CHAPTER 5 Flashcards

Question

Integrating (Collaborating) | continued

Answer 1

- integrative or collaborative styles are very different from competitive tactics. a competitive tactic assumes that the size of the pie is finite; therefore, ones tactics are designed to maximize gains for oneself and losses for the other. - integrative tactics assume that the size of the pie can be increased by working with the other party. both can leave the conflict with something they value - some ppl experience only avoidance or competitive attitudes toward conflict and have a difficult time visualizing an integrative approach. if each time you have a conflict you immediate say to your partner, you are wrong, you are likely to receive a competitive response in return. - integrating calls for a willingness to move with rather than against the other- a willingness to explore and struggle precisely when you may not feel like it. you do not give up for self-interest; you integrate it with the other's self-interest to reach agreement. - you do not have to like the other party but you do have to communicate respect. integrating does require "we" language rather than "I" language. - bc parties work together for mutually desirable outcomes and protect their own as well as each other's interests, many times respect and caring develop as by-products of the collaborative effort. - one makes disclosing statements by saying such things as I am having trouble tracking this issue or otherwise reporting one's feelings while in the conflict. you can also solicit disclosure from the other party by saying what makes you so upset when i bring up the summer plans? one can also make qualifying statement and solicit criticism as ways to move the conflict toward integrating. - the final three categories of collaborative tactics, classified as conciliatory remarks, are (1) supportive remarks: such as i can see why that is difficult-we have all been ganging up on you (2) concessions: such as okay i agree i need to find new ways to deal with this problem (3) acceptance of responsibility: yes i have been acting uncooperatively lately - all conciliatory remarks acknowledge one's own role in the conflict and offer an "olive branch" of hope and reconciliation to the other party, paving the way to successful management of the conflict. all of the collaborative tactics move the conflict into a third dimensions where partners neither avoid nor blame but grapple with the conflict as a joint problem to be solved. - collaborative, or integrative, tactics are associated with successful conflict management. similarly, popular prescriptions for conflict management specify that one should work with the partner to establish mutual gain and to preserve the relationship and should engage in neither avoidance nor verbal aggressiveness but try to find mutual solutions to the problems

Answer 2

Advantages: - integrating works well to find a collaborative solution that will satisfy both parties. it generates new ideas, shows respect for the other party, and gains commitment to the solution for both parties. because integrating incorporates the feelings of the concerned parties, they both feel the solutions are reality based. integrating is a high-energy style that fits people in long-term committed relationships, whether the goals are personal or professional. integrating actively engages and affirms the importance of the relationship and content goals and thus builds a team or partnership approach to conflict management. when integrating works, it prevents one from using destructive means such as violence. it demonstrates to the parties that conflict can be productive. Disadvantages: - as with any stye, if integrating is the only style used, one can become imprisoned by it. if investment in the relationship or issue is low, integrating can become worthless and not with the time and energy consumed. further, ppl who are more verbally skilled than others can use integrating in very manipulative ways, which result sin a continue power discrepancy between the parties. for example, if one party uses integrating, he or she may accuse the other of being "unreasonable" by choosing a different style. often, high power persons use pseudo-integrating to maintain the power imbalance.; this is when you say all the right things but ultimately you always gain at the others expense. - example: members of a small group in a com class are under time pressure to finish their project, due in a week. the overuse collab techniques such as consensus building. brainstorming, paraphrasing and bringing out silent members. quickly breaking up into subgroups would better serve the individual and relational goals of the group but the group clings to a time consuming method of making decisions long after they should have adapted their style to meet the deadline.

