Chapter 5 Flashcards
(215 cards)
1
Q
T: by pushing one of five buttons with labels ranging from super negative through neutral to super positive. Then, after you speak, your partner quickly rates his or her perception of your message in the same way before replying to you
A
talk table
2
Q
The notable point is that if you’re currently …with your relationship, you may not intend to annoy or belittle your lover, but you’re likely to do so, anyway.
A
unhappy
Unhappy couples don’t differ on average from happy, contented couples in what they are trying to say to each other, but the impact of their messages—what their partners think they hear—is more critical and disrespectful nonetheless
3
Q
This single afternoon at the talk table predicts how happy the two of you will be later on; spouses whose communications are frustrating will be less happily married … years later
A
5
4
Q
There is often a discrepancy—an …—between what the sender intends to say and what the listener thinks he or she hears.
A
interpersonal gap (sender’s intentions differ from the effect on the receiver.)
5
Q
getting from one person’s intentions to the impact of that person’s message on a listener involves …
A
several steps at which error and misunderstanding may occur
6
Q
interpersonal gaps occur more amount strangers than among close couples
A
f such gaps are actually more likely to occur in close relationships than they are among strangers
7
Q
such gaps are actually more likely to occur in close relationships than they are among strangers why
A
We don’t expect our partners to misunderstand us, so we don’t work as hard as we do with strangers to check that we’re on the same page.
8
Q
Would you be able to tell what sort of cap you have on by watching others’ reactions to you?
A
Even if no one mentions your cap, others’ behavior may clearly indicate that they don’t like what they see. In fact, because you’d be curious and alert to how others responded, their sentiments might be unmistakably plain.
9
Q
Functions of Nonverbal Behavior in Relationships 5 categories
A
proving info
- regulating interaction
- defining the nature of the relationship
- interpersonal influence
- impression management
10
Q
T: A person’s behavior allows others to make inferences about his or her intentions, feelings, traits, and meaning
A
providing information
11
Q
T: Nonverbal behavior provides cues that regulate the efficient give-and-take of smooth conversations and other interactions
A
regulating interaction
12
Q
T: The type of partnership two people share may be evident in their nonverbal behavior
A
defining the nature of the relationship
13
Q
T: Goal-oriented behavior designed to influence someone else
A
interpersonal influence
14
Q
T: Nonverbal behavior that is managed by a person or a couple to create or enhance a particular image
A
interpersonal influence
15
Q
why did we have to invent emojis what function of nonverbal
A
providing information
16
Q
One clue to the enormous power of nonverbal communication is the number of different channels through which information can be transmitted what are 7
A
facial expressions, gazing behavior, body movement, touch, interpersonal distances, smells, and paralanguage
17
Q
are emotional facial expressions universal? which ones
A
happiness sadness, fear, anger, disgust, surprise, and contempt—engenders a unique facial expression that’s the same all over the world
18
Q
people learn to smile when they are happy
A
f even the blind do it
19
Q
The bigger the smiles college students posted during their first semester at school, the …2`
A
more satisfied they were with their social lives and their college careers when they were seniors 4 years later
20
Q
the smiles people display in their college yearbooks predict their chances of being divorced later in life; what does it tell us
A
compared to those with the biggest smiles, those who smile least are about 5 times more likely to divorce someday
21
Q
the fuller and more genuine the smiles major league baseball players exhibited in their team photos in 1952, what effect later on …
A
longer their lives have been
22
Q
Happy expressions are clearly correlated with …, and in some respects, a forecast of your future may be available to everyone you meet
A
success in life
23
Q
who are we better at judging the facial expressions of
A
We do a little better identifying emotions that are expressed by others from our own cultural groups than we do in recognizing the expressions of people from elsewhere in the world
24
Q
American college students can recognize happiness, sadness, anger, disgust, and surprise in how much time
A
three-quarters of a second or less
25
So, the universal meanings of facial expressions make them extremely informative—when they’re ...
