Paradigms of Interdependence

Question 1

How can effective interdependence be built?

Answer 1

Only on a foundation of true independence.

Question 2

What is the relationship between Private Victory and Public Victory? What mathematical analogy does Covey draw?

Answer 2

Private Victory precedes Public Victory; algebra comes before calculus.

Question 3

What do relationships require?

Answer 3

The maturity and strength of character to maintain them.

Question 4

What did the man at the seminar on the Oregon coast say to Covey? Why? Why, in turn, was this the case? What lesson did Covey convey regarding this?

Answer 4

“You know, Stephen, I really don’t enjoy coming to these seminars.”

All he could do is sit and worry about the grilling he was going to get from his wife that night on the phone.

He’d met his wife at such a seminar when he was married to someone else.

Covey says he was into the quick fix and you can’t talk his way out of problems you behave your way into.

Question 5

What paradigm shift does Covey say we’re dealing with “here,” with relationships and paradigms of interdependence? What rhyming analogy does he draw?

Answer 5

A very dramatic and very fundamental one. You may try to lubricate your social interactions with personality techniques and skills, but in the process you may truncate the vital character base.

“You can’t have the fruits without the roots.”

Question 6

What does Covey say about what some people say, that you have to like yourself before you can like others.

Answer 6

That the idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial way.

Question 7

Where does Covey say real self-respect comes from? Where does he say that is?

Answer 7

Dominion over self, from true independence. That’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3.

Question 8

What does Covey say about the relationship between independence and interdependence?

Answer 8

Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.

Question 9

What does Covey say about human relations skills and relationships regarding independence and character?

Answer 9

It’s foolish to try to develop human relations skills unless we are willing to achieve real independence. You can try, and things might work when things are easy, but they won’t stick together when things get tough.

The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. If our words and actions come from superficial human relations techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the Character Ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence.

Question 10

What techniques and skills really make a difference in human interaction? Where is the place to begin building any relationship?

Answer 10

The ones that almost naturally flow from a truly independent character. So the place to begin building any relationship is inside ourselves, inside our Circle of Influence, our own character.

Question 11

What does interdependence open up? What else should we remember about interdependence?

Answer 11

Interdependence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep rich, meaningful associations, for geometrically increased productivity, for serving, for contributing, for learning for growing.

But interdependence is also where we feel the greatest pain, the greatest frustration, the greatest roadblocks to happiness and success. And we’re very aware of that pain because it is acute.

Question 12

What does Covey say about chronic and acute pain involved in our personal lives and relationshThe ips?

Answer 12

We can often live for years with the chronic pain of our lack of vision, leadership or management in our personal lives. We feel vaguely uneasy and uncomfortable and occasionally take steps to ease the pain, at least for a time. Because the pain is chronic, we get used to it, we learn to live with it.

But when we have problems in our interactions with other people, we’re very aware of acute pain–it’s often intense, and we want it to go away.

That’s when we try to treat the symptoms with quick fixes and techniques–the Band-Aids of the Personality Ethic. We don’t understand that the acute pain is an outgrowth of the deeper, chronic problem. And until we stop treating the symptoms and start treating the problem, our efforts will only bring counterproductive results. We will only be successful at obscuring the chronic pain even more.

Question 13

What does Covey say about effective interaction with others regarding the earlier story of the goose that lays golden eggs and our earlier definition of effectiveness?

Answer 13

Effectiveness is the P/PC balance, the fundamental concept of the goose and the golden egg.

In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy, the results created by open communication and the positive interaction with others. And to get those eggs on a regular basis, we need to take care of the goose. We need to create and care for the relationships that make those results realities.

Question 14

What metaphor does Covey use to define the P/PC balance in an interdependent relationship?

Answer 14

The Emotional Bank Account.

Question 15

What is the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 15

A metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship.

It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.

Question 16

How does Covey describe how the Emotional Bank Account works?

Answer 16

If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant and effective.

But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then I receive very little flexibility.

Question 17

How does Covey describe the function of marriages (maybe as an example of a close, interdependent relationship) if a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits?

Answer 17

The marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The “fight or flight” response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter ego-destroying legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse.

Question 18

What is the lighthouse in a marriage, “the most intimate, the most potentially rich, joyful, satisfying and productive relationship possible between two people on this earth”?

Answer 18

The P/PC balance

Question 19

What does Covey say about constancy in relationships and constancy of deposits in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 19

Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require our most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. If you suddenly run into an old high school friend you haven’t seen for years, you can pick up right where you left off because the earlier deposits are still there. But your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don’t even know about.

Question 20

In what constant relationship is the need for constant deposits necessary? How does Covey describe a negative version of this relationship? How does he describe a more effective version of it?

