Flashcards in Smart Assery Deck (55):
Response to "You can't..."
"Oh but if I can't do it, that implies failure and I never fail. I either see it through or I walk away; and why would I do that when getting what i want is so much more fun."
Response to "I want..."
"And I want a poolside sushi platter served on a naked bikini model, but since i get the impression neither of us is going to deliver, I say we call it a day..."
Response to any comeback
"Now thats cute, you're Googling your comebacks. Classy, real smooth"
Response to name calling
"Projecting? Serriously? Are you going for a Freudian stereotype or were you just that cliche by nature?"
Response for "What does that mean?"
SARCASM, think fast
If vocab: that means, 'you should buy a dictionary'
Someone didn't get your smart-ass comment
"Wow, thats amazing... I could almost hear that zoom by as it went over your head"
Someone gets upset over something you said to them jokingly
"Hey, i know this great place. We could go get you a sense of humor, maybe grab some dinner after."
Someone starts shouting
"And there it is, the winning (name) personality that everyone knows does such wonders with the ladies"
Someones starting to get angry
"Alright now, before you huff- and you puff- and you blow the house down, lets grab a sense of humor and maybe a snickers bar... You're not you when you're hungry."
Responding to a compliment
"Oh look at that, I'm more than just a smart-ass with a charming smile... Who knew?"
What to say to someone who's bothering you and whom you need to go away
"Look, I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet its hard to pronounce, so you go look into that."
How to respond when you didn't understand a word they said
"Well, that sounded like English, but I didn't understand a word after ___"
How to respond when someone just lied to you
"Wow... Im gonna need to go home and shower after that load of bullshit"
Response when someone says something particularly stupid
"Thank you... You've just lowered the average IQ of this room by no less than 5 points"
Response when someone drops or spills something
"You see? And this is why we can't have nice things"
*then help them pick it up
A girl says something smart-ass
"Wow, i don't know who your boyfriend is, but CLEARLY he's not spanking you enough"
Reaction when someone does something awesome
"Congradulations, youve just been promoted to my 8th favorite person ____"
Response when someone tells you something about their preferences or beliefs
"Well, ya know admitting it is the first step"
Response when someone's being a pussy
"Do you know what that is? Thats the tampon string hanging out of you from you being such a enormous pussy. Now come on?"
The goal of being a smartass
You have the last word, always
Say something smart-ass and thats the last impression you give off
If you have to stay there, then send them away
But when you're in control, walk away, regardless of whether you've gotten what you want.
To say as you're walking away before you get what you want
"But don't look so sad. I'll keep in touch."
Response when someone says they're too busy
"I don't care if you're deconstructing a nuclear weapon... It needs to get done"
Someone pulls rank
"Because Im such a by-the-book kind of guy."
"Sure, if i happen to look out my window and see pigs flying overhead on my way home from class"
Someone tries to point out something by beginning with "I think..."
"Oh... well if thats what you 'think', perhaps you should double check"
Someone ask if you're worried about something
(Smirky sideways look)
"Tell me, does this look like the face of a worried man?"
Someone does something you don't like
"Is this your first _____"
"Well then play by the rules."
After insulting someone
"Oh look, I hit a nerve.
Don't loose anymore hair over it, okay champ?"
When someone walks away without responding, or just shaking their head
"Ah yes, perhaps that witty come-back will come to you over there..."
When someone clearly has the upper hand on you
"Oh buddy, youre trying wayy too hard for the upper hand here... Is this your first time 'almost' being in charge."
Lean in real close...
"This is me... saying no"
Response when someone calls you, "Mr (nickname)"
"Please no, my father is Mr ________. My name is Davis."
Response to "who are you?"
"Woman and potential clients alike think of me as a miracle worker, but why tell you that when i can show you?"
Response When someone lectures you based on "experience"
"Look, heres the deal, theres a reason the old phrase goes, 'been around the block A FEW times', and you my friend have been around-the-block... Once time.
You haven't really learned something until you've repeated a mistake. And if you diluted yourself into thinking you dont repeat or even make mistakes your dead wrong. As long as youre human, you make mistakes, and all mistakes come in twos, especially for someone as stubborn as you."
Telling someone whose pissed you off that they need to leave
"Im an exceedingly busy person. In my list of things-to-worry-about, you and your problems are item four- maybe five... Hundred. You dont even hit my radar. Any conversation with or involving you, is a waste of my time. Youre nobody, nothing to me, persona non grata- in other words, you can leave."
How to accuse someone of lying
"Ive seen better acting in a porno movie."
When someone's wasting your time
"Listen up, Im not asshole by nature, so if i come across as frustrated or bitter, its only because my time is exceedingly valuable to me. Now you need to ____"
At the end of being a smart ass
"Nod if your understand me"
Response when someone tells you something irrelevant or that you really don't care about
"Oh, well, in that case, you can file that under : Not-my-problem."
When explaining popular beliefs
"You see most people think ______. *Smile* Most people are wrong."
Language to make people feel like they're a child
"Run home to mommy and daddy"
"You're gonna need to break open your piggy bank"
" oh look, you balls just dropped"
Someone threatens you
"Wow... That was pretty scary. Clearly youve put alot of work into that. I got chills man. Lovin' the 'serious face' btw. But ummm, I dont care."
What to say when someone is covering their ass
"Oh, so your covering your ass. Well, thats great for you, because youre a pussy and like all pussies, you love to cover your ass. As for me I love a stiff breeze against my rosy cheeks, but hey, Im a risk taker."
Someone tries to insult you invein
"You know, god needlessly punishes people all the time. He should just sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine its excruciating, what with all the self loathing and all."
What to say when someone says something cannot happen to them
"Well, as they say, you never forget your first time."
When someone asks if you even gave any thought to the effects something might have
"Ah, thats it, i knew i had forgotten to consider something"
Someone issues a long list of insults at you
"(Look at them vaugely)
...oh, youre done now, i hadnt noticed. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?"
When someone is unnessisarily angry
"I suggest you take up yoga, if not to help relieve your stress, then to gain the necessary flexibility to properly stick your head up your ass."
When someone condescends
"Im amazed at your ability to look down yr nose at other people, even with your head shoved up your ass."
Someone looses focus on the conversation
Im sorry, am i boring you?
Someone comments on something...
"Wow, you say that almost as if its any of your business..."
A stranger is trying to put you down
Im only going to say this once, so im going to say it slowly, so that you understand... You serve no purpose. You are a tree trunk. Your just as intellegent, and half as interesting. And talking with you, or about you, would be a waste of oxygen.
Someone is about to disagree with you
I can see you have an opinion, were all just waiting with baited breath to hear it
Someone says something you dont care about
If you listen closely, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring