The Body

Question 1

Thaddeus walks over, start of play

Answer 1

How’s it going?

Question 2

SHHHH!

Answer 2

What . . . what’s wrong?

Question 3

Nothing’s wrong. What could possibly be wrong? Did somebody say something was wrong?

Answer 3

No. I just took an educated guess. Are you ok?

Question 4

No, something’s wrong.

Answer 4

What?

Question 5

We . . . is anyone else here?

Answer 5

Do you see anyone? (gesture around)

Question 6

No.

Answer 6

Then by deductive reasoning, I’d say we’re alone. What’s the matter with you?

Question 7

I’m having a slight problem with the interrogation.

Answer 7

I knew it! (bang fist) Is that little weasel refusing to talk?

Question 8

Well, yes and no.

Answer 8

What do you mean “yes and no”? Did he talk or not?

Question 9

Well, I got him to confess, told him that if he testified against Gianelli we’d cut him a deal, he agreed, then . . .

Answer 9

Did he sign the confession?

Question 10

Yes and no.

Answer 10

Again with yes and no? Did he sign it or not?! (grab confession) He only signed his first name.

Question 11

I know that.

Answer 11

He didn’t sign his last name.

Question 12

I know that too.

Answer 12

Why didn’t he sign his last name?

Question 13

He can’t.

Answer 13

He can’t or he won’t?

Question 14

He can’t.

Answer 14

He can’t? (disbelief)

Question 15

He can’t!

Answer 15

Why not?

Question 16

He’s dead.

Answer 16

What do you mean, “he’s dead”?

Question 17

I mean, he’s dead.

Answer 17

What do you mean, “he’s dead”?! (stand up)

Question 18

I MEAN HE’S DEAD! He stopped breathing. He ceased to exist. (I sit back down)

Answer 18

(pinch nose bridge) Please tell me you’re making this up.

Question 19

I wish I was.

Answer 19

I can’t believe you killed our witness!

Question 20

I didn’t kill him! He just died.

Answer 20

No on “just dies”. (air quotes)

Question 21

Well, he did.

Answer 21

What happened?

Question 22

I’m not sure. We were talking, he agreed to everything . . . oh, then he asked me for a glass of water and I told him as soon as the confession was signed. He took the paper, started to sign it, grabbed his chest and bam! Keeled over. (pause) Maybe I should’ve given him the water first.

Answer 22

I really don’t think that would have made a whole lot of difference. (pause) This is bad, real bad.

Question 23

You figure that out all by yourself?

Answer 23

Hey, I wouldn’t be the smart-aleck if I were you, considering the fact that you’re the one who killed him!

Question 24

I DIDN’T KILL HIM!

Answer 24

Whatever. The point is, he’s dead. Ok, does anyone else know about this yet?

Question 25

No.

Answer 25

Good! Let's try and keep it that way.

Question 26

Don't you think someone might get a little suspicious after a week or two. I mean with the smell and everything . . .

Answer 26

Just until we can figure out what to do. (pause) The problem is no one, no let me rephrase that, no news person is going to believe that this wanted criminal just happened to die while in our custody. Not after all the statements we've made about how much we hate these guys. The department's going to look real bad.

Question 27

Never mind the department, what about us? (phone rings) Oh, you don't think it's the captain, do you?

Answer 27

No. Our luck couldn't be that bad. (pick up phone) Dawson. (pause) Hi, Captain. (cover mouthpiece) Yes, it could. (uncover) What can I do for you, Captain? (pause) It's going as well as can be expected. (pause) Problems? I wouldn't say there are any real problems. (pause) NO! I don't think it would be a good idea to send in anyone else. (pause) Why not? It would, uh . . . (signal to Thaddeus for help)

Question 28

Uh . . . make him nervous.

Answer 28

Yeah, it would make him nervous.

Question 29

He's used to just us.

Answer 29

Yeah, he's used to just us. (pause) Oh, that's Crawford. He's watching the prisoner. He just came out to get him a . . . pick-me-up. See, the prisoner's a little . . .

Question 30

Dead.

Answer 30

Dead . . . tired! (hit Thaddeus) Dead tired. (pause) Yes, sir. We'll have that confession any minute now. We're . . . just hammering out the last few details. (pause) Ok, I'll call you the minute we have it. (hang up phone and put head in hands) We're in trouble. (pause) Let me see that confession again. (grab confession) Ok, as I see it, all we have to do is get him to finish signing this. (gesture to confession)

Question 31

Is that all? What do you suggest? A seance, or should we wait until he's reincarnated and have him sign it then? That's assuming he doesn't come back as a cow or something.

Answer 31

Just pay attention. He already signed his first name, all we have to do is sign his last. Simple.

Question 32

That's forgery. It's a crime.

Answer 32

Why? We'd only be signing his last name.

Question 33

So we'd only be committing a half crime. Great. That's so much better.

Answer 33

You want these guys to walk?

Question 34

No.

Answer 34

We're not making anything up. We need this and Martelli was signing it. We're really not doing anything wrong.

Question 35

Then you sign it.

Answer 35

Forget it! That's forgery!

Question 36

We're getting fired.

Answer 36

No, wait! I just had a thought. Is he still holding the pen?

Question 37

I think so.

Answer 37

Great. Sit down. (Get up and grab folder, open it on desk) Look, here's Martelli's signature. He wrote his name with an M and a squiggle. (demonstrate) Just take his hand with the pen and have him make the M and squiggle. Then we wouldn't be lying when we say he wrote it with his own hand. See, all legal. (snap folder shut)

Question 38

You're really stretching with this one.

Answer 38

Our only other choice is to tell the Captain that we blew a two-year investigation and that our star witness is dead.

Question 39

Not a good alternative.

Answer 39

No, it's not. When you're done, we'll take the confession to the Captain, suggest he talk to Martelli himself, we'll all go in there and "discover" him. (air quotes)

Question 40

Won't the department still be in trouble?

Answer 40

Possibly, but we won't be.

Question 41

Good point. (pause) Ok, give me the folder. (I give Thaddeus the folder, he starts to leave, I sit down) I should've been an accountant. (he exits)

Answer 41

God I hate police work. (sigh and lean back)