Answer 3

- bc conflict styles are generating so much research some cautions are in order. as we mentioned, one's culture may make a difference. if the cultural studies could be grouped according to the degree of individualism and collectivism in each culture that would be helpful. - one study suggests "overall the pattern of the five conflict modes did not vary greatly across countries or in comparison to the U.S. Norm Sample" - regardless of the cultural context, one consistent and serious limitation to the studies is the focus on self reports. your perception of conflict style depends on whether you are rating yourself or others are rating you. in some research and in workshops two patterns emerge: (1) people most often see themselves as trying to solve the problem (using integrative styles) (2) people most often see others using controlling or aggressive styles. - most of us see ourselves as trying to solve the conflict and the others obstructing. in one workshop, p's, all who had disputes with someone else in the room, filled out the instrument just like you did earlier in this chapter on my styles and the other's styles. when the results were tallied, an interesting result was clear. almost all p's said "i integrated and the other dominated." two earlier studies found that managers see themselves as cooperative and others as competitive, demanding or refusing - Gayle found self-report to have a social desirability bias (giving answers that "look good"). one person's "narrative" about the conflict will probably not match that of the other person. in conflict, we tend to see ourselves in a positive light and others in a negative light. amazingly, most research on styles still uses self-reports, assuming they tell us what "style" someone actually used. at minimum, studies need to look at the following: - Person A - my styles, person B styles - Person B - my styles, person A styles - without such joint data, any conclusions are problematic - the relational context often triggers and idiosyncratic style. - many ppl do not use a consistent style across a variety of relationships. people may use different styles in different contexts. Eric said that when he is in public he competes every chance he gets. yet in private with his wife, he avoids conflict as though it were a dreaded disease. when his wife brings up conflicting issues, he either avoids or completely obliges her- he cannot stand conflict within an intimate relationship. yet if Eric were to fill out a widely used style instrument, he would give a different answer depending on the relational context. but since a significant number of ppl adapt to different situations with different styles, to give them a single label such as compromise is a gross oversimplification.

Answer 4

- research takes a "snapshot" of conflict styles asking you what you did in a relationship. for many ppl, the style changes across time in a given relationship. some individuals develop preferred sequences of styles; for example, one may begin a conflict by avoiding, then move to dominating, then finally integrate with the other party. the accurate assessment of one's conflict style should measure change over time to reflect the reality for a lot of people. - in many relationships there are multiple episodes in which "snapshots" will not capture - one's overall relationship history is typically not assessed. if you are in a long term relationship you have a rich history of interaction with them influencing your style and your and the other's perception of it. - for example, Jen said in my marriage i never stood up for myself and instead kept it all bottled inside to where ti detested him. in the end i completely exploded. - like Jen, we all develop a conflict style narrative based on our self perception. Jen sees herself as an avoider who only once dominated but don't you wonder how her ex-husbands narrative about her would diverge? he might say oh she didn't avoid she was just a weak compromiser. or her true self cam out in the end when she exploded. - Jen may be different in her next relationship. similarly, a young man who is always dominating learns from his romantic partner how to collaborate- thus changing his style. alternately, someone who avoids conflict learns through trial and error to engage in the conflict earlier, thus changing her predominate mode - one can change a preferred conflict style, especially in the old style ceases to work well - your style is often triggered by your perception of other's choices. for most of us, the other's style has a dramatic effect on the choices we make. in Ellen's first marriage, she developed the pattern of occasionally throwing dishes when she was angry. her first husband would flee the house. a few years later, after she had married someone else, they got into an argument. she threw a dish at her new husband who promptly wen tot the kitchen, pick up most of the available dishes on the counter, smashed them to the floor and said "well if we are going to break dishes, let's do it!" Ellen immediately burst into tears. she wanted a partner who would stay and work out the problem instead of leaving the scene. neither has thrown a dish since. - conflict styles are a good beginning point for analysis. in every conflict, parties have views of themselves and of others. therefore, knowing YOUR perception of self and other and THE OTHER'S perception of self and of you gives you valuable insight into what fuels the ongoing conflict.

Answer 5

- each of the five styles presenting so far in this chapter has a place in conflict management. we now turn to choices more extreme than the five styles - that are inappropriate, lead to negative outcomes, and violate the core principles of good communication. - all of these more extreme actions rest on a win-lose approach to conflict.

