Envy Flashcards
What to tell DC if he checks out / gawks at another girl in front of me
If your boyfriend is more like the former, I think you should say, “Hey, it really hurts my feelings when you stare at girls. Can you please be discrete or not do it front of me?”
New thought when Devon glances at another girl
If you can’t stand even a little look, then it sounds like it’s more about you than your boyfriend.
If your partner didn’t find you attractive, he wouldn’t be with you. Just because someone else is attractive, that doesn’t make you less pretty.
A relationship is so much more than physical attraction. It might be what initial sparked interest (Devon said it did) but it becomes much more than appearance.
JUST BECOMES HE LOOKS AT THEM DOESN’T MEAN HE WANTS TO SLEEP WITH THEM. HE’S HAPPY WOTH YOU.
Guys perspectives
It wasn’t that crazy really, just didn’t make me feel trusted or loved. By ‘really angry’ I mean she’d give me the silent treatment or be obviously upset for a while, not scream and throw things. But for her, me looking at another girl seemed to be a kind of mental infidelity, whereas for me it barely ever entered conscious thought.
A guys perspective
My ex girlfriend used to get really angry at me when she caught me looking at another girl, even if it was just an actress or someone on tv. It used to really upset me, and it still does thinking about it.
A relationship with someone is so much more than physical attraction. It might be what initially sparked your interest in each other, but it becomes much more than appearance.
It was insulting to be told that me looking at other women threatened our relationship, because I think it’s ludicrous to expect that, even in the healthiest relationship, you won’t only notice each other. That view also reduces a relationship to the basest physical interaction.
I’m not suggesting the other extreme - openly gawking, or obviously checking out a girl when you’re with your partner - and I would always, always try and be respectful. But it got to the stage where I would catch her looking at me if an attractive girl walked past, waiting for me to look so she could ‘catch’ me.
I honestly didn’t care if I noticed her looking at a well dressed guy or a shirtless movie star, because I didn’t reasonably expect that she’d abandon me to run off with them, just as I’m not about to break up with a girl I’m with if I see a good looking one walking down the street (THIS).
Again, I think respect is important, but to me it’s just unrealistic to expect men or women to walk around with blinders on, and I think policing each other’s gaze is juvenile.
Some of the healthiest relationships I’ve seen have been open with each other about who they find attractive, in a way that doesn’t compromise their bond with each other or suggest the possibility of infedelity.
I hope this makes sense - I guess my advice would be just be careful with how you address it with guys, because from my perspective it made me feel like an unfeeling animal
Reminder
Looking at another girl does NOT mean he wants to be with them. As one guy said “for me, looking at another girl barely ever entered conscious thought.”
You made a very wise statement–“I didn’t reasonably expect that she’d abandon me to run off with them”. I get a little jealous at times I shouldn’t, and this is something I try to remind myself of. Just because my boyfriend thinks a celebrity is attractive or likes a girl’s Facebook picture does not mean he wants to date them. As other commenters have pointed out, a relationship is so much more than a passing attraction. It’s about sharing and committing to a person you adore, inside and out. Attraction is just one aspect. THIS - Him looking does not mean he wants to act on it. He loves me!
Guy’s perspective
Honestly, guys are hard wired to look, but as others have stated, with honest men this looking is harmless. They are not comparing other women to you, rather it is more like looking at fine art. Its nice to look at, but it really doesn’t mean anything a few minutes later. He had chosen you, and he is happy and satisfied. If anything, you can take some assurance that he has looked at many other women, and not once has he saw something he wanted to take your place. His love for you overcomes any lust he may momentarily feel for some piece of mindless eye candy. He realizes that the greenest grass is with you, because you look the best in his eyes.
Perspective
There is a difference between him looking and him verbally pointing out women.
I absolutely detest when women watch tv and say things like “Oh my gosh that actor! His body! I’d let him do things to me!” when I’m dating them. It makes me feel like I’m being compared. However, this is a verbal thing and I can easily talk to them about not saying stuff like that around me.
You, on the other hand, are feeling self-conscious because you believe that he is comparing them to you when he is looking. This is your problem, and something that you need to work on. Not him. I know you know that, but admitting fault is a big step.
