Habit 4: Think Win/Win (incomplete)

Question 1

What story about cooperation and competition does covey start the chapter with?

Answer 1

Covey was once asked to work with a company whose president was very concerned about the lack of cooperation among his subordinates. The president of the company thought the problem was with the people–that they were selfish and quarrelsome–but Covey asked if it was with the paradigm. Covey asked the president what rewards there were for not cooperating and the president said he thought there weren’t any, but Covey looked behind a curtain in the president’s office where there was a horse race track with a picture of each manager’s face superimposed on a horse’s head with a picture of Bermuda, where the leading manager could win a trip. Covey explained that every week the president would give a speech touting the benefits of cooperation, but then he would pull the curtain back and show them the chart.

Covey says that the problem with the people in the company was from a flawed paradigm. The president wanted a quick fix.

Covey thinks that the organization could be changed by changing the informational and reward systems to ones that reinforced the value of cooperation.

Covey says that when you step from independence into interdependence, you step into a leadership role, and that the habit of effective interpersonal leadership is Think Win/Win

Question 2

What are the six paradigms of human interaction?

Answer 2

Win/Win
Win/Lose
Lose/Win
Lose/Lose
Win
Win/Win or No Deal

Question 3

What is Win/Win?

Answer 3

Win/Win is not a technique; it’s a total philosophy of human interaction. In fact, it is one of six paradigms of interaction.

Question 4

Describe the Win/Win paradigm.

Answer 4

Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win/Win means that agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a win/Win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan. Win/Win sees life as a cooperative, not a competitive arena.

Question 5

What is the Win/Win paradigm based on?

Answer 5

Win/Win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others.

Question 6

What is Win/Win a belief in?

Answer 6

Win/Win is a belief in the Third Alternative. It’s not your way or my way; it’s a BETTER way, a higher way.

Question 7

What does the paradigm of Win/Lose say?

Answer 7

“If I win, you lose.”

Question 8

What kind of leadership style is Win/Lose?

Answer 8

In leadership style, Win/Lose is the authoritarian approach: “I get my way; you don’t get yours.” Win/Lose people are prone to use position, power, credentials, possessions, or personality to get their way.

Question 9

How does Covey say most people have been scripted into the Win/Lose paradigm?

Answer 9

Most people have been deeply scripted in the Win/Lose mentality since birth. First and most important of the powerful forces at work is the family. When one child is compared with another–when patience, understanding or love is given or withdrawn on the basis of such comparisons– people are into Win/Lose thinking. Whenever love is given on a conditional basis, when someone has to earn love, what’s being communicated to them is that they are not intrinsically valuable or lovable. Value does not lie inside them, it lies outside. It’s in comparison with somebody else or against some expectation.

And what happens to a young mind and heart, highly vulnerable, highly dependent upon the support and emotional affirmation of the parents, in the face of conditional love? The child is molded, shaped, and programmed in the Win/Lose mentality.

Question 10

Besides the family, what is another powerful scripting agency in the Win/Lose paradigm? Explain it.

Answer 10

The peer group. A child first wants acceptance from his parents and then from his peers, whether they be siblings or friends. And we all know how cruel peers can sometimes be. They often accept or reject totally on the basis of conformity to their expectations and norms, providing additional scripting toward Win/Lose.

Question 11

How does the academic world reinforce Win/Lose scripting?

Answer 11

The “normal distribution curve” basically says that you got an “A” because someone else got a “C.” It interprets an individual’s value by comparing him or her to everyone else. No recognition is given to intrinsic value; everyone is extrinsically defined.

What this kind of comparative information doesn’t give is how hard a student is trying; people are not graded against their potential or against the full use of their present capacity. They are graded in relation to other people. Cooperation, in fact, is associated with cheating.

Question 12

How does law act as a scripting agent in Win/Lose?

Answer 12

We live in a litigious society. The first thing many people think about when they get into trouble is suing someone, taking them to court, “winning” at someone else’s expense. But defensive minds are neither creative nor cooperative.

Question 13

Where is there a place for the Win/Lose paradigm?

