People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton Flashcards
(409 cards)
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If you could figure out how to bridge the gap between yourself and others, you could make your life—and theirs—much easier, happier, and more productive.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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It’s about making people differences work for, rather than against, you.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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“I could save myself a lot of wear and tear with people if I just learned to understand them.” —RALPH ELLISON
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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PEOPLE DIFFERENCES TRIGGER PEOPLE PROBLEMS
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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people with significantly different behavioral patterns: • Have a harder time establishing rapport • Are less likely to be persuasive with one another • Miscommunicate more often • Tend to rub each other the wrong way—just by being themselves
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Nora Ephron said, “You fall in love with someone, and part of what you love about him are the differences between you; and then you get married and the differences drive you crazy.” Don
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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“It is never possible to completely understand any other human being,” wrote anthropologist Edward T. Hall, “the complexity is too great.”
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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1960s, Dr. David Merrill, an industrial psychologist, developed a typology that focused on the behavioral differences between people. The people styles model (also referred to as a behavioral styles model)
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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There are four people styles, none of which is better or worse than any of the other styles. • Although each person is unique, people of the same style are similar in important ways. • Each style has potential strengths and weaknesses that aren’t shared by the other styles. • No style is more or less likely to be a predictor of success or failure. • The behavioral patterns of each style tend to trigger tension in people of the other styles. • Getting in sync with the style-based behaviors of the person you are with helps reduce interpersonal tension, thereby fostering well-functioning and productive relationships.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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we can’t avoid categorizing people or anything else that we want to understand and communicate about. We can categorize well or we can categorize poorly. But we can’t not categorize.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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once you have a high-quality set of categories, you need to use them skillfully.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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benefit from recognizing that people differ in valuable ways and supplement your own abilities with the strengths of people who are very different from yourself.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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figure out how to bridge the interpersonal gap so you are in sync with the other person’s way of working.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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People Are More Predictable than You Might Think
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Lewis Thomas, the noted physician and essayist, wrote in exasperation, “Our behavior toward each other is the strangest, most unpredictable, and almost entirely unaccountable of all the phenomena with which we are obliged to live.”
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Arnold Mandell.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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When Mandell saw a neat locker, he would predict, usually correctly, that the player was on the offensive team, liked structure and discipline, enjoyed the repetitious practice of well-designed plays, and was rather conservative. When he saw a messy locker, Mandell was generally successful in assuming that the player was on the defensive team, disliked structure, was apt to challenge rules and regulations, and would be more difficult to manage than his counterparts on the offensive team.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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A GOOD MODEL HELPS YOU MAKE BETTER PREDICTIONS
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Models are tools for the mind.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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how models function: • Models identify and concentrate attention on the few really significant factors in a situation. • They enable you to interpret what you observe. They help you organize your observations so you can find new and rich meaning from data that previously would not have had much, if any, significance for you. • Models provide a reasonably accurate picture of reality despite all the data they eliminate from consideration. • They enable you to predict the probable outcome of a course of action, with the result that you are able to perform model-related functions better and faster.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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A people style is a cluster of habitual assertive and responsive behaviors that have a pervasive and enduring influence on one’s actions.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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organizational consultant,
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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An employer has no business with a man’s personality. Employment is a specific contract calling for a specific performance, and nothing else. Any attempt by an employer to go beyond this is usurpation. It is an immoral as well as illegal intrusion of privacy.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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You don’t need to probe the inner sanctum of your co-workers, friends, or loved ones to improve your relationship with them. All you need to do is better understand the behavior that’s there for you and everyone else to see. Then respond appropriately.
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People Styles at Work…And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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One’s style is determined by habitual rather than occasional behaviors.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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people aren’t robots doing exactly the same behavior again and again. Rather, they do the same type of behavior repeatedly.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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assertiveness and responsiveness are two clusters of behavior that are especially important in determining a person’s style.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Since you can’t change your dominant style, you’d be wise to accept and celebrate it. And because other people can’t change their dominant style, you’ll interact more effectively with them when you respect and get in sync with their natural style.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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There are four people styles, none of which is better or worse than any of the other styles. • The population is evenly divided among the styles. • We are all four-style people—that is, each of us has some degree of access to the characteristic behavioral tendencies of all four of the styles. • Each of us, however, has a dominant style—a set of behaviors that we’re more adept at, especially comfortable with, and use frequently.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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When you are dealing with people, there are no certainties—but there are significant probabilities.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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“Who am I and what, if anything, can I do about it?” —ALDOUS HUXLEY
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Machiavelli noted in his treatise on leadership, “To lead or attempt to lead without first having a knowledge of self is foolhardy and is sure to bring disaster and defeat.”
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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read each item from the standpoint of the way you think other people see you. It may help to think of three people you work
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Discipline yourself to be as objective as possible.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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select the statement that represents how a majority might view you—even a small majority of 51 percent. Force yourself to make a choice
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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think in terms of “more than” or “slower than” half of the population.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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1. More likely to lean back when stating opinions More likely to be erect or lean forward when stating opinions 2. Less use of hands when talking More use of hands when talking 3. Demonstrates less energy Demonstrates more energy 4. More controlled body movement More flowing body movement 5. Less forceful gestures More forceful gestures 6. Less facial expressiveness More facial expressiveness 7. Softer voice Louder voice 8. Appears more serious Appears more fun-loving 9. More likely to ask questions More likely to make statements 10. Less inflection in voice More inflection in voice 11. Less apt to exert pressure for action More apt to exert pressure for action 12. Less apt to show feelings More apt to show feelings 13. More tentative when expressing opinions Less tentative when expressing opinions 14. More task-oriented conversations More people-oriented conversations 15. Slower to resolve problem situations Quicker to resolve problem situations 16. More oriented toward facts and logic More oriented toward feelings and opinions 17. Slower-paced Faster-paced 18. Less likely to use small-talk or tell anecdotes More likely to use small-talk and tell anecdotes __ __ __ __ Total Scores
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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a person’s level of assertiveness is the degree to which his behavior is typically seen by others as being forceful or directive.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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lower levels of assertiveness indicate submissiveness. Not so. While some less assertive people are submissive, most of these folks simply use less forceful ways to achieve their goals.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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assertiveness refers to a person’s behavior—that which can be seen and heard—rather than to inner qualities. Many less-assertive people have a strong inner drive, despite the fact that what people see—their behavior—would not generally be perceived as forceful or directive.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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They achieve success in a manner that’s softer and quieter than that of their behaviorally more assertive colleagues.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Characteristic Behaviors of More-Assertive People Compared to less assertive people, those who are more assertive: • Gesture more vigorously • Have more intense eye contact • Move more rapidly • Exude more energy • Are more erect or forward leaning, especially when making a point • Speak more rapidly • Speak louder • Speak more often • Address problems more quickly • Decide more quickly • Exhibit more risk-oriented behavior • Are more confrontational • Are more direct and forceful when expressing opinions, making requests, and giving directions • Exert more pressure for making a decision or for taking action • Demonstrate anger more quickly
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Characteristic Behaviors of Less-Assertive People Compared to more assertive people, those who are less assertive do the following: • Gesture less vigorously • Have less intense eye contact • Move more slowly • Demonstrate less energy • Lean back a bit when making a point • Speak less rapidly • Speak more softly • Speak less often • Are slower to address problems • Take more time to arrive at decisions • Exhibit less risk-oriented behavior • Are less confrontational • Are less direct and less forceful when expressing opinions, making requests, and giving directions • Exert less pressure for making a decision or taking action • Demonstrate anger less quickly
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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A person’s level of responsiveness is the degree to which she is seen by others as showing her own emotions and demonstrating awareness of the feelings of others.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Individuals who tend to be emotionally reserved are said to be “above the line.” Those who are more emotionally disclosing and more aware of the feelings of others are referred to as “below the line.”