Answer 6

- verbal aggressiveness and verbal abuse are forms of communication violence. rather than just telling someone what might happen to them (using a threat or warning), when you use verbal aggression you attack the self-concepts of the other. - character attacks "you are just a rotten wife" insults such as "well i suppose someone with your intelligence would see it that way, rough teasing, ridicule and profanity are all forms of verbal aggression - many conflict parties, when engaged in struggle, immediately begin verbally attacking with abusive language. once you focus on the other as the sole cause of the difficulties, it is easy to slip into disparaging personal remarks. the following are examples of verbal abuse and aggressiveness: - you're so stupid, you're an imbecile, you are ugly, you are low class, i wish you would die, get his by a car, fall off the face of the earth, no one else would have you - in individualistic cultures, aggressive and abusive talk is common. it attacks the other's character, background, abilities, physical appearance, and the like. the more important your relationship with someone, the more verbal aggression hurts. - in a collectivistic culture, on the other hand, the most damaging verbal abuse is directed toward a person's group, clan, tribe village or family. he's a drunken Irishman, or you people are all animals. - one study examined the use of verbal aggression in college age couples and found that based on 5,000 American couples, men and women engage in equal amounts of verbal aggression and other studies show this to be the case. Yelsma found that 70 percent of partners in dating relationships reported some form of verbal abuse. if an occasional lapse into verbal aggression occurred, partners seemed able to absorb it, but in distressed relationships, verbal aggression was associated with ineffective conversational skills and was much more frequent than in satisfactory relationships. - the negative impacts of verbal aggression is felt by most of us. when we hear someone in public verbally abusing another, we tend to cringe. the person engaging in verbal aggression most often doesn't perceive their com. as aggressive.

Answer 7

- people who exhibit high verbal aggressiveness claim that 46% of their verbally aggressive message are humorous. but outsiders view verbally aggressive ppl as less credible and as having fewer valid arguments than those who don't use aggressive language. if a couple is verbally aggressive, the tend to infuriate each other and lack the skill to undo the relationship damage. - as shown in the following list of abusive vs. nonabusive talk, verbally abusive couples differ from nonabusive couples in how they talk Abusive vs. Nonabusive - vague vs. precise language - opposition vs. integrating - negative relational talk vs. content talk - despair vs. optimism - interfering with interdependence vs. facilitating interdependence - complaints vs. compliments - ineffective change vs. effective change - verbal aggression is closely associated with physical abuse. verbal aggression is a precursor to and predictor of physical aggression in adolescents and in marriage and other romantic relationships. adding injury to insult, verbally aggressive couples sometimes do not see their aggression as a problem. - sometimes, r's label verbally aggressive tactics as harassment. a direct verbal attack on another can have serious consequence. in Sweden, an estimated 100 to 300 ppl each year to commit suicide as a result of harassment by work colleagues. one study found that in a Finnish university, women were more often harassed than men, and women holding administrative and service jobs were harassed more often than female professors. - making negative comments about appearance or clothing is considered harassment if the speaker is in a high-power relationship with the "target" person. additionally, if a high power person ridicules a low power person's mode of speech or makes sexually explicit suggestions or observations, harassment is occurring. - finally, when a high power person negatively labels a low power person's personality, using words such as brain dead, lower, whiner, bitch or wimp, the target person is being harassed. - such comments, whether labeled harassment or verbal aggression, can occur at home, work, public or any type of relationship. and sometimes, these destructive verbal tactics escalate to the next level-physical violence.

Answer 8

- when verbally abusive tactics are extreme, they can be characterized by the rapist style. in the rapist style (this metaphor is not meant to imply only sexual behavior but all kinds of dominating com. behavior), p's function through power, through an ability to apply psychic and physical sanctions, through rewards and especially punish and through commands and threats. - the conflict or argument is often escalated, since p's are interested in coercion rather than agreement. the intent of those using the rapist style is to manipulate and violate the personhood of the "victims" or other parties in the conflict. - verbal aggression often feels like and is violation of the humanity of the other, like rape - people can be, however, trained to stop using verbal aggression. learning how to argue without attacking the other's self is one of the key steps in stopping verbal aggression as well as controlling the emotional flooding associated with verbal abuse and verbal aggression - one the other side, if individuals can recognize the sings of possible escalation, they might be able to seek help.

