagreement. Suspension of ownership. Bodies that haven’t been claimed yet and are left open in offering to the fight. We’ve lived in wartime so long that we know no other way. We are living on chaos and survival. It is normal to us. Hostile conditions are normal to us. Like the child who only knows chaos and will seek it out into adulthood. This is an effort to thwart our homeostasis. This all could end, but there is profit in continuing it. It is continued through calculation but that calculation ensures that at the end of the day it is continued by us. If this fight becomes our homeostasis we will recreate it under any conditions. In trauma, a person becomes most comfortable outside their body. The body becomes unclaimed space. Something happened that made you leave it, but your absence is what makes all this function. Trauma is the driving out of the person from their body. Eviction. More than that trauma convinces you that you should not be in your body. It becomes less yours, more a place where something bad happened. You leaving allows space for bidding to occur. The body is now unclaimed space. You lose your hold on it. So when turmoil enters it, you aren’t sure you have the right to resolve it. Maybe you don’t know best what to do with this space anymore, since you allowed that first bad thing to happen to it.

Question 109

concealment of earnestness -- even our artists are infected by the disease of self effacement. they do not want you to recognize the heart behind their work. they efface it with reality.

Answer 109

this system is one insecure man doubling down over ten generations. he wants to secure his way of existing by belittling and punishing all others. His sycophants do not want to be his enemies. He tells stories to keep them in unsafety where he lives all the time. Always trying to secure his favor, in fear of his punishment.

Question 110

In male-female relationships, power and protection have to be reciprocated. These were stripped of men, which stripped women of their natural need for reciprocation. We had to be alone, we had to go into hiding. Our world had to go underground. It could not be left vulnerable. The men overhead were bombing. Trying to snuff each other out, and forgetting about safety with women. We raised ourselves into narcissism. We raised the empath. Both are the outcome of an attachment, a connection that’s been messed with. One is waiting for connection she’ll never receive. One left the house and is out bombing things. There is a tight ball of pain between men and women which they see when they look at each other. Male and female have been kept apart from each other. And we’ve searched to name every other problem but this one. When i look around i seen an elaborate deflection from it.

Answer 110

The empath does not have to force connection. Connection naturally springs from her and abides by her terms for it. She does not have to submit to someone else’s inconsistencies for connection to be promised. The empath leaves herself open hoping someone will come in and give her the desired connection this world has deprived from her. The narcissist is the filling of that opportunity.

Question 111

This reality was constructed to keep wednesdays from trance | It does not want things brought into it

Answer 111

This is not one man or even one entity but a structure that has been built and systemized to be continued and maintained by roles that are easily fillable and refillable. It is a structure that wants to exist. Every form and function in it was put in place to bolster its existence. Its existence is a well oiled and well funded machine. It creates the funding that continues it. It creates the men that continue it. It is a structure that knows itself. We manifested it, but even the men who temporarily fill its roles do not always see and understand what it is. Its roles are meant to be all consuming. The goal of it, if there is one, is to be bigger and stronger than men, to know more about functioning in the world than men. So as to ensure the continuance of its existence here. If it is better at being in the world than e are, its position will always be secured--this power dynamic is in a way the solidity and strength in the walls themselves--our perceived submission to this structure is what manifests its sturdiness. If we do not believe ourselves to be beings of innate strength, we will create something else, some other container, to hold and operate the innate strength we don’t feel ready for owning. Because we did this, the structure itself is the embodiment of what we don’t yet feel ready for owning. We created it to be self functioning, because we wanted it to be out of our hands. Some men may come in and get as much as one person can out of this structure in terms of control over resources, but even he (especially he) is submissive to the operations of this structure as the means by which he is able to obtain power or the feeling of it. We use this structure to define for ourselves ways of being, ways of obtaining, ways of knowing, and in this relationships the walls and corridors of this structure have been given the power of standardizing for all of us the demands of being here. Structure can be used for anything. It predates this reality, where there is limitless space, structure can be also. And this reality is one structure within limitless space. It was made out of collective emotion. We saw a need to build this around ourselves and act out our dynamic with it. Many structures and entities are born out of a spike in emotion that we need something to do with. We act out dynamics as part of our processing. The dynamic we believed in enough to manifest this reality has something to do with enslavement, or being dragged along. We started to view time as a dragging along. And not as space left open for manifestation. We were attracted to the idea of obligation. We wanted to know if this world demands something of us. And what punishments and rewards come out of it. I believe we saw natural laws and misused them for religion. This stucture could be one search for god. When i look into this reality i see what we still feel we deserve. We made up outcomes as punishment for what we saw in ourselves as lacking in worth. We saw ourselves through the lens of futility and from there we decided that the only worth we could hope for is optimal utility. We built this machine to make use out of us.in our idea of time, all we could do was as much as possible. Then no one could tell us it was not enough, because look how we’ve kept ourselves busy. There is something religious in staying busy. We used our life force, our propulsion, to enslave ourselves to an idea of the proper use of it. It is the punishment for receptiveness, we made ourselves conform to the opposite of our natural state of being because it was our natural state that we stopped seeing value in. in response we subjected ourselves to the closed system of processing most efficient for machinelike laboring. Everything in this reality is meant to capture what we did not see as natural to ourselves but wanted to demand of ourselves in order to make ourselves and our use of time worthy.