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Characteristic Behaviors of More-Responsive People Compared to the less-responsive half of the population, more-responsive people: • Express feelings more openly • Appear more friendly • Are more facially expressive • Gesture more freely • Have more vocal inflection • Are more comfortable with small talk • Use more anecdotes and stories • Express more concern about the impact that decisions and policies may have on people Figure 4-2 The responsiveness continuum. • Prefer working with others to working alone • Dress more casually • Are less structured in their use of time
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Characteristic Behaviors of Less-Responsive People Compared to the more-responsive half of the population, less-responsive people: • Are less disclosing of feelings • Appear more reserved • Have less facial expressiveness • Gesture less often • Have less vocal inflection • Are less interested in and less adept at “small talk” • Use facts and logic more than anecdotes • Are more task-oriented • Are more comfortable working alone • Dress more formally • Are more structured in their use of time
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Analytical is the name given to the style in the upper-left portion of the people styles grid. Analyticals combine greater-than-average emotional restraint with lower-than-average assertiveness. • The Driving style is found in the upper-right section of the grid. Drivers combine greater-than-average emotional restraint with a higher-than-average level of assertiveness. • The Amiable style is located in the lower-left quadrant. Amiables integrate higher-than-average emotional responsiveness with less assertiveness than half of the population. • Expressives are positioned in the lower-right area of the grid. They blend a higher-than-average level of assertiveness with a higher-than-average level of emotional expressiveness.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Early in life, one style emerged as your favorite, and you now rely primarily on that style.
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Merrill and his colleague Roger Reid noted: When our research was completed … we had evidence to challenge the notion that the most successful persons in business are more assertive. In addition, responsiveness or lack of it did not appear to be consistently related to success. Successful, well-regarded career persons were found along all ranges of the assertiveness and responsiveness scales—just as were less successful individuals.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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the “thought person” [Analytical], the “action person” [Driver], the “people person” [Amiable], and the “front person” [Expressive]. Drucker
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Benjamin Franklin wrote, “There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one’s self.”
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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half of the people doing a People Style Self-Assessment don’t identify their style correctly. That’s why it makes sense to treat this self-assessment as a working hypothesis.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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THE DRIVER STYLE
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Drivers are fast-paced. They speak rapidly, walk swiftly, decide quickly, and work efficiently. When they delegate, they’re apt to want the assignment completed “yesterday.” They sometimes get impatient if you are not speaking, deciding, and producing at the fast clip they expect. These are get-it-done people.
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come up with a motto for the Driver style,
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Drivers are often puzzled by others’ strong reactions to their reversals of position.
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Drivers are so fast-paced and action-oriented that they sometimes improvise a hasty and ill-conceived change of course that merely sets the stage for a new set of problems.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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excel at time management.
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Drivers love to set high but realistic objectives and then make steady and efficient progress toward achieving them.
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Much of the Drivers’ body language telegraphs their purposefulness.
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so preoccupied with the immediate situation that they are unaware of valuable lessons from the past.
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Drivers are tell-oriented. Their speech is fast-paced, their comments are direct and to the point, and they include less detail and redundancy than most people.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Drivers tend to be more task-oriented than people-oriented.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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the Drivers’ exceptionally strong focus on task sometimes makes them oblivious to other people’s needs and interests.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Drivers are generally so busy doing and talking that they don’t do nearly enough listening.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Expressives love the limelight. They work best when they receive lots of positive feedback. This spirited style bristles with energy.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Expressives want to be where the action is. They gravitate toward exciting, fast-moving activities. They like to be continually on the go.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Expressives tend to be visionaries.
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Follow-through is where Expressives tend to be especially weak. They’re quickly bored with the many humdrum details
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Expressives are impulsive. They’re likely to change directions on the spur of the moment. People of this style have a tendency to act first and think later.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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You Analyticals plan for eventualities that never happen. And planning is such a drag.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Time management is a major challenge for Expressives.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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They’re often late to meetings or may miss them altogether.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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The Expressive is the most outgoing of the styles. These extroverts relate easily and seemingly effortlessly to strangers and have a large circle of acquaintances.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Emotions play a dominant role in the Expressive’s decision-making process. They rely less on facts and more on hunches, opinions, and intuition
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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crank up the volume when they speak.
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When Expressives speak, their whole body joins in.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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“I speak to find out what I’m thinking.”
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Storytelling is part and parcel of the Expressive’s approach to communicating.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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The Expressive will likely be up-front about saying what he does or doesn’t like. This is a tell-it-like-it-is style.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Expressives are long on talking and short on listening.
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When you want to communicate with an Expressive, do it verbally if you can, and face-to-face if that’s possible.
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key to a lively gathering is to be sure a number of Expressives are invited.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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THE AMIABLE STYLE
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The Amiable gets things done in a manner that’s less assertive than average,
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Amiables are very people-oriented. Their friendly, easygoing manner lends warmth and harmony to their interactions with others.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Amiables undergird their friendliness with empathy.
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They’re concerned about what other people think and want. They’re often more interested in hearing your concerns than in expressing their own. Amiables are especially sensitive to other people’s feelings.
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Amiable normally likes to work with others, especially in small groups or one on one.
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Amiables are less likely than the more assertive styles to seek power for themselves.
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they are the unsung heroes of many a team effort.
