The Odd Couple Lines Flashcards
(111 cards)
1
Q
Start of the whole damn play
A
C’mon baby, we need a piece of the pie. Dice Yort …five. One.. two.. three.. four.. five! Science and Nature.
2
Q
RENEE: Oh you’re going to love this. How many times a year does a penguin have sex?
A
Do you know any penguins… intimately?
3
Q
VERA: That shouldn’t be science and nature. That should be gossip.
A
I’ll say they do it only six times.
4
Q
VERA: Why only six times?
A
Didja ever see what they look like?
5
Q
SYLVIE: Go the other way. We take science.
A
Two minutes to go and counting down
6
Q
RENEE: She picked it on my turn. I pick sports.
A
A minute thirty and counting down
7
Q
SYLIE: Dutch Schultz
A
Dutch Schultz was a gangster
8
Q
SYLVIE: Peter Windmill.
VERA: Is that your answer?
A
Sixty seconds and counting down.
9
Q
VERA: I told you that when I sat down, I have to leave by twelve. Mickey, didn’t I say that when I sat down? I have to leave by twelve.
A
I’m really starting to worry about Florence. She’s never been this late before.
10
Q
VERA: I told Harry I’d be home by one at the latest. We’re making an 8 o’clock plane to Florida.
A
Who goes to Florida in July??
11
Q
SYLVIE: Some vacation. Six people in an empty hotel.
A
Maybe Florence is sick. I’m really gettin’ nervous.
12
Q
SYLVIE: Mickey Dikes. I hate this game.
A
Did you know Florence once locked herself in the bathroom overnight in Bloomingdale’s? She wrote out her entire will on half a roll of toilet paper… Time’s almost up.
13
Q
SYLVIE: Olive! We’re running out of time!
OLIVE: Alright what’s the question?
A
You only have four seconds.
14
Q
OLIVE: I love big men in tight pants… Who gets a no-caffeine nutra-sweet Pepsi with one calorie?
A
I do.
15
Q
OLIVE: One can of chemicals for Mickey the Cop.
A
…it’s warm.
16
Q
RENEE: Because her refrigerator’s been broken for two weeks.
OLIVE: So it drips a little, who wants food?
A
Whaddya got?
17
Q
OLIVE: I got brown sandwiches and green sandwiches.
A
What’s the green?
18
Q
OLIVE: It’s either really new cheese or really old meat.
A
…I’ll take the brown.
19
Q
VERA: Oh this is good. What closes when a frog swallows?
SYLVIE: HIS EYES!!! …they close their eyes.
A
That’s right. How did you know that?
20
Q
SYLVIE: I went out with a guy who looked like a frog once.
A
Your turn again. Roll ‘em.
21
Q
SYLVIE: Buffet? Hot diet colas and two sandwiches left out from when you went to high school?
RENEE: One, two, three. Again… sports.
A
What did Forrest Smithson carry in his hands for inspiration at the 1908 Olympics?
22
Q
SYLVIE: If you say that one more time, I’m taking you hostage, I swear to god.
A
Sixty seconds and counting down.
23
Q
OLIVE: He carried a Bible.
VERA: That’s right
RENEE: The woman’s unbelievable.
A
How could you know about the 1908 Olympics?
24
Q
VERA: What’s the strongest muscle in a man’s body?
SYLVIE: Before or after?
A
You’re not still sending Phil money are you?
25
MICK: You're not still sending Phil money are you?
OLIVE: Nah
Yes she does
26
OLIVE: ...a few hundred dollars. Just until he gets straightened out.
He's been trying to get straightened out for 2 years. How *bent* was he?
27
RENEE: I would never support an ex-husband. Not until women are getting equal pay with men.
(w/ sylvie) Right.
28
OLIVE: Hello? Oh my god, Phil. I was just talking about you.
Somebody hide her checkbook.
29
OLIVE: He's whimpering. This is gonna cost me.
Don't give in. Remember the Alamo.
30
OLIVE: Gee, I wish I could help you out, Phil, but I'm broke myself. I just paid the last two years' taxes.
That's it. Stay strong girl. Win it for the Gipper.
31
OLIVE: I have a fatal flaw in my character. Him. Go ahead and shoot me.
If you mean it, I have my gun here.