Answer 13

In truly competitive and low-trust situations.

Question 14

Where is Win/Lose inappropriate?

Answer 14

Most of life is not a competition .We don’t have to live each day competing with our spouse, our children, our coworkers, our neighbors, and our friends. “Who’s winning in your marriage?” is a ridiculous question. If both people aren’t winning, both are losing.

Most of life is an interdependent, not an independent, reality. Most results you want depend on cooperation between you and others. And the Win/Lose mentality is dysfunctional to that cooperation.

Question 15

Describe Lose/Win.

Answer 15

Lose/Win is worse than Win/Lose because it has no standards–no demands, no expectations, no vision. People who think Lose/Win are usually quick to please or appease. They seek strength from popularity or acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by the ego strength of others.

Question 16

What is Lose/Win in negotiation and leadership style?

Answer 16

In negotiation, Lose/Win is seen as capitulation–giving in or giving up. In leadership style, it’s permissiveness or indulgence. Lose/Win means being a nice guy, even if “nice guys finish last.”

Question 17

How do Win/Lose and Lose/Win people interact?

Answer 17

Win/Lose people love Lose/Win people because they can feed on them. they love their weaknesses–they take advantage of them. Such weaknesses complement their strengths.

Question 18

What is a problem with Lose/Win?

Answer 18

The problem is that Lose/Win people bury a lot of feelings. And unexpressed feelings never die: they’re buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways. Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly of the respiratory, nervous, and circulatory systems often are the reincarnation o cumulative resentment, deep disappointment and disillusionment repressed buy the Lose/Win mentality. Disproportionate rage or anger, overreaction to minor provocation, and cynicism are other embodiments of suppressed emotion.

People who are constantly repressing, not transcending, feelings towards a higher meaning find that it affects the quality of their self-esteem and eventually the quality of their relationships with others.

Question 19

Briefly compare and contrast Win/Lose and Lose/Win.

Answer 19

Both Win/Lose and Lose/Win are weak positions, based on personal insecurities. In the short run, Win/Lose will produce more results because it draws on the often considerable strengths and talents of the people at the top. Lose/Win is weak and chaotic from the outset.

Question 20

How does Covey describe swinging back and forth from Win/Lose to Lose/Win?

Answer 20

Many executives, managers, and parents swing back and forth as if on a pendulum, from Win/Lose inconsideration to Lose/Win indulgence. When they can’t stand confusion and lack of structure, direction, expectation, and discipline any longer, they swing back to Win/Lose–until guilt undermines their resolve and drives them back to Lose/Win–until anger and frustration drive them back to Win/Lose again.

Question 21

How does Lose/Lose come about?

Answer 21

When two win/Lose people get together–that is, when two determined, stubborn, ego-invested individuals interact–the result will be Lose/Lose. Both will lose. Both will become vindictive and want to “get back” or “get even,” blind to the fact that murder is suicide, that revenge is a two-edged sword.

Question 22

What story of a Lose/Lose divorce does Covey tell?

Answer 22

One in which the husband was directed by the judge to sell the assets and turn over half the proceeds to his ex-wife. In compliance, he sold a car with over $10,000 for $50 and gave $25 to his wife. When the wife protested, the court clerk checked on the situation and discovered that the husband was proceeding in the same manner systematically through all of the assets.

Question 23

What are two kinds of people that think Lose/Lose?

Answer 23

Some people become so centered on a an enemy, so totally obsessed with the behavior of another person that they become blind to everything except their desire for that person to lose, even if it means losing themselves. Lose/Lose is the philosophy of adversarial conflict, the philosophy of war.

Lose/Lose is also the philosophy of the highly dependent person without inner direction who is miserable and thinks everyone else should be, too. “If nobody ever wins, perhaps being a loser isn’t for so bad.”

Question 24

Describe the Win mentality.

Answer 24

People with the Win mentality don’t necessarily want someone else to lose. That’s irrelevant. What matters is that they get what they want.

Question 25

Describe conditions where the Win mentality comes about.