authentic
26
T: cultural norms that dictate what emotions are appropriate in particular situations
display rules
27
why do people hide their true emotions in their facial expressions
display rules
28
There are at least four ways we may try to modify our expressions of emotion to follow these display rules
intensity our expressions
minimize our expressions
neutralize our expressions
mask
29
Good poker players try to do this so that they give no hint of what their cards may be what are they doing with emotions
neutralize (trying to withhold our true feelings altogether)
30
T: replacing them with an entirely different apparent emotion
masking our feelings
31
leaking emotions: Genuine smiles contract the muscles around our eyes, causing them to crinkle, but only about ... of us activate those muscles when we’re faking a smile
a quarter
32
leaking emotions: despite our efforts, authentic flashes of real emotion, or ..., can be visible during momentary lapses of control
microexpressions
33
how do our eyes give away when we find someone hot
our pupils dilate when we’re looking at something that interests us
34
we don't pick up on pupil differences in someones interest for us
f when others are looking at us with large pupils, we tend to assume that they are more aroused and sexually available than we would judge them to be with smaller pupils
35
how do the eyes give away emotions
pupil dilation
gazing
dominance
36
Gazing also helps define the relationship two people share once interaction begins.
Lovers really do spend more time looking at each other than friends do
37
when strangers spend time gazing into each other’s eyes, they end up liking each other more than they would have if they’d spent the time together looking someplace else why
A lot of looking can evidently communicate affection as well as simple interest.
38
people usually look at their conversational partners more when they’re listening (gazing at the speaker about .. percent of the time, on average) than when they’re speaking (looking at the listener about ... percent of the time)
60
| 40
39
how do dominant people gaze
powerful, high-status people tend to depart from these norms—they look more while speaking but less while listening than the average person doe
40
T: that compares “look-speak” (the percentage of time a speaker gazes at a listener) to “look-listen.”
visual dominance ratio
| A high-power pattern of gazing turns the typical ratio of 40/60 on its head, producing a high VDR of 60/40
41
problem with body gestures
The problem with gestures is that, unlike facial expressions, they vary widely from culture to culturet
42
The language of the face needs no interpreter, but that’s not true of the language of gestures.
t
43
how do we communicate with body movement
gestures
posture
motion of body
touch
44
that moves the way you do when you’re dancing, and if others watch the figure for 15 seconds, they’ll get a sense of your ...
style
45
men who are judged to be good dancers by women tend to be more ...3 than guys who dance badly. So, in short, they’re more desirable mates
agreeable, conscientious, and extraverted
46
how should you pose on tinder pictures
Both the men and the women attracted more interest when they adopted an open, expansive posture—indicative of self-confidence and status—like the one on the left.
47
how do High-status people tend to have what posture
adopt open, asymmetric postures in which the two halves of the body assume different positions (Cuddy, 2015). They take up a lot of space
48
People with firm, full, long handshakes tend to be more ...3, than people with wimpy handshakes are
extraverted and open to experience, and less neurotic
49
the U.S. Armed Forces maintained a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy toward the sexual orientation of their personnel why did this not work
Nonverbal channels of information allow attentive observers to assess the orientations of others very quickly with reasonable accuracy.
50
A 10-second video of a person’s body movements is all observers need to make correct judgments 72 percent of the time of sexual orientation what did they see that gave it away
Heterosexual men tend to swagger, swinging their shoulders when they walk, and heterosexual women tend to sway, moving their hips. People whose behavior includes the motions that are typical of the other sex are likely to be judged to be homosexual, and those perceptions are often correct
51
people who get a glimpse of men’s faces that lasts for only half a second can accurately judge whether they are gay or straight about 60 percent of the time, and they do almost as well when the faces are turned upside down what gave it away
gay men tend to have shorter, rounder noses and more feminine faces than straight men do
52
are the gay straight tells cross-cultural
t
53
Positive, supportive feelings such as love (how do you touch) and sympathy (...) engender touches that are quite different from those that communicate disgust (...) or anger (...)
which, for instance, might lead you to stroke someone’s arm
with you patting it
pushing
hitting
54
(health benefits) Loving touches are actually good for our health: Kissing your partner more often can ..., affectionate touch from your partner ....., and getting a lot of hugs makes it ....
reduce your cholesterol
reduces your production of stress hormones
less likely that you’ll catch a cold
55
One aspect of touching that makes it momentous is that ...
