Close relationships II- maintaining relationships

Question 1

Responsiveness:
- what is it?
- 3 things?
- often measures as?

Answer 1

• Attentive and supportive recognition of one person’s needs and interests by another
• Perceived partner responsiveness
  — Feeling understood
  — Feeling valued, respected, and validated
  — Feeling cared for
• Often measures as people’s own perceptions of their partner’s responsiveness towards them.

Question 2

Benefits of responsiveness
(2 outcomes)

Answer 2

• Personal outcomes (e.g., health, wellbeing, non-defensiveness, intellectual openness)
• Relationship outcomes (e.g., satisfaction, closeness, trust, commitment, prosocial orientation)
• One of the strongest predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal studies (Joel et al., 2020)

Question 3

Predictors of Perceived Responsiveness

Answer 3

Perceived responsiveness may not be accurate
Where do perceptions stem from?

• Remember Epley (2008): “ego-centric simulations”- we assume that other people are thinking, feeling, viewing the world in the way we would but actually this might not be the case (aka “projection”). Projecting our own beliefs, attitudes, intentions onto other people.
• Attachment orientation (anxious: hypervigilant to signs of rejection) (Collins & Feeney, 2004)

Question 4

Responsive Acts in Daily Life: Sacrifices
Examples

Answer 4

• People may sacrifice by doing extra chores around the house because their partner needs to meet a work deadline..
• Or agree to spend time with a partner’s friends when you had wanted to see your own friends,
• Or maybe support the partner’s wish to go on an adventurous camping trip when you really preferred to just relax at an all-inclusive resort.

Question 5

Visserman et al., 2019 looking at when one partner decides to sacrifice for the other, do people actually perceive that their partner gave up something important for them?
(explain study + results)

Answer 5

In two diary studies, I followed couples for a few weeks, and each day at the end of the day, I asked both partners separately…
- “Did you make a sacrifice today?”
- “Did your partner make a sacrifice today?”
(so I could compare partners’ independent reports about what happened in their relationship that day.)

• Only 50% of sacrifices were detected!
• But also “false alarms”
  (In other words, we tend miss many of our partner’s sacrifices.)

Question 6

Sacrifices:
- what does seeing partners sacrifices boost?
- what do missed sacrifices cause?
- what does this lead to?

Answer 6

1- Seeing partner’s sacrifices boosts gratitude

2- Missed sacrifices leave partner feeling under appreciated after they sacrificed. They are missed opportunities to feel grateful towards a partner, which can also make the partner who sacrificed feel bad, because they may also not feel appreciated for the sacrifice they made.

3- Both partners less satisfied

Question 7

Impact of gratitude:
1- what does feeling grateful benefit?
2- benefits what?
3- what does feeling appreciated by partner buffer?
4- BUT…

Answer 7

1- Feeling grateful benefits people’s health and happiness (Wood et al., 2010)
2- Benefits the quality and longevity of relationships (Algoe et al., 2010; Gordon et al., 2012)
3- Feeling appreciated by partner buffers insecurely attached individuals’ relationship satisfaction and commitment (Park et al. 2019)
4- BUT as the findings on sacrifice detection showed: we may miss out on these benefits because missing partner’s responsive acts that would have elicited gratitude and feeling appreciated by them. So this example not only illustrated the inaccuracy with which people perceive a partner’s responsiveness but also the implications this may have!

Question 8

When do conflicts arise?

Answer 8

Conflicts arise when partners’ motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behaviour interfere with those of another.

(But of course given that we are coordinating our lives and goals with another person there are times when these goals will conflict. What one partner wants will not jive with what another partner wants.)

Question 9

Conflict Frequency

Answer 9

Conflict is inevitable in relationships

Dating couples
2.3 conflicts per week

Married couples
“Memorable differences of opinion”:
~3 to 4 per week
“Unpleasant disagreements”:
~1 to 2 per month

Question 10

Conflict
what matters?

Answer 10

It is not whether couples experience conflict, but how they approach conflict that matters

”A big conflict might lead to a big problem getting fixed” (Baker & McNulty, 2020)

(fighting with partner= believe relationship will be worthwhile in the long run)

Question 11

Conflict
What does John Gottman talk about?

Answer 11

He has mapped out some of the most negative patterns of conflict. In other words, these should be avoided.

