3. F&O Olive tells F off

Question 1

Olive
What is that, a Cole Porter song?
Florence
That’s it. I’m finished. Now you’ve been told off. How do you like that? (crosses away)

Answer 1

Olive
Good. Because now I’m going to tell you off…(FLORENCE rushes, sits in chair, crosses legs calmly) For eight months I’ve lived all alone in this apartment. I thought I was miserable. I thought I was lonely. I took you in here because I thought we could help each other…And after 3 weeks of close, personal contact, I have hives, shingles and the heartbreak of psoriasis…I am growing old at twice the speed of sound…I have 7 new liver spots on my hand that look like the Big Dipper… I can’t take any more, Florence…Do me a favor and move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle and your meat thermometer…I’m going inside to lie down now….My teeth are coming loose and I’m afraid if I drop them in here, you’ll get out your vacuum cleaner again. (She goes off, a wreck.)

Question 2

Florence
(waits, then -) Walk on the papers, will you? I just washed the floors in there. (OLIVE comes back out, seething, a maniacal look in her eyes, bent on murder. She comes after FLORENCE.) Keep away from me. I’m warning you, don’t you touch me.

Answer 2

Olive
In the kitchen! I want to get your head in the oven and cook it like a capon.

Question 3

Florence
You’re going to find yourself in one sweet lawsuit, Olive.

Answer 3

Olive
It’s no use running, Florence. There’s only six rooms and I know all the shortcuts.

(OLIVE chases FLORENCE, who runs into the bathroom and closes the door. OLIVE chases but instead of going into the bathroom, she goes back into the bedroom. The stage is empty for a moment. Then FLORENCE screams as OLIVE has apparently entered the bathroom through the other door. FLORENCE runs out into the living room.)

Question 4

Florence
Is this how you settle your problems, Olive? Like an animal (grabs her pocketbook, takes out an object and points it at her) Stand back! That’s tear gas. You lay one finger on me and you’ll be using eyedrops the rest of your life.

Answer 4

Olive
You want to see how I settle them. (She runs into FLORENCE’S bedroom. FLORENCE takes a siren out of her pocketbook.)

Question 5

Florence
(calling out) Alright. I warned you. I’m turning on my siren (She presses switch but it doesn’t scream. She holds it to her ear and listens.) What’s wrong with this? Have you been playing with my siren?(She bangs it on table three or four times in despair.) Goddam it! Twenty-two fifty for a piece of Japanese shit! (OLIVE comes out of FLORENCE’s room with an empty suitcase. She throws it on the table.)

Answer 5

Olive
I’ll show you how I settle them! (opens up suitcase, stands back)
There! That’s how I settle them.

Question 6

Florence
(confused, looks at suitcase) Where are you going?

Answer 6

Olive
(apoplectic) Not me, you idiot! You!! You’re the one who’s going. I’ll fix your siren so it can whistle for a cab.

Question 7

Florence
What are you talking about?

Answer 7

Olive
The marriage is over, Florence. We’re getting an annulment. I don’t want to live with you anymore. I want you to pack your things, tie it up with your Saran Wrap and get out of here.

Question 8

Florence
You mean actually move out?

Answer 8

Olive
(heads for kitchen) Actually, physically and immediately. (She gets pots and pans in the kitchen. She comes out with the utensils, drops them in the bag and slams the bag closed.) There! You’re all packed.

Question 9

Florence
You know, I’ve got a good mind to really leave.

Answer 9

Olive
(looks up to heaven) Why doesn’t she hear me? I know I’m talking, I recognize my voice.

Question 10

Florence
In other words, you’re throwing me out.

Answer 10

Olive
Not in other words. Those are the perfect ones
(hands suitcase to FLORENCE, who doesn’t take it)

Question 11

Florence
Alright. I just wanted to get the record straight. Let it be on your conscience. (She goes into her bedroom.)

Answer 11

Olive
Let what be on my conscience?