people have to be near each other for touching to occur
56
T: the physical space that separates two people—that is usually reserved for relatively intimate interactions
interpersonal distance
57
T: extends out from the front of our chests about a foot-and-a-half
interpersonal zone
58
if 2 people are standing in interpersonal zone they are very loving
or hostile
59
T: ranges from 1½ to 4 feet away from us
personal zone
60
T: (4 to 12 feet), interactions tend to be more businesslike
social zone
61
T: Beyond 12 feet, interactions tend to be quite formal
public zone
62
eg of public zone
teacher student
63
how does western world interpersonal distances compare to rest of world
These distances describe the general patterns of interactions among North Americans, but they tend to be larger than those used by many other peoples of the world
64
what influences interpersonal distance
sex (men larger) status (stand far from high status) culture
65
how does distance influence marriage
Spouses who are unhappy keep larger distances between each other than do spouses who are currently content
66
Different emotions cause people to emit different ..., from their bodies
chemicals, or chemosignals
67
When people are exposed to the armpit odors of others they feel disgust
f who are happy, they feel happier, too
68
why are people without smell at a disadvantage
Smells carry information, so perhaps it should be no surprise that people who were born without a sense of smell are at an interpersonal disadvantage; such men, for example, have only one-fifth as many sexual relationships during their lives as normal men do
69
T: includes all the variations in a person’s voice other than the actual words he or she uses, such as rhythm, pitch, loudness, and rate
paralanguage
70
paralanguage doesn’t involve what people say, but ...
how they say it
71
If you wanted to show someone with just a brief sound that you were scared, or angry, or sad, could you do it? How about relieved, amused, or awed?
most can all around world
72
how does mens pitch differ for friends vs lovers
When they start a phone call by saying “how are you?,” men use a lower pitch with their lovers than with their friends, but women use a higher pitch
73
listeners who hear brief clips of simultaneous laughter (but nothing else) taken from the conversations of various couples can tell with ... percent accuracy whether the two people are friends or strangers who have just met how do they differ
61
| Friends sound more spontaneous and relaxed, with shorter bursts of laughter that have more irregular volumes and pitch
74
Women like their men to have ...
deep, low-pitched voices
75
do voices actually tell us what a man is like
are a cue to a partner’s mate value because people with appealing voices tend to have alluring faces and bodies, too
76
if you listen to tapes of a variety of women counting from 1 to 10 at various times during their menstrual cycles, you’ll hear ...
that a woman’s voice becomes more attractive just before she ovulates each month (effects of her changing hormones on her larynx, and it doesn’t happen in women who are on the pill)
77
Most of the time, our nonverbal behavior communicates the same message as our words, and we like people better when that’s the case what tells the truth when discrepant
nonverbal
78
how does imitation influence liking
increases it
| it seems to be rewarding to be met with nonverbal behavior from others that resembles our own
79
how could high tech advertising influence us
but they attributed more positive traits to the avatar and were more convinced by its argument when it duplicated their own actions than when it behaved like someone else
80
it can be surprisingly stressful to interact with someone who does not imitate us at all
t
81
Husbands and wives who do poorly at reading their partners nonverbal tend to be dissatisfied with their marriages, and, moreover, when such problems occur, it’s usually ... fault
the husband’s fault
82
Well, when nonverbal exchanges fail, there may be errors in ...
encoding or decoding, or both
83
women are better at what part of nonverbal exchange
Women typically start with an advantage at both tasks because, if no deception is involved, women are both better encoders and more astute decoders than men are on average
84
Men and women don’t differ in their abilities to detect deception
t
85
is women’s intuition real
yes women tend to attentively use subtle but real nonverbal cues to discern what’s going on
86
is women’s intuition real
yes women tend to attentively use subtle but real nonverbal cues to discern what’s going on
87
impartial strangers are shown the film
If they can’t figure out what the spouse is trying to communicate, the spouse’s ... is assumed to be faulty. On, if they can read the message but the other spouse can’t, the partner’s ... is implicated.
encoding
| decoding
88
husbands in unhappy marriages sent more confusing messages and made more decoding errors than happy husbands did. and same with their wives
f There were no such differences among the wives
89
were husbands aware of their bad communicating errors
f they were confident that they understood their wives and that their wives understood them
90
In unhappy marriages, both the husbands and wives understood each other better than strangers but still worse than happy couples
f strangers better than they understood each other= have skill
91
which is chicken and egg is communication and satisfaction in a relationship
both= cycle
Nonverbal insensitivity makes someone a less rewarding partner than he or she otherwise would be. But once partners grow dissatisfied for any reason, they tend to start tuning each other out
92
abusive husbands and mothers are less skilled at knowing what their wife or baby is feeling what does this tell us
skill deficits give some people blind spots that make them less likely to realize just how much harm they are doing to others
93
why is it that women do better at nonverbal communication than men do?