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Amiables are often more able than other styles to speak realistically about the human consequences of a decision under consideration.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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The Amiable’s body language is relaxed and low key.
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They’re comfortable with eye contact and are facially expressive. Many Amiables are reluctant to “tell it like it is” for fear of alienating the other person.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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When seething inwardly, they often present a calm exterior.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Amiables treasure harmonious relationships, they are natural peacemakers
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Some Amiables prefer to have the organization define their role and set their goals—as long as the demands aren’t unreasonable.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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If you persist too long in treating them in ways they don’t like, they’ll eventually become angry and can be slow to forgive or forget.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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THE ANALYTICAL STYLE
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They value exactness, prefer quality over quantity, want things they’re associated with to be right.
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Their watchword is, “Let’s do it right the first time so we don’t have to do it over.”
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These people are sticklers for detail since they’re convinced that rigorous attention to every aspect of a project,
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The Analytical is known for being systematic and well organized.
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Many take calculated risks, but some are reluctant to do even that. As a rule, they’d rather be safe than sorry.
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The Analytical’s perfectionistic quest for quality leads her to set exceedingly high standards.
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This is the most introverted of the styles. Analyticals are private people who are often seen by others as aloof.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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The Analytical likes to be alone or with just a few other people.
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Henry David Thoreau wrote, “I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning when nobody calls.”
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Analyticals are the quietest of the styles.
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Analyticals are similar to Amiables in their tendency to be indirect when making a request or stating an opinion.
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Analyticals don’t wear their feelings on their sleeve, and sometimes are seen by others as cold or detached.
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Expressives, in particular, become even more upset when an Analytical tries to get them to talk calmly and rationally during brouhaha.
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• Note the gifts—the potential strengths—of your style. • Develop those gifts into actual strengths. • Capitalize on those strengths.
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Figure 8-1 Potential strengths of each people style.
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The Gallup Organization asked more than 1.7 million employees, “What percentage of a typical day do you spend playing to your strengths?” Less than 20 percent responded, “most of the time.”
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researchers found that people who are mismatched to their jobs are significantly less productive, less customer-focused, and more likely to leave their place of employment than those whose abilities are well matched to their work.
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AVOID OVERRELYING ON YOUR STRENGTHS
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Alexandre Dumas. The line, “Any virtue carried to the extreme can become a crime,”
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Figure 8-2 Drivers’ strengths become weaknesses when overused.
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Marcus Buckingham, a former executive of the Gallup Organization, emphasized, “You will excel only by maximizing your strengths, never by fixing your weaknesses.”
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In dealing with your weaknesses the challenge is to focus narrowly on one crucial weakness—the one that could most damage your performance.
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planning fallacy often plagues efforts to change a dysfunctional pattern of behavior.
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• The time needed to overcome the weakness • The effort required • Distractions like unexpected problems (and opportunities) that sidetrack them from the planned improvement • After overcoming a flaw, how much maintenance will be required to preserve the gains for the rest of their lives
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A complementary partner is someone who is strong where you are weak and will supplement your efforts to achieve a goal.
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No style handles excessive stress graciously. Each has its predictable and unproductive way of reacting to too much pressure.
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backup behavior relieves some stress for the short term, it has very costly side effects and is highly contagious.
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A person’s backup style is an automatic reaction to an overload of stress, which results in an extreme, inappropriate, and inflexible distortion of the person’s normal style-based behavior.
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People’s speech and actions when in backup are inappropriate; what they say and do is unsuitable for the situation and ignores the needs and feelings of others.
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One’s backup style is a protective mechanism that’s set off by excessive stress.
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Hans Selye, M.D., regarded as the world’s leading stress researcher, emphasized that suitable levels of stress add zest to life. On the one hand, he found that optimal levels of stress contribute enormously to one’s performance.
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excessive stress erodes one’s performance and causes such wear and tear on the body that it can be a major factor in all manner of diseases.
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Even when you are not aware of being overstressed, your subconscious gets the picture and propels you into backup, thereby limiting the escalation of stress.
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Although the shift to one’s backup style is instinctive, there’s no need to let it run your life.
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• Expressives (who normally are highly assertive and emotionally demonstrative) attack. • Drivers (who normally are highly assertive and emotionally restrained) become autocratic. • Amiables (who normally are less assertive and more emotive than most people) acquiesce. • Analyticals (who are less assertive and less emotive than most people) avoid participation and emotional involvement.
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Expressives in Backup: Attacking
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they become even more assertive and more emotional.
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tends to be relatively short-lived. Almost immediately after the Expressive has blown his stack, he’s ready to resume normal interactions as if nothing had happened.
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Drivers in Backup: Autocratic
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these normally strong-willed people become even more controlling.
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The normally fast-paced Drivers tend to decide and act even quicker when in backup, which puts enormous pressure on the slower-paced styles.
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Amiables in Backup: Acquiescing
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In periods of low stress, Amiables are quiet, friendly, and cooperative people who like to relate to others with minimal interpersonal tension. Excessive stress increases the Amiables’ efforts to avoid conflict by appeasing others.
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In backup, Amiables go overboard in appearing cooperative and in trying to minimize interpersonal tension.
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It’s often difficult to know when an Amiable has moved into backup.
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if you carefully observe the Amiable’s body language you’ll note that there has been a subtle change. Although you may hear agreeable words, the “music”—the body language—has changed.
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Amiables take longer to move into backup than the more assertive styles. Once in backup, however, Amiables tend to remain in backup quite a bit longer.
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Though slow to anger, they are also slow to forgive and forget.
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poet Dryden cautioned, “Beware [of] the fury of a patient man.”
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Expressives and Drivers have little patience with the peace-at-any-price behavior of an Amiable in backup.
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Analyticals in Backup: Avoiding
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Analyticals are quiet, emotionally reserved people. When they experience an overload of tension, they withdraw further into themselves, withholding both their thoughts and their feelings from others.
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Drivers, who like to tackle things head-on, are frustrated by the Analytical’s avoidance when in backup.
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Expressives and Amiables dislike the extreme emotional withdrawal of an Analytical in backup.
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secondary backup style that is out-of-the-box behavior at the opposite end of the assertion continuum.
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when anyone is in the secondary backup style, he is extremely ineffective.
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you can decrease the likelihood of shifting into dysfunctional behavior by improving your stress management.
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1. Keep tabs on your stress level, and when it surges, find ways to reduce it.
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2. Identify the kinds of events and the types of people that trigger your overreactions.
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Forewarned is forearmed.