Next, you need to be honest with him and tell him how that makes you feel. Let him voice his opinion and how he feels. And then you need to trust him.
Reminder
He is your boyfriend. He chose you over everybody else! :D
If he wanted someone else he wouldn’t have chosen you for 9 years and proposed to you!
Ooh good question
I’m sure you notice other guys. how much do you wanna be with them over your boyfriend?
It is absentminded
It’s absent minded. I’ll be out with my girl and look at other attractive girls and not even mean too. I catch myself doing it and I know I looked because I saw something attractive, but I have no emotion towards them.
I love my girlfriend, she is the most beautiful and sexy creature that has ever graced the planet. That’s why I’m with her and not some peacocking bitch.
If a dude spends five years looking for Miss Right and chooses you, you’re fine.
Perspective
All men look at the passing female scenery. ALL of us. Always. My 86 y.o. dad looks.
You will never get him or any other guy to stop, so decide right now if it’s worth being single the rest of your life over.
I promise you it does not mean anything like we are comparing them to you and thinking of leaving. It’s just appreciating beauty.
It is rude as hell to do it so that our women notice, I grant you that.
Confidence
In fact, worrying that your boy is going to lose interest in you could, paradoxically, nudge him towards losing interest, because confidence is very sexy. People want to be liked by someone who they admire. That requires the other person to love themselves… if you think you are unworthy, you seem needy and desperate, not like someone whose respect should be earned. You also send subtle signals that you really aren’t worthy of admiration, and that can make your boyfriend feel like he’s not very worthy because he doesn’t have the love and respect of someone he admires. This is not a good cycle. Would you find your boyfriend attractive if he constantly acted like he was sure he wasn’t hot enough, cool enough, or tall enough for you?
All of this is a long way of saying: you’ve got learn to love yourself, baby. That old cliche about how you have to love yourself before anyone else can really love you is just true, true, true. Take your nice new boyfriend to yoga, get all hot and sweaty, ogle the hot instructor, and then take your boy home and let your imaginations run wild together.
(And if you really can’t get over your insecurities, get a therapist to help you.)
Charm
Own yourself. See the positive in yourself. You have to in order for others to see it. Think of sales. The best sales pitch is product knowledge and putting a positive spin on it. No negative is 100% negative. Yeah, you’re quiet. You don’t say useless shit. Or you’re not quick with snappy comebacks and witty one liners. That means you’re deliberate and thoughtful. This is the key to confidence and charisma. It’ll give you the courage to say what’s on your mind and do what needs to be done.
Lastly, charm. Charm is something you turn on and off. It’s not a personality, it’s an action, like walking or smiling. It’s a combination of seeing the best in others and helping them see that (genuine compliments work great here, but so does asking personal questions and laughing at their jokes). In other words, you’re not playing an entertainer. But to get there, you have to learn to talk about yourself in ways that get people to open up. Forget open ended questions. Focus on open ended statements. Also, get comfortable with silence. People who talk all the time are annoying for a reason. They never shut up. No one is 100% extrovert or introvert or quiet or talkative. Reality is that people are unique mixes of the two. And the key ingredient in charm is yourself. This is what makes you memorable and separates you from the crowd. Add your personality to what you say or do.
It’ll take trial and error, but enjoy the journey.
This is purposely non specific because it requires you find your own way. I could tell you what words to say in certain situations, but that would be telling you to be me. You need to be you. It’s the only way to form relationships that last.
Edit: At the start of a relationship and even in later stages but especially at the start, always keep the ball in your court. Don’t tell people to call you. You will call them. You initiate. Rather than thinking of it as confidence and personally, think of it more as proactive vs reactive. Be proactive.
“Just because you don’t look like somebody you think is attractive, doesn’t mean you aren’t attractive. Flowers are pretty but so are Christmas lights and they look nothing alike”
I know it’s just one of these cheesy tumblr quotes from years ago but I still keep it in my notes. I do compare myself to others and sometimes it makes me so jealous and sad. But I also try to focus on myself and my own kind of beauty. I can’t swap bodies with another human so I have to make the best version of myself.
Your unique beauty
Believe in your own unique beauty. Furthermore develop a beautiful personality for this goes much further than skin deep beauty
