It's Not About Me

Question 1

IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT ME: THE TOP TEN TECHNIQUES FOR BUILDING QUICK RAPPORT

1. OVERALL THEME: NO MATTER WHAT, MAKE IT ALL ABOUT THEM

A. It’s not about me. In any interaction, don’t think about myself, think about the person or the people I’m interacting with. It’s about them and providing them value. The interaction, the speech, the blog post, etc is about them, for them, focused on providing them value.

2. ESTABLISH ARTIFICIAL TIME CONSTRAINTS

A. It sets people at ease because they know there is an end in sight. This leads to a higher likelihood that they will engage with you in a more substantial way

3. ACCOMODATING NON-VERBALS

A. The opening statement and actions set the tone for the interaction and has a large influence on whether the other person will look upon you favorably.

B. Smiling is the most important non-verbal to make you look accommodating. Add a slight head tilt and this elicits a feeling of trust. Maintain a level or slightly below level chin tilt.

C. In standing engagements with people, stand at a slight angle. Don’t directly face them.

D. Slight palm-up hand shake that matches the strength of the other person.

E. The main objective in any engagement is to ensure that the person leaves the conversation feeling better for having met you.

4. SLOWER RATE OF SPEECH

A. When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they sound more credible. Take pauses before responding to the other person.

5. SYMPATHY OR ASSISTANCE THEME

A. Asking someone to do something simple, of limited duration, and non-threatening.

B. Asking for opinions seems to be an easy one.

C. Utilize the words please and because

D. Pre-determine a theme and frame it as something that you need help with. Gift ideas, opinions, etc

E. People are preconditioned to accommodate easy and simple requests. This instills the sense that they like you, otherwise they would have just helped someone they don’t like.

F. BIG ONE: establish a third-party reference. Something in the immediate environment or something situational or circumstantial that the other person will obviously be able to relate to and will give you an obvious excuse to engage with them.

6. EGO SUSPENSION

A. Don’t interrupt or correct people

B. Squash your innate need to talk about yourself in your responses to the person

C. In general, ego suspension is putting the other persons wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of your own.

D. Not only do we suspend our own need to talk, but we actively encourage the other person to continue sharing with open ended questions

7. VALIDATE OTHERS

A. Listening: Actively paying attention to what they’re saying and thinking about it. Don’t be distracted by things around. Be fully present in the interaction. Let your body language express your interest. We are there to hear their story and promote their continued sharing and put the entire focus on the other person.

B. Thoughtfulness: Think about the other person. Put yourself in their shoes. Ask if they need anything, would you like water, would you like some hand sanitizer, some gum, etc. See the situation through their lens and address their thoughts.

C. Validate thoughts and opinions: You either agree or disagree with a point of view. If you agree, express it. If you disagree, seek to understand. Seek to sympathize.

i. Human beings naturally make a connection with others who think like them. That’s why validation is so powerful.

D. PRO TIP: On getting other people to do what you want them to do: Have them come up with the idea and then validate the idea. Circuitously approach the general topic you are interested in the convo culminating in…then ask leading questions that get them to the “problem” you are trying to address. Then ask them how they would fix it….then validate. Empower others to get to the same conclusion as you with how you speak and ask questions, then gently guide them to deciding and acting. My addition…asking for opinions could be a very powerful way to broach the topic…makes them feel like they are valued while also resulting in your desired outcome.

8. ASK… HOW? WHEN? WHY?

A. Ask open ended questions (not yes or no questions). These are questions that require extra and deeper thought. Utilize the content they provide and ask open ended questions about it.

B. Threading the conversation: ask open ended questions that introduce another offshoot of the original topic. Questions related to the original topic. Asking leading questions could be another way of achieving the desired outcome.

i. Minimal encouragers
1. Simple head nods or verbal confirmations. Not to excess though. “yes, uh huh, I agree, I hear you, etc”
ii. Reflective questioning
1. Simply restating what someone just said, but doing it as a question. This causes people to feel the need to expand or amplify, which drives the conversation forward.
2. Could be a good way to gently guide someone to a different way of thinking. Ex: kids want to do something that I don’t want them to do. Use reflective questioning to start going down the path toward desired outcome and continue to ask questions to make your idea their idea.
iii. Emotional labeling

1. Discovering the underlying causes of certain
   emotions. Typically used when people are obviously having a bad day or are displaying extreme emotions.

iv. Paraphrasing
1. Demonstrates that they are valued by demonstrating how much you are paying attention.
2. Can be used after the other person has been talking for a while. Also helps you remember the details of a convo.
3. People are so used to receiving half-attention that when you use this, it’s a good way of demonstrating you are fully attentive to them.
v. Pausing
1. Pause before responding. Gives them time to keep talking. Makes them feel the need to feel the void, which demonstrates your confidence. Also conveys the sense that you are really considering what they just said and are formulating a thoughtful response.
vi. Summary
1. Same as paraphrasing but at the end of the conversation. Good way to recap anything that may need following up, either on my part or theirs.
9. CONNECT WITH QUID PRO QUO

A. Sometime you have to give a little to get a little. Good technique for connecting with introverts or people who are guarded or not particularly interested in talking. If the conversation isn’t going anywhere, sometimes you have to open up to others first before they will engage with you. This is about sharing something slightly personal (Not too personal) with people so they see you in a slightly different light.

10. GIFT GIVING (RECIPROCAL ALTRUISM)

A. Presence is a form of immaterial gift giving. Giving them your full attention and focus. More of a technique used preemptively when you know the person who you are giving the gift to is someone who you will need something from later on. Technique hangs on our innate need to reciprocate.

B. Could be used on a stranger in a situation when you know you will need something from them in the immediate future. Could be used in existing relationships when you know you will need favors in the future. People have a real hard time not reciprocating even if it’s something they don’t want to do.

11. MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

A. Manage expectations before going into any interaction. The key is to continue to focus on them and not be overly concerned if the desired outcome isn’t achieved. Don’t think about the outcome during the interaction…this lowers perceived confidence and conveys an attention deficit, which subsequently ensures you won’t reach the desired outcome. Know the desired outcome before interacting, then have faith in the process during, utilize techniques, and don’t worry.

B. PRO TIP: Perspective shift: Instead of thinking about yourself and your agenda and placing yourself in the center of your mind, shift the focus solely on them. Think of your interaction as an opportunity for them, seek to provide value instead of worrying about being perceived as valuable.

Answer 1

asdf