Answer 9

- bullying is "ongoing, persistent badgering, harassment and psychological terrorizing...that demoralizes, dehumanizes and isolates the targeted" - bullying can occur in any social setting, including the Internet, where it is called cyber bullying. online bullying of peers is the number one threat to juveniles using social networking sites such as fb, twitter, and myspace - workplace bullying also occurs. defining bullying as repeated and persistent patterns of neg. workplace behavior that is ongoing for six months or longer in duration. 23 percent of the over 1000 participants had experienced bullying in a university setting. when counting victims and witnesses to bullying, a full 45% of the survey respondents experienced bullying. in respect to the US as a whole a random survey of 7000 ppl, 37% reported a direct experience with bullying. - such bullying is four times more prevalent than illegal forms of harassment. and as you might guess, most bullies are bosses (72%). women are affected more than men. - further, while we hear about the US being 'lawsuit happy' only 3% of those affected filed lawsuits - those targeted are the ones most often who lose their jobs. abroad, one Denmark study found that bullying in the workplace negatively affected both the organizational climate and the psychological health of those bullied. - the effects of workplace bullying everywhere are clear, the targets psychological occupational and family functions decline. job performance slips and the orgs reputations, is damaged. - bullying at work can take many forms - supervisors abusing subordinates, same level workers tormenting peers, and coworkers gaining up on an individual. when asked about his or her experience, the recipient of bullying feels vulnerable or tortured, that is a "fixed fight" and has nightmares. - targets of bullying suffer long-term, sometimes permanent-damage. - if you attend US schools you know that bullying occurs there also. children sometimes do recognize it when it occurs and yet it is strongly linked to other aggressive behaviors. take the case of will, the smallest boy in the class. in his rural town, all boys went out for sports and will was harassed on a daily basis in the locker room being shoved, hit with towels and called names. such persistent acts continued until he quit participating in sports all together.

Answer 10

- schools have begun anti bullying programs bc bullying is so common and harmful. studies show that bullying prevention programs yield a large decrease in bullying. they typically teach elementary students how to recognize emotions, consider the other's emotions, act without verbal aggression, and chose a response other than anger. - bullying usually begins as incivility. workplace bullying does not arise out of a vacuum. rather, it is often a consequence of unmanaged incivility, rudeness and injustice that contaminates the workplace. - incivility, over time, can develop into bullying as repeated, long term acts wear down, demoralize , stigmatize, and isolate those target. bullying, then, is one of a group of aggressive acts that have serious consequences for the recipient.

Answer 11

- violence consists of any verbal or physical strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. violence occurs when conflict interactions move beyond threats to verbal abuse and verbal aggressiveness. - violence occurs in the home, on dates, at work, etc. - specifying the details of violence, the two most research scales used are CTS and CTS2. the two versions CTS and CTS2 use items on negotiations, psychological aggression, physical assault, sexual coercion, and injury. some sample items from the two scales are: - threw something at my partners that could hurt them - twisted my partners arm or hair - pushed or shoved my partner - had a broke bone from a fight with my partner - used force like hitting, holding down or using a weapon to make my partner have sex - grabbed my partner - used a knife or gun on my partner - punched or hit them with something that could hurt them - chocked them - slammed then against the wall - beat up my partner - kicked my partner - the more severe forms of violence occur less frequently. however, although we will never know the precise rates of violence, it is more common than we usually assumed. - in the US almost 20% of ppl reported experience a violent episode in the prior year of their romantic relationship and more than four million women each year are physically harmed by their husbands, boyfriends and other intimate partners. similarly, in Australia, more than 20 percent of couples have experienced violence. - premarital violence is a serious social problem that affects more than 30 percent of the young people in the US who date. - in unhappy marriages, 70% of the couples reported physical aggression in the prior year. - men commit about 13 million violent crimes each year, with only half being simple assaults, while women commit about 2.1 million violent crimes a year, with three quarters being simple assault. - in another study of dating relationships, 23 percent of students reported being pushed, grabbed or shoved by their partner. - most common form of physical aggression practiced by both men and women were pushing, shoving and slapping. additionally, 16.3 out of 1,000 children were reported to have been abused and or neglected and in 16% of homes, some kind of violence between spouses had occurred in the year prior to the survey. - in summary, most researchers conclude violence is indeed common in American families. further, these incidents of violence are not isolated attacks nor are they just pushes and shoves. in many families, violence is patterned and regular and often results in broken bones and sutured cuts. violence spans all social and economic boundaries, though it is more prevalent in families with low income, low educational achievement and low status employment - another working definition of violence is an act carried our with the intention or perceived intention of causing physical or injury to another person. - in conflict terms, violent behavior is an attempt to force one's will one the other - to get him or her to stop doing something or to start doing something. clearly, it is a one-sided tactic designed to force the other to do one's bidding.