In terms of conflict patterns he talks about 4 negative approaches to conflict that can be detrimental to relationships. He calls these strategies the four horseman of the apocalypse.

Question 12

What are the four horseman of the apocalypse?

Answer 12

• criticism
• contempt
• defensivness
• stonewalling

Question 13

Explain Criticism as a horseman of the apocalypse

Answer 13

Attacking personality or character rather than airing disagreements by focusing on specific behaviour

“I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You are so irresponsible!”
Vs.
“I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash.”

Question 14

Explain Contempt as a horseman of the apocalypse

Answer 14

One step up from criticism – involves tearing down or being insulting towards partner

Disrespect and disgust, acting superior

e.g., rolling eyes, sneering, or using sarcastic put-downs

“You are so stupid, you wouldn’t know the answer if it walked up and hit you in the face.”

Question 15

Explain Defensiveness as a horseman of the apocalypse

Answer 15

Denying responsibility, making excuses, or cross-complaining

Natural response to ‘attack,’ but engenders feelings of tension and prevents partners from hearing each other

“I did not cheat on you, we were on a break! And you were the one who left me in the first place!”

Question 16

Explaining Stonewalling as a horseman of the apocalypse

Answer 16

Refusal to respond – this is a withdrawal from the conflict, the relationship, and from the partner

e.g., ignoring the partner, leaving the room, picking up book, turning on computer etc.

Question 17

Conflict patterns
1- what are these conflict patterns? (+ examples)
2- whats missing here?
3- benefit of conflicts

Answer 17

1- These hostile conflict patterns are quite common & associated with relationship dissatisfaction
(Busby & Holman, 2009 – 2,000 couples: 24% reported hostile patterns)
(Li et al., 2019 – same patterns and associations with dissatisfaction in China)

2- What’s missing here? Responsiveness! These conflict patterns all lack or are the outright opposite of partners being responsive to each other.

3- When couples have conflicts they are much better off when they respond to each other with…
- Empathy, respect, understanding, validation
- Being collaborators vs. antagonists

(Remember that one partner’s responsiveness may help the other partner being less defensive? This is a time when this comes in very handy!)

Question 18

What are transgressions?

Answer 18

Hurtful actions by others we trusted and whom we did not expect to misbehave (e.g., infidelity, lying, breaking promises)

resolutions:
1- relationship has to end
2- forgiveness and repair
3- middle ground- stay in relationship but trust lost

Question 19

Forgiveness

Answer 19

Forgoing motivation to retaliate and work towards reconciliation with offender

• Helps to repair relationship
• Promotes victims personal well-being

Question 20

Factors that Benefits Constructive Conflict & Forgiveness

Answer 20

Commitment: Motivation to act constructively

Self-control: Ability to act constructively
broadly refers to: ”The ability to regulate one’s thoughts, motivations, and behaviours in a goal-directed manner“ (e.g., Baumeister, Heatherton, & Tice, 1994)

Question 21

What do Commitment & Self-control each predict?

Answer 21

• Accommodation: inhibit destructive impulses, respond constructively when partner behaves negatively (Finkel & Campbell, 2001; Rusbult et al., 2001)
  E.g., tolerating bad moods, pointless criticism..
  “Stay cool” instead of “fighting fire with fire”)
• Staying faithful: resist attractive alternative partners (Pronk et al., 2011)
• Forgiveness: inhibit impulse to ruminate about offense (Burnette et al., 2014; Karremans et al., 2003)

Best case scenario when high commitment + self-control (Van der Wal et al., 2014)

Question 22

Novelty and growth:
What happens in new relationships?

Answer 22

In new relationships, people rapidly expand their sense of self through new experiences with their partner (“self-expansion”)
That is, we are quickly learning new things about our romantic partner which is, in turn, making us learn more about OURSELVES and the world that we live in.

Question 23

• But… what happens as relationships progress?
• what do we tend to do?
• therefore, what do we need to do?

Answer 23

• as relationships progress, we have fewer and fewer opportunities to self-expand
• we tend to get into routines, fewer novel and exciting activities.
• we need to engage in activities that enable us to KEEP expanding our sense of self (in the company of this person who is no longer novel).

Question 24

Measure of self-expansion
- what did Dr Muise and colleagues do?