skill and motivation
94
Men’s performance improves when they’re motivated to pay close attention and to judge others correctly, as well as women
f , but they never do better than women
95
what do women do more than men that could account for their better skill
Women spend more time watching others’ eyes than men do, and that appears to be one reason why they read others’ expressions more accurately (training can improve)
96
we’re usually more adept at reading our intimate partners’ nonverbal cues than those of acquaintances or strangers
t
97
Would you like the stranger more than you would have if the two of you had just shared small talk for the same amount of time?
t we like self disclosure fosters closeness
98
T The process of revealing personal information to someone else
self disclosure
99
Two people cannot be said to be intimate with each other if they do not share some personal, relatively confidential information with one another
t
100
T: which holds that relationships develop through systematic changes in communication
social penetration theory
101
But if this superficial conversation is rewarding, they’re likely to move closer to each other by increasing two aspects of their communication:
Its breadth: the variety of topics they discuss, and
| Its depth: the personal significance of the topics they discuss.
102
why does being open lead people to open up
early encounters between acquaintances usually involve obvious reciprocity in self-disclosure
103
how should we approach self disclosure in a relationship
Take turns instead of engaging in long monologues, and allow measured reciprocity to gradually increase the intimacy of your interactions
104
gender dif in openers
Women tend to be better openers than men (Miller et al., 1983). The average score for women on the Opener Scale is 31, whereas 28 is typical for men.
105
T: argues that genuine intimacy is likely to develop between two people only when certain conditions have been met
interpersonal process model of intimacy
106
IPMI: When we open up to others, we want our disclosures to be received with apparent interest, sympathy, and respect. That is, we want ... from others that indicates that they understand us and care about us
responsiveness
107
IPMI: for two people to become close, three things have to happen
engage in meaningful self disclosure
respond with interest and empathy (especially when men do)
recognize the other is being responsive
108
The judgment that one’s partner is understanding and caring, which is known as ..., is a key part of the ongoing process by which intimacy develops
perceived partner responsiveness
109
is total revelation of secrets good in relationships
Both intimate self-disclosure and selective secrecy contribute to marital satisfaction= privacy desirable
110
Relationships are undermined when people learn that their partners are concealing something Why go to the trouble?
When people believe that keeping a secret is more trouble than it’s worth, they usually reveal it to others after a while. On the other hand, if they worry that they or others may be harmed by an unwanted truth, they may strive to conceal it forever.
111
T: sensitive matters that, in their opinion, may threaten the quality of their relationship.
taboo topics
112
common taboo topic
1. . state of relationship
2. relationships with others
3. past relationships
113
... percent of the respondents acknowledged that the current or future state of their romantic relationships was a subject that was better off not being mentioned
68
114
People are often keenly interested in the likely future of their partnerships and are eager to learn their partners’ expectations and intentions—but they don’t ask what do they do instead
may create secret tests of their lovers’ fidelity and devotion
115
T: They watch closely to see how their lovers respond to other attractive people
triangle test
116
T: they contrive difficulties that the lover must overcome in order to demonstrate his or her devotion
endurance test
117
T: they find reasons to be apart to see how enthusiastically their lovers welcome their return
seperation test
118
The more taboo topics there are in a relationship, the less satisfied the partners are unless they feel ...
that they’re avoiding touchy topics to promote and protect their relationship
119
LGBs typically know for sure that they are gay, lesbian, or bisexual when they are teenagers, but they don’t tell anyone .. (at age 18 for gay men, 20 for bisexuals, and 21 for lesbian women, on average)
until three years later
120
how does initial coming out go
| 1 year later?
good because a trusted friend
| tell a parent maybe (only half tell fathers)
121
are bisexuals or gays more likely to tell people
about three-fourths of gays and lesbians have told most of the important people in their lives of their sexual orientations, but only 28 percent of bisexuals have done so
122
concealing one’s true sexual identity is stressful so why do they wait so long
It’s usually because they correctly recognize that their disclosure will be a turning point in their relationships with their families.