Answer 25

When there is no sense of contest or competition, Win is probably the most common approach in everyday negotiation. A persona with the Win mentality thinks in terms of securing his own ends–and leaving it to others to secure theirs.

Question 26

Which does Covey say is the most effective of the first five philosophies discussed so far? (Win/Win, Win/Lose, Lose/Win, Lose/Lose, and Win)

Answer 26

It depends.

If you want to win a football game, that means the other team loses. If you work in a regional office that is miles away from another regional office, and you don’t have any functional relationship between the offices, you may want to compete in a Win/Lose situation to stimulate business. However, you would not want to set up a Win/Lose situation like the “Race to Bermuda” contest within a company or in a situation where you need cooperation among people or groups of people to achieve maximum success.

If you value a relationship and the issue isn’t really that important, you may want to go for Lose/Win in some circumstances to genuinely affirm the other person. f”What I want isn’t as important to me as my relationship with you.l Lets do it your way this time.” You might also go for Lose/Win if you feel the expense of time and effort to achieve a win of any kind would violate other higher values. Maybe it just isn’t worth it.

There are circumstances in which you would want to Win, and you wouldn’t be highly concerned with the relationship of that win to others. If your child’s life were in danger, for example, you might be peripherally concerned about other people and circumstances. But saving that life would be supremely important.

Most situations, in fact, are part of an interdependent reality, and then Win/Win is really the only viable alternative of the five.

Win/Lose is not viable because, although I appear to win in a confrontation with you, your feelings, you attitudes toward me and our relationship have been affected. If I am a supplier to your company for example, and I win on my terms in a particular negotiation, I may get what I want now. But will you come to me again? My short-term Win will really be a long-term Lose if I don’t get your repeat business. So an interdependent Win/Lose is really Lose/Lose in the long run.

If we come up with a Lose/Win, you may appear to get what you want for the moment. But how will that affect my attitude about working with you, about fulfilling the contract? I my not feel as anxious to please you. I may carry battle scars with me into any future negotiations. My attitude about you and your company may be spread as I associate with others in the industry. So we’re into Lose/Lose again. Lose/Lose obviously isn’t viable in any context.

And if I focus on my own Win and don’t even consider your point of view, there’s no basis for any kind of productive relationship.

And if I focus on my own Win and don’t even consider your point of view, there’s no basis for any kind of productive relationship.

In the long run, if it isn’t a win for both of us, we both lose. That’s why Win?win is the only real alternative in interdependent realities.

Question 27

Summarize the story Covey tells of his interaction with a client, a president of a large chain of retail stores who was skeptical of Win/Win.

Answer 27

The president thought Win/Win was idealistic, that realistically the business world was Win/Lose. They agreed that you can’t go Win/Lose with your customers or you’d lose your customers. You can’t go Lose/Win with your customers or you’d lose your store with no profitability. As they considered various alternatives, Win/Win seemed to be the only realistic approach. The president supposed that was true with the customers, but it was different with suppliers. Covey pointed out that the president’s company was their suppliers’ customer. The president pointed out that they tried to go Win/Win with the supplier but lost significantly. Covey pointed out that this was Lose/Win, not Win/Win. They explored the result of lose win–negative feelings and a damaged relationship–and realized it was really a loss for both parties. It seemed that if the president had communicated longer, listened more, and expressed his point of view with more courage, he would have continued in the Win/Win spirit until a solution was reached they both felt good about. And that solution, that Third Alternative, would have been synergistic–probably something neither of them had thought of on his own.

Question 28

When might individuals go for an even higher expression of Win/Win? What could they go for?

Answer 28

When they can’t come up with a synergistic solution–one that was agreeable to both. They could have gone for an even higher expression of Win/Win–Win/Win or No Deal.

Question 29

What does No Deal mean?

Answer 29

No Deal basically means that if we can’t find a solution that would benefit us both, we agree to disagree agreeably–No Deal. No expectations have been created, no performance contracts established. I don’t hire you or we don’t take on a particular assignment together because it’s obvious that our values or our goals are going in opposite directions.

