How to win friends & influence people by Dale Carnegie Flashcards
(195 cards)
1
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“If you want to gather honey, don’t kick over the beehive”
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2
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Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be.
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3
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Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment.
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B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment.
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5
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Human nature in action, wrongdoers, blaming everybody but themselves.
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6
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Criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return;.
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7
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Book entitled Lincoln the Unknown.
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8
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In the autumn of 1842 he ridiculed a vain, pugnacious politician by the name of James Shields.
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That was the most lurid personal incident in Lincoln’s life. It taught him an invaluable lesson in the art of dealing with people. Never again did he write an insulting letter. Never again did he ridicule anyone. And from that time on, he almost never criticized anybody for anything.
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10
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Lincoln replied: “Don’t criticize them; they are just what we would be under similar circumstances. ”.
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11
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“Don’t complain about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,” said Confucius, “when your own doorstep is unclean. ”.
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12
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When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
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13
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“I will speak ill of no man,” he said, “and speak all the good I know of everybody. ” Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain—and most fools do.
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14
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It takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle “by the way he treats little men. ”.
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15
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Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all. ”.
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16
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Dr. Johnson said: “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days. ” Why should you and I?.
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17
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PRINCIPLE-1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
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18
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By making the other person want to do it. Remember, there is no other way.
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19
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The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.
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20
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Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important. ”.
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21
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William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. ”.
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22
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The rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand.
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23
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If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you.
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24
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Many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality.
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If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.
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“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. ”.
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What do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was “lack of appreciation. ”.
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We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.
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We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem?.
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In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else. The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere.
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General Obregon’s philosophy: “Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you. ”.
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That’s all flattery is—cheap praise.
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“Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself. ”.
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When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves.
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In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.
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Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised to know how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rosy beacons on your next visit.
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I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
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Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him. ”.
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Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,”.
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PRINCIPLE-2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
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Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
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The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
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Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something.
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Learned early in life that the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.
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“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. ”.
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Owen D. Young, a noted lawyer and one of America’s great business leaders, once said: “People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them. ”.
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If out of reading this book you get just one thing—an increased tendency to think always in terms of other people’s point of view, and see things from their angle—if.
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PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
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FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE PRINCIPLE 1 Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. PRINCIPLE 2 Give honest and sincere appreciation. PRINCIPLE 3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
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Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
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You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
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People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves—morning, noon and after dinner.
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It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
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Every time he went on stage he said to himself: “I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can. ”.
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To be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess—for any person, for that matter. ”.
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If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people—things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.
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If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
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Publilius Syrus, remarked: “We are interested in others when they are interested in us. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
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The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.
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Schwab’s personality, his charm, his ability to make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for his extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful factors in his personality was his captivating smile.
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Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, expressed his feelings about a smile. “People who smile,” he said, “tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children.
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They suggest that you smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile” comes through in your voice.
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You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
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You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things: First, force yourself to smile.
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William James put it: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.
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Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
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“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so. ”.
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Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ”.
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Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude—the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create.
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“A man without a smiling face must not open a shop. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 2 Smile.
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Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture,.
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The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the other names on earth put together.
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He had hundreds of people working for him who knew far more about steel than he did. But he knew how to handle people, and that is what made him rich.
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This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie’s leadership.
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P. T. Barnum, the greatest showman of his time, disappointed because he had no sons to carry on his name, offered his grandson, C. H. Seeley, $25,000 if he would call himself “Barnum” Seeley.
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Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.
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Half the time we are introduced to a stranger, we chat a few minutes and can’t even remember his or her name by the time we say goodbye.
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“To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion. ”.
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During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance.
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PRINCIPLE-3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
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I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested.
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“hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. ”.
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Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that. ”.
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Listening was not mere silence, but a form of activity.
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I really know you love me because whenever I want to talk to you about something you stop whatever you are doing and listen to me. ”.
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Edward Bok, never got more than six years of schooling in his life; yet eventually he made himself one of the most successful magazine editors in the history of American journalism.
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Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.
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If you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener.
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To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.
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The people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.
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PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
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Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.
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The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
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PRINCIPLE 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
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Always make the other person feel important.
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“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. ”.
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Almost everyone considers himself important, very important.
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The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
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Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him. ”.
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“Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 6 Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
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IN A NUSTHELL SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU PRINCIPLE-1 Become genuinely interested in other people. PRINCIPLE-2 Smile. PRINCIPLE-3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. PRINCIPLE 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. PRINCIPLE-5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. PRINCIPLE-6 Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely.