32
OLIVE: You think I don't know? There's two Spanish fellows in this building are crazy about me. Sexiest guys you ever saw... I must be crazy. Why am I sending a shiftless gambler like Phil seven hundred and fifty dollars?
Hand me my purse. I'll shoot her now.
33
RENEE: What group starred in the movie Rock Around the Clock?
OLIVE: Everybody, all together now!
Bill Haley and the Comets!!!
34
OLIVE: Yeah! God give me another night in the back of a T-Bird. Whoo-hoo!
SYLVIE: Remember Danny Flannigan? Hot! Hot stuff!
He wore size 28 jeans on a size 32 body.
35
OLIVE: Jesus, I hated being seventeen.. until I got to be thirty-five. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
36
OLIVE: The Chubby Checker Fan Club. Hello. Oh, hello, sweetheart. I told you not to call me tonight... I can't talk to you just now... You *know* I do, darling... Alright. Just a minute. Mickey! It's your husband.
I wish you *were* having an affair with him. Then he wouldn't bother *me* all the time. Hello, Stanley. What's wrong? Did you make yourself dinner? ...What'd you make? ...lamb chops? That's very good, Stan.
37
VERA: Your husband can make lamb chops?
He boils them in water. *phone* Who?...No she didn't show up tonight. What's wrong? ... You're kidding! ... How should I know? ... Alright. I will. ... Yes. Goodbye. *not phone* What did I tell you?
38
*post Sidney phone call*
RENEE: What's the matter?
Florence is missing.
39
MICK: Florence is missing.
RENEE: Oh my God.
I told you something was up.
40
SYLVIE: What do you mean missing?
She wasn't home all day today. She canceled her facial appointment and her pedicure. She never showed up for her yoga class and her spiritual advisor. No one knows where she is. Stan just spoke to her husband.
41
OLIVE: Do you know what she carries in her handbag? Tear gas, a siren, and a police radio. If you tap her on the shoulder, a squad car shows up.
I dunno, I have a feeling in my bones she's someplace in trouble right now.
42
SYLVIE: After fourteen years...
VERA: They were such a happy couple
Fourteen years doesn't mean you're a happy couple, it just means you're a *long* couple.
43
SYLVIE: What happened?
OLIVE: The man wants out that's all.
She'll go to pieces. I know Florence, she's going to try something crazy.
44
SYLVIE: She used to say "our marriage will last 100 years", what happened?
OLIVE: She missed by 86 years.
She'll kill herself. You hear what I'm saying? She's going yo go out and try to kill herself.
45
SYLVIE: Will you shut up Mickey? Stop being a policewoman for two minutes. Where'd she go, Olive?
OLIVE: She went out to kill herself.
What'd I tell you?
46
SYLVIE: You mean she actually said 'I'm going out to kill myself'? What'd she do? Leave a note?
OLIVE: No, she sent a telegram.
A suicide telegram???
47
VERA: Oh, I get it she really doesn't want to kill herself, she just wants sympathy.
We get people like her all the time. They crave attention. We have a man who calls us every \Saturday from the top of the George Washington Bridge. We don't even answer.
48
RENEE: Wait a minute, she may be hysterical. Let's play it nice and easy. If we're calm, maybe she'll be calm.
*anything but gently and soothing-like* That's right. That's how they talk to people out on ledges. Gentle and soothing. Like a priest.
49
VERA: What do we say to her?
Nothing. We say nothing. As if we never heard a thing.
50
SYLVIE: Maybe we should notify the police.
What the hell do you think I am, for chrissakes???
51
OLIVE: Are you girls through with this discussion because she could have already died of old age out in the hall. Everybody sit down. Alright, ask us a question.
You have to roll the dice first. Get your category.
52
OLIVE: Who gives a crap what the category is just ask a question.
My mind is too logical. I can't ask a question 'til someone gives me a category.
53
VERA: Should I tell Florence to wait a minute?
OLIVE: Movies! Entertainment! Open the door!
*yoink*
54
FLORENCE: Hello girls.
*noncommittal hey from all*
SYLVIE: Could you repeat the question please?
I didn't ask it yet. Name three actors who played Charlie Chan on the screen.
55
OLIVE: 3 actors who played who?
