Phyllis

Question 1

SYLVIA: knew it! It’s him! He’s home!

Answer 1

This is lovely, Kate. I was expecting somethibg more naïve. I mean, for new arrivals. I mean, sometimes when people come to New York, they bring the provinces with them. I have a friend who koved from Tampa and brought her entire collection of sea shells. There were shells on the tables, shells on the chairs, shells everywhere you looked. I said, these shells are lovely Sheila, but where do you shit? – I mean, sit. I mean…. i like your apartment, Kate

Question 2

Kate: well, it’s simple and convenient. Anybody here? No thank God. They must be in the park. For the umpteenth time.

Answer 2

Who?

Question 3

Dont get ne started… but how lucky we ran into each other on the street, Phyllis!

Answer 3

(Starting to take off her jacket) That’s New York for you. The biggest small town in the world.

Question 4

I’m discovering that

Answer 4

Well now you and Greg are here, Hamilton and I want to give you a small dinner party (Phyllis is about to toss her jacket onto the couch)

Question 5

WAIT!

Answer 5

What?

Question 6

Not there! (Takes the jacket) You’ll ruin that nice jacket. She leaves these great, grubby hairs

Answer 6

Who?

Question 7

(from off) Sylvia

Answer 7

Sylvia?

Question 8

(returning.) the dog

Answer 8

Oh. (She checks where to sit ) you let the dog onto the couch?

Question 9

I do not. I absolutely forbid it. But she… I’d prefer not to talk about it.

Answer 9

Good for you! We New Yorkers all have parts of our lives we keep to ourselves. I mean, we all have private parts. I mean…

Question 10

(Laughing) you haven’t changed since Vassar, Phyllis… i hear you and Hamilton are the toast of the East Side

Answer 10

Oh well. We circulate. Who would you like to meet? Kitty Carlisle Hart? Charlayne Hunter Gault? Boutros Boutros-Ghali?

Question 11

Anyone interested in NY schools

Question 13

Anyone interested in the New York schools

Answer 13

Fine. I’ll organize an evening which will focus strictly on the educational–

Question 14

She waits, you know. She literally waits, until I’m out the door, and then she leaps onto that couch

Answer 14

The dog?

Question 15

Sylvia. And when she hears my key in the latch, she jumps off.

Answer 15

Are you sure?

Question 16

I am. Once I sneaked back in, and caught her red-handed

Answer 16

I hope you punished her immediately

Question 17

I tried. But she practically laughed in my face. She only listens to Greg

Answer 17

Then Greg should punish her. Dogs are like children. They need to be thoroughly disciplined from the ground up

Question 18

Greg? Discipline Sylvia? Don’t make me laugh

Answer 18

(Takes her memo book out of her purse) Let’s talk dates for the party. Hamilton and I are booked solid… (flips through pages) … through October, but how about November 6th?

Question 19

Fine

Answer 19

(Writing it in) Good. There are no friends like old–

Question 20

I have the strong suspicion that when I’m out of the apartment, they sit on the couch together

Answer 20

Greg and Sylvia?

Question 21

They do everything together! Once I caught then sharing an ice cream cone

Answer 21

How disgusting!

Question 22

And she uses his hairbrush. I mean, he uses it. On her.

Answer 22

Hamilton has taken up goldfish

Question 23

At least they stay in their bowl

Answer 23

Not necessarily

Question 24

What?

Answer 24

Sometimes he takes them into the bathtub

Question 25

No!

Answer 25

I swear! If you bring it up, he'll deny it, but I swear I caught him at it

Question 26

Good Lord

Answer 26

Look at us! Here we are talking about animals when we should be planning our party

Question 27

You're absolutely right. Let's have a drink. What would you like, Phyllis? Wine? Vodka? What?

Answer 27

Just fizzy water, please. I'm trying to give up alcohol

Question 28

Good for you. I'll get it.

Answer 28

(Towards off) Now fill me in on this school thing, Kate. i saw Madge McKenzie at the Colony Club and she says you're roaming around Harlem, reciting Shakespeare

Question 29

That's why I want to meet people with pull, Phyllis. I'm trying to put Shakespeare into the junior high curriculum.

Answer 29

Is that possible? I mean, at that age? I mean, these days? I mean, up there?

Question 30

I hope so. If we can hook children in junior high, we might have them for life, Phyllis

Answer 30

I wish I could believe that, Kate

Question 31

Sylvia wants to sleep in our bed

Answer 31

You said no, I hope

Question 32

It's not just Shakespeare, Phyllis... She wants to sleep in our bed, you know

Answer 32

Sylvia?

Question 33

Of course I said no. Not even outside the covers

Answer 33

I should hope not

Question 34

But Greg fought me all the way. And continues to, every issue. When we visited our friends the Wardwells up in Williamston, he insisted on taking her with us

Answer 34

At least it's the country

Question 35

But it was our ANNIVERSARY, Phyllis! How would you like to be driving through that lovely New England scenery with Sylvia drooling down the back of your neck?

