6 - Requesting that which would enrich life

Question 1

What is a request in NVC?

Answer 1

Something that will fulfill our needs

Question 2

What’s wrong with asking someone not to spend so much time at work?

Answer 2

It’s a negative action language. You’re not telling the person what you actually want – to spend more time with you at home. So he may end up golfing!

Question 3

If you don’t communicate positive action requests, you won’t get what you actually want, even of _________.

Answer 3

Yourself

Question 4

What is positive action language?

Answer 4

Clear, concise descriptions of what you want a person to do.

Question 5

What is the Lassie cartoon about a failed ability to communicate a request?

Answer 5

A man has fallen into a lake. As he struggles to swim, he shouts to his dog on shore, “Lassie, get help!” In the next frame, the dog is lying on the psychiatrist’s couch.

Question 6

What’s wrong with the request statement, “All I want is for you to show a little responsibility?”

Answer 6

It’s vague and impossible to tell what the person actually wants.

Question 7

What’s a better way for a boss to say to her employee’s “I want you to feel free to express yourself around me.”

Answer 7

I want to understand your needs and desires more. Could you let me know what I can do so you feel more comfortable to express yourself?

Question 8

Why are we not accustomed to getting our needs met?

Answer 8

Because we’re not taught how to get what we want. We’re taught to be good little boys and girls and good mothers and fathers.

Question 9

Why do we get depressed?

Answer 9

Because we’re not good at getting our needs met

Question 10

“I just want someone to love me.” What’s wrong with this request?

Answer 10

There’s no clear indication on how you can feel loved.

Question 11

People often expect others to know what we want without stating it. And then we expect them to ________ ______ _________.

Answer 11

Meet our needs

Question 12

Why is expressing only our feelings and needs sometimes not enough?

Answer 12

Because the listener doesn’t know what we actually want or how to fulfill those needs.

Question 13

Why is it bad to only state the request and not the feeling and need?

Answer 13

Requests might sound like demands without hearing the speaker’s feelings and needs.

Question 14

When people talk, they are always requesting something, even when they are unware. Things like…

Answer 14

Empathic connection, verbal or nonverbal acknowledgement, feeling understood, honesty, or a reaction to our words

Question 15

How can we ensure the message we send is received?

Answer 15

Ask the listener to paraphrase and reflect it back

Question 16

The more we have past blamed, punished, or laid guilt trips on others when they haven’t responded to our feelings, needs, or requests, the higher likelihood our request will sound like ___________.

Answer 16

Demands

Question 17

What’s happening here?
Jack: I’m lonely and would like you to spend the evening with me.
Jane: Jack, I’m really tired. If you’d like some company, how about finding someone else to be with you tonight?
Jack: (turns away wordlessly)
Jane: (sensing he is upset) Is something bothering you?
Jack: No.
Jane: Come on, Jack, I can sense something’s going on. What’s the matter?
Jack: You know how lonely I’m feeling. If you really loved me, you’d spend the evening with me.

Answer 17

Jack feels rejected and is punishing Jane with a guilt trip. Thus his request was actually a demand. Jane is put off, naturally, and will want to spend less time with Jack. If kept up, Jack’s behaviour will lead to Jane rejecting him in a self fulfilling prophecy.

Question 18

What is the difference between a request and a demand?

Answer 18

If the speaker is empathetic to the response, even if rejected, it is a request. If they use a form of punishment, guilt trip, or coercion, it’s a demand.

Question 19

If your request is shut down, can you try to persuade them otherwise?

Answer 19

Yes, as long as you empathize first.

Question 20

What if our objective is to change people and their behaviour to get our way?

Answer 20

Then you’re engaging in manipulation and force, and not NVC. NVC requires honesty and empathy

Question 21

These thoughts are examples of what?
- He should be cleaning up after himself.
- She’s supposed to do what I ask.
- I deserve to get a raise.
- I’m justified in having them stay later.
- I have a right to more time off.

Answer 21

Demands. When we frame our needs with these thoughts, we are bound to judge others when they don’t do as we request.

Question 22

Requests are perceived as demands when listeners believe that they will be _________ or ___________ if they do not comply.

Answer 22

Blamed or Punished

Question 23

Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want back, the more likely we are to __________ ___________.

Answer 23

Get it