123
why do gays disclose
They disclose the truth to be closer to the ones they love, and the good news is that they usually succeed
They usually receive support from their friends, and over time most parents come to accept their same-sex orientation with either equanimity or encouragement
124
double edged sword of coming out
Compared to their peers who are still closeted, lesbians who have recently come out are less likely to be depressed, but gay men are more likely to be depressed= discrimination
125
bottom line of self disclosure
the more self-disclosure romantic couples share, the happier they tend to bethe more self-disclosure romantic couples share, the happier they tend to be
126
Self-disclosure that fits the situation breeds liking and contentment in close relationships, and that occurs for several reasons
1. we reveal to those we like
2. like them because we disclosed to them
3. it’s rewarding to be entrusted with self-disclosures from others= liked more by others
127
Finally, self-disclosure is not only good for our relationships, it’s good for us. why
Compared to those who engage in more superficial small talk, people who have substantive, deep conversations and who make themselves known to others enjoy better health and life satisfaction
128
And there’s a particular sort of self-disclosure that you should absolutely, positively engage in more often: ...
Tell those you love that you love them.
129
Affectionate communication is not just affirming and pleasing to your partner; it also can be remarkably beneficial to you how
less response to stress
130
how does attachment influence communication (avoidance vs secure)
Secure people are also more affectionate (Hesse & Trask, 2014) and keep fewer secrets
more open and accurate with their intimate partners than avoidant people are, and those are two reasons why their partnerships are more satisfying as the years go by
131
anxious communication style?
more talkative; if anything, in their nervous quest for intimacy and acceptance, they routinely self-disclose too much, too soon
132
If you read a transcript of a conversation between two friends, would you be able to tell if the participants were men or women? how
topics: women are more likely than men to discuss their feelings about their close relationships and other personal aspects of their lives
men tend to stick to more impersonal matters, discussing objects and actions such as cars and sports, gossiping about celebrities and politicians instead of friends
133
When young adults chatted with strangers online using written messages, they were generally able to correctly guess the sex of the person they were chatting with if the researchers didn’t tell them
f unable
| when men and women interact with each other, these differences are less apparent than you might think
134
how does computer-mediated communication (or CMC) differ in important ways from actually talking to someone
1. take more time to consider response
2. specify how statement should be read (we know what we mean assume others do)
3. amazing amount of info about someone on CMC4. access to people
135
we rarely use sarcasm over CMC because it can easily be misunderstood
Most of our e-mails contain at least one phrase that should not be taken literally
136
Interpersonal gaps abound online.
t
137
strangers get some insight into our personalities from the Twitter handles and e-mail addresses we choose
t (not as much as the info we choose to disclose however)
138
what makes someone seem female or extroverted over CMC
if we use lots of exclamation points in our messages, they’ll probably think we’re female (McAndrew & De Jonge, 2011). We also seem extraverted when we expand instead of abbreviate words and use a lot more characters than we need
139
People aren’t entirely heedless of their privacy on Facebook, but ..
.they manage it less attentively online than they do in face-to-face communication.
140
the most important aspect of CMC for our relationships is the manner in which it provides us ...
private access to others
141
how do CMC relate to low and high satisfaction
a constant stream of superficial and trivial messages seems to result in lower satisfaction with a relationship
contented partners send high proportions of more meaningful messages that contain thoughtful self-disclosures, affirmations and assurances, and other useful news
142
texting as rewarding as in person
no
143
when we’re troubled, we get more comfort from talking to others than from texting them, in part because ...
the familiar sound of a partner’s voice reduces the stress hormones in our blood
144
why are women more tentative in their style of communication
t’s not clear, however, that this tentativeness stems from a lack of assertion; it may just reflect greater concern for others’ feelings
145
women are more talkative
f
146
how do men and women communication styles differ then (amount of talk)
Women speak more often but produce fewer monologues
men speak up and say something less often than women do, but when they do get started, they talk longer, brooking no interruption
147
there aren’t sizable global differences in the way men and women talk. However, there are meaningful differences in ....from one person to the next, and the .... are so informative that strangers can get accurate impressions of us by overhearing a few minutes of our conversation
language use
| words we use
148
we are more attracted to each other at first meeting if they use language the same way
t
149
So far, we haven’t encountered big differences in men’s and women’s verbal communication what is a difference that matters
In established relationships, women are more self-disclosing than men are, and in keeping with their higher scores on the “Opener” scale, they elicit more self-disclosure from others, too
150
a man may need a woman in his life to keep him from being lonely, but women don’t usually need men this way in return.
