10 Flashcards
The third position
- assist you in making decisions about the overall communication process
- able to manage feelings and emotions when in an interaction
- able to negotiate in order to achieve a mutually agreeable outcome
- involves standing back from a situation and experiencing it as an observer
- gives time to think objectively about an interaction – remain detached
Third person skills are
Negotiation, problem solving and mediation
-to achieve a balance between the contribution of both people in the interaction
When in the third position
Use evaluate questions to allow one to think about the situation and the outcome without taking sides
Use clarifying question to distinguish between the problem and the person, drawing focus to the main issue, de-escalating the situation and allowing a collaboration instead of opposition
Whose info?
Generally the other persons information should be regarded as more important and focused on first, allowing you to understand where they are coming from so you can frame your points better and allowing them to feel listened so they are more receptive to your points.
Exceptions of whose info is more important
When something stops you from dealing with an issue, you need to use your 1st position skills to address the process. In this way, process is given priority over content.
What information
Usually, feelings have a higher priority than content and should be dealt with first.
Some types of information must be given priority if they are not to interfere with understanding
Balance of sending and receiving
Asking too many questions and not disclosing enough can seem like an inquisition however over disclosing and not asking enough questions can seem like a confession
Finding the balance
It is not likely to be an equal balance where one person has more power (boss) those without power are also less likely to volunteer information
There are some situations where there should be an imbalance (court, job interview)
Conflict and interdependency
There is more likely to be conflict the more you are dependent with someone, that is why most of our conflicts are with partners or close family members
Greater interdepency = greater conflict + greater impact
Myths about conflict
- Conflict is best avoided
- Conflict is a sign of a poor relationship
- Conflict damages an interpersonal relationship
- Conflict is always bad
- Conflict can always be resolved
Benefits of conflict
- Increased understanding – of self & other
- Allows for expression of feelings, opinions
- Prevents festering hostility, resentment
- Can lead to change, clarify what requires change
- Actively trying to resolve conflict communicates that the relationship is important
- Strengthen relationship by increasing confidence in ability to manage disagreements
Negative aspects of conflict
- Depletion of energy
- Negative affect, evaluations
- If intended to hurt, control
- May not lead to workable resolution
- Issue may re-surface
Gottman 1999, 4 dysfunctional communication methods
CRITICISM: negative responses to behaviours of other or about their personal attributes or characteristics
CONTEMPT (greatest predictor of divorce): strong, general dislike, disapproval, & desire to harm other
DEFENSIVENESS: act of protecting oneself from criticism
STONEWALLING: shutting down communication by ceasing to respond or refusing to talk
*he would observe couples interaction and had a quite high rate of predicting divorce
Conflict management styles
- Avoiding
- Accommodating
- Compromising
- Competing
- Collaborating
Avoiding
Submissive
- Managing conflict by backing off and trying to sidestep it
- Lose-lose
- Allows time to consider the issues, cool down etc.
- Sends a message that you don’t care, may make things worse and allow the conflict to go unresolved
Low concern for outcome | Low concern for relationship