Answer 12

- Tenet 1: Physical aggression is almost always preceded by verbal aggression - small, insignificant acts lead to verbal sparring, which then escalates into physical aggression or abuse. the spiral of destruction continues until the physically stronger one, usually the man, gets an upper hand. the important feature here is that the physical abuse does not arise out of nowhere-it follows, hostile, competitive verbal acts. the partner's engage in an aggression ritual that ends in violence. - Tenet 2: Intimate violence is usually reciprocal (both participate) - aggression and violence are reciprocal-once on partner engages in violence, the other is likely to respond in kind. in intimate relationships, the woman is more likely than the man to engage in violent low power tactics: the woman is 14 times more likely than the man to throw something and 15 times more likely than the man to slap. however, 40% of all women who are murdered are killed by someone close to them. major differences in male and female violence show up in the seriousness and the effective of violence. there is no question that women are seriously victimized much more than men. both p's are likely to report being both victims and perpetrators of aggression; 85% of couples report that the aggression is bidirectional. these stats suggest that there is an attack-counterattack sequence to the majority of violent episodes. once violence begins, both people tend to participate, it is a dyadic, interactive event. - Tenet 3: Women and children suffer more injuries - violence damages women and children more than men, regardless of the cycle of interaction leading up to it. advocates for battered women point to a cohesive pattern of coercive controls that include verbal abuse, threats, and psychological manipulation, sexual coercion, and control of economic resources. additionally, many women learn not to confront and remain unskilled in effective verbal defense. many women try to placate rather than leave the scene. socialization of women that teaches them to be forgiving also leads to women staying in abusive relationships. all you have to do is volunteer at a battered women's shelter or read in the newspaper about child abuse to see who loses. when men hit a women and women hit men, the real victims are almost certainly going to be the women. even when women use weapons as a way to gain the upper hand, they are still injured more often. throughout history, women have been the victims of violence.

Answer 13

- Tenet 4: Victims of abuse are in a no-win situation - once the cycle of abuse begins, the victim of the abuse has few good options. it is fruitless to try to use aggression against a stronger and more violent person. yet, on the other hand, it is extraordinarily difficult to leave bc the perpetrator is trying to control all of your actions. 40% of victims of dating violence continue their relationship and that most women who seek help from a battered women's shelter return to their spouses. many women go back to these situations bc with children they cannot make a living. many women feel guilty about the failure of the relationship and go back, believing the promises made for a change. 70% of fathers who sought custody for their children were successful so many women, especially poor women, are afraid of losing their children if they stay away. tragically, abusers escalate their control tactics when victims try to leave. more domestic abuse victims are killed when they are trying to leave than at any other time. it is difficult for women with children to flee when they are so dependent on the very person who is violent with them. - Tenet 5: Perpetrators and victims have discrepant narratives about violence - one of the reasons that it is so hard to decrease violence is that perpetrators of violent acts see their behavior as something that could not be helped or as due to external, mitigating circumstances. thus they may cast themselves as unjustly persecuted for a minor, unavoidable or nonexistent offense.