Question 30

What can you honestly say with No Deal as an option?

Answer 30

“I only want to go for Win/Win. I want to win, and I want you to win. I wouldn’t want to get my way and have you not feel good about it, because downstream it would eventually surface and create a withdrawal. On the other hand, I don’t think you would feel good if you got your way and I gave in. So let’s work for a Win/Win. Let’s really hammer it out. And if we can’t find it, then let’s agree that we won’t make a deal at all. It would be better not to deal than to live with a decision that wasn’t right for us both. Then maybe another time we might be able to get together.”

Question 31

What story does Covey tell of a business person who put Win/Win or No Deal into effect?

Answer 31

The president of a small software company said that they had a five-year contract with a bank. The president of the bank was excited about the contract but the employees weren’t. About a month later, the new bank president came to the president of the software company and said he and his employees weren’t comfortable with the contract. In keeping with the principle of Win/Win or No Deal, the president of the software company gave them back their deposit and cancelled the contract even though he had every legal right to enforce it. The president of the software company felt like he walked away from $84,000. Three months later, the president of the bank called back with an offer for a contract for $240,000 of services.

Question 32

What is the effect of settling for less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality?

Answer 32

Anything less than Win/Win in an interdependent reality is a poor second best that will have impact in the long-term relationship. The cost of that impact needs to be carefully considered. If you can’t reach a true Win/Win, you’re very often better off to go for No Deal.

Question 33

What story does Covey tell of a friend whose family has been involved in singing together for several years and sets up a Win/Win or No Deal situation?

Answer 33

Covey had a friend whose family had been involved in singing together for several years. When they were young, she arranged the music, made the costumes, accompanied them on the piano and directed the performances.

As the children grew older, their taste in music began to change and they wanted to have more say in what they performed and what they wore. They became less responsive to direction.

Because she had years of experience in performing herself and felt closer to the needs of the older people at the rest homes where they planned to perform, she didn’t feel that many of the ideas they were suggesting would be appropriate. At the same time,m however, she recognized their need to express themselves and to be part of the decision-making process.

So she set up a Win/Win or No Deal. She told them she wanted to arrive at an agreement that everyone felt good about–or they would simply find other ways to enjoy their talents. As a result, everyone felt free to express his or her feelings and ideas as they worked to set up a Win/Win agreement, knowing that whether or not they could agree, there would be no emotional strings.

Question 34

When is Win/Win or No Deal most realistic? When might it not be a viable option? When can that cause problems? What tends to happen in these situations? How can this be avoided?

Answer 34

the Win/Win or No Deal approach is most realistic at the BEGINNING of a business relationship or enterprise. In a continuing business relationship, No Deal may not be a viable option, which can create serious problems, especially for family business or businesses that are begun initially on the basis of friendship.

In an effort to preserve the relationship, people sometimes go on for years making one compromise after another, thinking Win/Lose or Lose?Win even while talking Win/Win. This creates serious problems for the people and for the business, particularly if the competition operates on Win/Win and synergy.

Without No Deal, many such businesses simply deteriorate and either fail or have to be turned over to professional managers. Experience shows that it is often better in setting up a family business or a business between friends to acknowledge the possibility of No Deal downstream and to establish some kind of buy/sell agreement so that the business can prosper without permanently damaging the relationship.

Question 35

What are some relationships where No Deal is not viable? What happens in these situations? Is this typical?

Answer 35

Covey says “I wouldn’t abandon my child or my spouse and go for No Deal (it would be better, if necessary, to go for compromise–a low form of Win/Win). But in many cases, it is possible to go into negotiation with a full Win/Win or No Deal attitude. And the freedom in that attitude is incredible.”

Question 36

Describe Think Win/Win in relation to interpersonal leadership and mutual benefit.

Answer 36

Think Win/Win is the habit of interpersonal leadership. It involves the exercise of each of the unique human endowments–self-awareness, imagination, conscience, and independent will–in our relationships with others. It involves mutual learning, mutual influence, mutual benefits.

