The I's Have It by Amma Marfo Flashcards
(120 cards)
1
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The goal of this book is to delve more deeply into three common strategies introverts use to live in a vocation and a world largely dominated by extroverts.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
2
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Contrary to popular belief, introverts don’t have to operate as extroverts to succeed;
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3
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You have to know that the career path you’ve chosen isn’t going to change to fit your needs, so you have to change to fit its.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
4
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how to unapologetically exist in our environment while being your most authentic self.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
5
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The motivations to pursue this work are common, but the approaches to the work and needs to do it successfully differ widely,
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6
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Introversion and extroversion live on opposite sides of a spectrum, not opposing sides of a coin.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
7
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we all have elements of both! Even the most extroverted of people have times when they take on more introverted traits; similarly, introverted individuals have their more extroverted moments. No one is purely one or the other.
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8
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when I refer to introversion as a trait, I refer to it as one’s dominant temperamental state. Not a lack of extroversion, not the only way one can be, but simply the default setting for the individual in question.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
9
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Many extroverts are of the belief that a preference for introversion is a preference for solitude. While this is true sometimes, it is rarely true all of the time.
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10
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the true nature of introverts allows them to be well suited for people-focused work:
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
11
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To most introverts, a closed door means time to relax, decompress, and to keep the “hot water” from getting in. Cubicles and open office plans are designed with the good intentions of keeping employees connected to each other, encouraging a collaborative and collegial spirit. While these elements can be fostered in an open environment, it wears on introverts a great deal.
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12
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A functioning outlet is essential to a full charge; it’s true of electronics, and it’s true of people.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
13
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Acetylcholine, an abundant hormone in the introverted brain, is responsible for our ability to concentrate deeply. Introverts have more acetylcholine in their brains than extroverts, whose actions are governed primarily by dopamine.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
14
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Introverts can talk to people. In fact, they are particularly skilled in having deep conversations with others because they are prone to reflection on the words and ideas of others, and to listen attentively as stories are being told.
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15
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“the not-so-shy introvert could be considered to have superior social skills to extroverts because they can accept attention without requiring it […] I accept attention, I sometimes invite it, but I don’t compete for
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
16
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I’ve found that one of our field’s biggest introvert challenges - the conference - can be navigated by tapping into the one-on-one relationships that we introverts are really good at building. Leading up to a conference, I make an effort to reach out to colleagues who I haven’t seen for some time or who I’d like to meet, and I try to break up the “crowded” parts of conferences with quiet lunch or coffee catch-up sessions one-on-one with friends and mentors.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
17
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(I say “face to face” because “in real life” feels wrong. The Internet is not the Matrix. It’s real!)
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18
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“Introverts often give off the appearance of calmness, while self-doubt and anxiety rumbles around inside of us.” The interior chaos is well hidden behind a facade of serenity.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
19
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introverts operate like a digital clock. You see the time that it displays, but very little of how it arrived at that display.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
20
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Their brains are made for lingering over thoughts and feelings and achieving a deeper understanding of a subject. They speak more slowly and lose their place if they are interrupted. They listen, ask questions, and consider the other person’s ideas.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
21
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There are two chemicals in the brain that control our response to stimuli: dopamine and acetylcholine.
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The I’s Have It by Amma Marfo
22
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If dopamine powers the turbo boost, acetylcholine functions much like cruise control.
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23
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Introverts are chemically equipped to concentrate.
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24
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The neural pathway on which acetylcholine travels is longer than the one on which dopamine travels. This makes it harder to get started again once it is preempted by a situation that creates a flow of dopamine.
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introverts may like music or a white noise machine to drown out the whirring of their own thoughts, but too much noise or stimulation keeps some extroverts from sleeping.
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The introverted brain is more active in sections responsible for planning and deliberation.
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the quick pathway of dopamine, combined with heightened comfort with uncertainty and their ease in talking out decisions, better equips extroverts to make quick decisions.
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The quality of introversion is the ability, and sometimes need, to shut off and put themselves so deep into thought about a topic that the insight and thought-provoking response that comes out is well worth the wait.
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Too often, we have been indoctrinated to believe that silence as an initial response to a question means that the person being questioned doesn’t know the answer. I would like to pose an inverse theory; the introvert knows the answer, but is trying to determine the best way to express it.