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four ways to contain the damage when you find yourself in backup. Take a “Time Out” for Yourself
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Decrease Your Use of Backup Behavior
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the movement into one’s backup style is an automatic reaction, not a conscious choice. However, once you are in backup, it’s possible to regain control of your behavior.
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Don’t Save Your Backup Behavior for Loved Ones Ironically, it’s not uncommon for people to employ more constructive behavior at work than with the people they’re closest to. They sometimes mitigate their backup behavior at work but resort to their full-blown backup tendencies in the more casual atmosphere of the home.
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Avoid Making Decisions When in Backup When “under the influence” of backup style, your judgment is severely impaired—and when your judgment is malfunctioning, it’s no time to solve problems or make decisions.
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One of the most difficult interpersonal challenges we face is dealing constructively with others when they’re in backup. Here’s how to make the best of these difficult situations. Expect That People Won’t Always Be at Their Best
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Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and philosopher, wrote, “Every morning when I leave my house, I say to myself, ‘Today I shall meet an impudent man, an ungrateful one, one who talks too much. Therefore do not be surprised.’ ”
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There is nothing subtle or unobtrusive about their out-of-the-box behavior. But with Amiables and occasionally with Analyticals, it can be difficult to spot the sometimes subtle differences between normal and backup behavior.
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backup behavior is highly contagious and tends to quickly trigger dysfunctional reactions in others.
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switch your attention from the unpleasantness of that person’s disagreeable behavior to what is triggering that behavior—an enormous buildup of stress.
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Remind yourself that the person’s movement into rigid and frustrating behavior was an automatic response, not a conscious choice. It’s a safety valve that’s hardwired into her nervous system to protect her from the ravages of dangerous levels of stress.
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Don’t Do Business with Someone Who Is in Backup Avoid discussing significant issues when the other person is in backup.
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When Others Are in Backup, Don’t Try to Talk Them out of It
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Expressive is in backup, people often say, “For heaven’s sake, stop shouting, will you? Let’s talk this over like two rational human beings.” When an Analytical in backup withdraws into his shell, people often say, “Get it off your chest.” When a Driver becomes more intense and directive than usual, people are likely to say, “Relax, take it easy.” When an Amiable is acquiescing, people may say, “Come on, speak up! It’s obvious that something is upsetting you.” These kinds of statements, which are meant to improve a tense situation, usually have the opposite effect.
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“You never know till you try to reach them how accessible men are; but you must approach each man by the right door.” —HENRY WARD BEECHER,
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When two people of different styles live or work together, one or both must adjust. If neither adapts to the other, communication will deteriorate, cooperation will decline, the relationship will be stressed, and in work situations productivity will inevitably slump.
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When people of different styles don’t get along, the problem isn’t incompatibility; the problem usually is inflexibility. People of very different styles can collaborate fruitfully when one or both of them make an effort to adapt to the other.
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Interpersonal flexibility is the ability to adapt to a wide variety of people in ways that are relatively stress-free for them.
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“I’ll do what I can to make it easy for others to relate to me.”
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low interpersonal flexibility are “tone deaf” to the ways other people like to be treated.
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Low-flex people typically are confident that their way is the right way.
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in the quest for improved relationships, people typically try to change their spouse,
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Mark Twain observed, “Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.”
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The primary leverage you have for improving a relationship is your own behavior.
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taking the initiative in improving the relationship will generally create three positive outcomes for you. First, you don’t have to wait for the other person to come around to your manner of doing things in order to relate effectively or function productively with that person. That could be a v-e-r-y long wait.
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your ability and willingness to adapt to the other person can help you achieve your goals.
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When you make it easier and more comfortable for another person to work with you, that person often changes his behavior in ways that you appreciate.
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Style flex involves taking the initiative for improving the relationship.
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Select no more than two to three types of behavior to adjust. Experience shows that most people can’t effectively make more than two or three kinds of adjustments at a time.
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psychologists Clifford Notorius and Howard Markham concluded, “Little changes in you can lead to huge changes in the relationship.”
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only flex your style when it is appropriate.
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manipulate is “to manage or influence skillfully, especially in an unfair manner.” Much manipulation is “being ‘nice’ to people at their expense.”
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three important reasons for not succumbing to this temptation: 1. To manipulate others is to harm yourself.
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2. Manipulation is more likely to work against you than for you.
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3. Manipulation is unethical.
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One of the main reasons people conceal their opinion is to get along better with others. But if you repeatedly downplay, conceal, or misrepresent your point of view to blend in with the person or group you are with, your relationships are bound to deteriorate over time.
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Lewis Thomas, the noted physician, says, “We are biologically designed to be truthful to each other.”
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Doctor Zhivago, Boris Pasternak writes, “Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel. Our nervous system isn’t just a fiction; it’s a part of our physical body. It can’t be forever violated with impunity.”
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Psychiatrist Erich Fromm adds, “If someone violates his moral and intellectual integrity, he weakens or even paralyzes his total personality.”
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People sometimes get the idea that style flex is just a pretentious name for conformity.
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Experts on interpersonal communication distinguish between the content and the process of an interaction. The content of a conversation is WHAT is said—the information that’s exchanged, the proposals that are discussed, the decisions that are made. Process refers to HOW people are communicating: the tenor of the conversation, the intensity of body language, the amount of air time each person uses, and so forth.
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he tailors his approach, not his position.
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By creating a less stressful interpersonal process through style flex, you can pave the way for a constructive discussion of difficult issues.
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how a proposal is presented can be as crucial to its getting a good hearing as to what the proposal contains.
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“When a relationship isn’t going well, don’t do more of the same; try something different.”
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• Step 1: Identify.
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• Step 2: Plan.
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• Step 3: Implement.
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• Step 4: Evaluate.
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Monitoring During a conversation, do an occasional mental check to see if your behavior is having a positive impact on the interaction.
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After-the-Conversation Critiquing From time to time, and especially after important conversations, take a moment to evaluate how effectively you communicated.
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style flex is the temporary adjustment of a few behaviors.
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Psychiatrist Leonard Zunin, in his book Contact: The First Four Minutes, points out that there’s a sense in which people “restart” their relationship every time they meet.
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A key to enhancing your relationships is to make each fresh start a positive one.
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Sociologist Erving Goffman’s research demonstrated that shortly after a conversation has begun it’s possible to predict with considerable accuracy how effective it will be.
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you can make the most of many conversations by getting in step with the other person at the outset.
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open in parallel and then, after a few minutes, relax your efforts. Keep monitoring the interaction, though, and if the other person’s tension begins to increase, resume flexing your style. Then ease into your natural conversational mode after a few more minutes.
