Act 2 Scene 2 Flashcards
(123 cards)
1
Q
Voice of Leonard: …So enjoy the reunion, stir that lemonade, and slice another watermelon.
52
A
Helen: Boy, I hope we didn’t forget anything. I tell you, this being our first day on the job and all is working my last nerve.
2
Q
Inita: Helen, relax. This new catering business is going to have us minting our own money. And we’re gonna win that square dance contest, too.
52
A
Helen: Oh, look at him. He’s cute.
3
Q
Inita: Not really. Wave at him.
52
A
Helen: Ooooh! I’ve seen more teeth on the front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
4
Q
Inita: I’m gonna turn the radio on. (Roy Orbison is playing)
52
A
Helen: He’s still in there.
5
Q
Inita: (turns radio off) I hate it that Bertha and Arles broke off their engagement.
53
A
Helen: Oh, look, over there at the yearbook table.
6
Q
Inita: Oh, it’s Fernie and Bernie.
53
A
Helen: They’ve changed their names to Star and Amber.
7
Q
Inita: Amber Wind-chime and Star… Star Weather-vane or something.
53
A
Helen: Bird-feather
8
Q
Inita: Bird-feather - like she’s part Kickapoo
53
A
Helen: Now, Inita, we need to keep an eye on the food in this heat. We don’t want the Board of Health on our case. You know how they are. (grabs potato salad)
9
Q
Inita: The food is fine. It’s been in the back of that truck covered with a tarp for three hours.
53
A
Helen: What about Mrs. Burras’ potato salad? You know that’s her prize-winning recipe.
10
Q
Inita: It’s been right here next to the ice chest for two hours. What could happen to it?
53
A
Helen: I’m so excited about this reunion. All these people coming back to town who never thought we’d amount to a hill of beans, and here we are with our own business.
11
Q
Inita: And the trailer houses are paid for.
53
A
Helen: And we’ve only been divorced once each, if you don’t count that weekend in Juarez.
12
Q
Inita: This is great, isn’t it, everybody coming back to town, remembering old flames.
53
A
Helen: Like Danny Palvadore?
13
Q
Inita: I don’t know what you’re talking about
53
A
Helen: Girl, you’re wearing Danny’s old letter jacket in this heat. That jacket’s too little for you. You look like you’re in traction.
14
Q
Inita: I don’t care.
53
A
Helen: Where in the devil is Garland? When I hired him, he promised to be on time and stay off the tequila. (stands to exit, phone rings) Get that will you. I gotta change.
53-54
15
Q
Inita: If I can find that cheap cell phone.
54
A
Helen: You know, that cell phone technology is not at all together. Some old lady in Argentina can fart and my phone rings. I’ll be right back (exits and changes to DIDI)
16
Q
Inita: (has phone call convo, DIDI walks by her making rude gesture) …Of course she’s packing. She carries a gun to church.
54
A
Petey: (enters) Hey, Inita.
17
Q
Inita: Hi, Petey. Petey you’re not really going to get in that hut with all those scorpions, are you?
54
A
Petey: I’ve got 49 of them in this box right here, just need one more…
18
Q
Inita: You might want to think that over. I got one of those little scorpions in my shoe once, and it stung me half a dozen times before I could get my foot out.
54
A
Petey: Well, what did you expect? That scorpion was just defending its space. It had no choice. How would you react if a huge foot twenty times your size came crashing into your living space?
19
Q
Inita: Petey, does mental illness run in your family?
55
A
Petey: Thanks a lot for the moral support, Inita. (opens box and speaks to scorpions) Don’t listen to her fellas. She can’t help it. She was brought up that way. OW! (exits and changes to GARLAND)
20
Q
Inita: (practices square dance with dialogue) …Oh shoot I forgot my foot powder. I’ll never get these boots on. There’s Garland. Hey, Garland. You’re late. Garland. Get in here, baby. I need your help.