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For those who are introverted, but not shy, this fear doesn’t prevent us from taking center stage in the service of something greater. Why the qualifier? Introverts don’t tend to seek attention for its own sake. Their inward orientation avoids attention-grabbing maneuvers. If their public speaking can help someone, introduce a topic they are passionate about, or spark a meaningful discussion, however, they’re generally willing to let that spotlight shine.
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If you ever want to see an introvert truly come alive, ask him or her about something they’re interested in or knowledgeable about.
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the impact of being seen as wrong stays with many introverts much longer. To put it another way: introverts aren’t afraid of being wrong, they’re afraid of what being wrong will make them look like.
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I feel that I am skilled in the “big” communication events -- preaching and teaching, casting vision, leading meetings -- but I struggle with “small” communication- small talk, saying the little things that make people feel known and appreciated, expressing interest in the details of people’s lives, or even returning phone calls promptly.
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Small communication tests the malleability of the introverted spirit. Our internal, idea-focused nature makes the concepts we speak on in “big” venues easier for us to articulate.
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Of the myths associated with introversion, this is one of the most omnipresent. If you’re introverted, you must be shy, right? I mean, you don’t talk, you don’t avoid social situations, that means shy!
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Marti Laney puts it most elegantly when she says, “introversion is who you are, while shyness is what you think others think you are.”
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introversion is a construct that is internally oriented; shyness is one that is externally constructed. Introversion is a conscious decision to retreat inward, knowing that is the most energized stance for productivity. Comparatively, shyness is a state of being where that drive inward is driven less by you as a decision, and more by others and the fear associated with their judgment or opinion.
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introvert’s problem with speaking up in a meeting isn’t fear of speaking, but fear of speaking incompletely or incorrectly. Thus, those in the position to run meetings or otherwise solicit feedback should keep this in mind and offer additional means for attendees or participants to chime in. Consider sending agendas out early and soliciting questions or concerns in writing prior to the meeting, or prompting attendees a few days afterward to follow up with emails.
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“One of the risks of being quiet is that other people can fill your silence with their own interpretations. You’re bored. You’re depressed. You’re shy. You’re judgmental. You have nothing to say. [...] Nature abhors a vacuum, and when other people can’t read us, they write their own story- not always one that we would choose or that’s true to who we are.” -Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way
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Introverts are not immune to loneliness. We can be lonely surrounded by people if we haven’t found anyone to connect with. We also can get lonely if we allow the momentum of solitude to override our natural need for companionship. -Sophia Dembling, The Introvert’s Way
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“The Storm is Coming: Managing Conflict in Your Organization” was developed a year after the aforementioned penis debacle, and was designed for student groups to help them understand that differences in style don’t have to hamper a good working relationship.
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For introverts, breadth is not important; depth is.
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Carl Jung, who famously said during a 1957 conversation with Dr. Richard Evans in reference to the temperament scale he designed, “There is no such thing as a pure extrovert or a pure introvert. Such a man would be in the lunatic asylum.”
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the myth of separation is rather a misunderstanding of what type of separation is truly needed. Introverts don’t need separation from others in an isolating fashion. Rather, they work best when able to form a few deep relationships that inspire them to do their best work. They also work best when given the opportunity to escape that work setting at some point to reflect, recharge, and find meaning in their day-to-day functions.
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Masking introversion is not faking the ability to be social without bounds. Rather, it is the appearance that such behavior is easy.
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Laney cites three dimensions of temperament, the reactions to which can distinguish a more introverted individual from a more extroverted one: energy source, response to stimulation, and depth versus breadth.
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For introverts, some forms of socializing or social environments are like a tickling fit waiting to be abruptly halted.
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As I grow more and more tired from the short but fairly straightforward conversations I’ve engaged in today, she gets more and more energized from the same actions. Neither reaction is bad, they’re simply different.
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Sometimes managing being overstimulated means taking away some of the other potential distractions or interruptions.
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"a customer [or student] is really just a little bundle of future cash flow [or another form of capital] with a memory. And this future cash flow [or other form of capital] will increase or decrease based on how the customer remembers being treated, today."