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Holmes told his companion, “You see but you do not observe.”
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separate the observation of behavior from making inferences about the behavior.
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Style identification is based on the observation of behavior.
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when asked to observe and describe behavior, people often report their inferences.
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When it comes to identifying a person’s style, discipline yourself to focus strictly on behavior—on what the person says or does. Avoid the tendency to jump from observation of behavior to conclusions about the person’s thoughts or feelings.
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communication researchers estimate that a person is bombarded with about ten thousand sensory perceptions a second.
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Seven types of behavior, noted in Figure 13-1, are especially useful indicators of a person’s level of assertiveness.
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assertion is a syndrome—a collection of behavioral characteristics that typically cluster together.
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Focus on three pairs of words: more/less, faster/slower, louder/softer. The more assertive styles (Drivers and Expressives) speak more, gesture more, and demonstrate more energy than most people. They talk faster and move faster than half the population. They speak louder.
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The less assertive styles (Amiables and Analyticals) demonstrate less energy and less movement, and they tend to speak less than the average person. They are somewhat slower moving and they talk slower. Their voices are usually quieter.
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The feelings of more-responsive people (Amiables and Expressives) are quite transparent. These emotionally demonstrative people have more facial animation and more vocal inflection than most people. Their gestures and posture tend to be more flowing than average. And they tend to be more aware of other people’s feelings than half of the population.
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The less-responsive styles (Analyticals and Drivers) are less emotionally disclosing than half of the population. It’s often difficult to “read” what they are feeling. As the saying goes, they have “a stiff upper lip.” They have less facial animation and less vocal inflection than most people. They gesture less and their gestures and posture tend to be less flowing than average. Furthermore, they tend to be less aware of other people’s feelings than half of the population.
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when trying to identify someone’s style, temporarily take a back seat in the conversation.
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Since people styles is a behavioral model, the best clues for identifying someone’s style are nonverbal.
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one of the most frequent mistakes in style identification comes from assuming a person is a Driver when, in reality, she is an Expressive.
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discuss how your manager would like you to work with him.
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whenever possible, give people the freedom to do things their way.
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You’ll never get peak performance from your associates if you expect them to do everything the way you’d do it.
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Savvy managers encourage their people to use their own style and capitalize on their natural strengths, rather than attempt to make them into pale imitations of themselves.
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when appropriate, use style flex in team meetings.
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Once rapport is established, flex to the task. Alternate between flexing to the person and flexing to the task as needed.
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It took a lot of Shelly’s energy to flex back and forth between her coworker and the project. But Shelly thought the results justified the effort. The project was a solid success, and the relationship was stronger than ever.
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clash between two Drivers, it’s usually because they’re both bringing high levels of assertiveness to the interaction.
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Expressives love the limelight.
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When Amiables get frustrated with each other, it may be that each is waiting for the other to give his ideas.
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When Analyticals irritate one another, the reason may be that they are so indecisive or so perfectionistic that they miss one important deadline after another.
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Analyticals can have with one another is that, even more than people of other styles, these people have a need to be right.
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A general guideline for what to do when you are in a style clash with a person of your own style is to moderate your behavior toward the opposite corner of the grid:
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Hillel, a renowned Jewish scholar of the first century of the Common Era,
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Do not unto thy neighbor what is hateful unto thee; that is the whole law. All the rest is commentary.
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• Buddhism. Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful—Udana-Varga, 5, 18 • Brahmanism. This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you.—Mahabharata, 5, 1517 • Christianity. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.—Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31 • Confucianism. Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not unto others that you would not have them do unto you.—Analects, 15, 23 • Islam. No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself.—Sunnah • Taoism. Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.—T’ai Shang Kan Ying P’ien • Zoroastrianism. That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself.—Dadistani-dinik, 94, 5.
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list the three main ways they like to be treated.
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People want to be treated: 1. Respectfully 2. Fairly 3. Honestly
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people who tended to have troubled relationships were usually gravely deficient in one or more of these qualities.
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Treating Each Individual as a Person Some people are surprised at the suggestion that they demonstrate respect for everyone they meet.
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When you speak, make sure your manner is respectful rather than patronizing.
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The existence of cultural norms is a precondition of coordinated social behavior.
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Cultural rules for relating to one another make interactions safer psychologically—another
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Jonathan Swift, the author of Gulliver’s Travels, once said, Good manners is the art of making those people easy with whom we converse. Whoever makes the fewest persons uneasy has the best manners….
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bad manners are bad business.
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Author Dorothy Parker observed, “Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness.”
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When a person’s manners are merely an empty formality, they are a barrier to vital relationships.
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two questions can help you be reasonably fair in your dealings with others. First, ask yourself: Am I using a win–win approach?
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philosopher Immanuel Kant: Would I be willing to be the recipient of my action?
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Honest people consistently do three things. First, they steadfastly refuse to make misleading statements.
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Second, honest people are forthright. They don’t withhold important information.
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Honest people communicate the facts truthfully even when it’s to their disadvantage to do so.
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Finally, truly honest people are genuine. They don’t seem to be other than who they really are.
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Sometimes people who are strong on honesty are weak on respect. However, the person who is genuinely flexible says what he truly believes and, at the same time, treats others with respect.
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Roger Williams, the founder of the state of Rhode Island
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“His personal relations with men of all parties were marked by both frank controversy and friendliness…. Williams had learned the high art of carrying on a battle of ideas without loss of respect, esteem and affection.”
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The Bible refers to this ability as “speaking the truth in love.”
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“The family is the nucleus of civilization.” —ARIEL AND WILL DURANT
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If you are in a long-term intimate relationship, there’s a 95 percent probability that your partner’s style is different from yours.
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Karl Menninger, the famous psychiatrist, said that it’s amazing how many “marital partners live out their lives in complete ignorance of one another’s nature.”
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nine out of ten people in our culture believe that love is the most important contributor to happiness.
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Forty-three percent of first marriages break up within fifteen years.
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Psychotherapist Erich Fromm said, “There is hardly any activity … which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love.”
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G. K. Chesterton said, “I have known many a happy marriage but never a compatible one.”
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Long-term couple relationships generally evolve through a succession of phases: • Phase I: Attraction • Phase II: Frustration • Phase III: Adjustment • Phase IV: Devotion
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Only a minority of couples make it through all four phases.
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folks of different styles (not necessarily opposite ones) generally attract each another.
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When two people live together, there are two sets of habitual behavioral preferences but only one relationship.
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Carl Jung, the noted psychotherapist, said, “Seldom, or perhaps never, does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crisis; … without pain.”
