Midterm Test - Part 1 Flashcards

1
Q

Definition of self-betray (or self-deception)

A

An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another person

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2
Q

Steps of Self Betrayal

A
  1. Self betrayal - an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another.
  2. Justification - I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betray.
  3. Distortion - my view of reality becomes distorted.
  4. I enter the box.
  5. The boxes become characteristics and I carry them with me.
  6. I provoke others to be in the box.
  7. Collusion - mutual mistreatment and justification. Inviting others to stay in the box.
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3
Q

1st step to self-betrayal

A

An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another

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4
Q

2nd step to self-betrayal

A

I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self betrayal

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5
Q

3rd step to self-betrayal

A

My view of reality becomes distorted

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6
Q

4th Step to self-betrayal

A

I enter “the box”

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7
Q

5th step to self-betrayal

A

Boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me

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8
Q

6th step to self-betrayal

A

I provoke others to be in the box

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9
Q

7th step to self-betrayal

A

Collusion (collude) - I invite other to stay or be in the box with me. Mutual mistreatment and justification. Giving each other reasons to stay in the box.

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10
Q

Perceptions when outside the box

A

You see the other person as a person. You have empathy and compassion.

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11
Q

Perceptions when inside the box.

A

You see yourselves as the victim and only see the good things about you and your “efforts”. Very self focused. The other person is an object. The are lazy, inconsiderate, insensitive, etc etc. Blaming. Everyone else is at fault.

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12
Q

How do you get out of the box?

A

Seeing the other as person. You are out of the box as soon as you feel you want to be out of the box for someone. When we cease resisting others (what is outside our box). The humanity of others can penetrate our resistance and our box.

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13
Q

Stages of learning

A
  1. Unconscious incompetence
  2. Conscious incompetence
  3. Conscious competence
  4. Unconscious competence
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14
Q

1st stage of learning

A

Unconsciously incompetent - don’t know what you don’t know. Can’t do what you can’t do.

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15
Q

2nd stage of learning

A

Conscious Incompetence - aware of what we can’t do. Moving toward learning.

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16
Q

3rd stage of learning

A

Conscious competence - practice brings competence and learning. Goal

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17
Q

4th Stage of learning

A

Unconscious competence - habit of expectation, 10,000 hour rule, become an expert. Most dangerous because you’re doing the right things, but lacking awareness.

18
Q

Vulnerability

A

The ability to be influenced (to be humble enough to learn, to try new things, to listen, to learn)

19
Q

Bilateral Communication & Metaphor & Goal

A

2 way interaction. Goal is truth. Lovers. working together to solve problems, treat others equally

20
Q

Unilateral Communication - and metaphor, goal

A

One-way. Can be “rape, seduction”. Motive is power and superiority. Force. (“molestation” - power relationship is already there, repetitious)

21
Q

People you cannot have construction conflict with

A
  1. Inanimate (unable to communicate with)
  2. Illogical (they won’t listen to any reason)
  3. Immoral (willing to lie, cheat, etc)
22
Q

3 Basic types of family environment for conflicts -

A
  1. Avoidant -
  2. Aggressive -
  3. Collaborative -
23
Q

Lens Model Theory

A
  • looks at communication behaviors and the perceptions of those behaviors.
  • It specifies that each person view oneself, the other person and the relationship.
24
Q

Different filters on conflict lenses

A
  • gender filters
  • cultural filters:
    individualistic (direct, linear, individual oriented, logic, confrontational)
    Collectivistic (expressive oriented, group oriented, concealment, intuitive, indirect strategies)
25
Q

Negative Conflict Metaphors

A
  • Conflict is like war
  • Conflict is bullying
  • Conflict is explosive
  • Conflict is a trial
  • Conflict is a mess
26
Q

Positive Conflict Metaphors

A
  • Conflict is a heroic adventure
  • Conflict is a balancing act
  • Conflict is a tide
  • Conflict is a dance
  • Conflict is a garden, quilt making, musical improv
27
Q

Why Metaphors

A
  • to find meaning and make sense of the world, imaginative descriptions of emotional experiences, compact shorthand of a complicated process
28
Q

Why Metaphors

A
  • to find meaning and make sense of the world, imaginative descriptions of emotional experiences, compact shorthand of a complicated process
29
Q

Positive views of conflict

A

Exciting, strengthening, helpful, stimulating, growth producing, enriching, energizing, clarifying, intimate, opportunity, creative, enriching

30
Q

Negative views of conflict

A

destruction, anger, disagreement, hostility, war, anxiety, tension, alienation, violence, competition, threat, pain, stress

31
Q

5 elements of conflict

A
  1. an expressed struggle (verbal/non verbal, subtle/direct)
  2. between interdependent parties (choices affect each other)
  3. Who perceive incompatible goals (fact vs. perception)
  4. Scarce resources (physical, economic, social consequences)
  5. and interference achieving goals (they block desired actions, may perceive them as problem)
32
Q

What are J Gottman’s 4 Horseman

A
  1. Criticizing
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Stonewalling
  4. Contempt
33
Q

J Gottman Criticism - describe

A

Critical start-up sets the tone. More women than men criticize. Increase conflict escalation quickly. Harsh start-up. Gets the other person on the defensive right away. Attacking the person’s character.

34
Q

J Gottman Defensiveness - describe

A

Typically response to criticism. Fish for excuses. Used to protect themselves again pain, fear, personal responsibility or new info. Implies one is warding off an attack. No one is listening/learning only attacking.

35
Q

J Gottman Stonewalling - describe

A

Withdrawal from Interaction. Men use this the most. Showing you are not there. Conceal all feelings. Tuning out, turning away, shuts down

36
Q

J Gottman - Contempt

A

1 indicator of divorce. Truly mean. mocking, disrespectful, make others feel worthless and despised.

37
Q

What are TRIP Goals

A
  1. Topic
  2. Relationship
  3. Identity/facework
  4. Process
38
Q

Topic goals

A

What do we want? What is the content?

39
Q

Relational Goals

A
Who are we to each other?
How do we want to be treated?
More personal, we are invested
off topic
Also is one of drivers of disputes along with indentity
40
Q

Indentity

A

Driver of dispute with relational goals

Who am I in this interaction? When identity becomes an issue people are less flexible and engage in destructive moves.

41
Q

Process Goals

A

How conflict will be conducted. What communication process is or will be used to solve issue? What are the steps to stay out of future conflict?
ie equal talk time, consensus vs voting, not allowing the children to speak.