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Laurie Helgoe, the author of Introvert Power, says it almost exactly this way: Introverts do not hate small talk because we hate people. We hate small talk because of the barrier it creates between people. We want less -- and more: less talk, more understanding. [...] We are a mix of a lot of things, but conversation generally reduces us.
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The type of conversation that introverts thrive in is deep and compelling, significant and meaningful.
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what introverts need to truly be at their best. Time to recharge, a permitted slower pace, and the opportunity to express oneself in writing are all ways that introverts stay at their best.
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Pannapacker asks later in his article, “I wonder how those who tend toward introversion [...] have coped with these demands. And what can institutions do to serve their needs more effectively?”
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two significant hallmarks of introverts in her response. The first is a tendency to downplay the positive, especially as it pertains to themselves.
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A second struggle for introverts is being able to summon the courage and humility to reach out and accept criticism, however constructive it may be. An inward focus means introverts are accustomed to hearing criticism...from themselves. So focusing attention outward and opening ourselves to criticism from others is difficult.
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Analysis paralysis is a common demon for introverts, and it is especially pronounced during times of decision-making.
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sometimes the things that are difficult or unnatural, we are willing to do in service to something we care about.
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Accept breaks when they are offered; create them if needed.
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Introversion lends itself well to rumination, even mild forms of obsession,
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characterizations of introverts in Freud’s research as “neurotic”, “self-centered”, and “anti-social” are actually personal attacks on Jung and Adler, not accurate portrayals of their actual nature or the actual nature of introverts.
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Increased importance of what social psychologist Adam Grant calls “powerless communication” allows us to see imperfection in speech or presentation (something that introverts are often prone to) as endearing and non-threatening, rather than weak or incompetent.
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Patrick Love, “Advising may be the universal task in student affairs, because it exists at the foundation of much of the work we do […] Advising is the out-of-class activity provided to all students and, therefore, in many cases may be the only opportunity for a student to develop a personal link outside the institution.”
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Advising is not merely providing advice. Providing advice is a unidirectional relationship in which a person who “knows better” tells another person what to do. Advising is a helping relationship between two people and a dynamic process of mutual discover and self-determination […] While the advisor may indeed have more knowledge and experience than the advisee and be aware of the “bigger picture,” the goal of advising is to generate learning, growth, and self-determination, in addition to sharing information, opinion, and one’s accumulated wisdom.
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While we are all prone to “taking our work home” at the end of each day, the nature of the introverted brain may make it more likely for them to have work weigh on them;
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Criticism that might roll off the back of less internally critical individuals sticks with us, rumination over how we might salvage a bad situation goes on longer than it would for extroverts.
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feeling can consume an introvert when expectations change or the sting of rejection is felt, particularly to those introverts who are also classified as highly sensitive.
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Moving on after a disappointment is hard for all of us. But rebounding quickly is even harder for introverts.
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One of my go-to mantras to help divert my frustrations is: “This is uncomfortable right now. But you know it’ll pass. You can do this.”
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introverts, can be a loop of bad experiences and disappointments. When you’re feeling low or defeated, challenge yourself to recall the good memories.
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A great gift of the introverted mind is its ability to brilliantly and vividly express itself in writing.
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These tips could help you answer that question. Ask. How will you know how someone works if you don’t ask?
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“introverts and extroverts line in opposite worlds. Each world has its own language and style of relating. As a result, misunderstandings occur, and gaps of miscommunication develop. However, good communication can close the gaps before they become gulches.”
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Resist the urge to pack multiple departments into one party.
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If you must group departments together, allow the party to be a “drop in affair.”
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With all of these guidelines for how to best work with introverts, it may be sometimes tempting to wonder if they’re worth the effort.
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there are few if any supports in place for those students who struggle with the extremes of introversion and extroversion that academe demands.
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When your classmates double as your colleagues, each turned-down invitation carries the added weight of affecting professional relationships down the road.
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Aspire to depth, not breadth. There will be a temptation to overcommit. Fight it.
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Focus your efforts toward opportunities that energize and interest you.
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Explore your interests. A related point to the previous one: take the two years of graduate school to find out what you’re good at.
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Don’t give in to the butterflies; seek them out.
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Monitor yourself and stand up for your needs. Recognizing your need for a break or recharge and being able to remove yourself from a situation to act on it are two very different things.