It takes great courage as well as consideration to create these mutual benefits, particularly if we’re interacting with others who are deeply scripted in Win/Lose.

That is why this habit involves principles of interpersonal leadership. Effective interpersonal leadership requires the vision, the proactive initiative and the security, guidance, wisdom, and power that come from a principle-centered personal leadership.

Question 37

What are the five interdependent dimensions of life that Win/Win embraces?

Answer 37

1. Character
2. Relationships
3. Agreements
4. Supportive Systems
5. Processes

Question 38

Describe the interpersonal relationship between the five interdependent dimensions of life that Win/Win embraces.

Answer 38

Win/Win starts with character and moves toward relationship, out of which flow agreements. It is nurtured in an environment where structure and systems are based on Win/Win. And it involves process; we cannot achieve Win/Win ends with Win/Lose or Lose/Win means.

Question 39

Describe the diagram showing how the five interdependent dimensions of life that Win/Win embraces relate to each other.

Answer 39

(picture to be added)

Character, Relationships, and Agreements are represented by three equilateral triangles of equal size arranged in a line, point-up, touching each other at the angles on the side of their bases. The Character triangle is on the left, Relationships is in the middle, and Agreements is on the right.

An arrow points from Character to Relationships and from Relationships to Agreements.

In a wide, short rectangle below the three triangles are Supportive Systems and Processes.

Question 40

Describe the Character dimension of Win/Win

Answer 40

Character is the foundation of Win/Win, and everything else builds on that foundation. There are three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

Question 41

Name the three character traits essential to the Win/Win paradigm.

Answer 41

1. Integrity
2. Maturity
3. Abundance mentality

Question 42

Describe integrity.

Answer 42

We’ve already defined integrity as the value we place on ourselves. Habits 1, 2, and 3 help us develop and maintain integrity. As we clearly identify our values and proactively organize and execute around those values on a daily basis, we develop self-awareness and independent will by making and keeping meaningful promises and commitments.

There’s no way to go for a Win in our lives if we don’t even know, in a deep sense, what constitutes a Win–what is, in fact, harmonious with our innermost values. And if we can’t make and keep commitments to ourselves as well as to others, our commitments become meaningless. We know it; others know it. They sense duplicity and become guarded. There’s no foundation of trust and Win/Win becomes an ineffective superficial technique. Integrity is the cornerstone in the foundation.

Question 43

Describe Maturity.

Answer 43

Maturity is THE BALANCE BETWEEN COURAGE AND CONSIDERATION. If a person can express his feeling and convictions with courage balanced with consideration for the feelings and convictions of another person, he is mature, particularly if the issue is very important to both parties.

Question 44

What is notable about maturity and psychological tests used for hiring?

Answer 44

If you examine many of the psychological tests used for hiring, promoting, and training purposes, you will find that they are designed to evaluate this kind of maturity. Whether it’s called the ego/strength/empathy balance, the self confidence/respect for others balance, the concern for people concern for tasks balance, “I’m okay, you’re okay” in transactional analysis language, or 9.1, 1.9, 5.5, 9.9 in management grid language,–the quality sought for is the balance of what I call courage and consideration.

Question 45

How does the theory of human interaction, management, and leadership regard the quality of maturity?

Answer 45

Respect for this quality is deeply ingrained in the theory of human interaction management and leadership. It is a deep embodiment of the P/PC balance. While courage may focus on getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders. The basic task of leadership is to increase the standard of living and the quality of life for all stakeholders.

Question 46

What does Covey say about thinking in dichotomies in regard to courage and consideration?

Answer 46

Many people think in dichotomies, in either/or terms. They think if you’re nice, you’re not tough. But Win/Win is nice… and tough. It’s twice as tough as Win/Lose. To go for Win/Win, you not only have to be nice, you have to be courageous. You not only have to be empathic, you have to be confident. you not only have to be considerate and sensitive, you have to be brave. To do that, to achieve that balance between courage and consideration is the essence of real maturity and is fundamental to Win/Win.