55
A
Garland: (offstage) Hey, Inita.
21
Q
Inita: Listen, Garland, you still owe me a favor for leaving me passed out in the back of the truck last Christmas.
55
A
Garland: (enters) I couldn’t get a grip on you. You were all covered in frost. (laughs)
22
Q
Inita: You watch the food booth for a second. I gotta go to my truck and get some foot powder.
55
A
Garland: (laughs) Good. How are you going to pay me back?
23
Q
Inita: Have some potato salad on me, and we’ll take the rest out in trade.
55
A
Garland: (laughs) You crack me up, Inita, you know that?
24
Q
Inita: (exits and changes to Leonard. Garland calls offstage)
55-56
A
Garland: (speaking USR) Hey Leonard, get over here and have some of Pearl’s potato salad. (speaking DSC) Hey Grady! Better get out of this heat with your condition.
25
(Garland turns on radio to "Only the Lonely playing" Bottle rocket goes whizzing by his head)
## Footnote
55-56
Garland: Hey! Hey! Virgil Carp. You fire off another bottle rocket and I'll stick you on the grill with the rest of the weenies (laughs)
26
(Another bottle rocket goes by)
## Footnote
56
Garland: Virgil, I'm serious. I'm not afraid of your old man. I don't owe the bank any money. (turns radio back on and LEONARD enters)
27
Leonard: Turn that damn thing off, Garland, hell! Have a little mercy. Today's not the day to own a radio station.
## Footnote
56
Garland: (turns radio off) You seem a little upset, Leonard.
28
Leonard: Oh, does it show? You lose four hours of paid advertising on the biggest damn day of the year. Now, give me something to drink. And I don't mean R.C. Cola.
## Footnote
56
Garland: All I see is tequila.
29
Leonard: That'll work (Garland pours shot) What I really need is some of that illegal substance that they sell on the streets of Houston. I'd inject it right here into my temple and go visit Hank Williams, Senior. (G & L take shot) Is that Pearl's potato salad? Give me some.
## Footnote
56
Garland: (dishing out salad) Everybody else seems to be having a real good time, Leonard.
30
Leonard: To hell with everyone else. (bottle rocket goes by) Now cut that out. Somebody needs to do something about these damn kids!
## Footnote
56
Garland: (pours another round) Don't hold that in, Leonard, it'll kill you.
31
Leonard: Who else would be the mayor of this half-assed hole in the road we call a town?
## Footnote
56
Garland: How do you really feel? (laughs)
32
Leonard: Laugh all you want, but there ain't gonna be no homecoming float.
## Footnote
56
Garland: Why not? (pours shot)
33
Leonard: Dixie Deberry won't let Joe Bob on the float. The county insurance plan won't cover a queen that big on a bale that high. (G&L take shot) I'll never get re-elected mayor, and Stanley Bumiller should be shipped off to Devil's Island for what he's done to me.
## Footnote
57
Garland: What's ol' Stanley done now?
34
Leonard: Oh, that piece of art he gave the town. And I, like a damn idiot, agreed to unveil it. (bottle rocket whizzes by) Who did that?
## Footnote
57
Leonard: That little pea-brain, Virgil Carp.
35
Leonard: You know, Garland, there was a time you could legally kill kids.
## Footnote
57
Garland: Go on about Stanley's art...
36
Leonard: You call that art? I call it character assassination. You know what was underneath that sheet?
## Footnote
57
Garland: (laughs) what? (pours shot)
37
Leonard: Half a dozen coyotes wearing womens dresses and hats, sitting on a church pew. The one in the yellow moomoo looked a lot like my wife. (drinks shot)
## Footnote
57
Garland: (goes wild laughing) Damn, that's funny.
