burns quiz

Question 1

what are the two factors of good communication?

Answer 1

express feelings openly and directly
encourage others to express their feelings openly

Question 2

what are two factors of bad communication?

Answer 2

refusal to share feelings openly or to listen to what the other person is saying
denying own feelings and acting them out indirectly

Question 3

what is truth? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 3

insisting you are right and the other person is wrong

Question 4

what is blame? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 4

say the problem is the other person’s fault

Question 5

what is martyrdom? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 5

claim you’re an innocent victim

Question 6

what is a put-down? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 6

implying the other person is a loser because they “always” or “never” do certain things

Question 7

what is hopelessness? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 7

give up and insist there’s no point in trying

Question 8

what is demandingness? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 8

saying you’re entitled to better treatment but refuse to ask for what you want in a direct, straightforward way

Question 9

what is denial? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 9

insisting you don’t feel angry, hurt, or sad when you do

Question 10

what is passive aggression? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 10

pout or withdraw or say nothing, may storm out or slam doors

Question 11

what is self-blame? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 11

instead of dealing with the problem, act as if you’re an awful, terrible person

Question 12

what is helping? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 12

instead of hearing how the other person feels, you try to “solve the problem” or “help” them

Question 13

what is sarcasm? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 13

words or tone of voice conveying tension or hostility which you aren’t openly acknowledging

Question 14

what is scapegoating? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 14

suggesting the other person “has a problem” and you’re sane, happy, and uninvolved in the conflict

Question 15

what is defensiveness? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 15

refusing to admit any wrongdoing or imperfection

Question 16

what is a counterattack? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 16

instead of acknowledging how the other person feels, you respond to their criticism by criticizing them

Question 17

what is diversion? (characteristic of bad communication)

Answer 17

instead of dealing with how you both feel in the here and now, you list grievances about past injustices

Question 18

what are the five secrets of effective communication?

Answer 18

listening skills
- disarming technique
-empathy
-inquiry

self-expression skills
-“i feel” statements
-stroking

Question 19

what is the disarming technique?

Answer 19

find some truth in what the other person is saying, even id you feel convinced what they’re saying is totally wrong

Question 20

what is empathy?

Answer 20

putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and trying to see the world through their eyes

Question 21

what is thought empathy?

Answer 21

paraphrasing the other person’s words

Question 22

what is feeling empathy?

Answer 22

acknowledging how a person is probably feeling, given what they are saying to you

Question 23

what is inquiry?

Answer 23

asking gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the other person is thinking or feeling

Question 24

what is an “i feel” statement?

Answer 24

expressing your feelings using statements that start with “i feel” statements rather than with “you” statements
“you’re wrong” “you’re making me furious”

Question 25

what is stroking?

Answer 25

finding something genuinely positive about the other person, even in the heat of battle

Question 26

what are 10 attitudes that keep you from expressing your feelings?

Answer 26

conflict phobia emotional perfectionism fear of disapproval and rejection passive-aggresiveness hopelessness low self-esteem spontaneity mind reading martyrdom the need to solve problems

Question 27

what is conflict phobia? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 27

afraid of angry feelings or conflict with people

Question 28

what is emotional perfectionism? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 28

believing you shouldn't have irrational feelings like anger, jealousy, depression, or anxiety think you should always be rational and in control of emotions afraid of being exposed as weak and believe people will look down on you if you reveal true feelings

Question 29

what is the fear of disapproval and rejection? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 29

so terrified by rejection and ending up alone that you'd rather swallow feelings and put you with some abuse than risk making someone mad at you excessive people pleaser

Question 30

what is passive aggressiveness? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 30

pouting and holding hurt and angry feelings inside instead of sharing give others the silent treatment and try to make them feel guilty instead of sharing feelings

Question 31

what is hopelessness? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 31

feel convinced your relationship cannot improve no matter what you do so you give up acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy, once you give up things get stuck and you conclude things are hopeless

Question 32

what is low self-esteem? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 32

believing you aren't entitled to express your feelings or to ask others for what you want think you should always please other people and meet their expectations

Question 33

what is spontaneity? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 33

believing you have the right to say precisely what you think, your feelings, or ask others for what you want

Question 34

what is mind reading? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 34

believing that people should know how you feel and what you want without having to express yourself directly

Question 35

what is martyrdom? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 35

afraid to admit you're angry because you don't want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they upset you

Question 36

what is the need to solve problems? (as an attitude preventing the expression of emotions)

Answer 36

when in conflict, you go around in circles trying to solve the problem instead of sharing your feelings openly and hearing how the other person feels

Question 37

what are the 10 attitudes that prevent you from listening?

Answer 37

truth blame the need to be a victim self-deception defensiveness coercion sensitivity demandingness selfishness mistrust help addiction

Question 38

what is truth? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 38

believe you are right and the other is wrong preoccupied with proving point instead of expressing your angry feelings more directly

Question 39

what is blame? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 39

believe the problem is the other person's fault

Question 40

what is the need to be a victim? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 40

feeling sorry for yourself and thinking others are treating you unfairly because of their insensitivity and selfishness

Question 41

what is self-deception? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 41

cannot imagine you're contributing to the problem because you cannot see the impact of your behavior on others

Question 42

what is defensiveness? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 42

so fearful of criticism that you can't stand to hear anything negative or disagreeable have the urge to argue and defend yourself

Question 43

what is coercion sensitivity? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 43

afraid of giving in or being bossed around others seem controlling or domineering and you feel you must dig in your heels and resist them

Question 44

what is demandingness? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 44

feeling entitled to better treatment from others and act frustrated when they don't test you as expected

Question 45

what is selfishness? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 45

wanting what you want when you want it and throwing a tantrum if you don't get it not especially interested in what others might be thinking or feeling

Question 46

what is help addiction? (as an attitude that prevents one from listening)

Answer 46

feeling the need to help people when all they want is to be listened too