Rehearsed Answers

Question 1

IYA:…I would hold my breath in for as long as I could. One time I held it in for two whole minutes, she nearly lost her mind, thought I was actually dead.

Answer 1

PERLAH: What stopped you? You should have held it in longer. Grab my glasses, will you? Let’s get started.

Question 2

IYA; Would you be more disappointed in your daughter if she refused to go to school or if she dropped dead?

Answer 2

PERLAH: Why would you ask such a thing? Nothing would upset me more than Jasmine squandering her opportunities. Of course I’d rather she’d croaked. (hahaha) Oh Iya can you believe it? Eight years together with these assholes and it all culminates to this. How much do you think he sold it for? (grab diaper) Eh who gives a shit, as long as Reynaldo pays me what he owes me. He should give me an end of the business relationship bonus for being the backbone and pulse of this club. I’ve made that wanker so much money.

Question 3

IYA: I’m surprised he didn’t try to sell it to you.

Answer 3

PERLAH: I wouldn’t have wanted it anyway. I’m an entertainer, a performer. Not a club owner or manager and besides, if I had to work with this spawn simon on payroll or any of that home office bullshit I would throw myself in a volcano. Where is that damn riding crop?

Question 4

IYA: That’s not mine.

Answer 4

PERLAH: I should hope not. But it might work for the bit. Wanna find out?

Question 5

IYA: I’m afraid not.
knock at the door

Answer 5

PERLAH: Go away.

Question 6

SIMON: It’s me Simon.

Answer 6

PERLAH: I can’t help you with that.

Question 7

SIMON: Hi Iya.
IYA: Hi.

Answer 7

PERLAH: I’m just lovely Simon. Refreshed and rejuvenated. I feel like I could swim the Congo River.

Question 8

SIMON: That’s great news!

Answer 8

PERLAH: I feel like absolute shit.

Question 9

SIMON: Ah, I see, can I get you anything?

Answer 9

PERLAH: Do you have a riding crop? Nevermind, But yes a few things: number 1 my check from your dad, #2 a vodka soda, and make sure Erwin use fresh limes, none of that pre squeezed nonsense, I know hes new but he needs to learn how to use a knife.

Question 10

IYA: Erwin’s afraid of knives?
SIMON: YES
IYA: Which one?

Answer 10

PERLAH: Number 3: my check from your dad

Question 11

SIMON: You already said that.
IYA: I guess it wouldn’t matter.

Answer 11

PERLAH: I’m just making sure you’re paying attention.

Question 12

SIMON: Why are we talking about Erwin, you said this is about my father.

Answer 12

PERLAH: Iya, are you on drugs?

Question 13

IYA: No, I’m asking does Erwin not use the real thing because he’s lazy or does he just not like knives?

Answer 13

PERLAH: What that man does in his own time is his business not ours.

Question 14

SIMON: She sounds like she needs a drink too.

Answer 14

PERLAH: Don’t get any ideas. She’s not into you.

Question 15

SIMON: Wow! You assume a lot about me.

Answer 15

PERLAH: Frankly the worst. But I’ve known you and your father for almost a decade and in that time I’ve seen more women come out of this dressing room than you can actually count to.

Question 16

IYA: …..the guy dressed up like a cat – got stuck in a tree.

Answer 16

PERLAH: My point is, you and Reynaldo owe me…

Question 17

SIMON: Oh you’re using his name, that feels weird.

Answer 17

PERLAH: Yow owe me money Ruse Jr. So if you can splurge on your women, and your roulettes and your giraffes, you can afford to pay the person that has singlehandedly kept the lights on in this place and will continue to do just that even after the transaction.

Question 18

SIMON: If you feel like it.

Answer 18

PERLAH: That was a very impassioned speech Simon,

Question 19

SIMON: …Really pumps me full of self confidence and intent, really gets going.

Answer 19

PERLAH: Thats nice. Well I think you should be going to run that list of errands I gave to you.

Question 20

IYA: Bye Simon.

Answer 20

PERLAH: That poor bastard.

Question 21

IYA: He’s gonna need be so heartbroken when he finds out.

Answer 21

PERLAH: He might need a shoulder to cry on.

Question 22

IYA: What are you getting at?

Answer 22

PERLAH: Oh stop with the I dont know what youre talking about drama. I’m not blind. You and Simon clearly enjoy each others presence. Hi Iya Bye Iya. I see the way your cheeks turn red and I know its not because youre flushed from drinking and forgot to take an antacid.

Question 23

IYA: I haven’t drank in 14 months.

Answer 23

PERLAH: I know and I’m proud of you, but to my point, Simon likes you and I think its cute,

Question 24

IYA: He is nice to me, which is such a low standard.

Answer 24

PERLAH: He better be. Before I beat his ass. With this to be exact! Alright lets get started, what are we running again?

Question 25

IYA: The joke about the shopping cart.

Answer 25

PERLAH: Right. Okay. So this guy was fucking me one night. Doggy style, you know what that is? He was behind me drilling my head into the headboard. I almost burst through my daughters room like the koolaid man OHHH YEAH. And I don't know about you but I cant stand the sound of sex I can't. The grunting the sighing the slapping the oohs and ahhs him repeating his credit card number back to me. My God I cant do it. So I like to turn on the television. My favorite show is the Gold =en Girls and it just so happened to be on this night. I could tell without even seeing the television that it was the episode where the girls go away for a murder mystery weekend. It's my favorite episode. There are only a few things that take priority over having my back blown out by a complete stranger. Number one is my child being on fire and number two is watching this episode. So I slowly start to pivot my body around so I can face the television. Luckily he had one of these with him. You know when you go grocery shopping and your cruisng down the ailse looking for condesned milk or i dont fucking know and then it dawns on you that you passed it? So you gotta swing your shopping cart around and go the other direction? That was me I was like....... well? God dammit lwts try it again