Answer 20

Teenagers in the home.

Suppose you have a teenage son and you r normal conversation is something like, “Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. go get a haircut. And don’t forget to take out the garbage!” Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceed the deposits.

Now suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel. You may have the wisdom and the knowledge to help him, but because your account is so overdrawn, he will end up making his decisions from a short range emotional perspective, which may result in many negative long-range consequences.

Question 21

How does Covey describe creating a positive balance in the Emotional Bank Account with a hypothetical teenage son? How does Covey say the boy may respond?

Answer 21

Start making deposits into the relationship. Maybe the opportunity comes up to do him a little kindness–to bring home a magazine on skateboarding, if that’s his interest, or just to walk up to him when he’s working on a project and offer to help. Perhaps you could invite him to go to a movie with you or take him out for some ice cream. Probably the most important deposit you could make would be just to listen, without judging or preaching or reading your own autobiography into what he says. Just listen and seek to understand. Let him feel your concern for him, your acceptance of him as a person.

He may not respond at first. He may even be suspicious. “What’s Dad up to now? What technique is Mom trying on me this time?” But as the deposits keep coming, they begin to add up. That overdrawn balance is shrinking.

Question 22

What does Covey say about the quick fix and building and repairing relationships?

Answer 22

Remember that the quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time. If you become impatient with his apparent lack of response or his seeming ingratitude, you may make huge withdrawals and undo all the good you’ve done. “After all we’ve done for you, the sacrifices we’ve made, how can you be so ungrateful? We try to be nice and you act like this. I can’t believe it!”

It’s hard not to get impatient. It takes character to be proactive, to focus on your Circle of Influence, to nurture growing things, and not “pull up the flowers to see how the roots are coming.”

But there really is no quick fix. Building and repairing relationships are long-term investments.

Question 23

What are the six major deposits in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 23

1. Understanding the Individual
2. Attending to the Little Things
3. Keeping Commitments
4. Clarifying Expectations
5. Showing Personal Integrity
6. Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal

Question 24

How does Covey initially describe the first major deposit, understanding the individual?

Answer 24

Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. you simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another persona until you understand that individual.

Question 25

What two stories does Covey tell of friends of his who understood the individual who they were making deposits with.

Answer 25

Two friends of his and their respective sons.

The first friend’s son liked baseball a lot, so he spent a lot of time and money doing baseball related things with his son. (“Do you like baseball that much?” “No, I like my son that much.”)

The second friend was a college professor whose son wanted to work with his hands. The father was having difficulty relating to his son until they made a miniature Great Wall of China around their house.

Question 26

What does covey say our tendency is, in regard to understanding the individual as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 26

Our tendency is to project out of our own autobiographies what we think other people want or need. We project our intentions on the behavior of others. We interpret what constitutes a deposit based on our own needs and desires, either now or when we were at a similar age or stage in life. If they don’t interpret our effort as a deposit, our tendency is to take it as a rejection of our well intentioned effort and to give up.

Question 27

What does Covey say about The Golden Rule in regard to understanding the individual as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 27

The Golden Rule says to “Do unto others as you would have other do unto you.” While on the surface that could mean to do for them what you would like to have done for you, I think the more essential meaning is to understand them deeply as individuals, the way you would want to be understood, and then to treat them in terms of that understanding. As one successful parent said about raising children, “Treat them the same by treating them differently.”

Question 28

What does Covey say of attending to the little things as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 28

The little kindnesses and courtesies are so important. Small discourtesies, little unkindnesses, little forms of disrespect make large withdrawals. In relationships, the little things are the big things.

Question 29

What story from his own experience does Covey tell about attending to the little things?

Answer 29

One about an evening out with his sons when they were young. In the middle of a movie, Sean, who was four, fell asleep while his brother Stephen, who was six, stayed awake. Covey put a blanket over Sean. Later, Stephen teared up and asked Covey if he would put a blanket over him if he were cold.

Question 30

What does Covey say about the importance of keeping commitments as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 30

There’s probably not a more massive withdrawal than to make a promise that’s important to someone and then not to come through.

Question 31

What does Covey say about situations where, despite his effort, the unexpected comes up, creating a situation where it would be unwise or impossible to keep a promise he’s made?

Answer 31

He values that promise. He either keeps it anyway, or explains the situation thoroughly to the person involved and asks to be released from the promise.

Question 32

What does Covey say about keeping promises in a parent-child relationship?

Answer 32

If you cultivate the habit of always keeping the promises you make, you build bridges of trust that span the gaps of understanding between you and your child. Then, when you child wants to do something you don’t want him to do, and out of your maturity you can see consequences that the child cannot see, you can say, “Son, if you do this, I promise you that this will be the result.” If that child has cultivated trust in your word, in your promises, he will act on your counsel.