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qualities cited by intimate partners as having first attracted them to each other are usually the same ones that are identified as sources of conflict later on in the relationship.
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each person typically tries to change the other’s “bad” qualities, many of which are style-related. But people generally resist efforts to reform them. Additionally, most behaviors targeted for reform are deeply entrenched habits.
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people of different styles handle conflict differently. You’ll recall from Chapter 8 that in conflict, Drivers become autocratic, Expressives attack, Analyticals clam up and avoid emotional involvement, and Amiables acquiesce, but often with a resentful heart.
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most divorces occur in the first two years of marriage.
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the frustration phase can contribute significantly to the development of genuine love.
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it’s important to understand the difficulties posed by the way that person is different from you.
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Couples often become so busy ferrying children and attending their activities that they don’t give their own relationship the time and attention it needs.
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And while they are overbusy with their children, many couples find that they are needed by their own parents, who are entering old age.
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shifting their mode of operation from trying to change their partner to trying to adjust to him or her. It’s not easy.
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Shift from a Mindset of Judgment to a Mindset of Acceptance
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For love to flourish, partners need to be mainly accepting of one another. It helps that people often come to realize that they overreacted in the frustration phase and that things weren’t as bad as they had thought.
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Albert Camus said, “We … deceive ourselves twice about the people we love—first to their advantage, then to their disadvantage.”
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relationship is, in some sense, the attempt to work out the negative side effects of what attracts you to your partner in the first place.” So, part of the art of loving is knowing what to overlook.
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Change Yourself, Not Your Partner
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“You can only change your half of a relationship.”
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most of us choose a mate whose strengths offset our weaknesses.
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as the years pass, they tend to take their mate’s contributions for granted. They seldom note opportunities to express appreciation.
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Charles Dickens character, “We are two halves of a pair of scissors when apart; but together we are something.”
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The final phase of love is devotion. Three characteristics stand out in this blossoming of a couple’s togetherness. Both Persons Have a Realistic Confidence in the Relationship They trust the durability of their love.
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They Enjoy a Rich Intimacy Unlike Phase I intimacy, which is full of youthful exuberance and fireworks, Phase IV intimacy is relaxed and tranquil.
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They “Go with the Flow” of the Relationship Even in this stage of love, the partners accept that there will inevitably be fluctuations in the affection and support that they extend to one another.
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Rainer Maria Rilke, the great lyric poet of Germany, writes: For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
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Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard University professor of psychology, reviewed several studies and concluded that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child and doesn’t improve until the last child has left home.
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Robin Simon concluded, “Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers.”
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Accepting your children’s basic nature with all its inherent strengths and limitations is crucial to helping them flourish.
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the parents are at war with each other and their unfortunate child is the battlefield.
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APPENDIX I For Amiables Only: How to Flex to Each Style
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As an Amiable, you have much in common with Analyticals. You are similar on one of the two behavioral dimensions of style: Both of you are less assertive than most people. Consequently, Analyticals tend to appreciate your low-key ways.
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Be More Task-Oriented The Analytical is usually more task-oriented, and the Amiable tends to be more people-oriented.
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1. Be on time.
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2. Get right to business.
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3. Be a bit more formal.
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4. Maintain a somewhat reserved demeanor.
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De-emphasize Feelings You can get more in sync with Analyticals by being less emotionally disclosing.
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1. Decrease your eye contact.
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2. Limit your facial expressiveness.
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3. Limit your gestures.
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4. Avoid touch.
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5. Talk about what you think rather than about what you feel.
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6. Don’t upset yourself over the Analytical’s impersonal and unfeeling manner.
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Be Systematic Analyticals like to be systematic about most things they’re associated with.
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1. Set high standards.
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2. Plan your work.
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3. Work your plan.
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4. Develop superior procedures.
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5. Continually improve procedures.
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6. Be more rigorous in following established procedures.
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Be Well Organized, Detailed, and Factual Analyticals, the most perfectionistic of the styles, are particular about the way things are presented to them. They expect you to be well organized, detailed, and factual in your communication.
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FLEXING TO EXPRESSIVES As an Amiable, you have much in common with Expressives. You are similar on one of the two basic dimensions of style: Both of you are more responsive than most people. Consequently, Expressives tend to appreciate your warmth, your friendliness, and your focus on people.
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Your major challenge in flexing to Expressives is to get in sync with some of their more-assertive behaviors.
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Pick Up the Pace Expressives tend to do everything at a faster pace than Amiables.
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Demonstrate Higher Energy Expressives are high-energy people.
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Focus on the Big Picture Expressives want to take a macro view of things. They quickly become impatient when a discussion turns to the nitty-gritty.
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Say What You Think Expressives speak candidly and directly. Amiables are apt to keep their thoughts to themselves and speak somewhat tentatively and indirectly.
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Facilitate Self-Determination Expressives like to set their own direction. They want to do things their way.
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FLEXING TO DRIVERS As an Amiable you differ from the Driver on both of the basic dimensions of style: The Driver is more assertive and less responsive than you are.
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Pick Up the Pace Drivers tend to do everything at a fast pace. You often relate better to Drivers when you increase your pace considerably.
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Demonstrate Higher Energy Drivers are typically high-energy people. When relating to Drivers, there are times when you’ll need to put more vigor into what you say and do.
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Be More Task-Oriented The Driver is usually more task-oriented, and the Amiable tends to be more people-oriented. When working with a Driver, you may want to give increased attention to the task side of things.
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De-emphasize Feelings Drivers are less emotionally aware and less disclosing of their feelings than most people. You can get more in sync with Drivers by being less emotionally disclosing. Be more reserved without becoming cold or aloof.
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Be Clear About Your Goals and Plans Drivers are the most goal-oriented of the styles. They also take a more planned approach to their work than most people. The Amiable is more apt to take a fairly casual approach to goal setting and planning. This can become a point of tension between the two styles.
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Say What You Think Drivers tend to speak up and express themselves candidly and directly. Amiables are more likely to keep their thoughts to themselves and speak somewhat tentatively and indirectly.
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APPENDIX II For Drivers Only: How to Flex to Each Style
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FLEXING TO EXPRESSIVES As a Driver, you have much in common with Expressives. You are similar on one of the two behavioral dimensions of style: Both of you are more assertive than most people. Consequently, Expressives tend to appreciate your energetic, fast-paced ways. In flexing to Expressives, your major challenge is to get in sync with some of their more-responsive behaviors.
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Make Personal Contact Expressives like to have personal contact with those they work with. It’s important to them that they get to know you and that you get to know them personally. Drivers need to remind themselves to take the time and make the effort to establish personal contact with Expressives they work with.