38
Leonard: I laughed, too, when I first saw those coyotes. One of them was the spitting image of Vera Carp. She had a chicken wing sticking out of her purse. Then I saw those Smut Snatchers milling around with their teeth all bared. They'll never give me another endorsement for mayor. And my wife is on the verge of killing half the members of Free White Texas. (belches) You know, Garland, that potato salad tasted a little ripe. Damn, I gotta go in there and ride the porcelain pony. (Leonard exits and changes to INITA)
## Footnote
57 - 58
Garland: You've still got my vote, Leonard. (laughs and does another shot)
39
(Cell phone rings and Garland answers it)
## Footnote
58
Garland: Helen and Initas Hot to Trot catering, Garland speaking. (pours shot) No, we don't have no egg rolls. No, we don't have no shish-ka-bob. We've got potato salad. Well, it's a little tangy, but that's the way I like it. Pizza? Woman, if you want Mexican food you've got the wrong number. (hangs up laughing and does another shot) Um... Um... UH OH. (Garland exits and changes to VERA) Inita, baby, you need to take over for me. I need some help.
40
Inita: What's wrong with you Garland? Where are you going? You just got here.
## Footnote
58
Garland: (offstage) I need to go lie down for a minute. I feel funny.
41
Inita: You always feel funny.
## Footnote
58
Garland: Not ha-ha funny. Like, like-im-gonna-die funny. You might want to take a whiff of that potato salad.
42
Inita: (tastes potato salad) It tastes all right to me. It's a little tangy, but that's the way I like it. (looks off) Oh no, Garland, don't lie in the street like that. (grabs imaginary tequila bottle) Hold on, baby. What you need is a shot of tequila. (exits and changes to SPIKE, VERA enters)
## Footnote
58
Vera: Where is he? Where in the gumption is Reverend Spikes? He's always late when he first gets out of jail. Prison leaves him with no concept of time.
43
(VERA walks by the food booth, sniffs the air)
## Footnote
58-59
Vera: Lord, that potato salad has gone bad. I'd better toss that out. Somebody might eat it.
44
(VERA starts to dump the potato salad, catches herself, then stops)
## Footnote
59
Vera: Well, maybe not. People in this town voted for that yard sale Liberace for Reunion Queen. They can just fend for themselves and God can sort out the survivors.
45
(VERA speaks into bullhorn)
## Footnote
59
Vera: Attention all sinners. No matter what kind of scum you are you can become a loving Christian just like me. Attention all sinners.
46
(REVEREND SPIKE enters)
## Footnote
59
Vera: Well there you are. I always worry when you're late. I'm afraid the cops have picked you up again.
47
Spikes: Now Vera, let's not get started off on the wrong hoof here.
## Footnote
59
Vera: Don't cross me on a day like today. I lost my rightful place on that hay bale, and my best friend's been jilted by a gin-soaked Methodist. So I don't need some Elmer Gantry attitude from you.
48
Spikes: We're not drawing much of a crowd.
## Footnote
59
Vera: Maybe we should sing some of those new cleaned up bible school songs?
49
Spikes: Good idea, Vera. What have we got?
## Footnote
59
Vera: Well, I've got the new lyrics to "Jesus Loves Me".
50
Spikes: Did the committee reach a decision on the new words?
## Footnote
59
Vera: Yes, we sought the Lord's guidance in rewriting His hymns without messing up the rhyme scheme. I'll sing while you pass out flyers.
51
Spikes: Just a minute, Vera, I want to get a bite of that potato salad first.
## Footnote
59
Vera: Oh no, don't do that unless you know you're right with God.
52
Spikes: Sing, Vera.
## Footnote
59-60
Vera: (singing into Bullhorn) "Jesus loves me, I can see. Cause his picture's just like me. Pale white skin, blond hair, blue eyes. It should come as no surprise."
53
Spikes: We're never gonna draw a crowd with singing like that.
## Footnote
60
Vera: Maybe you'd like to lead us all in a verse of FOlsom Prison Blues.
54
Spikes: Vera, I'll have you know I'm never closer to God than when I'm in prison. A little hard time might do you some good, Vera.