Charlie Chan! Charlie Chan! How many times do I have to say it. Charlie. Chan.
56
OLIVE: Err, 3 actors who played Charlie Chan. Is that it?
That's it. That's the question. You got it. *kill me now*
57
OLIVE: You mean in the same picture?
How can they play in the same picture. What do they want 3 Charlie Chans in the same goddamn picture for??????
58
VERA: They had 2 Tarzans in the same picture once.
NEVER. NEVER TWO TARZANS IN ONE PICTURE. *STUPID FUCKING BITCH*
59
VERA: One of them *pretended * to be Tarzan.
THEN IT WASN'T TWO TARZAN'S IT WAS ONE TARZAN AND ONE PRETENDING TO *BE* TARZAN
60
RENEE: Alright. Take it easy. Take it easy
OLIVE: Calm down, everyone, alright?
I'm sorry. I can't help it. Everyone makes me nervous.
61
SYLIVE: That's because you make everyone else nervous.
I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'll go kill myself.
62
OLIVE: You'd know this one. Name three actors who played Tarzan in the movies.
CHARLIE CHAN! ****CHARLIE. CHAN****
63
OLIVE: No reason... You gonna be in there long?
FLO: ...As long as it takes.
Are you crazy?? Letting her go in there alone???
64
OLIVE: It's the guest bathroom. There's nothing in there. What's she going to do? Swallow a towel?
She could jump.
65
VERA: That's right. Isn't there a window in there?
OLIVE: It only six inches wide.
She could stick her head out and slam the window on her neck.
66
RENEE: Don't do it Florence, please!
FLO: Don't stop me. Don't try to stop me.
Florence, we're your friends. You can talk to us.
67
FLO: I can't live without him. There's no point in going on.
*hijinks*
68
RENEE: You didn't have to hit her so hard.
OLIVE: She was biting my neck, what did you want me to do, lick her face?
*beep beep* Lay her down on the sofa.
69
FLO: Leave me alone, will you? I'll work it out. Just, please, everyone leave me alone... Oh God! Oh god my stomach!
What's a matter with your stomach?
70
OLIVE: On your children's life?
FLO: No, on my husband's.
You hear that? She took pills.
71
FLO: Just a few, that's all
OLIVE: How many pills?
What kind of pills?
72
FLO: NO! Don't call him if he finds out I took a whole bottle of pills-
A WHOLE BOTTLE??? A *WHOLE* BOTTLE OF PILLS? Quick. Call an ambulance.
73
OLIVE: You don't even know what kind
What's the difference?? She took a whole bottle
74
OLIVE: Maybe they were vitamins. She could be the healthiest one in the room. Take it easy will you?
FLO: Don't call Sidney. Promise me you won't call sidney.
Slap her face. Open the window. Give her some air.
75
SYLVIE: Walk her around. Don't let her fall asleep.
*kidnapped* Rub her wrists. Keep her circulation going. Keep walking. Keep her blood moving.
76
FLO: Please let me sit down. I can't walk this much without my Nike's.
You're not sitting down 'til we get those pills out.
77
FLO: I got them out. They're out.
When did they come out?
78
FLO: No, it's over. He's getting a lawyer tomorrow... My cousin.
It's alright darling. Let it out. Let it all out.
79
FLO: I don't know. I just wandered around the city... I ended up in the museum of modern art. I talked to this security guard for an hour, he just stood there listening to everything I said. So patient.
*beat beat* Alright, let's not stand around looking at her, let's break it up heh?
80
FLO: I'm so ashamed. Please, forgive me girls.
VERA: It's okay. We understand
Do you know the number for the suicide hotline?
81
OLIVE: I'll get it from Florence, she has an account there.
Goodnight girls, feel better Flo.
82
OLIVE: You'll be the first one I call, Vera.
You sure?
83
MICK: You sure?
OLIVE: I'm sure.
Goodnight, Florence. Try to get a good night's sleep. I guarantee you things will look much brighter in the morning. *SMILING AT FLO WITH LOVE IN MY HEART, BUT TO OLIVE* Hide all your belts and plastic bags.
84
START ACT 2
Entertainment!
85
OLIVE: NO!! No hints. I don't want hints... Alright give us a hint.
SYLVIE: She had the same name as a cereal.
A cereal?
