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Flashcards in Final Exam Deck (32)
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Problems that will block us in marriage/family counselling

1) Naivety - not knowing much due to our circumstances; don't pretend you know, find out what you can
2) Denial - reluctance to face what goes on in our souls
3) Complexity - these problems are rarely simple, we have to be willing to go to hard places


Discerning what should be shared w/ spouse

Ask Yourself:
-Is the person willing to share for redemptive purposes?
a. is it ministry
b. or is it to dump/get off their chest
c. neither spouse is to be the burden bearer of past issues


Sexual Difficulties

1. Specific Intra-psychic issues; ex. if wife was molested as child
2. Interpersonal Issues; no spirit and soul oneness
3. technique issues; core ignorance of sexuality; counsellor cannot be embarrassed


Spirit Oneness

-Ones unique, personal relationship with God


Soul Oneness

-How one communicates to one's spouse; it is the energy of your souls moving toward one another, with the others interest in mind; passionate soul contact


Body Oneness

-Ones physical being set in the direction of pleasing the other
-sexual enjoyment
-this is difficult to be built on anything else other than passionate soul contact - passionate soul involvement cant be formed without intimate relationship with God


Stages/Characteristics of Intimate Relationships

1. Invitational Stage - determining common grounds for establishing relationships
2. Exploration Stage - greater focus on similarities of values, goals, and beliefs
3. Intensifying Stage - more attention is paid to the relationship in an attempt to achieve an identity as a couple
4. Revising stage - negotiation of rules/roles for the relationship
5. Bonding stage - in a love relationship, a public commitment is made
6. Navigating stage -adjusting to changing needs in the relationship


Developing Intimate Relationships

1. There are things you know about yourself that others don't know
2. There are things others know about you that you may not be aware of
3. It takes great energy to hide information from yourself and others
4. The more information is known about you, the clearer your self-awareness will be
5. The more self-disclosing of you, the lesser the hidden areas
6. The more that others self-disclose to you, about their observations of you, the less the blind areas
7. The greater self-disclosing of yourself to others and others to you; the less of the unknown their will be in your life to catch you off guard or lead to compromising circumstances



-Understanding that you are a sinner and saved by grace. Therefore in the eyes of God you are special, worthy, and acceptable



-In order for me to know you, you must know yourself


Rules that enforce shame

1. Be blind - relinquish your own perceptions of reality
2. Be quiet - don't talk about what really happens in family
3. Be numb - only certain members are allowed to have certain emotions
4. Be careful - don't trust others to really be who they appear to be
5. Be good - don't be a real human child - be a permanent press adult


Dysfunctional definition of 'good children'

1. Never inconvenience parents
2. Never lose at anything (unless to parent)
3. Never have a critical thought
4. Only remember happy times
5. Know how to do everything perfectly without being taught
6. Never have any personal needs of their own


Family Functioning Comparison #1

Healthy Family:
Parents do not expect to be perfect; therefore are shame-free
Unhealthy Family:
Parents believe they should be perfect, so are significantly shame-bound


FFC #2

Healthy Family:
Parents are consistently adequate as they admit to their problems and work towards resolving them
Unhealthy Family:
Parents never seek help on their personal problems


FFC #3

Healthy Family:
Parents accept family problems and work through them
Unhealthy Family:
Parents think the family needs to be perfect, so instead of dealing with the problem, they focus on how to look like a picture perfect family


FFC #4

Healthy Family:
Parents consistently tell the truth about what is going on in the family
"Why do we try to put behind us what we have never put before us?"


Optimal family roles

1. Clear differentiation exists between spouse, parents, and children
2. Roles may be shared, reversed, or changed depending on the situation
3. New roles can be tried out or old ones modified
4. Roles taken by family members complement one another
5. Roles are similar among members
6. Parents share child care


Optimal Emotional Expression

1. Overall emotional tone of the family
2. Expression of negative emotions is allowed
3. Amount of expressiveness is high with laughter and humour and warmth
4. Open and unresolved hostility is absent
5. Family encourages a wide range of emotions


Optimal individuation

1. Each member has separate social and recreational activities
2. Family members discuss individual problems, understand and support one another
3. Different value systems are supported within family
4. Cooperation rather than competition
5. relationships w/non family members are approved of as long as family routine is not disturbed
6. Family members take responsibility for their individual actions and feelings
7. Differences of opinions are tolerated


Optimal family power distribution

1. Everyone has input into family decisions
2. Family members seek and take leadership in different aspects of family life
3. Power in the family is centralized
4. family rules are enforced through persuasion rather than through intimidation
5. There is little angry, hostile, or acting out behaviour
6. Alliances among family members are open and short-term


Optimal Family Communication

1. High volume of information seeking and sharing occurs between family members
2. Non verbal and verbal messages are congruent, and the intent of each message is clear and open
3. Silence is infrequent, and family deals with a wide range of topics
4. Conflict is resolved through discussion
5. Most family communication is positive in tone
6. All family members are capable of using problem-solving statements


Optimal Subsystems

1. The boundaries between the parental, spousal, and sibling subsystems are clear
2. Each subsystem performs its functions adequately
3. Strong emotional bonds within subsystems
4. Parental subsystem leads the family and holds most of the power
5. Individuals within subsystems participate in shared activities
6. Coalitions across subsystems occur but are short-term
7. Families w/ sources of identity and heritage differ from that of the middle/lower class



-clarification, assessment, and structuring
-determine the major areas of conflict; sex, communicating, children, money
-identify the wrong patterns of behaviour they have established in their relationship in order to get their needs met



-Observe their layers as they interact in the office, what emotions dominate? how do they talk to each other?
- how much anger, blaming, contempt, shaming is going on?



-Now is when you may start seeing couple move towards one another
-at this point, counsellor will determine whether or not individual therapy is needed



-If no movement towards one another is happening, this is when scheduling the individual appointments happens
-this is when you confirm specifics about their spiritual life,
-you as a counsellor can then promote it



-review the situation
-determine reasons for movement or the lack there of
-evaluate the progress the couple was expecting; "What is impeding you from seeing the changes you wanted to see?"



-Once you are past session 6, you are making a very big commitment to this couple
-past this, enters the realm of marriage counselling


What should be included in Premarital Counselling

1. A discussion of what marriage is
2. Teaching on uniqueness and acceptance
3. A discussion on what love is
4. Discussion on the expectations of marriage
5. Discussion on the goals of and in the marriage
6. A discussion on the fulfilling of the needs of marriage
7. A discussion of roles, responsibilities and decision making
8. A discussion on how each other are going to handle each others family's
9. A discussion on communication
10. A discussion on finances
11. A discussion on sex and family planning


Ten ways to cope with conflict

1. Don't avoid conflict w/ silent treatment
2. Don't save "emotional trading stamps"
3. If possible, prepare the setting for disagreement
4. Attack the problem, not each other
5. Don't throw your feelings like stones
6. Stay on the subject
7. Offer solutions with your criticisms
8. Never say, "You never..."
9. Don't manipulate your mate with, "It's all my fault"
10. Be humble - you could be wrong