Flashcards in CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS Deck (86)
What makes conversations crucial?
1. Opposing opinions
2. Strong Emotions
3. High stakes
When face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things:
1. Avoid them
2. Face them and handle them poorly
3. Face them and handle them well
When it matters most, we tend to do our best OR our worst?
We do our WORST
Twenty years of research reveals the key skill of effective leaders is what?
The capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically issues.
Is it possible that an organization's performance could hang on something as soft as how individuals deal with crucial conversations?
People in heated discussions fall into three categories; what are they?
1. Those who digress into threats and name-calling
2. Those who revert to silent fuming
3. Those who speak openly, honestly and effectively
The ability to hold crucial conversations has no impact on your personal health. True or False.
FALSE - It does.
Research showed those who routinely failed their crucial conversations had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well. True or False.
From an early age, we believe we must choose between candor and kindness (telling the truth or keeping a friend) is also known in the book as:
Fool's Choice (pg. 22)
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open is called:
DIALOGUE - free flow of meaning between two or more people. (pg. 23)
Conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand are combinations that make up what?
Our personal pool of meaning.
When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we don't share the same pool of meaning. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 24)
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to do what?
To add their meaning to the shared pool, even ideas at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. (pg. 24)
What happens when the shared pool of meaning is dangerously shallow?
When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things. (pg. 24)
When it matters most, we tend to do our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to do what?
To find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pool of meaning to get others to share their pools. ( pg. 27)
What is the first principle of dialogue?
Start with your own HEART (pg. 33)
The first problem we face in our crucial conversations is not that our behavior degenerates, but it's our _______.
MOTIVES (pg. 35)
Those who are best at dialogue tend to believe the best way to work on "us" is to start with whom?
ME (pg. 35)
Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue is what?
Always an option, no matter the circumstances. (pg. 36)
The desire to win is built into our very fiber before we're old enough to know what's going on. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 38)
Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we choose to do what?
SILENCE - We accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation (pg. 39).
A small mental intervention - the simple act of asking a potent question - can have a powerful effect on redirecting our heart. What is that question?
What do I really want? (pg. 41 - 42)
Ask yourself these questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation: (pg. 43)
1. What do I really want for myself?
2. What do I really want for others?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?
4. How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes:
1. It reminds us of our goals.
2. Helps us keep focused. (pg. 44)
Those who are skilled at crucial conversations present their brain with a more complex question. They routinely ask what?
1. What do I want for myself?
2. What do I want for the other person(s)?
3. What do I want for the relationship? (pg. 45)
What is the key to framing the "and" question?
Clarify what you really don't want. For example, I want this "and" I don't want to see this happen. (pg. 46)
When conversations start turning ugly, what should you watch for?
1. The content of the conversation (topic under discussion)
2. The condition (what people are doing in response)
What are the three conditions to look for during a crucial conversation?
1. The moment a conversation turns crucial
2. Signs that people don't feel safe
3. Your own style under stress
What are some of the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversation?
1. Physical signals (dry eyes, tight stomach)
2. Emotional signals (feeling scared, hurt, or angry)
3. Behavioral signals (out-of-body experience, raising voices) (pg. 54)