Answer 35

I see your point

Question 36

And when we arrived, the Wardwells put us all in the same room

Answer 36

You and Greg and Sylvia?

Question 37

There we were, holed up together. Greg and I spent our wedding anniversary with Sylvia wandering restlessly around the room, peering over the bed, and panting.

Answer 37

How horrible

Question 38

I mean, here I am, breaking my back trying to instill some sense of civility in American life and... She drinks from the john, you know

Answer 38

Sylvia.

Question 39

She drinks from the toilet. Sometimes, when we're trying to have a decent dinner, you can hear these great gulping sounds coming from the loo.

Answer 39

Good heavens.

Question 40

Then she comes back in, and sits slobbering by the table, eyeing us all through the meal

Answer 40

You see? They're like children. They have to be exiled while we eat

Question 41

Don't I wish. But how about a refill, Phyllis?

Answer 41

I'm fine, thanks

Question 42

I might just shift to a little Scotch. Excuse me a minute

Answer 42

(Towards off) Now be careful, Kate. Don't start leaning on liquor. Take it from one who knows. It's the curse of our generation and it's the curse of our particular ethnic group

Question 43

He takes Sylvia out to lunch, you know

Answer 43

No

Question 44

He dashes home at noon and they go out to lunch. He's found some restaurant on Amsterdam Avenue which is willing to serve Sylvia

Answer 44

I'm appalled!

Question 45

And lately he's been taking the afternoon off

Answer 45

Hamilton sometimes does that. He sneaks down to the aquarium

Question 46

But Greg does this every day! He and Sylvia have lunch, and then they go on these long walks. He covers the entire city. He says that with Sylvia he meets all sorts of people, from all walks of life. He says he's having a truly democratic experience for the first time in his life

Answer 46

I thought Greg was a Republican

Question 47

He was! He used to be

Answer 47

Hamilton at least is that

Question 48

I almost wish Greg would change back

Answer 48

I think all men should be Republicans, Kate. It seems to be good for their prostate. When Hamilton voted for Bush, why he -- I can't wait for the next erection-- I mean, election... Ah, but I've been talking too much

Question 49

I think I hate Sylvia, Phyllis

Answer 49

No

Question 50

I do. I never thought I could hate anybody except Nixon. But now I hate Sylvia

Answer 50

She's just a dog, Kate

Question 51

I don't care if she's a kangaroo. She's destroying our marriage

Answer 51

Oh now

Question 52

Sometimes I want to kill her, Phyllis. I want to put De-Con in her dog dish

Answer 52

Now that's a little drastic

Question 53

But I feel doomed, Phyllis. Cooed up in this small apartment with that creature

Answer 53

Then draw the line, Kate. Say she's simply got to go

Question 54

I've tried. We keep making these clear agreements. But Greg keeps breaking them. Like Hitler

Answer 54

Oh Kate

Question 55

I have the terrible feeling I'll be sharing my life with her for another ten years

Answer 55

Do you think she'll last that long?

Question 56

Sylvia: Hello, hello, hello. Nice crotch here. Nice crotch.

Answer 56

Run along, Sylvia!

Question 57

Kate: See what I mean?

Answer 57

I'm beginning to

Question 58

Greg: Phyllis wants to see them, don't you, Phyllis?

Answer 58

Well I --

Question 59

Kate: You see what I'm up against? Notice how all conversation stops. Notice how civilization completely collapses. While we wait for Sylvia

Answer 59

I might just have a small Scotch, Kate

Question 60

Kate: Phyllis...

Answer 60

I want one, Kate. (grimly) Right now! (apologetically) Please.

Question 61

Greg (to Phyllis): You're worried, aren't you?

Answer 61

Actually, I am, Greg

Question 62

Greg: Don't be. She'll find her ball. It's probably under the hall table (Sylvia comes back on with the ball) See? What did I tell you

Answer 62

I am ultimately relieved

Question 63

Kate: Here you are, Phyllis

Answer 63

(Grabbing it) Thank you (big gulp)

Question 64

Sylvia: Did you like that trick, Phyllis? (She goes for Phyllis's crotch again)

Answer 64

Go away, Sylvia!

Question 65

Kate: Sylvia, stop that!

Answer 65

Have you tried spanking her? I don't think there's enough spanking these days (more drink)

Question 66

Kate: So much for Shakespeare

Answer 66

(Down that drink) I've got to go

Question 67

Kate: But we've hardly talked

Answer 67

I've got to be off. Really (Kisses her) So nice to see you again, Kate (Shakes hands with Greg) Goodbye, Greg. (waves at Sylvia) Bye, bye Sylvia (Sylvia goes for Phyllis's crotch once more)

Question 68

Greg: Down, girl (To Phyllis) She likes you a lot, Phyllis

Answer 68

I'll tell them that at my next A.A. meeting (Phyllis staggers out, quite smashed. Sylvia runs after her. We hear Phyllis's protests offstage. Kate goes off, then returns angrily)