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Focus More on Feelings Expressives are very much in touch with and disclosing of their feelings. Whatever those feelings are, they influence and sometimes even dominate the Expressive’s decisions, actions, and responses to others. Since Drivers are much less emotive, getting in sync with an Expressive’s feelings is a key to working effectively with her.
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Cooperate with the Expressive’s Conversational Spontaneity It’s important to realize that when Expressives talk, they’re often “thinking out loud.”
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Be Open to the Expressive’s Fun-Loving Side Expressives are the most playful and fun-loving of the styles. They like to mix pleasure with business. If you lighten up a little when working with an Expressive, you may be able to get more done than if you stick strictly to business.
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Give the Expressive Recognition Expressives, even more than most people, like recognition.
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Communicate on the Expressive’s Wavelength When speaking with an Expressive, realize that information you find convincing may carry little weight with the Expressive.
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Provide Considerable Freedom Like Drivers, Expressives want to do things their own way. These free spirits want to avoid as many restraints as they can.
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FLEXING TO ANALYTICALS As a Driver, you have much in common with Analyticals. You are similar on one of the two basic dimensions of style: Both of you are less responsive than most people. Consequently, Analyticals generally appreciate your focus on task and your objective approach to things. In flexing to Analyticals, your major challenge is to get in sync with some of their less-assertive behaviors.
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Slow Your Pace Analyticals walk slowly, talk slowly, decide slowly. To fast-paced Drivers, it seems they do everything at a snail’s pace.
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Listen More, Listen Better Drivers tend to speak their minds; Analyticals are apt to keep their opinions to themselves. If the Driver is also a poor listener, which is often the case, the Analytical is apt to clam up even more. It’s hard to have a productive work relationship when one person isn’t talking.
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Don’t Come on Too Strong Analyticals, by definition, are less assertive than you. Their body language isn’t as forceful. They don’t speak as often, and when they do, they’re not as emphatic. So when you use your normal Driver behavior, the mismatch in assertiveness may lead the Analytical to think of you as pushy.
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FLEXING TO AMIABLES As a Driver, you differ from the Amiable on both of the basic dimensions of style. The Amiable is less assertive and less responsive than you are. So you are likely to experience more style-based differences with Amiables
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Make Genuine Personal Contact The Amiable wants to be treated as a human being and not as a function or a role only.
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Slow Your Pace Amiables walk slowly, talk slowly, decide slowly. To fast-paced Drivers, it seems like they do everything at a crawl. But to the Amiable, the fast pace of a typical Driver is very uncomfortable.
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Listen More, Listen Better Drivers tend to speak their minds; Amiables are apt to keep their opinions to themselves. If the Driver is also a poor listener, which is often the case, the Amiable is apt to clam up even more.
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Don’t Come on Too Strong Amiables, by definition, are less assertive than you. Their body language isn’t as forceful. They don’t speak as often, and when they do they’re not as emphatic. So when you use your normal Driver behavior, the mismatch in assertiveness may lead the Amiable to think of you as pushy.
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Focus More on Feelings Amiables are expressive of their emotions and sensitive to the feelings of others. You can get more in sync with Amiables by focusing more on feelings—both theirs and your own.
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Be Supportive Amiables are supportive, and they expect others to be supportive in turn. They feel that’s the least one human being should be able to expect from another.
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Provide Structure Amiables tend to be most comfortable and work best in stable, clearly structured situations. Do what you can to contribute to that stability and structure without being overly constraining.
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Demonstrate Interest in the Human Side Amiables tend to take a people-oriented approach whereas Drivers are prone to be task-oriented. When working with an Amiable, give increased attention to the human side of things.
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APPENDIX III For Expressives Only: How to Flex to Each Style
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FLEXING TO AMIABLES As an Expressive, you have much in common with Amiables. You are similar on one of the two behavioral dimensions of style: Both of you are more responsive than most people. Consequently, Amiables tend to appreciate your warmth, your friendliness, and your focus on people.
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In flexing to Amiables, your major challenge is to get in sync with some of their less-assertive behaviors.
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Slow Your Pace To the Amiable, the fast pace of a typical Expressive is very uncomfortable. It throws Amiables off their stride. If you want to relate better to Amiables, slow down and get more in sync with their natural rhythm.
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Listen More, Listen Better Expressives tend to speak their minds; Amiables are apt to keep their opinions to themselves. If the Expressive is also a poor listener, which is often the case, the Amiable is apt to clam up even more.
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Don’t Come on Too Strong Amiables, by definition, are less assertive than you. Their body language isn’t as forceful. They don’t speak as often, and when they do, they’re not as emphatic. So when you use your normal Expressive behavior, the mismatch in assertiveness may lead the Amiable to think of you as pushy.
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Be Supportive Amiables are supportive of other people, and they expect others to be supportive in turn. They feel that’s the least one human being should expect from another.
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FLEXING TO DRIVERS As an Expressive, you have much in common with Drivers. You are similar on one of the two behavioral dimensions of style: Both of you are more assertive than most people. Consequently, Drivers tend to appreciate your energetic, fast-paced ways. In flexing to Drivers, your major challenge is to get in sync with some of their less-responsive behaviors.
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Be More Task-Oriented The Driver is usually more task-oriented and the Expressive tends to be more people-oriented. When working with a Driver, you may want to give increased attention to the task side of things.
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De-emphasize Feelings Drivers are less emotionally aware and less disclosing of their feelings than most people. Expressives, by contrast, are more disclosing of their emotions than any style. You can get more in sync with Drivers by being less emotionally disclosing. Be more reserved, without becoming cold or aloof.
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Be Well Organized in Your Communication When you communicate with Drivers, they expect you to be well organized, practical, factual, and brief. Expressives, however, are often poorly organized, somewhat impractical, less factual, and somewhat long-winded. That’s a big communication chasm to bridge.
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Avoid Power Struggles The Driver is more assertive than most people. You are too. Because of that, the two of you have much in common. However, when two such assertive people work together, there’s always the danger that sparks will fly. If that begins to happen, temporarily find ways of being less assertive. Listen more and listen better. Decrease your vocal intensity, phrase your ideas more provisionally, and be more negotiable.
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FLEXING TO ANALYTICALS As an Expressive, you differ from the Analytical on both dimensions of style. The Analytical is less assertive and less responsive than you. So you may experience more style-based differences with Analyticals than with either Drivers or Amiables, each of whom has one of the basic dimensions of behavior in common with you.
