Chapter 3: Choose Your Topic

Question 1

Who said ‘A problem well stated is a problem half solved’?

Answer 1

Charles Kettering

Question 2

The moment you open your mouth to hold a crucial conversation, what have you decided?

Answer 2

What to talk about

Question 3

What’s the wrong impression that we have about talking in crucial conversations?

Answer 3

We assume that just because we’re talking, we must be solving the right problem. If we don’t address the right issue, we end up in the same conversation again and again.

Question 4

When are crucial conversations most successful?

Answer 4

When they’re focused on one issue. The right one. This is difficult with humans.

Question 5

How do we focus on a single topic in a crucial conversation?

Answer 5

Thoughtfully unbundle then prioritize the issues at hand.

Question 6

Why do we usually choose the wrong topic in conversations?

Answer 6

We rarely stop and ponder which topic we should address.

Question 7

We usually default into one of two directions:

Answer 7

Easy over hard, recent over right.

Question 8

What are the three signs that indicate that you’re having the wrong conversation?

Answer 8

Your emotions escalate, you walk away skeptical, you’re in a déjà vu dialogue.

Question 9

How do you identify when you’re in a wrong conversation when emotion escalates?

Answer 9

The feeling of frustration increases as time goes on.

Question 10

How do you identify when you walk away skeptically from a crucial conversation?

Answer 10

You think to yourself ‘Nothing is going to really change here’ or there’s an agreement, but you don’t think the changes will solve the problem.

Question 11

How can you identify when you’re in a déjà vu dialogue in a crucial conversation?

Answer 11

You feel like you’ve had the conversation a dozen times.

Question 12

What are the skills involved in choosing the right topic?

Answer 12

Unbundle issues, choose an issue to talk about, and simplify the issue

Question 13

What are the three levels of conversations you may need to have about the issue itself?

Answer 13

Content, pattern, relationship (CPR).

Question 14

What’s a content problem?

Answer 14

When it’s the first time a problem comes up. If either the action itself or its immediate consequences are the issue, you’ve got a content problem.

Question 15

What’s a pattern problem?

Answer 15

This is the second level of problems. The next time a similar problem comes up, it’s a pattern problem.

Question 16

The first time something happens:

Answer 16

It’s an incident.

Question 17

The second time something happens:

Answer 17

It’s a coincidence.

Question 18

The third time something happens:

Answer 18

It’s a pattern.

Question 19

What’s a relationship problem?

Answer 19

This is the third level of problems. As problems continue, they can cause concerns about trust, competence, or respect.

Question 20

What does unbundling a situation with CPR help us to achieve?

Answer 20

It helps us decide the right topic to address and provides clarity into the situation. It also sets us up to make a conscious choice: At what level do you want to hold this conversation?

Question 21

Why do we need to talk about the process sometimes?

Answer 21

Not every issue fits into CPR. Sometimes you’ll need to extend your conversation to cover the issue of the process of how we are discussing issues.

Question 22

When is taking time to discuss the process of how we are communicating important?

Answer 22

When there are differences in our communication styles or modes of communication.

Question 23

What’s choosing all about?

Answer 23

Filtering all the issues you’ve teased apart through a single question: ‘What do I really want?’ Pick the issue that stands between you and your objectives.

Question 24

What’s simplification all about?

Answer 24

Be sure you can simply state what you want to discuss. Not everyone can do this.

Question 25

The more the words it takes you to describe the topic:

Answer 25

The less prepared you are to talk.

Question 26

Why is clarity so rare amongst humans?

Answer 26

When we start to admit the real problems to ourselves, we panic about how we could possibly say it. Problems are less scary when they are vague.

Question 27

What happens when you worry about how while trying to be honest about the what?

Answer 27

You'll be tempted to water down your message.

Question 28

What benefits do you get from creating a simple problem statement?

Answer 28

It helps you start with a clear purpose and hold yourself accountable. Don't worry about how, just tell yourself the truth about what you want to say.

Question 29

Self-honesty is the precondition for

Answer 29

Honesty with others.

Question 30

Most of the crucial problems we face are rarely a content issue but more of a process, pattern, or relationship issue. Why?

Answer 30

It's never the roots of the problem.

Question 31

What usually happens when you step up to a pattern or relationship level conversation with someone?

Answer 31

The other person's tendency will be to seek safety in a content-level conversation.

Question 32

Why do we need to watch out and keep to the level of conversation that we originally intended?

Answer 32

In order to reach the resolution that we originally intended.

Question 33

In conversations, clarity is crucial but so is

Answer 33

Flexibility

Question 34

What can you do when you start a conversation focused on one issue and a new issue emerges?

Answer 34

You can either stay focused on the original issue or move to a new one. In all cases, you want to place a bookmark.

Question 35

What is involved in placing a bookmark in a conversation?

Answer 35

You verbally acknowledge where you are going and what you intend to come back to. You make a conscious choice about what you want to talk about and register clearly to the person that you will return to that issue. Never allow the conversation to shift or the topic to change without consciously acknowledging you've done it.