Vera: It's a hard time just looking at your sad face.
55
Spikes: (hearing siren) I didn't do it. I was nowhere near wherever it was.
Vera: It's not the police, it's an ambulance. If you weren't so guilty you wouldn't be so nervous, you born again has-been.
56
(Bottle rocket whizzes past)
Vera: Virgil Carp. Virgil Carp. I see you hiding behind that dumpster. Young man, you are to leave the keys in the Riviera and walk home and wait for my decision about your future. Don't you dare sulk at me. You pick up that big ugly lip. lord, you were an ugly baby and you're still ugly. I mean it, Virgil. You're going to do more walking than John the Baptist in the wilderness. March. Now. I tell you, if it wasn't for my faith, a day like today would have me knitting doilies on death row.
57
Joe Bob: (enters singing) "I get no kick from champagne..."
Vera: Hello, Joe Bob.
58
JB: Oh Vera Carp, or Miss Better Luck Next Time, I shower my condolences upon you. (goes to food booth) Does anyone work here? We need food!
Vera: Joe Bob, don't you think you're getting a little too big for your hay bale?
59
JB: You stay away from me, you chicken fried Eva Braun. (calls off) We must have food! We're hypoglycemic!
Vera: Joe Bob, I don't think nourishment is the big issue here. You're going to have to walk that parade route. If I were you, I'd run home and put on some sensible shoes.
60
JB: You're giving me fashion advice?
Vera: Well, when you're uninsurable, you better learn how to accessorize. You won't make it past the stop light in those plywood flip flops.
61
JB: That coming from a woman whose feet could feed a family of cannibals for a week.
Vera: Poor thing. Always got food on the mind.
62
JB: Vera, you just can't admit that democracy has kicked your ass
Vera: You better watch your mouth. You sound like you've been reading Doonesbury.
63
JB: I love Doonesbury.
Vera: Well, read it quick. It's going on our constitutional list. Right behind Sponge Bob.
64
JB: Democracy has spoken!
Vera: That's so quaint. Everybody knows democracy keeps its mouth shut till the lawyers are out for the recount. Mine's due in forty-five minutes. Who have you retained?
65
JB: Well, Vera, I have to go pose for the photographers and I'm sure you're needed back at the coven.
Vera: Joe Bob, wait. My Christian upbringing won't allow me to see you go hungry. Here, you have some potato salad. I'll pay for it.
66
JB: (exiting) Well, thank you Vera. That's very nice of you. Mm, tangy, just like I like it.
Vera: Just watching you eat it gives me the joy, joy, joy, down in my heart.
67
(Joe Bob exits, bottle rocket whizzes by)
Vera: Virgil, you'd better be ready for the rapture, cause I'm coming for you in a very Christian way. (Vera exits and changes to HELEN)
68
Leonard: (offstage from men's room) Hey, hey! Get out of here!
Helen: (enters from woman's room) Boy, he puts on open-backed shoes and thinks he can just walk in anywhere. (answers phone) Helen and Inita's Hot-to-Trot Catering. How may I help you?... No, this isn't the police. Well, don't start crying. Who is this? Consuela Garcia? You're calling from Vera Carp's house? Oh, you must be the new Lupe. Somebody stole your car? Oh no. And they wrecked it? Oh no. Do you know who did it? Vera Carp? She left her lipstick in the back seat. Well, call the cops. No, do it, girl. Nuevo Uno Uno. No, Lupe you got the same rights as anybody else in this country to hire a sleezewad lawyer and go to court and make your fellow American's life a living hell. Nuevo Uno Uno? Go get 'em girl.
69
(RR Enters)
Helen: R.R., what are you doing here?
70
RR: I just came by for a barbecue sandwich.
Helen: Chopped or sliced?
71
RR: Half and half.
Helen: So where have you been hiding for the last few years?
72
RR: I'd tell you but you'd call me nuts.
