Relationship Stresses & Strains

Question 1

what are some common stresses and strains in relationships?

Answer 1

• hurt feelings, ostracism, jealousy, lying, betrayal

- forgiveness may come afterwards

Question 2

relational value

Answer 2

• Degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important
• Painful when our relational value is lower than we like it to be

Question 3

degrees of acceptance

Answer 3

• maximal inclusion
• active inclusion
• passive inclusion

Question 4

degrees of acceptance: maximal inclusion

Answer 4

• Others seek us out and go out of their way to interact with us
• Rare
• Ex. If your friend is having a party and you can’t make it, they’ll change the date

Question 5

degrees of acceptance: active inclusion

Answer 5

• Others want us and welcome us, but don’t go to lengths to be with us
• Most likely to experience
• Ex. if your friend is having a party and you can’t make it, they’ll be sad, but the party will go on without you

Question 6

degrees of acceptance: passive inclusion

Answer 6

• Others allow us to be included
• Low priority
• Ex. you weren’t invited to the party, but you come as a plus-one with a friend who got invited

Question 7

4 degrees of rejection

Answer 7

• Ambivalence: others don’t care whether we’re included or not
• • Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, say hi, etc.
• Passive exclusion: others ignore us, but don’t avoid us
• • Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, but don’t really try to talk to us
• Active exclusion: intentional - avoid us, tolerating our presence only when necessary
• • Ex. we show up at the party and they let us in, but try to avoid us
• Maximal exclusion: complete rejection - banish us and send us away
• • Ex. we show up at the party and they won’t let us in

Question 8

hurt feelings

Answer 8

• Based on how accepted or rejected we feel by others (related to their evaluations of us)
• Individuals are sensitive to small changes in acceptance
• Feel better about ourselves as others move from ambivalence towards wanting us around

Question 9

hurt feelings: Leary et al study

Answer 9

• People talking on the phone with someone else, then given random scores that were supposed to represent the acceptance from the person they talked to
• Self-esteem increases sharply with increasing acceptance from others (plateau around 8/10 → just as good as a 9 or 10)
• Any rejection at all causes our self-esteem to bottom out (plateau around 3/10 → just as painful as a 1 or 2)

Question 10

relational devaluation

Answer 10

• Occurs when we encounter apparent decreases in others’ regard for us
• Causes hurt feelings (ex. Sadness, anger)
• • Can be just as painful as physical pain (in fMRI, parts of brain that fire for physical pain also fire when they see pictures of exes; pain relievers like Tylenol and Advil reduce post-break-up pain)
• Mild rejection can feel as bad as more extreme rejections

Question 11

ostracism

Answer 11

• Someone is intentionally ignoring us
• Stressful, confusing, and we wonder why we’re being ignored → display physical signs of stress
• Threatens our need to belong → damages feelings of self-worth and reduces perceived self-control during interactions

Question 12

how does ostracism affect people differently?

Answer 12

• People with high self-esteem:
• • Unlikely to put up with it
• • End the relationship
• • Experience less silent treatment
• People with low self-esteem:
• • More likely to carry a grudge and ostracize others in return
• • Stay in the relationship and be spiteful
• • Experience more silent treatment

Question 13

what can we do about ostracism?

Answer 13

• Take it seriously (happens intentionally and unintentionally)
• Take the other person’s perspective (cause of ostracism = self-protection)
• Stand up (when you feel confident and calm, talk to the person

Question 14

what is jealousy?

Answer 14

• Confused state of hurt, anger, and fear that results from the threat of losing what we already have (a relationship that we don’t want to give up)
• Often confused with envy (when we wish we had what another person has; characterized by a humiliating longing for another person’s possessions)

Question 15

2 types of jealousy

Answer 15

• Reactive jealousy:
• • When someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship
• • Can be past, present, or anticipated
• • An actual, realistic danger
• Suspicious jealousy:
• • When one’s partner hasn’t misbehaved, but you’re suspicious of them
• • Suspicions are unfounded and do not fit the facts at hand
• • Leads to behaviours like snooping, controlling, and manipulation

Question 16

what things don’t increase likelihood of being jealous?

Answer 16

• gender (men and women don’t differ in their jealous tendencies)
• agreeableness (being cooperative and trusting - less likely to be jealous)

Question 17

what factors make us more prone to jealousy?

Answer 17

• high dependence on a relationship: feeling like you need a partner because your alternatives are poor (ie. the person you’re dating is the only person you could ever be with)
• high feelings of inadequacy (worry that you don’t meet partner’s expectations)
• attachment styles: (insecure and preoccupied - seek closeness with partner, but worried that partner doesn’t love you enough)
• personality traits: people high in neuroticism (worry about things; more likely to be jealous)

Question 18

who gets us jealous?