86
VERA: A cold cereal or a hot cereal?
What do you mean? Like Grape Nuts??
87
FLO: An ice-cold pepsi for Mickey
Thank you
88
FLO: Where's your coaster?
My what?
89
OLIVE: Farina? Is it Farina
VERA: Wasn't Farina in the Our Gang comedies?
Right. The cute little black girl with the circle around her eye.
90
FLO: Who turned off the Pure-A-Tron?
The what?
91
FLO: No, I'm not. I don't even know the question.
Who was the Queen of Republic Pictures?
92
VERA: This is delicious. The toast is crisp without being dry.
You know what I hear? I hear Sidney looks terrible. Sends out for Chinese food every night. Stanley saw him on the street with soy sauce on his mouth.
93
VERA: I was just in the bathroom. The towels are so clean and fluffy. Does she do that too, Olive?
OLIVE: No, she sends them to India and they beat them on rocks
The trouble is, Florence should have lived a hundred years ago. She would have been appreciated in that world.
94
FLO: Gee, I'm sorry. Is it my fault?
VERA: No, I guess no one feels much like playing tonight?
I gotta get up early for work anyway.
95
FLO: Does your husband like you being a cop, Mickey?
Well, all he wants to do is kinky things.
96
MICK: Well, all he wants to do is kinky things.
FLO: Like what?
Like handcuffing you to the bed
97
MICK: Like handcuffing you to the bed
VERA: Did you ever do it?
Once, but he fell asleep and I slipped a disk trying to get to the bathroom. If you ask me, both of you are the lucky ones. I envy the both of you.
98
MICK: Once, but he fell asleep and I slipped a disk trying to get to the bathroom. If you ask me, both of you are the lucky ones. I envy the both of you.
FLO: Envy us? Why?
Because you're free. You can do what you want, go where you like. Live out your fantasies.
99
FLO: Is that how you feel, Vera?
VERA: I'm not good at fantasies. Harry makes one up and gives it to me.
Believe me, this is to time to be single. I look around. Men are better looking today than they ever were before.
100
MICK: Believe me, this is to time to be single. I look around. Men are better looking today than they ever were before.
FLO: Why do you think that is?
Because they're eleven years younger today.
101
FLO: There's nothing gentle about being kicked out.
OLIVE: Okay... I tried.
What's going on? Florence, you look white as a ghost.
102
FLO: Olive will explain everything to you. Have a nice game. If you're hungry, Olive'll get you a plate of linguini. Don't forget to duck... Goodbye, everyone.
Isn't Florence playing tonight?
103
VERA: Is it good news or bad news?
SYLVIE: It depends what your income is... I'm pregnant.
Hey! Congratulations!
104
OLIVE: -walnuts around the edges-
SYLVIE: That's enough!!!
Okay, we all know she's impossible, but she's still our friend and she's still out on the street and I'm still worried about her.
105
OLIVE: And I'm not? I'm not concerned? I'm not worried? Who do you think sent her out there in the first place?
Sidney.
106
OLIVE: And I'm not? I'm not concerned? I'm not worried? Who do you think sent her out there in the first place?
MICK: Sidney.
OLIVE: What?
Sidney sent her out in the first place. *You* sent her out in the second place. And whoever she lives with next will send her out in the third place. Don't you understand? It's Florence. She does this for herself.
107
MICK: Sidney sent her out in the first place. *You* sent her out in the second place. And whoever she lives with next will send her out in the third place. Don't you understand? It's Florence. She does this for herself.
OLIVE: Why?
I don't know. There are people like that. There's a tribe in Africa who hit themselves on the head with rocks all day.
108
FLO: Really, fellows, this is quite embarrassing, I can go to a hotel. Hello, girls.
*hot damn* hiii, florence.
109
FLO: Thanks for the two greatest things you ever did for me. Taking me in and kicking me out. *ring ring* that must be the boys, spanish blood runs so hot.
*eensah the fine* Hello?.. Just a minute.
110
FLO: Olive, here's my mace and my siren. I think I can handle men on my own now.
It's your husband
111
FLO: (lot of prattling) And tell him that if I sound different to him, it's because I'm not the same woman who left the house three weeks ago. Go ahead, Mickey, tell him.
I will when I see him. This is Olive's husband.