Helen: Oh, I'd never do that.
73
RR: Well, I've been all over the galaxy in a space ship.
Helen: Uh huh. Did you go to the moon?
74
RR: Oh, now our moon isn't much. Now Jupiter has sixteen moons.
Helen: Uh huh. Does Didi know you're back?
75
RR: Yeah.
Helen: What did she have to say?
76
RR: Not much. You're not going to tell everybody I'm nuts are you?
Helen: Oh, I'd never do that, R.R.
77
RR: Thanks, Helen (RR exits and changes to STAR)
Helen: Bye RR. (calls Veda Jo on phone) Veda Jo, you'll never guess who just walked up to the food booth... RR Snavely... No he's not all right. He's nuts... Well, you need to hurry up. You're going to miss all the fun. Oh it's a wonderful reunion... Well, it's a little hot... about 110, but its a dry heat. And guess who got Reunion Queen? Joe Bob Lipsey. Can you believe it? I thought I was the on ly one to write him in. Hello... Hello? I hate it when these cell phones cut you off like that.
78
(Helen sees somebody off stage. She squeals)
Helen: Bonnie Jean! It's me, Helen Bedd. Can you believe it? I'll be right there. Somebody watch the place, will you? (Helen exits and changes to AMBER)
79
Star: God, I hope this food booth has some trail mix. I've never seen so much cooked flesh in all my life. (bottle rocket whizzes by) That is so micro-cosmically militaristic. I'm starving. There must be something I can eat. Oh no, baby-back ribs. Poor piggies. Chili. Poor cows. Hot dogs. Poor... who knows. I need some music. (turns on radio) I am in the twilight zone.
Amber: (enters) Oh, Star.
80
Star: Amber, your aura is very weak.
Amber: Oh, Star. Someone left the cake out in the rain.
81
Star: What happened to bring you so far down?
Amber: (begins ritual of patchouli on wrists and eye drops on eyes) Well, first of all, Connie Carp comes up and proves that she's still the same sweat hog after all these years.
82
Star: What did she say?
Amber: Star, this really hurts. She asked me if I knew that the sixties were over.
83
Star: Heavy. What did you say?
Amber: I asked her if she had ever heard of unsaturated fat.
84
Star: Did that bring you down to say that?
Amber: Are you kidding? I dropped an entire chakra level. And then Paula Polk comes up and asked me if I was still a vegetarian, and I said yes, and she asked me if I wanted to taste her guacamole, and I ate a whole spoonful, and do you know what that she-hog had done?
85
Star: What?
Amber: She'd put bacon in it.
86
Star: That is so heavy.
Amber: They didn't even eat bacon in the Bible.
87
Star: I didn't know that. You are so well read.
Amber: And Star.
88
Star: Yeah?
Amber: Do you know what was worse?
89
Star: What?
Amber: It tasted so good.
90
Star: Amber, go sit in the car and hum.
Amber: Oh no, Star, you're going to have to take my hand and lead the way.
91
Star: Why?
Amber: I can't believe I put patchouli in my eyes again.
92
Star: Hum, Amber, hum (Amber exits humming changing to STANLEY) ............What are you a triple scorpio? (Stanley enters) Who's that mean kid?
Stanley: Oh man, its that little idgit, Virgil Carp. He threw a whole roll of firecrackers under that hut where Petey is locked in with all those scorpions.
93
Star: Uncool, did they sting him?
Stanley: Yeah, he's jumping around like Richard Simmons. Petey Fisk is too good for this town. He ought to move to New Mexico with me.
94
Star: You know, I'm going to New Mexico later today. I'm taking my friend Amber to a sweat lodge and have her purged.
Stanley: Whoa. I just recognized you. You're Bernice Snodgrass.
95
Star: Yes, well, I used to be
## Footnote
66
Stanley: Hi. I'm Stanley Bumiller.
96
Star: Yes, I know.
## Footnote
66
Stanley: So, I guess you got married?