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Adam McHugh puts it beautifully when he says, No is an indispensable word for introverts who need solitude and space to refuel and reflect. Without ‘no’, we are unable to fully engage with others and to engage with others and to exercise our gifts in our communities. Saying ‘no’ at times enables us to wholeheartedly say ‘yes’ at other times.
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What sorts of alternatives can you brainstorm that could take advantage of the introvert’s natural tendencies? Consider changes as small as allowing interviews to take place at an offbeat location
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Install or maintain a student mentorship program. Because introverts thrive in relationships requiring depth, a student mentorship element to a graduate program can allow them to ease into the rigor of a graduate program under the watchful eye of an older student who can address their questions and concerns.
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Whether your chosen ally is introverted or extroverted, it should be someone who understands your need for decompression time, not just someone you’re friends with.
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A 2012 study from Michigan State University revealed that students in the classroom are more engaged with, and better retain content, that they are permitted to Tweet.
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As educators, we tend to see students who seem inattentive or disconnected from classroom content as it is typically presented as apathetic, uninterested, or troublesome.
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Interestingly enough, introverted educators occasionally share this perception of introverted learners!
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Susan Cain often says, “There is zero correlation between being the best talker, and having the best ideas.”
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Plan downtime in your schedule- both in training and in yearlong programming schedules.
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Weigh group, individual, and written portions of applications equally.
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Allow for multiple forms of expression in reflection processes.
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Help students understand how each other work. Even as the introverts begin to understand themselves, they still run the risk of being misunderstood by their extroverted coworkers.
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Below are a few that I put together for our orientation team in preparation for interviews with leader candidates, adapted to fit many types of encounters we may have with students:
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Temper the atmosphere of the room to create comfort.
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Patiently allow time for the student to respond.
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most students are neither totally introverted nor totally extroverted. They require both a quiet and stimulating learning environments.
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Create multiple methods for students to contribute.
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Educate more energetic students on the benefits of contemplative quiet time.
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Be proactive about introducing students to supplemental opportunities to use their strengths.
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recent research has shown that some groups are more productive and successful under introverted leadership than under that of the typical extrovert.
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the most important skill that an introverted manager can possess is to cultivate a spirit of proactivity in his or her staff.
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Grant, Gino and Hoffman note in their work that “since less extroverted leaders may be more willing to listen to divergent opinions and perspectives, they may be more capable of using […] ideas constructively, reinforcing for employees that their ideas are valued.”
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Permit multiple forms of contribution. Some may need to speak their contributions; others may prefer to write them down. Allow for both, and be vocal about these options.
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As you manage, regardless of your own temperament, be sure to cultivate an environment that is attentive to the potential contributions of introverts, while also providing opportunities for the extroverts to contribute.
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If you are an introvert, the potential to be overpowered by extroverts exists; find ways to assert yourself and other introverts, making sure that they can be heard without overpowering the environment overall.
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stories (narratives, myths, or fables) constitute a uniquely powerful currency in human relationships. -Howard Gardner, Leading Minds
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Introverts are fascinated with stories.
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staff meetings. Staff meetings, if conducted as most are, can be hell on earth for introverts.
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the preparation phase for a meeting can help mitigate that potential shock that comes with an unanticipated query.
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It would be misguided to expect an opinion from an introvert at the drop of a hat […] if you offer an introvert a period of time to process you’ll likely take full advantage of their vantage point and skill set […] Be sure to offer opportunities for introverts to start the idea generation process before team meetings and allow points in the conversation where they can jump in.
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Try to structure the meeting in such a way that the flow of information is logical.
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End the meeting with a review of action steps.
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often difficult for introverts to handle. The concentrated spotlight, combined with little warning on how to conduct oneself, is a wonderful recipe for the overstimulated environment that could cause an introvert to shut down.
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quicker to see the flaws in their work than the gems.
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“[I]f they are about to receive an award or accolade, let them know what you’re planning ahead of time. They’ll appreciate the gesture and have time to prepare.” Will it spoil the surprise? Well, sure. But the discomfort surrounding such an unexpected shower of attention and stimulation would ruin it too.
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when people leave organizations, they are actually leaving managers.
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But the need to slow down, step away, and recharge should not be considered a weakness. It should be seen as a necessary element of ensuring our own strength.
The I's Have It by Amma Marfo