t because men often depend more on women for emotional warmth and intimacy than women do on them in return
151
this difference between men and women in self-disclosure is sex or gender dif
gender
152
all men have superficial conversations with their best friends
f only macho men as androgynous men are, and such men tend to have meaningful, intimate interactions with both sexes just as women do
153
traditional men interact with women more because they need them more than androgynous men do
f androgynous men (who are both assertive and warm) self-disclose readily to both sexes and enjoy meaningful interactions with all their friends
as a bonus, they spend more time interacting with women than less expressive, traditional men do
154
The typical intimacy of a person’s interactions is tied to his or her level of ..., and once you take that into account, it doesn’t matter whether the person is a man or woman.
expressivity
155
we blurt out whatever Page 161we’re thinking and thereby engage in animated, rapid-fire conversation—whereas others of us are slower, more deliberate, and more hesitant in verbalizing our feelings these people differ in ...
blirtatiousness
156
A talkative, highly blirtatious woman and a taciturn, close-mouthed man won't get along
f get along fine when they meet but She’s likely to dominate the discussion of the conflicts that arise (as they always do), and that pattern violates traditional expectations that make men the heads of their households
157
both men and women consider expressive skills to be more important in close relationships than instrumental skills are
t but men value instrumental communication skills such as the ability to give clear instructions and directions more than women do. And women value expressive communication skills such as expressing affection and feelings more than men do
158
what are common miscommunication errors in unhappy couple
1. unhappy people do a poor job of saying what they mean
2. unhappy partners do a poor job of hearing each other.
3. display negative affect when they talk with each other
159
T: they tend to address several topics at once
kitchen sinking
160
T: wandering from topic to topic so that the conversation never stays on one problem long enough to resolve it
off beam
161
T: which occurs when people assume that they understand their partners’ thoughts, feelings, and opinions without asking
mindreading
162
All intimate couples mindread to some extent
t
163
unhappy partners do a poor job of hearing each other. 4 ways
interrupt and mindread and yes butting and cross complaining
164
unhappy people do a poor job of saying what they mean 2 ways
kitchen sink and off beam
165
interruptions are always obnoxious
f People who interrupt their partners to express agreement or ask for clarification may actually be communicating happily and well
166
T: Distressed couples also listen poorly by finding something wrong or un-workable with anything their partners say
yes butting
167
T: instead of expressing interest in what their partners have to say, they just respond to a complaint with one of their own
cross complaining
168
4 display negative affect when they talk with each other
criticism, contempt, stonewalling, belligerence
169
T: “You are such a slob!”
criticism
170
T: in the form of insults, mockery, or hostile humor is often involved as well
contempt
171
response to contempt
defensivness
172
T: instead of treating the clumsy complaint as legitimate and reasonable, the partners seek to protectPage 163 themselves from the unreasonable attack by making excuses or by cross-complaining
defensivness
173
T: may follow as a partner “clams up” and reacts to the messy situation by withdrawing
stonewalling
174
T: may occur with one partner aggressively rejecting the other altogether
belligerence
175
“So what? What are you gonna do about it?”
belligerence
176
videotapes of just the first 3 minutes of a marital conflict enable researchers to predict with ... percent accuracy who will be divorced 6 years later
83
177
How can we avoid these traps? 3
we may need to send clearer, less inflammatory messages, listen better, or stay polite and calm
178
T: specifies a particular event and does not involve generalities; thus, words such as always or never should never be used
behavioural description
179
I-statements start with “I” and then describe a distinct emotional reaction and should be avoided
f use them!! They force us to identify our feelings, which can be useful both to us and to our partners. They help us to “own” our feelings and to acknowledge them instead of keeping the entire focus on the partner.
180
how to talk about someones loss
1. you should mention the person’s loss “I’m so sorry,” or “I feel so sad for you” and then stop don't add your own shit
2. just listen
181
3 things to avoid when talking about someones loss
imply that the loss is not the most tragic, awful thing that has ever happened. Do not try to comfort the person with optimistic projections about the future. And do not offer advice about how the person can put his or her life back together.
182
A handy way to use both behavior descriptions and I-statements to communicate more clearly and accurately is to integrate them into ...