97
Star: Yes, but I changed my name before that to Star Bird-feather because I had to, like, shed my past, if you know what I mean.
## Footnote
66
Stanley: Boy, do I. Is your husband here?
98
Star: No, he died on a religious retreat to the Himalayas.
## Footnote
66
Stanley: Mountain climbing?
99
Star: Bad yak butter.
Stanley: Beats the hell out of dying of boredom in a place like this.
100
Star: Well, I don't know. Electing a man Reunion Queen is a step in the cosmic direction.
Stanley: Joe Bob will be lucky to get out of town alive if the Smut Snatchers catch him.
101
Star: I forgot how heavy this town is.
Stanley: That's something I figured out a long time ago. (pause) Do you know you're the only person in this town who wrote me while I was in reform school, except for my momma? I appreciate it, I really do.
102
Star: I knew you were going to be a great artist some day. I could see you had talent back when you were spray painting stop signs. I never liked stop signs. They are so abrupt. I always thought they should at least say "Please". But I liked them after you painted them.
Stanley: That's why Judge Buckner threw me in reform school, for spray painting stop signs.
103
Star: Well, being sent to reform school is no worse than being found dead in a woman's swim suit like he was. That's where they should send that Virgil Carp for what he did to Petey.
Stanley: Yeah, well, rich kids don't go to reform school.
104
Star: Where do they go?
Stanley: SMU. Boy, would you look at that. Even Tuna can't screw up a West Texas sunset.
105
Star: That's my favorite thing about the West.
Stanley: So when are you heading back to New Mexico.
106
Star: As soon as I can get directions. I know its somewhere to the left.
Stanley: Well, now that my momma's wedding off, I'm heading that way in a little while. You want to follow me? I gotta say goodbye to my Aunt Pearl first.
107
Star: Cool. I'll go tell Amber.
Stanley: Do I know Amber?
108
Star: Fern Posey. But don't call her that. She's real fragile today.
Stanley: I remember her. She and I got thrown out of vacation Bible school for playing strip poker in the fellowship hall.
109
Star: You were so cool.
Stanley: We'll see you back here in about an hour?
110
Star: Cool.
Stanley: Cool.
111
Voice of Thurston: ...where victims can receive medical attention and consult with personal injury attorneys. (Helen enters)
Inita: Helen, give me that potato salad.
## Footnote
67
Helen: Stay away from that, girl. It's gone bad.
112
Inita: I know that. I'm gonna eat half a pound of it and die right here, where Danny Palvadore can find my body. Helen, you can't believe what that man did to me.
Helen: Oh, no. Girl, did he ignore you.
113
Inita: Worse
Helen: Did he laugh at your outfit?
114
Inita: Worse.
Helen: Did he make fun of your hairdo?
115
Inita: Worse.
Helen: Did he mention that you'd gained weight?
116
Inita: ...Worse.
Helen: What did he do?
117
Inita: (starting to sob) He apologized to me.
Helen: Uh uh, Girl, he didn't apologize for leaving you in that tree.
118
Inita: Yes.
Helen: Men can be so cruel.
119
Inita: I'm never gonna look at another man as long as I live.
Helen: Girl.
120
Inita: And I'm never gonna cook again either.
Helen: Girl.
121
Inita: I mean it. I'll probably get hauled in for that potato salad.
Helen: That wasn't premeditated. The worst you can get is manslaughter.
122
Inita: I mean it. No more men and no more cookin'. We gotta move fast before the cops get here. You gas up the truck and I'll pull the blocks out from under the trailer house. Danny Palvadore can kiss my ass.
Helen: Wait a minute. This is a big moment for us. I think we owe Tuna one last look before we go.
123
Inita: You're right, Helen. It's the end of an era.
Helen: (pause and look around for a second) OK that's enough. Let's go. Inita, grab that potato salad. We don't want to leave any evidence if the cops arrive.