Question 112

This separation lies between them. they are mutually trapped in a dynamic where one traps the other, the man becomes the warden who is trapped with his prisoner. the woman becomes the prisoner doomed and thus trapped to her handler. the energy between them can be vicious or kind. enforced stockholm syndrome.

Answer 112

we spread what we think is good or bad. and we make written or unspoken laws about it. the child can heal what the adult has learned improperly. the child has not yet internalized, so he is our refresher.

Question 113

this machine holds us off from each other in favor of a different object. present outcomes traded in for future ones. if we can convince ourselves we're working to pay our way, we can convince ourselves to do anything. this object distracts us and pulls us from the worth we have in relationship. and convinces us that our worth is found elsewhere. this is the endless search for our worth, away from the present moment, where it was in the first place.

Answer 113

**find the thing i read to RRC about i am not working to pay my way**

Question 114

my worldview has to do with relationship. we need bodies. and we need to decide what to do with their winding roads in and out of each other. all of this debate is one creative predicament. all relationship is one self in the act of self creation. the artist is the art, she cannot hate herself.

Answer 114

self harm in our brain chemicals -- cortisol

Question 115

Everyone who’s here was taught to be in this reality properly. Simply to be in accordance with it and transact with it. But when are we taught to learn our own reality? And actualize it? Living here we are taught assimilation and reform. Live inside what is already built here, think inside what has been built here, and improve its efficiency. Improve yourself to better support its efficiency. I do not see us showing each other how to work with empty space. I see us holding ourselves to the structure already built here and trying to see how to make ourselves better workers for it. I see power and success as the degree to which you are able to shape yourself to the structure that is already here. Creativity is not profitable here unless you are using it to satiate civil unrest. Or sell each other something. What reaches outside these walls is swiftly defunded. It lives on in the outer darkness this structure banished it to.

Answer 115

The earth leaves things here for the taking to see on what level of thought we choose to interact with them. That is the thing about being human. We can exist here so many different ways. From all angles. It’s overwhelming. Which leads us to look around and want to copy each other. Or set a standard, calling one angle right and the others wrong and implausible. We are in a time when one story has been made true and the other ones fictional. With one standard story we lack self belief. We are not used to relying on the self as the storyteller. In our current reality, the storyteller is the structure itself. The structure that defines the story but does not in reality tell it. Because we have worked up this belief in structure we are blind to the eye that sees into space and gives rise to structure by intentionally summoning it. Living without knowledge of this eye we hold onto this structure for dear life. It is the only god we know from behind these walls. But we imagined this and only then lived inside it.

Question 116

If we had no oppressor, what would we be? We look away from that story. We are like the writer who is afraid to sit down and write.

Answer 116

We set this trap for ourselves and came back to watch it go off

Question 117

Your self is not limited by this reality. You do not have to fit into this tight space. We are anxious because this reality does not make room for us and rejects many new things brought into it. We’re anxious because we have to exist as if we did not know things are wrong here. The reality of things as they are feels stiff and rigid and like we have to live up to it. But it isn’t doctrine if you have other truth you are ready to bring into it. You can bring yourself into any space if you know the self that exists in all spaces. Theres no opposition between them if you do not accept that perceived opposition. Others may perceive you to be counter to their reality, but your belief that you are not in opposition with things can often obliterate any opposition a person or institution tries to throw your way. People believe in opposition when their reality appears to validate it. That is what you can obliterate. I’m starting to believe people are not stupid, they only need to be given permission. We inherited this world -- meaning we inherited a whole network of perceptions and relationships. More than just questioning and reworking some of those relationships, we need to rework our relationship with world as a whole. The reality of things as they are is not doctrine. And i think the push to make it so has deep roots in misogyny. When you make only one reality valid and believable, you're better able to control everyone who lives in it. And when you make their survival dependent on their ability to assimilate to that reality, you have their mind and their body in a world you can manipulate.

Answer 117

All rigidness is a religion. We believe in it. We find leaders for it. We think we deserve it. And worst of all we mistake it for stability

Question 118

Liberation to me does not mean changing the system. It means changing the eye whose gaze holds it suspended. It means changing the way the system is inherited by those after us. Will they be taught creation’s laws, or will they accept this world as law itself and not the outcome of intention manifesting. We are learning that things can be recreated. Not just rearranged. Not just rebranded under a new name or leader. This reality was made by exertion. Is maintained through exertion. It is breaking its back. When the gaze is not liberated the object of it is bound by the same restraints.

Answer 118

Fighting will only keep us here. In this reality. Rest to imagine new worlds. Learn new laws. Then start building by them.

Question 119

I cleared way for this. I am on another level now that I have dug my way through the walls reality built for me. I was in reality but now I am in the one I am creating. Outside of reality there is empty space waiting to be developed into the dimension of reality. We have to learn our way out of the prebuilt one so we can learn how it is built. And then build one ourselves.