Question 33

What example does Covey use to introduce the concept of clarifying expectations as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 33

If your boss and you had different assumptions regarding whose role it was to create a job description and what goals were to be achieved by doing so.

Question 34

What are the two major areas Covey says people should clarify their expectations?

Answer 34

The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.

Question 35

How does Covey describe “many” expectations? What does this mean for relationships?

Answer 35

He says they’re implicit. That’s why it’s so important whenever you come into a new situation to get all the expectations out on the table. People will begin to judge each other through those expectations. And if they feel like their basic expectations have been violated, the reserve of trust is diminished. We create many negative situations by assuming that our expectations are self evident and that they are clearly understood and shared by other people.

Question 36

What does Covey say about personal integrity in regard to showing personal integrity as a deposit in the Emotional Bank Account?

Answer 36

Personal integrity generates trust and is the basis of many different kinds of deposits. Lack of integrity can undermine almost any other effort to create high trust accounts.

Question 37

What is the difference between honesty and integrity?

Answer 37

Integrity includes but goes beyond honesty.

Honesty is telling the truth–in other words, conforming your words to reality.

Integrity is conforming reality to our words–in other words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations.

Question 38

What’s one of the most important ways to manifest integrity? Why is it so important?

Answer 38

Being loyal to those who are not present. It’s important because if you’re not, people will wonder how you talk when they’re not around.

Question 39

When does Covey say (in this chapter) we need to apologize?

Answer 39

When we make withdrawals from the Emotional Bank account.

Question 40

What does Covey say it takes to apologize?

Answer 40

It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one’s heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize.

Question 41

What story does Covey tell of a time he apologized to his son David? How does it turn out?

Answer 41

Covey was in his office at home writing. His son David started pounding on the bathroom door, yelling to be let in. Covey admonishes him, and David went away. Then Covey realizes his other son had been elbowed in the mouth playing football and David had been trying to get a wet towel for him.

David wouldn’t accept his apology because he’d done the same thing the week before. Covey couldn’t talk his way out of a situation he’d behaved himself into.

Question 42

What does Covey say about The Laws of Love and the Laws of Life?

Answer 42

When we make deposits of unconditional love, when we live the primary laws of love, we encourage others to live the primary laws of life. In other words, when we truly love others without condition without strings, we help them feel secure and safe and validated and affirmed in their essential worth, identity, and integrity. Their natural growth process is encouraged. … This does not mean we become permissive or soft. That is itself a massive withdrawal. We counsel, we plead, we set limits and consequences. But we love, regardless.

Question 43

What happens when we violate the primary laws of love–when we attach strings and conditions to the gift of love?

Answer 43

We actually encourage others to violate the primary laws of life. we put them in a reactive, defensive position where they feel they have to prove, “I matter as a person, independent of you.”

In reality, they aren’t independent. They are counter-dependent, which is another form of dependency and is at the lowest end of the Maturity Continuum.

Question 44

What story does Covey tell of a parent showing unconditional love to a child?

Answer 44

Covey’s friend was a dean at a prestigious school. His friend had saved money to send his son to that school. His son refused to go. He felt his father’s love was conditional upon going to the school, so he rebelled. Covey’s friend and his wife went through a rescripting process, accepting their son’s decision not to go. In the end, the son went to the school.

Question 45

What statement did Dag Hammarskjöld make? What does Covey take that to mean?

Answer 45

“It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses.”

Covey takes that to mean that he could devote eight, ten, or twelve hours a day, five, six, or seven days a week to the thousands of people and projects “out there” and still not have a deep, meaningful relationship with his own spouse, with his own teenage son, with his closest working associate. And it would take more nobility of character–more humility, courage, and strength, to rebuild that one relationship than it would to continue putting in all those hours for all those people and causes.

Question 46

What story does Covey tell of where he first came across Hammarskjöld’s statement?

Answer 46

He was working in an organization where there were unclear expectations between the individual who was his right-hand man and himself. He didn’t have the courage to confront their differences regarding role and goal expectations and values. So he worked for a number of months in compromise mode. After he came across Hammarskjöld’s statement, he committed himself to rebuilding the relationship.

He had to steel himself for what lay ahead, but when they met, he was surprised to discover the man had been going through the same process. Nevertheless, their administrative styles were considerably different, but over the course of sever visits, they were able to confront and resolve the deeper issues. Their working relationship improved.

Question 47

What does Covey mean when he says P problems are PC opportunities?

Answer 47

In an interdependent situation, every P problem is a PC opportunity means it’s a chance to build the Emotional Bank Accounts that significantly affect interdependent production.