Flashcards in CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS Deck (86):
What makes conversations crucial?
1. Opposing opinions
2. Strong Emotions
3. High stakes
When face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things:
1. Avoid them
2. Face them and handle them poorly
3. Face them and handle them well
When it matters most, we tend to do our best OR our worst?
We do our WORST
Twenty years of research reveals the key skill of effective leaders is what?
The capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically issues.
Is it possible that an organization's performance could hang on something as soft as how individuals deal with crucial conversations?
People in heated discussions fall into three categories; what are they?
1. Those who digress into threats and name-calling
2. Those who revert to silent fuming
3. Those who speak openly, honestly and effectively
The ability to hold crucial conversations has no impact on your personal health. True or False.
FALSE - It does.
Research showed those who routinely failed their crucial conversations had far weaker immune systems than those who found a way to resolve them well. True or False.
From an early age, we believe we must choose between candor and kindness (telling the truth or keeping a friend) is also known in the book as:
Fool's Choice (pg. 22)
When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information (from themselves and others) out into the open is called:
DIALOGUE - free flow of meaning between two or more people. (pg. 23)
Conversations with our own opinions, feelings, theories, and experiences about the topic at hand are combinations that make up what?
Our personal pool of meaning.
When two or more of us enter crucial conversations, by definition we don't share the same pool of meaning. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 24)
People who are skilled at dialogue do their best to make it safe for everyone to do what?
To add their meaning to the shared pool, even ideas at first glance appear controversial, wrong, or at odds with their own beliefs. (pg. 24)
What happens when the shared pool of meaning is dangerously shallow?
When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people can do collectively stupid things. (pg. 24)
When it matters most, we tend to do our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to do what?
To find a way to explain what is in each of our personal pool of meaning to get others to share their pools. ( pg. 27)
What is the first principle of dialogue?
Start with your own HEART (pg. 33)
The first problem we face in our crucial conversations is not that our behavior degenerates, but it's our _______.
MOTIVES (pg. 35)
Those who are best at dialogue tend to believe the best way to work on "us" is to start with whom?
ME (pg. 35)
Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue-smart believe that dialogue is what?
Always an option, no matter the circumstances. (pg. 36)
The desire to win is built into our very fiber before we're old enough to know what's going on. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 38)
Sometimes we choose personal safety over dialogue. Rather than add to the pool of meaning, and possibly make waves along the way, we choose to do what?
SILENCE - We accept the certainty of bad results to avoid the possibility of uncomfortable conversation (pg. 39).
A small mental intervention - the simple act of asking a potent question - can have a powerful effect on redirecting our heart. What is that question?
What do I really want? (pg. 41 - 42)
Ask yourself these questions either when you find yourself slipping out of dialogue or as reminders when you prepare to step up to a crucial conversation: (pg. 43)
1. What do I really want for myself?
2. What do I really want for others?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?
4. How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
Asking questions about what we really want serves two important purposes:
1. It reminds us of our goals.
2. Helps us keep focused. (pg. 44)
Those who are skilled at crucial conversations present their brain with a more complex question. They routinely ask what?
1. What do I want for myself?
2. What do I want for the other person(s)?
3. What do I want for the relationship? (pg. 45)
What is the key to framing the "and" question?
Clarify what you really don't want. For example, I want this "and" I don't want to see this happen. (pg. 46)
When conversations start turning ugly, what should you watch for?
1. The content of the conversation (topic under discussion)
2. The condition (what people are doing in response)
What are the three conditions to look for during a crucial conversation?
1. The moment a conversation turns crucial
2. Signs that people don't feel safe
3. Your own style under stress
What are some of the signs that suggest you're in a crucial conversation?
1. Physical signals (dry eyes, tight stomach)
2. Emotional signals (feeling scared, hurt, or angry)
3. Behavioral signals (out-of-body experience, raising voices) (pg. 54)
People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on what?
SAFETY (pg. 55)
During crucial conversations, how do people react when they no longer feel safe?
They become defensive. (pg. 56)
What are the signs that people are feeling unsafe?
SILENCE (withhold meaning to the pool)
VIOLENCE (trying to force meaning in the pool)
What are the three most common forms of SILENCE?
MASKING (Sarcasm, sugarcoating)
AVOIDING (talk, but avoiding the real issues)
WITHDRAWING (pulling out of the conversation altogether) (pg. 59)
What are the three most common forms of VIOLENCE?
CONTROLLING (coercing others to your way of thinking)
LABELING (putting a label on people or ideas)
ATTACKING (belittling or threatening)
What is the most difficult element to watch closely as you're madly dual-processing?
Your own behavior. (pg. 62)
Building safety comes with the understanding there are two different conditions of safety is at risk. What are the two conditions?
Mutual Purpose - the Entrance Condition
Mutual Respect - the Continuance Condition
Crucial conversation often go awry not because others dislike the content, but because what?
The content suggest that you have a malicious intent.
What are some of the signs Mutual Purpose is at risk?
