Flashcards in Conflict Resolution Deck (96):
Lewin's definition of conflict:
Conflict is competing goals.
When is conflict more likely?
When people are highly interdependent and have frequent contact.
Daily Diary Study
Gave 100 couples a survey they completed every day. Had them report all of the conflict they engaged in. Couples experience a lot of conflict.
What do couples display conflict most about?
What is the key theory in studying conflict?
Social learning theory.
What is the key to verbal conflict?
Knowing how to disagree.
___ determine the quality of the relationship.
Who studied through observation of couple's disagreements, with coding of their behaviour?
Deciding what to code.
Examples of non-verbal content in observational content.
- Husband putting arm around wife.
Examples of sequencing in observational content.
One person talks for a long time, then the other person responds with a 5 second response.
Going moment by moment through interactions.
Looking at the conversation overall.
Problem with observational coding.
Difficulty to get reliability.
Why is it difficult to get reliability in observational coding?
People do not agree on what they are seeing. For example, sarcasm can be mean or funny.
John Gottman's model of marital interaction is called...
The Structural Model of Marital Interaction.
The Structural Model of Marital Interaction
- Unhappy couples engage in more negative behaviour than positive behaviour.
- Unhappy couple's interactions are high predictable.
- Unhappy couples get stuck in cycles of negative reciprocity.
- Additional nuances.
Do happy couples also engage in negative behaviour as well?
Why are unhappy couples more bothered by negative behaviour?
Because negative behaviour is accompanied with negative affect.
Unhappy couple's behaviours are somewhat predictable. True or false?
False, they are highly predictable.
Unhappy couples get stuck in cycles of ___ ___.
___ couples get out of cycles of negative reciprocity earlier.
What are characteristics of unhappy couples?
Kitchen sinking (flooding), self-summarizing, presumptive attributions (mindreading), cross-complaining, prescription.
- What I'm trying to say is...
- Don't feel like they're understood.
Who do individuals in happy relationships summarize?
The other (not self).
One person complains about dirty laundry on the floor, while the other partner complains about dirty dishes on the counter. Respond to complaint with complaint.
- Telling the partner what they need to do in the relationship.
- "Don't work on weekends."
When one partner wants a change and pushes the other for discussion on the topic; the other partner does not respond.
Demand/withdraw cycles are more likely concerning topics where ___ are the ones who want change.
Demand/withdraw cycles are more likely among people who...
Want more change than their partners.
Men are more likely to ___ in the demand/withdraw cycle.
Happy couples tend to view each other's behaviours in a more positive light than unhappy couples do.
Unhappy couples tend to be vigilant for negative behaviours and tend to respond in kind.
The reactivity hypothesis says that if you look for ___ ___, you most likely will find them.
Because relationships are not black and white, you will most likely find...
What you are looking for.
Relationship stability influences conflict. True or false?
False, relationship quality influences conflict.
Conflict behaviour is related to relationship ___.
Does dissatisfaction lead to differences in behaviour, or do differences in behaviour lead to dissatisfaction?
Behaviours predict changes in satisfaction, especially when positive affect is low.
If people handle conflict poorly, but use ... it is not as negative.
Humour, affection, and interest in the other person during the process.
Couples who are ___ will experience faster declines in marital quality.
___ ___ can override the effects of negative content/skills during conflict using humour, interest, and affection.
Conflict produces a ___ reaction in our bodies.
What are some physiological reactions to conflict?
- Adrenaline through circulatory system.
- Heart races.
- Pulse increases.
- Emotion floods brain.
- Body temperature increases.
When physiological reactions were high in couples 10 years ago, they remained ___ 10 years later.
Adrenaline is related to which hormone?
Amygdala becomes ___ under adrenaline.
If you are physiologically affected by conflict, you cannot ___.
What should you do to counter physiological reactions to conflict?
Take a break.
What is a good indicator that you need to take a break?
When the heartbeat is over 100 beats per minute.
What does taking a break mean?