Answer 18

• Rivalry from a friend (more upsetting than similar behaviour from a stranger)
• Our partner starts expressing renewed interest in their ex-partner
• Romantic rivals:
• • Have high mate value (ie. wealth, talent, attractiveness) and make us look bad by comparison (ex. Men are jealous of other men who are self-confident)
• • Overestimating the desirability of the competition → increased distress

Question 19

what can we do about jealousy?

Answer 19

• Recognize that you’re jealous → label/name it
• Have conversations about jealousy (people tend to avoid/suppress it because it feels taboo; society doesn’t tolerate it, but it’s a normal emotion we all experience)
• Learn from your jealousy → could be a wake up call for your relationship or a sign that something isn’t right
• Let it go and manage emotions healthfully
• Focus on your positive traits rather than continuing to focus on your weaknesses

Question 20

4 ways to manage jealous emotions healthfully

Answer 20

• Deep breathing
• New thoughts: “I don’t need this emotion”
• Practice mindfulness
• Journalling

Question 21

deception vs. lying

Answer 21

• Deception: intentional behaviour that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue (ie. lying)
• Lying: people knowingly make statements that contradict the truth; example of a deceptive behaviour

Question 22

why do we lie?

Answer 22

• Lies are self-serving or benefit the liar
• Help us avoid embarrassment and guilt
• Due to obligation
• Seeking approval or material gain
• ¼ of lies are told to benefit others (ie. protecting their feelings, advance their interests → misrepresent the truth when brutal honesty would hurt the other person’s feelings)
• • Lies that promote friendly and polite interactions are more acceptable

Question 23

how do we lie?

Answer 23

• Conceal info, divert attention, or tell half-truths

- On average, most of us tell one meaningful big lie each week (7% tell 3 big lies a day)

Question 24

who do we lie to?

Answer 24

• People we have intimate relationships with

- - 97% of respondents lied to their lovers in the last week

Question 25

Deceiver’s distrust

Answer 25

• When we lie to others, we begin to see the recipient of the lies as less honest and trustworthy
• Liars assume that other people are like them (feel better about themselves when we believe others also lie)

Question 26

can you tell if someone is lying?

Answer 26

• No clear-cut clues
• • But, pay attention to:
• – Inconsistencies in what people say
• – Discrepancies between verbal and non-verbal behaviour
• 54% of time, we can tell truth from lies
• truth bias often gets in the way

Question 27

truth bias

Answer 27

Assume that partners are usually telling the truth → impedes our ability to figure out whether people are lying or telling the truth

Question 28

betrayal

Answer 28

• Disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trust
• Don’t expect this to happen from people we know
• Any action that violates norms of kindness, trust, loyalty, respect, and trustworthiness
• Examples:
• • Snubbing a friend when you’re with others you want to impress
• • Gossiping about a friend behind their back
• • Telling others info given to you in confidence
• • Lied to a friend

Question 29

who is going to betray us?

Answer 29

• No differences between men and women (equally likely to do it)
• People who betray tend to be unhappy, maladjusted, vengeful, resentful, and suspicious of others

Question 30

what can we do about betrayal?

Answer 30

• Name your feelings and resist retaliating
• Take time away
• Examine the betrayal (what is deliberate? Carelessness? Talk to a 3rd party)
• Speak to the person who committed the betrayal (is it over, or can you move forward?)

Question 31

forgiveness

Answer 31

• Occurs when we give up our right to retaliate against, or hold in our “debt”, someone who has wronged us
• Forgiveness is granted by the person who has been wronged
• • Can be carried out alone or with the offender
• • Doesn’t meant that reconciliation could or should occur
• • Offers person freedom from bitterness and resentment

Question 32

When is forgiveness more likely to happen?

Answer 32

• If the offender is genuinely apologetic and feels bad
• • Identifies and understands the hurt caused
• If the victim is able to empathize with the offender
• • Understand how guilty the person feels
• • Cognitive shift: separate the offender from the offence
• If the victim can stop ruminating about the offense

Question 33

barriers to forgiveness for victims

Answer 33

• Overwhelming negative emotions (ie. disrespect, worthlessness)
• Fear that transgression will be repeated
• Fear of appearing weak
• Assumptions like “forgive and forget” → should instead be “forgive and hold that person accountable”
• “Victim” status confers certain benefits which would be lost if one forgives:
• • Right to criticize, retaliate, seek compensation, and hold moral advantage over the perpetrator (ex. “I would never do that to you”)

Question 34

barriers to forgiveness for offender

Answer 34

• Continuing the offense, abuse, or injustice
• Lack of regret or remorse in the offender → absence of explicit acknowledgement of harm done
• Lack of an explicit or genuine apology
• Lack of restitution or restorative action → failure to live the apology or be accountable

Question 35

forgiveness resources

Answer 35

• Websites (ex. Forgiveness challenge, teaching you how to work through forgiveness)
• Psychoeducation books (ex. Book of Forgiving)