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Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face?.
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There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument—and that is to avoid it.
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Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.
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Ben Franklin used to say: If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
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One of the most common of human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance;.
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Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,”.
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Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction.
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Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
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Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate.
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Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
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Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
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Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it.
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PRINCIPLE I The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
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Alexander Pope: Men must be taught as if you taught them not,.
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Galileo said, “You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself. ”.
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“I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts. ”.
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I believe that showing respect for all customers’ opinions and treating them diplomatically and courteously will help beat the competition. ”.
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You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
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Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased.
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James Harvey Robinson’s enlightening book, The Mind in the Making. We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without any resistance or heavy emotion, but if we are told we are wrong, we resent the imputation and harden our hearts. We are incredibly heedless in the formation of our beliefs, but find ourselves filled with an illicit passion for them when anyone proposes to rob us of their companionship. It is obviously not the ideas themselves that are dear to us, but our self- esteem which is threatened.
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When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our esophagus.
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If you want some excellent suggestions about dealing with people and managing yourself and improving your personality, read Benjamin Franklin’s autobiography—one.
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Ben, you are impossible. Your opinions have a slap in them for everyone who differs with you. They have become so offensive that nobody cares for them. Your friends find they enjoy themselves better when you are not around. You know so much that no man can tell you anything. Indeed, no man is going to try, for the effort would lead only to discomfort and hard work. So you are not likely ever to know any more than you do now, which is very little.
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“I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong.
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Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles—not by my own. ”.
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Jesus said: “Agree with thine adversary quickly. ”.
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Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your adversary. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.
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PRINCIPLE 2 Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.
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That policeman, being human, wanted a feeling of importance; so when I began to condemn myself, the only way he could nourish his self-esteem was to take the magnanimous attitude of showing mercy.
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There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.
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Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes—and most fools do—but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.
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When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves—let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results;.
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Old proverb: “By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected. ”.
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PRINCIPLE-3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
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“If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours;.
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If a man’s heart is rankling with discord and ill feeling toward you, you can’t win him to your way of thinking with all the logic in Christendom.
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PRINCIPLE 4 Begin in a friendly way.
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In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree.
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The more “Yeses” we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.
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I finally learned that it doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person’s viewpoint and try to get that person saying ‘yes, yes.
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PRINCIPLE 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
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Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out.
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Even our friends would much rather talk to us about their achievements than listen to us boast about ours.
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PRINCIPLE 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
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No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.
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Ralph Waldo Emerson in his essay “Self-Reliance” stated: “In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
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Success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
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I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person—from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives—was likely to answer.
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PRINCIPLE 8 Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
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“I don’t blame you for one iota of feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do. ” An answer like that will soften the most cantankerous old cuss alive.
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Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
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Dr. Arthur I. Gates said in his splendid book, Educational Psychology: “Sympathy the human species universally craves.
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PRINCIPLE 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
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In order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives.
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People are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
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PRINCIPLE 11 Dramatize your ideas.
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“The way to get things done,” says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel. ”.
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His book 20,000 Years in Sing Sing.
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The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
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PRINCIPLE 12 Throw down a challenge.
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It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
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Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain.
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PRINCIPLE 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
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Changing the word “but” to “and. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
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Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
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PRINCIPLE 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
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Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask.
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An effective leader will use. PRINCIPLE 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
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“Firing employees is not much fun. Getting fired is even less fun. ”.
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Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote: “I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime. ”.
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PRINCIPLE 5 Let the other person save face.
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Psychologist Jess Lair comments: “Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise. ”.
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When criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention.
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Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—.
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PRINCIPLE 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. ”.
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“can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability. ” In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular traits were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
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An old saying: “Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him. ” But give him a good name—and see what happens!.
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PRINCIPLE 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
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Liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other persons know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.
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PRINCIPLE 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
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Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
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The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior: Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
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Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. Match those benefits to the other persons want. When you make your request, put it in a form the will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
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PRINCIPLE 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
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That survey revealed that the prime interest of adults is health. It also revealed that their second interest is in developing skill in human relationships—they want to learn the technique of getting along with and influencing other people.
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The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses.
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The way to develop self-confidence, he said, is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.
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Dale Carnegie would tell you that he made a living all these years, not by teaching public speaking—that was incidental. His main job was to help people conquer their fears and develop courage.
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