30 minutes of focused relaxation in order to return to a calm state.
What do you do during a break?
- Sooth yourself.
- Relaxation techniques.
- Listen to soft music.
What do you not do during a break?
- Engage in thinking about the conflict.
- Ruminate about the conflict.
Why don't couples take breaks?
Fear that if we stop talking about this, we will never talk about it again.
Professor Johnson recommends that we ___ ___ ___ to reduce the anxiety in couples about taking a break.
Set a timer.
Time-outs must be negotiated when?
Ahead of time, not when the conflict has already escalated.
What are rules for taking a time out?
- Use "I" or "we," not "you."
- Set a specific time to deal with the issue later.
- Wait 30 minutes, but less than 24 hours.
- Use a safe way to communicate so you stay calm.
- Keep in mind what is really behind the anger - hurt feelings.
True or false? It is effective to take a break for a day or so to collect your thoughts when facing conflict.
False, the break must be for less than 24 hours.
The basic framework for problem solving involves starting with ___ ___ before moving to ___ ___.
Problem talk, problem solving.
Identifying what the problem is.
Example of problem talk.
You may be angry that the partner left a sink full of dishes, but the broad problem might be that your partner is not contributing enough around the house and you feel disrespected by being treated like a maid.
What is a technique that can be used to unearth broader issues in problem talk?
The speaker-listener technique.
Important hidden issues in relationships that we are reactive to.
- Control and power.
We do not often talk about the ___ problems that lead to conflict.
2 types of problems in relationships:
Perpetual problems make up __% of all problems.
There are differences that will always be present and you will deal with over and over again.
Examples of perpetual problems.
- One person wants sex more frequently.
- One partner doesn't do his or her share of chores.
- Differences in religious beliefs.
- Differences in parenting styles.
Things that pop up throughout relationships that are able to have a resolution.
If you have a perpetual problem with your partner, your relationship is doomed. True or false?
What is the basic goal for all conflict?
Communicate basic acceptance and understanding of your partner as a human being.
Why is communication of basic acceptance and understanding so important?
- We are much more likely to take advice from someone we think understands us.
- If we feel judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other person, a successful outcome is unlikely.
___ is the backbone to resolving conflict.
When conflict starts, it is important to get off on the right foot. This is called...
Softening your startup.
In good or bad relationships, 87% of the time ___ tend to bring up issues far more often than ___ do.
___ and ___ is important when considering when to bring up issues.
Why is softening the startup important?
Because conflicts typically end the same way they began.
Bringing up a problem when drinking is a good idea. True or false?
Be ___, ___, and ___ when bringing up problems.
Descriptive, clear, specific.
Which gender becomes flooded easier?
Men (waffles). Women (spaghetti) are not as easily overwhelmed.
Is it good to store up problems?
One of these is ok to do, while the other is not: Complain, Blame.
It is ok to complain, but not to blame.
Is it good to focus on your partner's thoughts, feelings, and opinions?
No, you should say "I feel," not "you have been."
Equivalents to putting the brakes on when things start heading the direction you don't want.
It is important to learn to both ___ and ___ repair attempts.
Repair attempts works more often in ___ relationships.
When do you use repair attempts?
When emotions start to escalate.
If things escalate despite repair attempts, what should you do?
Take time out.
In an intimate and loving relationship, compromise is the best outcome because...
It's not worth it for you to win at the expense of the other person losing.
It is easier to compromise when you identify...
Areas of agreement.
When compromising, it is important to be ___ in the solution so each person recognizes the changes.
Compromising requires acceptance that each other is not ___.
Being specific in compromise allows...
Changes to be seen.
After a conflict is over, it is important to move past the conflict. True or false?
False, it is important to take time to process the experience.
What should you do in processing the conflict?
- Seek to understand what ignited the conflict.
- Why that issue is so volatile.
- What you will do differently next time.
With many perpetual areas of conflict, there is often some underlying ___ or ___ ___ that is at odds for each partner.
Dream, core value.