XYZ statements
183
what goes into a XYZ statement
When you do X in situation Y” (that’s a good behavior description), “I feel Z” (an I-statement)
184
We have two vital tasks when we’re on the receiving end of others’ messages.
The first is to accurately understand what our partners are trying to say, and the second is to communicate that attention and comprehension to our partners so that they know we care about what they’ve said.
185
We have two vital tasks when we’re on the receiving end of others’ messages. how to accomplish both tasks
paraphrasing
186
repeating it in our own words and giving the sender a chance to agree that that’s what he or she actually meant :T
paraphrasing
187
T: people assess the accuracy of their inferences about a partner’s feelings by asking the partner for clarification. which is the opposite of mindreading
perception checking
188
... listening like this is likely to help smooth the inevitable rough spots any relationship encounters
Active
189
dissatisfied spouses spend more time than contented lovers do locked into patterns of ... reciprocity in which they’re contemptuous of each other, with each being scornful of what the other has to say
negative affect
190
negative affect reciprocity doesn't happen to happy couples
f but they break out of these ugly cycles more quickly than unhappy partners do
191
defusing cycles of increasing cantankerousness when they begin is very beneficial, but it may not be easy why
Although XYZ statements and active listening skills can help prevent surly interactions altogether, Gottman and his colleagues argue that people rarely have the presence of mind to use them once they get angry
192
Anger results from the perception that others are causing us ...
illegitimate, unfair, avoidable grief. (Use a different point of view to reduce or prevent anger altogether)
193
Of course, it can be hard to maintain such a placid stream of thought when we’re provoked. So, it’s also a good idea to (try to) reduce the number of provocations you encounter by ....
agreeing in advance to be polite to each other when you disagree Maybe schedule it or take time out
194
Go off by yourself and take no more than ... long, slow, deep breaths per minute, and you will calm down, faster than you think
six
195
Unhappy partners often have difficulty ...3 main
saying what they mean, hearing each other, and staying polite and calm when disagreements arise.
196
T: acknowledges the legitimacy of their opinions and communicates respect for their positions is always a desirable goal in intimate interaction
validation
197
you have to agree with someone to validate them
f You can communicate appropriate respect and recognition of a partner’s point of view without agreeing with it
198
All of the skills I have mentioned here support an atmosphere of ...
responsive care and concern that can reduce the intensity and impact of disputes with our partners
199
When a sender’s intentions differ from the impact that a message has on the recipient, a couple faces an ...
interpersonal gap.
200
Nonverbal communication serves vital functions, ...3
providing information, regulating interaction, and defining the nature of the relationship two people share.
201
how do facial expressions help us
Facial expressions are good guides to others’ moods, but cultural norms influence expressive behavior.
202
how does gazing behaviour help us
The direction and amount of a person’s looking is important in defining relationships and in regulating interaction. In addition, our pupils dilate when we’re seeing something that interests us.
203
how does body moment help us
Gestures vary widely across cultures, but the posture and motion of the entire body are informative as well.
204
how does touch help us
Different types of touch have distinctly different meanings.
205
We use different zones of personal space—the intimate, ...3 zones—for different kinds of interactions.
personal, social, and public
206
how does smell help us
Information about one’s emotions is transmitted to others by one’s smell.
207
how does paralanguage help us
Paralanguage involves all the variations in a person’s voice—such as rhythm, rate, and loudness—other than the words he or she uses.
208
... occurs when people use similar nonverbal behavior without realizing it.
Mimicry
209
Nonverbal actions allow us to fine-tune the intimacy of our interactions in subtle but real ways.
t
210
what is the Nonverbal Sensitivity. in unhappy relationships
Unhappy spouses, especially husbands, do a poor job at nonverbal communication.
211
Intimacy develops when we perceive ... in others that indicates that they understand us and care about us.
responsiveness
212
A woman who is high in blirtatiousness is a precarious match for a ...
taciturn man.
213
Saying What We Mean. Skillful senders use ...3 to focus on specific actions and make their feelings clear.
behavior description, I-statements, and XYZ statements
214
Active Listening. Good listeners use ...2 to understand their partners.
paraphrasing and perception checking
215
Being Polite and Staying Cool. Happy couples also avoid extended periods of ..
.negative affect reciprocity.