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Slow Your Pace For the Analytical, the fast pace of a typical Expressive is very uncomfortable. It throws Analyticals off their stride. If you want to work better with Analyticals, slow down and get more in sync with their natural rhythm.
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Listen More, Listen Better Expressives tend to speak their minds; Analyticals are apt to keep their opinions to themselves. If the Expressive is also a poor listener, which is often the case, the Analytical is apt to clam up even more.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Don’t Come on Too Strong Analyticals, by definition, are less assertive than you. Their body language isn’t as forceful. They don’t speak as often, and when they do they’re not as emphatic.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Be More Task-Oriented Analyticals are more task-oriented; Expressives are more people-oriented. Since tasks are performed by people, when used well, either approach can be effective. In working with an Analytical, you may want to give increased attention to the task side of things.
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De-emphasize Feelings Analyticals are less emotionally aware and less disclosing of their feelings than most people. You can get more in sync with Analyticals by being less emotionally disclosing. Be more reserved, without becoming cold or aloof.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
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Be Systematic Analyticals like to be systematic about most things they’re associated with. Expressives prefer a much less regimented approach. This is often a point of tension between people of these styles. When you work with Analyticals, they find the relationship much more congenial when you are more systematic than usual.
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Be Well Organized, Detailed, and Factual Analyticals, the most perfectionistic of the styles, are particular about the way things are presented to them. They expect you to be well organized, detailed, and factual in your communication. Expressives, however, are often poorly organized, speak in generalities, and are less factual.
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APPENDIX IV For Analyticals Only: How to Flex to Each Style
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FLEXING TO DRIVERS As an Analytical, you have much in common with Drivers. You are similar on one of the two basic dimensions of style: Both of you are less responsive than most people. Consequently, Drivers tend to appreciate your focus on task and your objective approach to things. In flexing to Drivers, your major challenge is to get in sync with some of their more-assertive behavior.
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Pick Up the Pace Drivers tend to do everything at a fast pace. Analyticals move and speak slowly. You’ll usually relate better to Drivers when you increase your pace considerably.
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Demonstrate Higher Energy Drivers are typically high-energy people. Analyticals, by contrast, display less energy than most people. When relating to Drivers, there are times when you’ll need to put more energy into what you say and do.
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Don’t Get Bogged Down in Details or Theory As an Analytical, you probably want a more detailed understanding of most things than people of the other styles do. Also, Analyticals have more of a theoretical bent than most people. When relating to a Driver, keep to a minimum any discussion of details or theory.
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Say What You Think Drivers tend to speak up and express themselves candidly and directly. Analyticals are apt to keep their thoughts to themselves and speak somewhat tentatively and indirectly. Here’s how you can bridge that behavioral gap.
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Speak in Practical, Results-Oriented Terms There are important differences in what would be persuasive to a Driver and what would influence an Analytical. To get your point across to a Driver, emphasize what’s convincing to her.
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Facilitate Self-Determination Drivers are very self-directed. They want to do things their way. Although Analyticals are less assertive than half the population, they can be very precise about what they want done and the way they want it done. When Analyticals get highly specific about how things are to be done, Drivers often bridle at what seems to them like excessive control.
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FLEXING TO AMIABLES As an Analytical, you have much in common with Amiables. You are similar on one of the two basic dimensions of style. Both of you are less assertive than most people. Amiables appreciate the similarity of your pacing and that you aren’t as pushy as many of the more assertive people. In flexing to Amiables, your prime challenge is to get in sync with some of their more-responsive behavior.
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Make Genuine Personal Contact The Amiable wants to be treated as a human being and not as a function or a role only. The Analytical, who is more task-oriented than most people, may need to remember to show a sincere interest in the Amiable as a person.
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Focus More on Feelings Amiables are expressive of their emotions and sensitive to the feelings of others. You can get more in sync with Amiables by focusing more on feelings—both theirs and your own.
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Be Supportive Amiables are supportive of others, and they expect others to be supportive in turn. They feel that’s the least that one human being should be able to expect from another.
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Provide Structure Amiables tend to be most comfortable and work best in stable, clearly structured situations. Do what you can to contribute to that stability and structure.
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Demonstrate Interest in the Human Side Amiables tend to take a people-oriented approach whereas Analyticals are prone to be task-oriented. When working with an Amiable, give increased attention to the human side of things.
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Don’t Overdo Facts and Logic Analyticals find facts and logic highly convincing. Amiables don’t find facts and logic as persuasive as you do. Oftentimes, what seems like an appropriate amount of facts and logic to an Analytical is overkill to an Amiable.
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FLEXING TO EXPRESSIVES As an Analytical, you differ from the Expressive on both dimensions of style. The Expressive is both more assertive and more responsive than you. So you may experience more style-based differences with an Expressive than with either a Driver or an Amiable, each of whom has one of the basic dimensions of behavior in common with you. As a result, there are more types of behavior that you can modify when flexing to an Expressive than when flexing to any other style.
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Make Personal Contact Expressives like to have personal contact with those they work with. It’s important to them that they get to know you and that you get to know them personally. Analyticals, who tend to focus more on the task aspects of things, need to remind themselves to take the time and make the effort to establish personal contact with Expressives they work with.
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Pick Up the Pace Expressives talk fast, move quickly, and decide quickly. When it comes to implementation, they want it done yesterday. Expressives find it easier to work with you when you pick up the pace somewhat.
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Demonstrate Higher Energy Expressives are usually brimming with energy; Analyticals show less energy than most people. When relating to Expressives, you may find it helpful at times to put more energy into what you say and do.
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Focus More on Feelings Expressives are very in touch with and disclosing of their feelings. Whatever those feelings are, they influence and sometimes even dominate the Expressive’s decisions, actions, and responses to others. Analyticals are seen as the least emotive of the styles, so relating well to Expressives’ feelings is a key to working effectively with them.
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Cooperate with the Expressive’s Conversational Spontaneity It’s important to realize that when Expressives talk, they’re often “thinking out loud.”
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Be Open to the Expressive’s Fun-Loving Side Expressives are the most playful and fun loving of the styles. They like to mix pleasure with business.
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Give the Expressive Recognition Expressives, even more than most people, enjoy recognition.
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Say What You Think Expressives usually say what they are feeling and thinking. Their speech is direct; their statements are definite, and they are emphatic much of the time. Analyticals are apt to keep their thoughts to themselves and speak somewhat tentatively and indirectly. Here’s how you can bridge that behavioral gap.
People Styles at Work...And Beyond: Making Bad Relationships Good and Good Relationships Better by Dorothy Grover Bolton and Robert Bolton