Answer 24

Dr Muise and colleagues surveyed couples every day for several weeks and each day at the end of the day they asked participants how self-expanding their relationship was that day, with questions like: “How much did being with your partner expand your sense of the kind of person you are?”, “How much did being with your partner result in you having new experiences?”.
If they indicated any level of self-expansion, they then asked them to describe the self-expanding experience in their own words.

Question 25

Dr Muise and colleagues
List some of the activities that couples found self expanding

Answer 25

“We went on a road trip today and sang a lot.”

“I took [my partner] to an oyster farm which she never been to, we shucked the oysters for the very first time.”

“We took a ballroom dance class.”

“Played beer pong”

“She taught me how to make a cherry pie.”

“We had a super intense disagreement and then turned it around. It was a huge opportunity for growth.”

These examples suggest that we don’t need to go into a rollercoaster every weekend to get that “thrill”, even small changes to our routines will do.

Question 26

Proust quote

Answer 26

“The real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.”

Question 27

What did Le et al. (2010) do and what were the 4 powerful predictors they used?

Answer 27

A meta-analysis of 137 longitudinal studies of dating and married couples (+37,700 participants). They analysed many studies that had tracked couples over many years to predict couples’ break-ups and divorces based on what they had reported about their relationship.

4 powerful predictors:
- Commitment
- Closeness
- Network support
- Insecure attachment styles

Question 28

When people were directly asked what had caused their divorce (after they had already separated), what did they report? (Amato & Previti, 2003)

Answer 28

• 22% Infidelity
• 19% Incompatible
• 11% Drinking/substance abuse
• 10% Grew apart
• 9% Personality problems
• 9% Communication difficulties
• 6% Physical or mental abuse
• 4% Love was lost (one of the least likely causes)
• 3% Don’t know

So these can all feed into lower satisfaction, making alternatives more attractive, and outweighing investments. In other words, these may feed into people’s commitment. Some of these could also be related to people’s attachment insecurities such as difficulty communicating.

Note that “love was lost” was a very infrequent reported reason. It’s unclear if this is because of a lack of introspective accuracy or if it’s simply true that just the fact that passionate love declines over time is not enough reason to divorce, as typically passionate love makes way for a deeper and comfortable love.

Question 29

Predictors of divorce in couples’ larger context

Answer 29

• Socioeconomic status (income, education) - people with higher incomes and educations are less likely to divorce
• Race, when facing other adversities - those from ethnic minorities face discrimination and adversities are more at risk of divorce
• Divorce laws (“no-fault legislation”) - no fault divorces increases the rate of divorce
• Working women - at a societal level, divorce rates increase the more that women enter the workforce (remember investments & alternatives?)
• Expensive wedding (Francis-Tan & Mialon, 2015)- the more money spent on engagement ring and wedding, the shorter marriage tends to be
• Age at marriage (under 25 higher odds of getting divorced later) – life experience important?
• Parental divorce
• Stressful life events, trauma

Question 30

Adjusting after break-up/ divorce

Answer 30

The hurt of separation
- May feel like physical pain
- Duration may depend on attachment
- Detaching takes time
- Redefine self-concept

Question 31

Adjusting after break-up/ divorce:
How long? + explain

Answer 31

Average of ~6 months (Vonk, 2013)

• In any case, typically shorter than people forecast: durability bias. People overestimate how much time they need to process negative events, such as a break-up (Gilbert et al., 1998).
• Discount other experiences that will follow a breakup (e.g., see partner more negatively, gain positive experiences)

Question 32

Singlehood

Answer 32

Singlehood is increasingly common and may not only occur after break-up but may also very well be a personal choice.

Question 33

Wellbeing in Singlehood

Answer 33

Wellbeing as single based on for example:
- Wanting to be single
- Having high-quality friendships
- Perceived social support
- Societal influences:
—Endorsement of marriage and family ideology
—Stigma and discrimination (“singlism”)
—Traditional norms about gender and parenthood

Question 34

Remember quantity, quality, diversity?

Answer 34

How can people feel sufficiently connected to others to have their need to belong met?
Remember: being married or not, living alone or together, didn’t matter much for people’s survival, it’s how socially connected people feel! Which they can achieve in their own ways
Having high-quality relationships in other close ties
Diverse relationships: when in romantic relationship this may be harder to achieve, since often more time spent with one person (esp when raising a family). When single, it may be easier to have a larger and perhaps more diverse network