Question 47

What does Covey say about being high on courage and low on consideration?

Answer 47

If I’m high on courage and low on consideration, how will I think? Win/Lose. I’ll be strong and ego bound. I’ll have the courage of my convictions, but I won’t be very considerate of yours.

To compensate for my lack of internal maturity and emotional strength, I might borrow strength from my position and power, or from m y credentials, my seniority, my affiliations.

Question 48

What does Covey say about being high on consideration and low on courage?

Answer 48

If I’m high on consideration and low on courage, I’ll think Lose/Win. I’ll be so considerate of your convictions and desires that I won’t have the courage to express and actualize my own.

Question 49

How does Covey conclude the section on maturity?

Answer 49

High courage and consideration are both essential to Win/Win. It is the balance that is the mark of real maturity. If I have ti, I can listen, I can empathically understand, but I can also courageously confront.

Question 50

How does Covey introduce the Abundance Mentality?

Answer 50

The third character trait essential to Win/Win is the Abundance Mentality, the paradigm that there is plenty out there for everybody.

Question 51

What does Covey say about the Scarcity Mentality?

Answer 51

NEEDS TO BE SUMMARIZED

Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there were only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The Scarcity Mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.

People with the Scarcity Mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit–even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people–even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends and associates. It’s almost as if something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or windfall gain or has remarkable success or achievement.

Although they might verbally express happiness for others’ success, inwardly they are eating their hearts out. Their sense of worth comes from being compared, and someone else’s success, to some degree, means their failure. Only so many people can be “A” students; only one person can be “number one.” To “win” simply means to “beat.”

Often, people with a Scarcity Mentality harbor secret hopes that others might suffer misfortune–not terrible misfortune, but acceptable misfortune that would keep them “in their place.” They’re always comparing, always competing. They give their energies to possessing things or other people in order to increase their sense of worth.

They want other people to be the way they want them to be. They often want to clone them, and they surround themselves with “yes” people–people who won’t challenge them, people who are weaker than they.

It’s difficult for people with a Scarcity Mentality to be members of a complementary team. They look on differences as signs of insubordination and disloyalty.

Question 52

How does Covey contrast the Abundance Mentality with his description of the Scarcity Mentality?

Answer 52

The Abundance mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity.

Question 53

What does Covey say about the Abundance Mentality and turning outward of certain rewards of Habits 1, 2, and 3?

Answer 53

The Abundance Mentality takes the personal joy, satisfaction, and and fulfillment of Habits 1, 2, and 3 and turns it outward, appreciating the uniqueness, the inner direction, the proactive nature of others. It recognizes the unlimited possibilities for positive interactive growth and development, creating new Third Alternatives.

Question 54

What does Covey say about Public Victory and other people?

Answer 54

Public Victory does not mean victory over other people. It means success in effective interaction that brings mutually beneficial results to everyone involved. Public Victory means working together, communicating together, making things happen together that even the same people couldn’t make happen by working independently. And public Victory is an outgrowth of the Abundance Mentality paradigm.

A character rich in integrity, maturity, and the Abundance Mentality has a genuineness that goes far beyond technique, or lack of it, in human interaction.

Question 55

What does Covey say he’s found helpful to Win/Lose people in developing a Win/Win character?

Answer 55

One thing I have found particularly helpful to Win/Lose people in developing a Win/Win character is to associate with some model or mentor who really thinks Win/Win. When people are deeply scripted in Win/Lose or other philosophies and regularly associate with others who are likewise scripted, they don’t have much opportunity to see and experience the Win/Win philosophy in action. So i recommend reading literature, such as the inspiring biography of Anwar Sadat, IN SEARCH OF IDENTITY, and seeing movies like CHARIOTS OF FIRE or plays like LES MISERABLES that expose you to models of Win/Win.

But remember: If we search deeply enough within ourselves–beyond the scripting, beyond the learned attitudes and behaviors–the real validation of Win/Win, as well as every other correct principle, is in our own lives.

Question 56

Describe the Relationships dimension of the five dimensions of life that Win/Win embraces.

