a 2 Flashcards
(11 cards)
Why doesn’t everyone use it, then?
Perhaps you are already convinced that the assertive style usually works better
than being passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive. Why doesn’t everyone
use it, then? One reason is that it involves a series of very specific skills. The other reason is that a variety of barriers hold people back. One of these barriers is housed within your body: the
If you have allergies
If you have allergies, you probably know that the allergy symptoms are
not really produced by the peanuts, the bee sting, the pollen, the dust, or the
dog dander. The things that you are allergic to are not, in themselves, dangerous. The problem lies in your immune system. Your body detects the allergen,
misinterprets it as something dangerous, and mounts an enormous immune
reaction designed to overcome the danger. Most treatments for allergies are designed to calm the immune system; to relax its attempts to “help” you.
Stress is similar.
Stress is similar. It feels as though it is produced by traffic, demanding
family members, your job, your parachuting instructor, and so on. But it isn’t.
Stress is produced by your body. This is why it is called the stress response. It is
designed to help you cope with these stressful situations.
But there is a problem. Most people feel less able to cope when the stress
response is activated.This “helper” response might not be helping you
The trigger for the stress response
The trigger for the stress response to be activated is a
perception that we are under threat. The kinds of pressures that you experience in the modern world are not usually helped by attack or escape. Indeed, these responses make most of the situations you face worse, not better. Instead, we may need to do what
we do with allergies: calm down the “helper” response.
People vary in how easily their stress response is triggered.
You can cope with stress at any stage in the process
You can cope with stress at any stage in the process:
You can deal with the situation itself (for example, by confronting the person responsible). This is the point of most assertiveness strategies. If your stress response is too active, however, you may find it hard to use assertive techniques.
You can re-evaluate your appraisal. Perhaps you are making too much of the situation. Does the frown necessarily mean you are about to be fired? Are you really that bad of an employee? If your new appraisal is
less threatening than the old one, the stress response is likely to subside.
You can deal with the bodily response itself by engaging in relaxation techniques.
If you become stressed too easily, you can make some lifestyle changes that will increase your resistance to stress.
To be assertive
To be assertive we have to think about the words we are using and express ourselves without
either shrinking away or becoming aggressive. This is precisely what the stress response prevents us from doing well.
think of a stressful situation
think of a stressful situation that
has happened in the past week or two. Ideally, it should be a relatively minor event that produced a big reaction in you. a co worker criticizes the owrk that you do
Cognitive-behavioral theory suggests
Cognitive-behavioral theory suggests that we don’t really react to what’s
going on around us. Instead, we react to what we think is going on. Sometimes
we’re right. Sometimes we’re wrong. This isn’t a new idea. Epictetus (A.D.
50-135) said, “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of
them.”
Now, if you reacted in
Now, if you reacted in a big emotional way to a relatively small event,
perhaps it wasn’t really the event that brought about the reaction. Instead, it
was what the event meant to you. Perhaps it wasn’t so much that your friend
was late for lunch but that you decided it meant she doesn’t really respect you.
Your emotional reaction isn’t to her lateness but to not being respected
Stress doesn’t just result
Stress doesn’t just result from overly negative appraisals.
Stress can also produce them. When we are tense, for whatever reason, we tend
to come up with more negative or catastrophic interpretations of events
Is my life in danger?
What is the worst thing that could happen?
the stress response interferes
the stress response interferes more drastically with
skills that you are just learning than with well-learned skills. As you practice
the assertiveness skills, they will tend to become
more automatic. As they do, you will find that it becomes easier and easier to be assertive when you are under pressure.