* Conversation ends up in debate
* Circling back to the same topic
What are two crucial questions to help us determine when Mutual Purpose is at risk?
1. Do others believe I care about their goals in the conversation?
2. Do they trust my motives? (pg. 77)
What are the telltale signs respect is violated and safety takes a turn south?
People start defending their dignity. Emotions are the key. (pg.79)
What makes it easier to find a way to respect others.
When we realize we all have weakness. (pg. 80)
What are the three hard-hitting skills that the best at dialogue use?
3. Create a Mutual Purpose (pg. 82)
Contrasting is a way of ensuring that what we said didn't hurt more than it should have. Contrasting provides context and what?
In creating a Mutual Purpose, the acronym C.R.I.B. is used. What does it stand for?
C - Commit to seek mutual purpose
R - Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
I - Invent a mutual purpose
B - Brainstorm new strategies
Emotions don't settle upon you like a fog. Others don't make you mad. ____ make you mad.
YOU (pg. 104)
Describe the Path to Action sequence.
See and Hear > Tell a Story > Feel > Act
Stories provide our rationale for what's going on. They are our ____________ of the facts.
Interpretation (pg. 109)
If we take control of our stories, they don't control us. Once they're told, the stories control us. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 111)
What is the first step to regaining emotional control?
Challenge the illusion that what you're feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances.
Separate fact from story by focusing on what?
BEHAVIOR (pg. 115)
When we feel a need to justify our ineffective behavior, we tend to tell our "clever" stories in ____ very different ways.
1. Victim Stories
2. Villain Stories
3. Helpless Stories
When you ignored the role you play; what story are you telling?
What is a common device in Villain Stories?
LABELING (pg. 118)
Fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful is what stories?
Helpless stories often stem from which other stories and typically offer us nothing more than Fool's Choices?
when we sell out, we consciously act against our own sense of what is right. After we've sold out, we have only two choices. What are they?
1. Own up to our sellout
2. Try to justify our sellout
What does a "useful story" do?
Creates emotions that lead to healthy action, such as dialogue.
Clever stories have one characteristic in common; what are they?
Turn villains into humans. When you find yourself labeling or otherwise vilifying others, stop and ask:
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
Turn the helpless into the able. When you catch yourself bemoaning your own helplessness, stop and ask:
1. What do I really want for me?
2. What do I really want for others?
3. What do I really want for the relationship?
When it comes to sharing touchy information, the "worst" at dialogue alternate between being blunt and what?
Say nothing at all
When it comes to sharing touchy information, the "good" at dialogue say what's on their minds, but they do what to their mes sage?
Understate or sugarcoat
When it comes to sharing touchy information, the "best" at dialogue speak their minds completely and they do how?
In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, it can be done by carefully blending three ingredients:
The five distinctive skills that can help you talk about even the most sensitive topics can be remembered with the acronym STATE, which stands for...
S - State your facts
T - Tell your story
A - Ask for others' path
T - Talk tentatively
E - Encourage testing (pg. 136)
Facts are the least ___________ and ___________; they are the most ____________.
Always begin your path to action with _________.
When talking to people with opposing opinion, the more convinced and forceful you act, the more ______ others become.
The more absolute and overstated terms when you're speaking will decrease your influence. True or False?
The more tentatively you speak, the more open people become to your opinions. True or False?
When people starting to resist you, turn your attention away from the topic and onto whom?
YOURSELF - the more you care about the issue, the less likely you are going to be on your best behavior. (pg. 152)
When people don't feel safe or comfortable sharing their facts and stories, what is the best way to return to dialogue?
Get at the source of fear and discomfort.
What question keeps you retracing the other person's Path to Action until you see how it all fits together?
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?
When others playing out their silence or violence games, we're joining the conversation at the beginning or the end of their Path to Action?
The end. They've already seen and heard things and told themselves a story, and generated a feeling.
What are our cues to help others retrace their Path to Action after they have already acted out their feelings?
What does it take to get others to share their path - stories and facts alike?
It requires listening.
A listening tool we use to help make it safe for other people to speak frankly can be best remembered with the acronym AMPP. What does it stand for? (pg. 162)
A - Ask to get things rolling
M - Mirror to confirm feelings
P - Paraphrase to acknowledge the story
P - Prime when you're getting nowhere
When the person is still upset and isn't explaining his/her stories/facts, we either gracefully exit or ask what he/she wants to see happen. True or False?
TRUE (pg. 165)
When the other person has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part, this is called what?
Most people consist of battles over the __ to __ percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over.
5% to 10%
To help your listening skills, use your ABC's. What are they?
Agree - when you share views
Build - If others leave something out, agree where you share views, then build.
Compare - when you differ significantly, compare your views
When do the the two riskiest time in crucial conversations tend to occur?
Beginning and at the end. (pg 178)
There are four common options of making decisions that represent increasing degrees of involvement:
Increased involvement brings the benefit of increased commitment along with the curse of decreased decision-making efficiency. True or False?
Command decisions, it's not our job to decide what to do. It's our job to decide what?
How to make it work. (PG. 181)