Answer 119

We can’t pull away anymore. I can’t pull away anymore. I move in this world as one of its elements. And even when I think I am pulling away from it, I am still very much here. What i decide is how much trust I have in it. Do I trust myself to live here. Or do I rely on a made up framework of behavior in order to feel a more stringent but certain sense of belonging.

Question 120

Religion makes itself needed by understanding our needs and filling them while inserting its aims into them. Understand what you need and fill it without reliance upon those who have built a system to feed you only halfway. Some people who say they want to help you actually just want you to depend on them for help.

Answer 120

This machine runs on addiction | Machines by their nature make us reliant on them

Question 121

The tension we feel is the conscious mind running on ______ for centuries without release. everything is divided into two things: life and the stopping up of life. we come up against a wall when we've stopped up too much (pressure fucks up the system) and then have to release it. we act out in our own personal/private worlds the same things that are unsustainable in the outside. we believe reality is bigger and stronger than us & so we separate ourselves from it, isolating in our own grappling with the pain this story creates

Answer 121

it's not one man but one structure kept in place by many (or keeping itself in place). a CEO is simply the one who could lose himself most to this structure, and become the agent of it. the more fully you lose yourself the more you are rewarded. and kept dependent on your reward. this system of power is a test of what you will trade for its security and how well you will be able to ignore in your edifice of power all those who have never seen a glimpse of it.

Question 122

You can command your own experience. You can do it calmly like a child arranging his toys.

Answer 122

This reality works by creating a fight where there isn't one. It jeopardizes your safety just so the fight for it feels real.

Question 123

susepension of ownership -- as long as this is unclaimed space, the fight for it will keep going. I feel this fight inside me and i continue it. It is the belief that my body, my energy, and my time are still up for grabs. It is the belief that i might not know best what to do with them. This suspension of ownership allows turmoil to enter my space. It is the same on every other scale. This world is in suspension of ownership. There is a fight to claim and make use of this space. And the bodies moving in it.

Answer 123

concealment of earnestness -- even our artists are infected by the disease of self effacement. they do not want you to recognize the heart behind their work. they efface it with reality.

Question 124

When many men say “providing for my family” they mean “managing my property.” their worth is defined by their management of property. A woman is overdeveloped land. Everything i see in the world is about land and the ownership of land. Monopoly on land. Hyperstructure of land. Colonization in everything. Many men are on their best behavior when they are in threat of losing their women and children, which they view as their property. They equate their worth with their property. When their woman threatens to leave, they see loss of their own worth, their own assets which give them worth. Only then do they fight to regain the relationship. Respect does not play a factor here.

Answer 124

Men created rampant protectionism but lost what it is they were protecting

Question 125

Here is what I learned about us. Here is the wound. We wanted right or wrong like a child wants reward and the idea of punishment to back it. We wanted a reality that would mete out these divisions. We wanted a father figure to do it. This is the age of the disciplinarian. And the children who hate and fear him but still fight each other for his reward. He created reason, he created good behavior, and we religiously corrected ourselves to it. It was a way for us to look at ourselves and each other. This is a search for what in us is allowed. We could search forever. The point is that in our search for the answer we shut off the mechanism in us that searches. We ruled it out as bad. Now we’re caught in a search where the disciplinarian is the only one we trust. His condemnation. How long will we still be hungry for it. Even when we condemn ourselves to death we still will not have proved our unworthiness.

Answer 125

I saw a guy running barefoot. Even from far away I could tell he was barefoot. He ran so differently from people with shoes on. I don’t think it has to do with the shoe but the knowledge of wearing it.

Question 126

Dying is not useful to this machine. If I have to say one thing let that be it.

Answer 126

*****the thing Foucault wrote at the beginning of the madness book***

Question 127

Channel emotion into intuition. One grows into another. You can experience the same thing by layers.

Answer 127

Artist is pathfinder. I’m trying to come at my joy from every angle. Artist is the extent to which she can release herself. We fling ourselves at god. The open sea. Artist dances seeing how far she can release herself to the air she dances in. The spirit learning it can do anything with the body. An artist promises. I will throw my expression into empty space. Earth learned her orbit before keeping it. She flung herself into it. Her own experience of time. She gained it by wanting it. The sun gave her magnetism. The sounding board for her own heat.

Question 128

Note to self. All i need to do is make sure that every moment I’m constraining, I’m releasing. Writing is the practice of this. ^undoing/working with religious constraint--write abt. how it can be a creative thing

Answer 128

A creator is one learning to feed herself.

Question 129

This is the bible as written by the earth. The shunned perspective. I write to unshun myself. I teach myself to listen to myself. I write a prayer to believe in her. I have heard her singing, I have had moments of total belief. I write to make her unshakeable. These are the walls and the columns. I want her breathing through them. Whistling. You will hear me. Mark these imperfect words. The walls slant. Their risk of falling makes them unforgettable.

Answer 129

A woman is the option to leave her body or fill it.