Answer 56

From the foundation of character, we build and maintain Win/Win relationships. The trust, the Emotional Bank Account, is the essence of Win/Win. Without trust, the best we can do is compromise; without trust, we lack the credibility for open, mutual learning and communication and real creativity.

But if our Emotional Bank Account is high, credibility is no longer an issue. Enough deposits have been made so that you know and I know that we deeply respect each other. We’re focused on the issues, not on personalities or positions.

Because we trust each other, we’re open. We put our cards on the table. Even though we see things differently, I know that you’re willing to listen with respect while I describe the young woman to you, and you know that I’ll treat your description of the old woman with the same respect. We’re both committed to try to understand each other’s point of view deeply and to work together for the Third Alternative, the synergistic solution, that will be a better answer for all of us.

Question 57

Describe a relationship where the Emotional Bank Accounts are high

Answer 57

A relationship where bank accounts are high and both parties are deeply committed to Win/Win is the ideal springboard for tremendous synergy (Habit 6). That relationship neither makes the issues any less real or important, nor eliminates the differences in perspective. But it does eliminate the negative energy normally focused on differences in personality and position and creates a positive, cooperative energy focused on thoroughly understanding the issues and resolving them in a mutually beneficial way.

Question 58

What if a relationship with a high Emotional Bank Account isn’t there? What if you have to work out an agreement with someone who hasn’t even heard of Win/Win and is deeply scripted in Win/Lose or some other philosophy?

Answer 58

Dealing with Win/Lose is the real test of Win/Win. Rarely is Win/Win easily achieved in any circumstance. Deep issues and fundamental differences have to be dealt with. But it is much easier when both parties are aware of and committed to it and where there is a high Emotional Bank Account in the relationship.

When you’re dealing with a person who is coming from a paradigm of Win/Lose, the relationship is still the key. The place to focus is on your Circle of Influence. You make deposits into the Emotional Bank Account through genuine courtesy, respect, and appreciation for that person and for the other point of view. You stay longer in the communication process. You listen more, you listen in greater depth. You express yourself with greater courage. You aren’t reactive. You go deeper inside yourself for strength of character to be proactive. You keep hammering it out until the other person begins to realize that you genuinely want the resolution to be a real win for both of you. That very process is a tremendous deposit in the Emotional Bank Account.

And the stronger you are–the more genuine your character, the higher your level of proactivity, the more committed you really are to Win/Win–the more powerful your influence will be with that other person. This is the real test of interpersonal leadership. It goes beyond TRANSACTIONAL leadership, transforming the individuals involved as well as the relationship.

Question 59

What happens if you can’t convince someone with Win/Win?

Answer 59

Because Win/Win is a principle people can validate in their own lives, you will be able to bring most people to a realization that they will win more of what they want by going for what you both want. But there will be a few who are so deeply embedded in the Win/Lose mentality that they just won’t think Win/Win. So remember that No Deal is always an option. Or you may occasionally choose to go for the low form of Win/Win–compromise.

Question 60

Do all decisions need to be Win/Win, even when the Emotional Bank Account is high?

Answer 60

It’s important to realize that not all decision sneed to be Win/Win, even when the Emotional Bank Account is high. Again, the key is the relationship. If you and I worked together, for example, and you were to come to me and say, “Stephen, I know you won’t like this decision. I don’t have time to explain it to you, let alone get you involved. There’s a good possibility you’ll think it’s wrong. But will you support it?”

If you had a positive Emotional Bank Account with me, of course I’d support it. I’d hope you were right and I was wrong. I ‘d work to make your decision work.

But if the Emotional Bank Account weren’t there, and I were reactive, I wouldn’t really support it. I might say I would to your face, but behind your back I wouldn’t be very enthusiastic. I wouldn’t make the investment necessary to make it succeed. “It didn’t work,” I’d say. “So what do you want me to do now?”

If I were overreactive I might even torpedo your decision and do what I could to make sure others did too. Or I might become “maliciously obedient” and do exactly and only what you tell me to do, accepting no responsibility for results.