10 - Expressing anger fully Flashcards
Anger is our choice. People’s behaviours are the _____________, not the __________________ of our negative emotions.
Stimulus, cause
“It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades” is toxic. Why?
Because we’re trying to use guilt as a tactic of manipulation and coersion.
What’s a better statement than “It hurts mommy and daddy when you get poor grades”?
I feel disappointed when you get bad grades because I want you to grow up and have options for your career so you can be happy.
The cause of anger lies in our thinking—in thoughts of __________ and ___________.
Blame; judgement
Whenever we are angry, we are finding fault—we are choosing to play God by judging or blaming the other person for _______ ________ or _________ ____________.
Being wrong; deserving punishment
When angry, we must connect to our ____________ and ____________. Rather than going up to our head to make a mental analysis of ____________ regarding somebody, we choose to connect to the __________ that is within us.
Feelings and needs; wrongness; lifeforce
Describe the example of the tardiness
Your friend is late for lunch.
- Scenario A: you’re mad, and your unmet need is to feel cared for.
- Scenario B: you’re mad, and your unmet need is to spend time purposely and constructively (because you have another meeting after this)
- Scenario C: you’re NOT mad (perhaps even happy and relieved) because your unmet need is time to yourself to decompress
Stimulus is the same—our interpretation is different based on our needs.
When we are connected to our need, whether it is for reassurance, purposefulness, or solitude, we are in touch with our __________ ___________.
Life energy
Anger indicates that we have moved up to our __________ to ___________ and ___________ rather than focus on _________.
head to analyze and judge; needs
In addition to the third option of focusing on our own needs and feelings, the choice is ours at any moment to shine the light of consciousness on the __________ __________ _____________ & ______________. When we choose this fourth option, we also never feel anger. We are not repressing the anger; we see how anger is simply absent in each moment that we are fully present with the _____________ _____________ ____________ & _____________.
Other person’s feelings and needs
Anger can be valuable if we use it as an __________ _________ to ________ _________ __________—to realize we have a need that isn’t being met and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.
Alarm clock to wake us up
To fully express anger requires full consciousness of our ___________.
Need
Energy is required to get the need met. Anger, however, co-opts our energy by directing it toward ___________ ___________ rather than meeting ____________ ___________. Instead of engaging in “righteous indignation,” I recommend connecting empathically with our own needs or those of others.
Punishing people; our needs
ANGER AND PUNISHMENT DONT SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM. THEY JUST ADD A NEW ONE.
This may take extensive practice, whereby over and over again, we consciously replace the phrase “I am angry because they … ” with “I am angry because __________ ___________ ___________ ….”
I am needing…
Rosenburg tells a story of getting punched in the face twice while trying to maintain civility in a juvenile facility. What happened and how did he realize anger is based on our interpretation rather than the actual event?
The first kid he deemed as a spoiled brat, so he was pissed off and wanted to retaliate. The second kid he deemed as meek and pathetic, so he didn’t want to retaliate. Same stimulus, different interpretation, different anger response.
